The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 03

The Governor's much esteemed Authoritarian Female Party Cabinet Minister visitor, also in her late thirties, was a slim, very attractive blonde woman.

Just like Governor Meredith Monroe, not only did Ms Lynne Truss project a natural air of authority, but she too also exuded that more undefinable characteristic; that further distinguishing quality, which was the trait possessed by all of the AFP's high-ups, and also by their mid- to senior rank, Heads-of-Department local government minions -- such as Canford town's Community Service Liaison Officer, Harriet Harmman: presence.

But, not only that ... In the leg space of Governor Monroe's open-fronted desk, I could see that the AFP's Minister of Prisons was possessed of another distinguishing quality: a very shapely pair of legs.

Ms Lynne Truss, in fact, was a leg man's dream. And for the past ten minutes or so, she had been tweaking away at my Achilles' heel.

But, there was something else ... Ms Truss was one of those females who, seemingly without realising they are doing so, always seem to be playing with their shoes.

Inexplicably, as I watched Ms Lynne Truss's under-the-desk feet doing all sorts of things with her shoes, she was causing me some real excitement.

Ms Truss was one of those absentminded shoe-players, who just do what comes naturally. Foremost, but by no means exclusively, she was a dangler. And a skillful one: with her right leg crossed over her left knee, she wasn't allowing her precariously balanced, to-and-fro swinging right shoe to fall from the tips of her toes.

Governor Monroe and Ms Lynne Truss were still talking, but I was no longer taking on board what they were saying.

I was finding the under-the-desk show somewhat mesmerising. It was difficult to look away -- in fact, I just couldn't.

Ms Lynne Truss was stirring something within me, I realised, with her somehow sexy shoeplay. Stirring something new. She was actually awakening something. Something that had lain dormant ... Until now.

Some new ... appreciation.

I angled myself away slightly. If anyone should happen to glance at the front of my shorts ...

I didn't know what remark she'd found so funny, but fortunately Ms Lynne Truss's sudden burst of laughter brought me out of my perilous trancelike state, before my ... excitement was inevitably noticed.

Ms Lynne Truss's blonde hair was cut in the AFP-adapted concave bob style. The militaristic-looking hairdo actually suited her.

The AFP's head prison official was impressively attired, too. She wore a two-piece, dove grey jacket and above-the-knee skirt, a white blouse, and she was wearing a pair of tights or stockings of a sort of a see-through, almost transparent material. On her feet, Ms Truss wore a pair of black leather, two-inch heeled office-style pumps.

At last, and as though suddenly remembering that Ross and me were actually present in her office, Governor Monroe, barely able to keep from chuckling in amusement, said to her august visitor, "Oh ... and, th-these, heh heh heh ... these are the two prisoners I was telling you about, Lynne ... heh heh heh heh."

"Ah!" exclaimed Ms Lynne Truss excitedly. "The famous Jaws and Gummy!"

"That's right, Lynne," confirmed the Governor with another mirthful chuckle. "Jaws and Gummy: aka prisoners Lightwood and Chapman. The one on the left, is, heh heh heh ... Gummy," Governor Meredith Monroe informed Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons.

Governor Monroe said, "Officer Billie Jo. Would you kindly show to Ms Lynne Truss, the improvements that you had Doctor Blatherhead perform on Gummy?"

"Of course, Ma'am!" replied prison officer Billie Jo.

"Come on, you!" said prison officer Billie Jo, directing my cellmate over to the side of the Governor's desk where the AFP's Minister of Prisons was sitting.

"Gummy!" snapped prison officer Billie Jo. "Take out your NHS dentures, and go to your knees at her Ladyship's feet! Show her your oral cavity improvements, that I had the prison doctor perform on you. Show her Ladyship all of the extra wiggle room I've created. Kneel here, Gummy!"

"Yes, Miss Billie Jo," said Ross respectfully, going to his knees on Governor Monroe's office floor, exactly as instructed by prison officer Billie Jo.

The castor wheels of her swivel chair making no sound as they rolled smoothly over the Governor's top quality thick-pile office carpeting, the AFP's Minister of Prisons scooted out from behind the Governor's large desk. Clearly, Ms Lynne Truss was eager to get her first view of the intriguing oral excavations she'd been told about by Governor Monroe over coffee.

Peering intently and at great length with her blue-eyed gaze into Ross's wide-opened oral orifice, Ms Truss at last exclaimed, "How ... ghastly! Ha ha ha ha! How ... absolutely appalling -- ha ha ha ha! Quite honestly, Meredith, I am at a loss to decide which is the most unsightly: prisoner Chapman like this, with his ruined, toothless mouth -- or when he's wearing his dreadful NHS dentures!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Governor Meredith Monroe. "I know exactly what you mean, Lynne," she said, wiping a tear of mirth from the corner of her eye with her fingertip. "Not a pretty sight, is he? Ha ha ha ha!"

"I have never seen the like!" exclaimed Ms Truss. "Where on earth did they get those teeth from -- last year's Grand National winner? Ha ha ha ha!

"But fine work, officer Billie Jo. This is a great bit of oral engineering. There are some jolly convenient toe-hold cavities, aren't there? Particularly in Gummy's lower jaw. Highly conducive, I should imagine, to easeful, surefooted relaxation whilst enjoying an e-cigarette during Foot Service. And yes: I can see you've certainly created lots more cosy-toes wiggle room!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Governor Monroe. "That's absolutely right! I know! Please! Try him out, Lynne. It's really very nice -- you'll be surprised!"

"Ugh! I don't think so!" said Ms Lynne Truss, parodying a shiver of revulsion. "Thank you -- but no, thank you! Really, Meredith! I don't want to put my feet in ... in there! I couldn't possibly! I mean ... Ugh!" said the AFP's Minister of Prisons, with another theatrical shudder of distaste.

Ms Lynne Truss said to Ross, "Am I to understand, prisoner Chapman, that this was the direct result of you saying 'No' twice, to officer Billie Jo?"

"Um ... not exactly, your Ladyship," said Ross respectfully. "It was a direct result of my saying 'No' to Miss Billie Jo once -- when I'd threatened to bite her foot if she put it in my mouth. The second time I said 'No' to Miss Billie Jo, she Ball-Busted me on the Wheel of Chastisement."

"Ah! Yes: the Wheel of Chastisement. Those excellent behaviour-correction devices are installed in all of our rehabilitation institutions now. In fact, we now have a Wheel of Chastisement installed in every Town Hall ...

"Of course, under the Female-Friendly Code, any female can report a male citizen's ... remissness. Either by alerting a patrolling Community Service Officer, should one be in the immediate vicinity, or by submitting the details of the infraction, along with the information printed on the offending male's identity card, to the local AFP authorities.

"But it could be, that one of our agents-at-large have reported a male citizen, for something he has said, or done -- or for something that he hasn't, said, or hasn't, done.

"Or perhaps a patrolling CSO herself, spotting a violation of the Code, might think the errant male citizen is in need of a little ... reminder.

"Whichever the case, the male subject is duly arrested and taken into custody at the Town Hall. Most days, there is usually a small handful of such off-the-straight-and-narrow males, who have been picked up by patrolling CSOs, and brought in. They are all put into the Town Hall's holding cell, and left to ponder the errors of their ways.

"Before they sign off work for the day, the last duty of the CSOs is to chastise each of the offending males in custody before releasing them.

"Each time one of the CSOs administers the summary barefoot, single-kick Ball-Bust penalty to one of the detained errant males, she then pushes the Start button, and her cane-wielding colleagues await the errant male's bare bottom to come around to them as he goes around on his one-rotation, sixty-second journey, on their slowly revolving Wheel of Chastisement ...

"They are a cruel, but kind, sure-cure treatment: effective, in ninety-nine per cent of cases. Both for incarcerated slow-learner prisoners, requiring stronger-dosage therapeutic treatment; and for errant male citizens, deemed to be in need of just a little ... reminder.

"And I'll bet, prisoner Chapman, that you haven't said 'No' to officer Billie Jo, since she Ball-Busted you. Have you -- Gummy?"

"No, your Ladyship," said Ross respectfully. "I haven't."

"Oh -- Lynne!" exclaimed Governor Monroe. "As luck would have it, there's a Ball-Bust scheduled to be carried out in less than an hour from now!

"A new inmate has grossly insulted receiving officers Melanie and Natalie. He called officer Melanie a violent bitch, when she disciplined him with a slap to the face for his insolent attitude. And he called officer Natalie a cruel cow, for describing to him in graphic detail just what he had to look forward to in Greystone Prison.

"In fact, I have already granted officers Melanie and Natalie's supplementary request, to bags firsts on the prisoner: they want to be the first, tomorrow lunchtime, to have him provide Table Service in the Staff Canteen.

"As co-offended, they'll share the principal chastiser privileges for today's Ball-Bust. I'll let officers Melanie and Natalie decide between themselves, which of them gets to have a third kick, in administering the prisoner's five-kick Ball-Bust chastisement.

"The Wheel of Chastisement is being readied down in the gymnasium right now, Lynne, as we speak. And of course, it goes without saying that you would be welcome to attend the prisoner's chastisement. In fact ... just to keep within the rules and regulations, why don't I deputise you as an acting-member of the caning-party? My officers would be so thrilled! Or wait -- even better still: why don't you, Lynne, administer the fifth and final ball-kick? Would you, Lynne, like to have the pleasure of administering the prisoner's coup de grace?"

"Oh! What a pity! Another time, certainly, Meredith. But unfortunately I'm rather pushed for time today. It's just as well we in Cabinet now have our own personal Jet Ranger helicopters at our disposal, on constant stand-by. I still have another two prisons to visit after Greystone. So my pilot will have to put her foot down, as it were.

"And Caroline has called another emergency meeting of Cabinet for early this evening. I understand it has to do with the female-insurgent problem -- again! It's so annoying, Meredith. What a nuisance! It is an increasingly irksome affair. Really! I mean, don't these women know when they are onto a jolly good thing? With all of our female-friendly policies? I mean -- really! We are putting our menfolk at their feet, for heaven's sake!"

"Ah, well. Another time, Lynne. Another time," consoled Governor Monroe.

"Oh -- and I would most certainly have enjoyed it! There's nothing like it, is there? The sheer, heartwarming satisfaction of it. But no, Meredith. Really. I couldn't possibly. I wouldn't dream, of depriving officer Melanie or officer Natalie of one of their rightful chastising barefoot kicks to their insulter's testicles.

"Oh, and how lucky you are, Meredith: at liberty to take your cane for a walk, any time you please! All of those prisoners' bare bottoms -- just waiting to be caned! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Governor Monroe in shared amusement. "Yes. And believe me, Lynne, I am very fond of taking my cane for a walk, as you so nicely put it."

"Perks of the job, Meredith!"

"Absolutely -- ha ha ha ha! Oh yes, Lynne. I am exceedingly fond of taking a leisurely stroll, up on the Levels. And ... and do you know something, Lynne? It's ... it's the strangest thing, and I know just how ridiculous it sounds ... but I really do believe, that the prisoners actually recognise the sounds of my approaching flip flops: they never look surprised to see me!"

"Why, Meredith!" exclaimed Ms Lynne Truss fascinatedly. "How very interesting! But, could such a thing be possible? Surely not! I mean, surely the sounds of one pair of approaching flip flops sound just like any other ... don't they? And there are so many prison officers here -- and all of them wearing the same, standard issue Greystone Prison flip flops ... No, Meredith. You must be imagining it. I mean, come on! The prisoners ... recognising the sounds of your approaching flip flops ...? Indeed!"

Governor Meredith Monroe turned to me and said, "Prisoner Lightwood. You never seem surprised to see me. Why is that? Do you recognise the sounds of my approaching flip flops?"

"Yes, Ma'am," I said respectfully. "I do. The sounds of your approaching flip flops are very distinctive, Ma'am. In fact, particularly so. Quite unmistakable."

"Oh, is that so, prisoner Lightwood?" said Governor Monroe sceptically, despite having just voiced her suspicions to that very effect.

"Yes, Ma'am. But, now that you come to mention it, Ma'am, I'm reminded that not only can I recognise the unique distinctions of a single pair of prison officer's approaching flip flops, but I can also actually recognise, distinguish and differentiate between several -- as many as five or six -- pairs of simultaneously approaching prison officers' flip flops. And thereby, Ma'am, the individual identities of the flip flops' wearers are revealed to me in advance."

"Um ... Let me be clear, prisoner Lightwood: Are you telling me that you can reliably recognise my officers in advance -- while they are still out of your sight -- just from the differentiating sounds of their approaching flip flops? All of them?"

"Ma'am, I wouldn't like to overstate my ability, and I don't claim it to be infallible. But, on those occasions when I do fail to recognise a particular set of approaching flip flop sounds -- albeit, even when intermingled and confused with the distracting combined signature sounds of several other pairs of prison officers' approaching flip flops -- almost invariably these unidentifiable approaching flip flop signature sounds turn out to belong to a newly appointed and as yet unknown to me prison officer."

"I can hardly believe it," said Governor Meredith Monroe. "You are doing it to me again ..." she told me, pressing her fingertips to her temples, as though she could feel a headache coming on, "... signature sounds."

"Yes, Ma'am," I said respectfully.

"Are you actually telling me, in all seriousness, prisoner Lightwood -- because you had better not be pulling my leg! -- that I am right? That you, and, by the sounds of it, other prisoners too, can actually recognise and distinguish between the ... signature sounds, of my approaching flip flops, and those of any other prison officer? Even when they are mixed up and confused with multiple other prison officers' commingled flip flop sounds?"

"Ma'am, it is inconceivable to me that other prisoners haven't developed this ability for themselves. But I can only speak for myself."

"Ah ... I know I'm going to regret this, because I always do ... All right then, prisoner Lightwood: speak for yourself," instructed Governor Monroe.

"Well, Ma'am ... At first, it was just driving me nuts: having to listen to the almost constant, almost relentless slap slap slap slapping sounds of the prison officers' thin-rubber soled flip flops slapping against the bottoms of their bare heels as they walked along. It was just so incredibly irritating!

"And I don't mean just the flip flop slapping sounds emanating from here, on Level One -- which would have been bad enough. Sound really travels in here, Ma'am, it being so very open. From here, on Level One, not only can you clearly hear the flip flop slapping sounds made by patrolling prison officers on each of the five Levels, but those from down on the open expanse of the Ground Floor concourse as well.

"Ross -- I mean prisoner Chapman, Ma'am -- told me it was something I was just going to have to get used to. He said he'd never even noticed the sounds, until I'd mentioned them. He told me to try and ignore the annoying slapping sounds -- as he himself would now have to try and do, since I'd brought them to his attention. Try and tune them out, he'd told me, if they were bothering me that much.

"But, it wasn't long, Ma'am, before I began to notice ... things. Different, individual, characteristic things, that sort of interested up a bit all of those flip flop slapping sounds. And, instead of trying to tune the flip flop slapping sounds out, I started to ... tune them in."

With a resigned sigh, Governor Monroe said, "Go on, prisoner Lightwood. What ... things, did you begin to notice?"

"Ma'am, over the past year, based upon extrapolations of phenotypical data -- mentally analysable perceived information, Ma'am, supported by visual observance verification -- I have formulated from my extensive and exhaustive study, what I believe to be a feasible if not entirely foolproof prison officer advance-identification model."

"My word! That was a bit of a mouthful, prisoner Lightwood!" exclaimed Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons. "It's good to know that prisoners are putting their time to such good use!" she added dryly.

"Ma'am, Jaws is always spouting such nonsense ... but I know the best way of shutting him up," prison officer Bella Donna informed Ms Lynne Truss.

"Hmmm ... I'm still not convinced," Governor Monroe told me. "This is an extraordinarily tall story you are asking me to swallow, prisoner Lightwood."

"Well, Ma'am, I have convinced my cellmate of my advance-identification theory's workability. He was dubious at first, too. He thought I was joking; that I was making it all up. He'd thought I was just lucky in my prison officer identity predictions. Until it became obvious that nobody could be so persistently lucky ...

"I'd hear a prison officer's approaching flip flop sounds, Ma'am, and I'd say to my cellmate: Oh-oh, here comes Poison Ivy— I mean, here comes officer Bella Donna. Or: Here comes officer Billie Jo. Or: Here comes officer Victoria ... And then: voila! There they'd be.

"But now, Ma'am, he is almost as capable as me. He still struggles a bit with multiples; it's a bit of a tricky knack to master. But now, almost as well as I can, he also can pre-recognise -- reliably discern, and distinguish in advance, Ma'am -- the unique signature sounds of almost any given individual prison officer's approaching flip flops."

"How ... singularly bizarre!" exclaimed Ms Lynne Truss. "I can hardly believe it either, Meredith. Flip flop 'signature sounds' -- indeed!"

"Yes -- indeed. And I'm still not convinced. If I thought ... if I thought, for just one second, prisoner Lightwood, that you were pulling my leg ... Okay. I know I'm going to regret this, but ... All right then, prisoner Lightwood: tell me and Ms Truss, about your theory; about your ... advance-identification model," invited Governor Monroe. "Let's see if you can truly convince us, as to the viability of your ... extensive and exhaustive study."

"Ma'am, there's a lot to the equation; there are so many dynamics at play, such a nuanced complex of confused and confusing formulaic variables for the fallible self-trained ear to interpret. But I believe the secret lies in the comfort-oriented design of the Greystone Prison issue flip flops' thin-rubber soles.

"Ma'am, the prison officers' flip flops' thin-rubber soles, being so very flexible and extremely manipulable, is of course, key.