The Third Time's the Charm

Sometime during the afternoon, Jeff went out and got KFC for both of us. We sat on the porch eating without very much conversation. I noticed that Jeff had driven Mindy's car to go get the chicken instead of his SUV, but I didn't bring it up. The only thing we did talk about was the kids and how fast they were growing and the weather. We also talked about what I had done with the yard at home. But that conversation turnedinto a dead end when I started to talk about my plans for the future.

Jeff suddenly looked at me as if I was a fool for even thinking I had a future where things as trivial as yard work mattered. After that we didn't talk much. Sometime just after dark, I was beginning to get drowsy, when what we'd both been waiting for happened.

Dale's jeep pulled up almost silently compared to his and Shannon's Mustangs. Lauren got out and hugged Dale and said something to him. Mindy did the same and each of them grabbed one of the sleeping girls from the back seat. Shannon neither got out of the jeep nor looked at the house. I had expected them to all come up to the house. I had hoped that Dale and I could talk.

When Dale got back inside of the jeep, I suddenly realized, that it wasn't going to happen. I got to my feet and started walking quickly towards the jeep when it took off.

He hadn't rushed, nor had he dawdled. I almost thought that he either hadn't seen me or simply didn't care as he drove off. I walked back to the porch feeling even worse than I had before.

As I got to the porch and Lauren handed the sleeping form of Ashley to her dad, I heard her speak to him.

"Hey, Jeff, Dad apologized for not being here today to help you with your brakes. He got the parts a couple of days ago and told me to tell you that you guys could do it tomorrow if you wanted."

"Seriously?" asked Jeff. "With everything that's going on he thought about my frigging brakes?"

Lauren just nodded and Jeff just shook his head and went inside the house leaving Lauren and me alone.

Lauren's arrival pulled me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay, Mom?" she asked.

"Not really," I told her. "I'm having trouble processing the fact that something that meant so little to me, could cause me this much pain."

Her look told me that she didn't understand it. "So is he that much better?" she asked.

"Actually, he isn't as good," I admitted. Her look then was even more confused.

"So you love him more, then?" she asked.

"I don't actually love Andy at all. I kind of hate him, if you really want to know," I said.

"Mom, I don't understand," she said. "Don't you love Dale?"

"With all my heart," I said trying to hold back my sobs.

Normally Lauren was on my side no matter what. She was a mama's girl. She could always be counted upon to put her arm around me,give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright.

"Then why would you do that?" she asked. "I love you, Mom. But I just don't get this. There has to be a reason why you did it. We had a family, and a very good one. Sure I can understand your ex husband coming to town and you want to see him. Or maybe he wants to see his kids. Some fathers are like that. Not ours apparently, but some of them. So Mom, I could see you having him over for dinner or a barbecue. But this I don't understand.

"I guess I didn't give it any thought. Because I never thought he'd find out," I sobbed.

"Mom, leaving home without your grocery list is not giving something a thought. When a woman who is married fucks some other guy, it takes some thought." she said angrily.

I just stated at her. Her outburst was totally unprecedented. Lauren was the gentlest and least aggressive of my kids. I had never heard her raise her voice.

"Lauren, Baby, it's going to be fine," I told her. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, because she went berserk.

"What the fuck do you mean it's going to be fine?" she screamed. "You haven't seen him. He is shattered, mother. If Shannon wasn't there, I think he would have just folded up and died. Every time he looked at me or Mindy or the girls, I got the impression that he was trying to memorize our faces because he was sure he would never see us again."

"So, Mom, are you going to do all of the stuff that Dale does for us, or is our biological father going to take over? Somehow I doubt that bio-dad is going to be much help. I mean how is he going to help Jeff with his car and help me when he really can't even remember my name?"

I had no idea what to say to her. "I'm going to fix this, Lauren," I said. I had no idea how I was going to do it. But I was sure that I would. No matter what it took, I would put my family back together again.

I had an even worse night. It seemed as if trying to get a good night's sleep without Dale's arms wrapped around me wasn't possible.

I heard Jeff on the phone early in the morning and went out in the hall to see what was going on.

"Jeff are you going over to the house?" I asked. He just nodded at me.

"Good," I said. "I'm going with you." The look Igave him and the tone in my voice let him know that arguing with mewas not going to be a good thing.

Twenty minutes later we were in his truck, heading home and I had no idea what I was going to say to my husband. Somehow, I'm sorry didn't seem strong enough. Nothing I could think of seemed to truly convey what I wanted to say to him. I wished that I could make up new words that would express what I felt but some things are just behind words.

We pulled up in front of the house ... my house or at least it had been for the past twelve years. My flower beds needed to be weeded. That had been my intention. I'd planned on doing it while Dale cut the grass this weekend. He still hadn't cut the grass, yet. But he'd gone up to the cottage yesterday so he hadn't had a chance to do it yet.

I got out of the truck, just as the garage door opened. Jeff eased the truck forward into the garage. With the brakes protesting loudly all the way.

"Mom, why are you here?" I heard Shannon's voice over my shoulder.

"I ... I ... I wanted to talk to your dad and..." I stuttered as I faced the scrutiny of my youngest child's intense gaze.

"Now isn't a good time," she said. "Come on I'll take you back to Jeff's."

"What do you mean, now isn't a good time?"'I asked her.

"Mom he needs time to heal and get over this. He needs time to get his head on straight, so he can think clearly. He doesn't need you stirring his emotions back up."

"But I only wanted to..." I began.

"Mom, we've had quite enough of what you wanted lately," she said. "Now let me take you back to Jeff's before things get even worse."

Shannon and I drove back to Jeff 'a house in her Mustang. The whole way there I tried to make conversation. She didn't say much until we got to Jeff's drive way.

"Mom, I have to go back to school this evening," she said. "Lauren and Mindy will take turns checking on Daddy until I come back next weekend. I'll call him during the day and in the evenings. We have this covered. I just need you to stay away from him and give him some space for a while."

* * * * * *

Dale

I don't think I'd have made it through that first weekend if it weren't for Shannon. She had always been my sidekick and confidant, but that weekend was a whole new level. It was as if our roles were reversed. She was the parent and I was I her child who was going through a difficult growing phase. She kept me busy, kept me engaged and kept my mind off of my problems. For that weekend, she made sure that I was around all of the family, but also managed to make sure that none of them mentioned what was going on between their mother and me.

When I thought back on it later, it reminded me of the few times during our marriage that Brenda and I were away from each other. Usually it was because either I had to travel for business or she had to visit out of town family. I also began to wonder how many times she had cheated on me during those visits.

It was strange but over the course of a few days I had gone from loving Brenda more than life itself and trusting her with my heart, my soul, and all of my love; to not wanting to see or be around her and only trusting her as far as I could throw an elephant.

In those first few days I spent a lot of time crying. I'm a man. We don't cry. But that's what I did. I didn't do it around anyone else. But that's what I did. I cried so much I didn't have to pee for days. And in the end, I cried myself out.

I cried for the loss of my innocence. I cried for the loss of my idyllic life. I cried for the loss of love and trust between us. But most of all I cried for the loss of my family. Over twelve years we had built a bond that I'd always thought would be difficult to break. But all it took was a chance and the pretender was exposed for what he ... I was.

I was a husband without a wife. I was a father without any children. Everything I prided myself on belonged to someone else.

Although technically, Brenda and I were legally married. A legal marriage is only a piece of paper. It means about as much as the vows she broke. And biologically, none of the kids were mine. I was sure that Andy would reclaim all of them, simply by showing up.

It had taken me twelve years to gain a position of importance in the lives of Jeff and Lauren. Jeff had been a particularly tough nut to crack. He and I had gone through our battles. I had heard the old "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my father," more times than I can count.

It had taken years of being forgotten or ignored when things were going well and being the first person called when he was in trouble to make a dent. And through it all, there were always the barely heard remarks that always let me know I would never be as good at anything as his dad. I had the truly unenviable task of competing with a memory.

In Jeff's memory, Andy was infallible, unbeatable, invulnerable, and immortal. No human being could have successfully competed with that. So I didn't try. I just did my best to be there when he needed me and stay out of his way when he didn't.

No one was more surprised than me, when he came up to me and said "Dad, I'm going to marry Mindy. You've always been there for me. I want you to be my best man."

We'd grown closer ever since. That was until Andy came back to claim his throne.

Lauren was a different kind of challenge. She was quiet and distant. Her only concern was that her mother be happy. It took a while for her to see that I wasn't out to use Brenda and then leave her. She also had to see that I would never hurt her mom in any other way. After that I had to get to know Lauren herself. I encouraged her. I became her biggest cheerleader whether she was right or wrong. I don't think it mattered much to Lauren who was with Brenda, as long as Brenda was happy and treated well.

Shannon was different. She was on my side from the very beginning. So Shannon electing to stay with me didn't surprise me at all. What did surprise me was the vehemence that she went after Andy with though. But I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't pleased me.

Even when she went back to school, Shannon took care of me. She called me every morning and every evening, just to make sure I was okay and making progress in getting over the situation.

She was also concerned with keeping me the way she thought I should be. She, more than me, was responsible for me keeping my distance from Brenda early on.

"Daddy, you're not strong enough to face her yet," she would tell me. That was followed by days of, "Daddy, you're too angry to face her right now." She also understood more than I would have given her credit for, why I needed to see a lawyer.

And truthfully, Shannon was the reason why three weeks after I had caught her, I sat down with Brenda for the first time.

We met at a restaurant that I knew she loved. She got there early, and was already seated, when I arrived. Brenda isn't the most attractive woman in the world. She doesn't have a world class body or a face that can launch a thousand ships. She's just your typical housewife. But I loved her so much that seeing her again almost brought tears to my eyes.

As soon as I sat down across from her she handed me a napkin.

"Brenda, I'm not a messy eater," I said. "After twelve years you should know that."

"I do know that, Dale," she said. "After twelve wonderful years I know everything about you. So I know that as soon as you saw me your eyes teared up."

"I just had something in my eye," I said indignantly. She laughed at that.

Her smile as she looked at me across the table reminded me of what I was about to lose. I was so busy thinking about all of the good times we'd had and all of the things we'd done together, that I zoned out.

I realized suddenly that a life or a marriage isn't really measured by the good times as much as it is by the bad times and how you handle them.

Any couple can handle good times. You can have fun on vacations or holidays with total strangers. But it takes a strong couple that really loves each other to make it through the dark days. The times when you have to put aside your personal wants and work together are what really make or break a marriage.

I suddenly realized that the waiter was talking to me. I looked at the menu he held out to me and shook my head. I ordered for both of us and noticed Brenda just sitting there across from me and smiling.

"You haven't done that since the first time we went out," she laughed. "You just sat there staring at me and totally zoned out. I thought that here was something wrong with you. But back then, I thought there was something wrong with every man."

"I remember," I said.

"You told me that I was beautiful and I almost fell off my chair," she said. "No one had ever told me that before. I thought it was a line of shit. I knew what I looked like. I also knew that at thirty-five years old, my best days were past me or so I thought. I knew I wasn't beautiful. During my prime, I had been described as "cute." I was never called "pretty," or "hot," just "cute." I was a chunky, over thirty woman with three kids. What man in his right mind would want to be saddled with that?" She shrugged her shoulders and kept staring at me as if she was seeing me for the first time.

"I just couldn't see what you saw in me," she said. "I mean we'd already had sex before our first date, so I just didn't see where flattering me would gain you anything. It took me a while before I figured out that you were really in love with me. I never did figure out why. I just accepted it and went with it. You were too different from every other guy I had ever been with. Dale you treated me like I mattered and made me feel special."

"Because you are," I told her.

"So after we eat, let's go home so I can make you feel special," she said. "We can make..."

"No, Brenda," I interrupted her. "That's not why we're here."

"Dale, I don't want to talk about this, now. It's stupid and depressing. I miss you. I love you so much. I've already told you that I'm sorry and it won't happen again. What more can I say?"

"Brenda, I don't expect you to say anything," I said. "I only set up this meeting because Shannon thought..."

"What does Shannon have to do with this?" she asked angrily. "And when did this become a meeting? I thought this was a date!"

"Look, Shannon thought that I should give you a heads up about what's going on," I said. "She said that I had always tried to do things the right way. So I wanted to warn you, so this didn't just come at you out of the blue."

"So what didn't come at me out of the blue?" she asked. She stood up and her voice had steadily gotten louder.

"I've gone to see a lawyer about us getting a divorce," I said calmly.

"You did what?" she screamed. Every head in the restaurant around us turned towards her. She noticed it and lowered her voice.

"Dale, my bad," she said. "I've already told you that I was wrong. I fucked up. It won't happen again. This isn't that serious. I'll do whatever it takes to make it better."

I just shook my head. "Dale, we're talking about sex, nothing more. So what, I let some guy fuck me. I wasn't a virgin when we met. There had been more guys before you than I can even remember. I just don't understand what the big deal is."

"Apparently it's not a big deal to you," I said. "But I guess we saw it differently. In my way of seeing it, I married you because I loved you so much that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted you to be mine; forever. That was the point of those vows we took."

"I am yours, stupid," she said. "I just didn't know you were that serious about the whole thing. So I gave Andy some pussy. It's not like I can run out. There's still plenty for you, Honey, and you know..."

"I know that you don't have to worry about whether or not I get any," I said. "And from now on you can give it to whoever you choose because I won't be in the way. You won't have to worry about me showing up and interrupting you. You'll be free to do whatever you want and give yourself to anyone you want."

"Dale, I only want to give myself to you," she said. "I love you. It was only one time. It was a slip. Andy and I did make three kids together. Three kids that you love as much as I do, so..."

"So now you've started lying to me too," I said. "This wasn't the first time you've cheated on me. And I doubt that Andy is the only one. So why not be honest about it. Obviously you can't. I guess the woman that I thought I married doesn't really exist."

"I guess, I thought I married a man who loved me enough to forgive a few stupid mistakes," she said. "In the end all of you are just the same. All you care about is your own whims and wishes. Andy liked to fuck me, just like you do. The only difference between you is what happens when the fucking is over."

I looked at her like she was crazy. I saw no similarities between him and me.

"When Andy is done with me, he goes off and fucks other women. He doesn't give a damn what I do or who I do it with, as long as I'm there so he can get his when he wants it. If I do something he doesn't like, he beats the shit out of me and stays pissed at me for a few days," she said. "You on the other hand treat me like a fucking queen. But you expect me to stay locked up and save myself for you alone. Dale it feels so good to know that you love me that much. It feels so warm and fuzzy to know that me screwing someone else hurts you. But I'm a human being. I'm going to fuck up from time to time." She reached across the table and took my hand.

"Dale, in some ways you're worse than Andy ever was. You make me feel all special and then when I slip, you want to end things. I can understand punishing me. Dale I think you should take me home and beat my ass bloody. But throwing away twelve good years over something that doesn't matter is stupid. I don't think you'll do it."

"Brenda, I'm glad you have such a high opinion of yourself. It's good to see that over the years your sense of self esteem has skyrocketed. But I didn't ask you to come to this meeting to decide whether or not I wanted a divorce. I just called you here to let you know that it was coming," I said.

"Dale, Honey, I love you more than you'll ever know," she said. "You love me too. You love me so much that you always give in to me. And you're going to this time too. You always give in because I'm more important to you than whatever we argue over. But this time the stakes are too high. I could make you just live with what I did, but I love you too, Honey. If I have to I'd sew my pussy shut, but then you wouldn't get any either. But we both know that you aren't going to divorce me, no matter what happens because you have too much to lose."