The Jailhouse Blues Ch. 03

"But then, Ma'am, when I add in the critically important variations in the shapes and sizes of the prison officers' feet; and factor in also, the broad spectrum of highly influential variances in the prison officers' weight, height, gaits, and stride lengths -- all of which have their own, individual crucial formulaic bearing in the calculus ... I am left to conclude, Ma'am, that the phenotypical data extrapolations I've described are what enables my discerning ear to pre-recognise, and thereby successfully advance-match, the unique signature sounds of any given approaching pair -- or pairs -- of flip flops, with the individual identity -- or identities -- of their prison officer wearers.

"Um ... if I may take yourself, Ma'am, as a case in point. Yours, Ma'am, are the most easily recognisable of approaching flip flop sounds."

"Yes, you've already said, prisoner Lightwood. But how do you account for that? I mean, I wear the standard issue flip flops. I wear exactly the same Greystone Prison issue flip flops, as all of my officers. So ... what's so special, then, about the sounds of my approaching flip flops?"

"Well, Ma'am, you have a very elegant gait. That's where the visual observance verification aspect of my analysis comes into play: in supporting and confirming what my ears are telling me.

"That's how I learn, Ma'am. By very closely watching, and minutely studying, the varying interactions being played out between your walking feet -- or any prison officer's walking feet -- with their highly flexible thin-rubber soled flip flops.

"Because these interactions, Ma'am, are where all the clues are: It's in the gait. The unique way, in which a perambulating prison officer carries herself; walks about.

"Ma'am, a prison officer's weight, her height, the shape and size of her feet, and her deportment -- all of these criteria combined, go to make up the equation.

"The gait is the key determinant, Ma'am. The key determinant for the successful advance-matching of any given prison officer -- or officers -- with the unique slap slap slap slapping sounds of their thin-rubber soled flip flops slapping against the bottoms of their bare heels as they walk along.

"Your gait is so very majestic, Ma'am. The regal slap ... slap ... slap ... slapping signature sounds of your approaching flip flops, are so regular, and so very precisely measured, as to make them so incredibly easy to recognise. So very distinguishable -- even when intermingled and confused with multiple other prison officers' approaching flip flop sounds."

"Fascinating!" exclaimed Ms Lynne Truss, Minister of Prisons. "Absolutely fascinating! My word! This will certainly make for an entertaining anecdote, during Cabinet coffee-break this evening! Heavens above! I wouldn't have believed a single word of it, had I not personally heard it from prisoner Lightwood's own lips. But I do believe I am convinced! No one could possibly make it up. How absolutely extraordinary! It's like a ... flip flop phenomenon!"

Governor Monroe said, "Yes, Lynne. Prisoner Lightwood has quite convinced me now, too ... But, not for the first time, he has also managed to give me the beginnings of what promises to be the most awful headache. What, with all of his extrapolated, formulaic, advance-identification model, extensive and exhaustive flip flop signature sounds study results!"

Well, Governor, you did ask! I thought, but didn't say.

Governor Monroe said, "I must say, Lynne, you are a lot more easily entertained than me. What interesting conversations prisoner Lightwood and his cellmate must have -- not!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Ms Lynne Truss. "Jaws and Gummy: the prison officers' flip flop advance-identification experts! Ha ha ha ha! Just wait until I tell Caroline!"

To Ross, prison officer Billie Jo said waspishly, "What I want to know -- Gummy! -- is if you can pre-recognise and advance-identify the sounds of my approaching flip flops ... why, when I arrive at your cell, aren't you already assuming the position for Foot Service? To save me the trouble of having to tell you!"

"Um ... prisoner Lightwood is exaggerating my advance-recognition ability, somewhat. I ... I haven't quite mastered identifying the signature sounds of your approaching flip flops yet, Miss Billie Jo," fibbed Ross.

Indicating to me, Governor Monroe said, "Officer Bella Donna, would you kindly ...?"

"Of course, Ma'am!" replied prison officer Bella Donna.

"Come on, you -- Mister phenotypical data!" snapped prison officer Bella Donna. "Giving Governor Monroe another terrible headache! Later, I'll give you something to study exhaustively! Something to analyse minutely!"

"Yes, Miss Bella Donna," I said respectfully.

"Now kneel here!" ordered prison officer Bella Donna, indicating the position Ross had just vacated. "On your knees, at her Ladyship's feet! Show her your mouth modifications, that I had the orthopaedic surgeon at Brighton General Infirmary install."

"Yes, Miss Bella Donna," I said respectfully.

About to get her first view of the second set of fascinating mouth-modifications that Governor Monroe had told her about over coffee, from her swivel chair Ms Lynne Truss leaned forward, and peered closely at my face.

I pointed to the centre of my chin, helpfully indicating to Ms Truss exactly where she should press ... but she didn't understand. I could have explained. But I thought it best to stay silent: I would only incur prison officer Bella Donna's wrath, I knew, for having the temerity to speak to an AFP high-up without first being given permission.

At last, when she couldn't see what all the fuss was about, Ms Truss said to Governor Monroe, "Um ... Meredith ... what, exactly, am I supposed to be looking for?"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Governor Monroe. "Yes ... you would never know, just to look at him. Jaws looks quite normal, doesn't he? His improvements aren't as obvious as Gummy's. You first need to press Jaws' Start button, as it were, Lynne," the Governor explained.

"Officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo ... would you like to demonstrate the operation of Jaws' mouth modifications to Ms Truss?" invited Governor Monroe.

"Ma'am!" said prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo enthusiastically.

Instantly, from behind me I heard the intermingled and confused slap slap slap slapping sounds of two pairs of rapidly approaching thin-rubber soled flip flops -- but I had no need to pre-recognise, and advance-match them with the individual identities of their prison officer wearers!

Prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo couldn't wait to show off in front of the Authoritarian Female Party's Minister of Prisons!

"Um ... on second thoughts," said Governor Monroe. "I think I'd like to perform the demonstration for Ms Truss myself."

"Ma'am," said the crestfallen prison officers Bella Donna and Billie Jo.

"Jaws," said Governor Meredith Monroe. "For the purpose of this demonstration, you will behave just as if you were assuming the position for Foot Service in your cell."

"Yes, Ma'am," I said respectfully.

"Sit on the floor, and insert your legs into the open front of my desk -- and open them wide, leaving enough room for me to stand in front of you. So that I can rest my hands on my desk for support and balance, while I stand on one leg with my back turned to you."

"Yes, Ma'am," I said respectfully.

"I'm improvising, you see. Because I don't have the usual ease and convenience of having the bars of your cell to lean back on, or to cuff your wrists to."

"Yes, Ma'am. I understand," I said respectfully, complying with Governor Monroe's instructions.

Governor Monroe then positioned herself in front of her desk, standing between my wide-open legs, and with her back to me. "Move back a couple of inches, Jaws," she instructed, gently back-heeling me in the groin.

"Yes, Ma'am," I said respectfully, hurriedly complying.

When in the assuming-the-position position in my cell, because the cell's floor was on a lower level than the walkway outside the cell's bars, my face was at the mid-leg, or calf level of the Foot Service availing prison officers. Being a dyed-in-the-wool leg man, at least this was not without its crumbs-of-comfort consolations.

Positioned as I now was, my face was almost on a level with Governor Monroe's bottom. But the close-up sight of Governor Meredith Monroe's buttocks pushing against the snug confines of her Greystone Prison uniform pale-blue short skirt, I found, was also a far from disagreeable experience ... and prisoners had to take their consolatory crumbs of comfort from wherever they found them.

To the Authoritarian Female Party's Minister of Prisons, Governor Monroe said, "You see, Lynne. By whichever method one finds most easeful, one can avail oneself of the pleasures of Jaws' mouth-modifications, by first pressing ... here (with her forefinger Governor Monroe indicated the slightly raised nub at the centre of my chin), with the bottom of one's heel, ball of the foot, or with the pads of one's toes. Personally, I prefer to use the pad of my big-toe. But first, I'll let Jaws have a little whiff of my personal perfume ..."

Governor Meredith Monroe then rested her hands on her desk for balance and support and, looking down on me over her right shoulder she raised her right foot until her lightly suntanned sole reached my face. Cupping her toes around my nostrils, and resting the bottom of her heel upon my weight-bearing upper forehead, Governor Monroe settled herself as comfortably as these imperfect conditions permitted.

"Ah ... this is the life. I always like to let prisoners have a good sniff, Lynne, during Foot Service. Before they lick away the worst of the stinky-feet smell.

"But not only that: together with resting the bottom of one's heel upon his forehead, a prisoner's nose is an excellent place to perch the ball of one's resting foot. The way it takes the weight off one's feet -- or rather, off one's standing foot -- is so incredibly comfortable and relaxing. Ideal, for enjoying an e-cigarette.

"But, as you can see, Lynne, this present arrangement isn't terribly conducive or convenient. In fact, it isn't particularly relaxing at all; the height of Jaws' face is all wrong. But this is just for show. Pre-demonstration. Normally, of course, one avails oneself of the prisoners' Foot Service attentions at the bars of their cell, where the conditions for Foot Service are perfect by design."

Ms Lynne Truss said, "Meredith ... from what he has just told us about his amazing ability to pre-recognise, and thereby advance-match any given set -- or sets -- of approaching flip flop signature sounds, with the identity -- or identities -- of the flip flops' prison officer wearer -- or wearers -- I bet prisoner Lightwood could recognise your personal stinky-feet perfume signature blindfold! And not only that: I bet he could blindfold-recognise the stinky-feet signatures of every other prison officer, too!"

"Oh, please, Lynne," groaned Governor Monroe. "Let's not go there!"

After another minute or two of her having me inhale the cheesy fumes of her in-between-the-toes foot stink (I knew better than trying to avoid the disagreeable odour by breathing through my mouth), Governor Monroe said, "Now, watch what I do, Lynne, to make use of Jaws' mouth modifications ... With the pad of my big-toe, I press ... here."

"Meredith, what was that clicking sound?" inquired Ms Truss. "When you pushed the pad of your big-toe into the middle of Jaws' chin, there was a distinct clicking sound."

"That clicking noise you just heard, Lynne, was the sound of two metal clasps being deployed. By pressing Jaws' Start button, as we call it, located right in the middle of his chin, I've engaged the two clasps to the two ratchet-wheel operated stainless-steel telescopic pins, that are surgically embedded in ... Jaws' jaws."

"Heavens!" said Ms Lynne Truss.

"Don't the two stainless-steel pins make your jaws ache, Jaws?" asked Ms Truss.

"Only when there's rain on the way, your Ladyship," I said. "But the prison officers help take my mind off it."

Governor Monroe said, "Now watch, Lynne. And if you listen closely -- and you'll have to, because the orthopaedic surgeon has done the most amazing job -- you will actually be able to hear the two ratchet wheels turning on their self-lubricating cogs; hear their teeth, softly grinding inside the two stainless-steel telescopic pins' casements as they are extended.

"When the desired extension is reached -- up to a maximum of four and a half inches -- as soon as a user releases downward pressure on Jaws' chin, the two ratcheted cogwheels' leading teeth automatically back-lock in place.

"And similarly, post-use: to disengage the two clasps from the telescopic extension pins to restore control of Jaws' mouth to him once more, one simply reverses the opening-up procedure."

Upon seeing the look on Ms Lynne Truss's face, laughing, Governor Monroe said, "It's not as complicated as it sounds, Lynne. For the purpose of this demonstration, I'll extend Jaws' jaws right up to the four-and-a-half-inch limit."

Using the bottom of her bare heel, Governor Monroe slowly pushed down on my chin, until the two telescopic stainless-steel pins embedded in the living bone of my jaws were fully extended.

As usual, I felt the weird grating sensations; felt the vibrating in my jaws, as the ratcheted cogwheels softly grinded inside the two telescopic stainless-steel pins' casements as they turned.

Though the procedure of my "minor op" was reversible, I knew that for as long as the Authoritarian Female Party remained in power, it never would be reversed. Prison officer Bella Donna had told me that expenditure on such a frivolity could never be justified -- and besides, she liked me just the way I was now.

Governor Monroe said, conversationally, "It really is quite extraordinary, Lynne, the feat of oral engineering performed by the orthopaedic surgeon. One can actually feel the resistance, Lynne, as one depresses Jaws' jaw. It's almost hydraulic."

"Good heavens!" exclaimed Ms Truss, as she beheld the sight of my fully extending jaw. "How ... extraordinary!" she said, gawping incredulously into the increasingly yawning chasm of my oral orifice.

"Impressive, Lynne, isn't it?" said Governor Monroe, having ratchet wheel back-locked my now fully extended jaws.

"And of course, Jaws can't talk while he's like this. He can't say a word -- ha ha ha! No ... We put his tongue to much better use."

"Meredith," said Ms Truss, peering into my wide-open mouth. "Those two telescopic stainless-steel pins, are rather like miniature versions of ... the extending aerial on my kitchen radio."

"Yes, Lynne, it's the same principle," said Governor Monroe. "In fact, the equipment is actually the same as can be bought from any TV and Radio electricals shop. Of course, Jaws' telescopic pins have been specially adapted. They've got their internal ratchet-wheel operated mechanisms, and docking nodes for the two Start-button operated clasps."

"My word, Meredith! The wonders of modern technology!" marvelled Ms Truss.

"See, Lynne?" demonstrated Governor Monroe, inserting her foot into my mechanically-opened mouth. "I used to only be able to get my toes in here, with any real degree of comfort."

"Hmm," said Ms Lynne Truss. "I must say, Meredith, it does look rather agreeable."

"Oh, it is, Lynne, it is. By and large, prisoners' mouths aren't very roomy. Albeit unintentionally, their teeth can be apt to scrape and scratch our feet, which is obviously detrimental to one's deriving the fullest possible pleasure and satisfaction from Foot Service.

"I can't help thinking, Lynne, that the obvious solution to the problem would be to simply extract prisoners' teeth upon their arrival at prison. After all, for committing offences against the Female-Friendly Code, they deserve nothing less.

"And then -- just like Gummy, here, who's replacement teeth were chosen for him by officer Billie Jo -- we'd cheaply kit them out with second-hand sets of NHS dentures. Can you imagine, Lynne? It would be like the House of Horrors in here -- but it would give us all a heck of a good laugh!"

"Good thinking, Meredith," agreed Ms Truss. "I'm with you. I'm all for anything that will put a smile on our prison officers' faces. And of course it would have the extra benefit of ramming home to prisoners, right from the get-go, that we don't pussyfoot about with prisoners. That we are not in the business of slack-cutting. Because the sooner they realise they haven't come to a holiday camp, the better off they'll be. I'll put your proposal to Caroline, at the next scheduled meeting of Cabinet. Caroline's always open to new, innovative ideas."

"It's a nice idea, Lynne. But realistically, I can't see it happening, can you? Not on such an industrial scale. Even the AFP government would balk at the cost."

"You are probably right, Meredith. Funds do need to be prioritised."

"In an ideal world, Lynne, it would be nice to have the 'Jaws' model as standard. Because prisoner Lightwood's oral capacity is even more generously accommodating than Gummy's."

"It certainly looks it, Meredith!"

"Such an extremely good-looking young man as he is, even prior to his oral alterations he was a particular favourite with my officers -- but now! Prisoner Lightwood is always in demand, Lynne. In fact, officer Bella Donna sometimes has to declare him temporarily off-limits."

"Yes, Meredith. I can see why prisoner Lightwood makes such a wonderful foot servant. And -- whether or not they opt to use his special facility -- I'm not surprised he is so popular with your officers."

"As a former ladies' man; a former man of the world, who's really been around, my officers are particularly attracted to prisoner Lightwood. They were so happy, when officer Bella Donna had him ... idealised."

"Yes, indeed. But as you say, Meredith, there's the matter of cost. As it is, we are plowing so much money into introducing and developing so many new Placement schemes; investing heavily and over-budget in so many female-friendly projects ... So Jaws will almost certainly be a one-off."

"Very probably, Lynne. More's the pity."

"And, as for kitting out newly arrived prisoners with second-hand NHS dentures ... well, despite the relatively cheap cost, your idea would certainly be met with outrage, and with fierce resistance ... Faced with such an unprecedented demand on their services, our dentists would soon be pulling their hair out, as well as the newly admitted prisoners' teeth."

"Hmm ... Yes, Lynne. I suppose they would. It is a big ask."

"But you never know, Meredith. Caroline may one day give the 'Gummy' model project the green light. It's just a question of priorities."

"See, Lynne," said Governor Monroe, continuing her demonstration. "I can now quite comfortably insert my foot -- with absolutely no unpleasant scraping or scratching whatever -- to ... here. See, Lynne, how far I can now insert my foot into Jaws' mouth ...? Right up to my heel. I was very pleasantly surprised, actually, to find just how much extra one-legged balance and sure-footed stability it affords one during Foot Service."

"He ... doesn't choke?" asked the incredulous Ms Truss.

"No, Lynne, he doesn't. Not on my dainty feet, anyway -- ha ha ha ha! That's all down to officer Bella Donna: she has trained Jaws not to gag on our toes."

"How absolutely ... bizarre!" exclaimed Ms Truss. "This will make for another entertaining Cabinet coffee-time story!"

What Governor Meredith Monroe said was true: prison officer Bella Donna had actually taught me how not to choke on her, or on any other prison officers' horribly invasive bare toes. But still, it was always a desperate effort not to gag, on their throat-invading disgusting digits.