To Sir, With Love

"Well, I do prefer taller men, but that's not unusual, is it?" she asked.

"Not at all. Now as you go through those preferences, all that matters is that they're important to you, right? If your sister, or any other woman, for that matter, disagrees, they don't get a vote because you're the one describing your ideal man, correct? The same is true for for me when I describe my ideal woman. In my case, I prefer older women. But I'll be honest and admit I only date older, beautiful women."

He smiled then said, "Like you, Palmer. So...does that help at all?"

"It does actually," she admitted. "I still don't really understand it, but for now I'll take you at your word and just accept that you're telling me the truth."

Then she smiled and said, "Not that I think you're lying to me, mind you. It's just very hard for me to understand."

"If it's not too personal, can you tell me why your marriage ended?" he asked politely to change the subject.

Palmer started talking and once she did, she couldn't stop talking. She went on and on for a very long time before realizing she was monopolizing the conversation.

"Sorry. I don't think I've ever opened up to anyone I don't know very well like that before. I hope I didn't bore you to death."

"On the contrary, you just provided me with a window to your soul," he told her. "Now I have a pretty good idea of who you are and what you need."

"Wow. I don't have a good idea of what I need. Elaine tells me I need to have fun, but I just don't know."

"You're a people pleaser, Palmer. You find your happiness by making other people happy," he told her causing her to set her drink down and focus on his every word.

"I am," she admitted. "Elaine thinks that's a fault, but I see it as a strength."

"It is a strength. For you, anyway. You see, I believe that people need to really know themselves before they can know another person. We need to be in touch with our innermost needs. Then, and only then, can we hope to find someone to meet them."

He smiled then said, "Isn't that what relationships are all about? Getting our needs met?"

Palmer tilted her head then asked, "Isn't that...selfish? You know, to want to get our own needs met? Shouldn't we focus on meeting the other person's needs?"

"If you're with the right person, both of you will meet the other person's needs while getting yours met. You see, relationships shouldn't be 50/50 propositions, they should be 100/100."

"I'm not following," she admitted but found herself fascinated by this conversation.

"Well, 50/50 implies I give only if you give. We...take turns. We hold back and wait to see if we're going to get something before we give something. But 100/100 means we just give and give and give and keep on giving."

"But what if you do that and get nothing in return?"

"Ah, like your marriage, right?" he asked in a way that didn't make her feel small.

"Well, yes. That's all I did was give and keep giving."

"Perhaps I spoke too quickly, but I was trying to emphasize the importance of finding the right person. I've never met your husband, but I feel safe saying he was not the right person for you. That's why your needs never got met. Had you been with the right kind of man, your giving would have resulted in your getting, and both of you would have been very satisfied."

Palmer was no longer hungry. At least not for food. But she was almost literally feeding her soul with his words.

"So how exactly does one know when one has found this 'right person'?"

Kane smiled then said, "First axiom—know thyself. You have to know who you are and what you need. Once you do, then you look for someone who can meet those needs; someone who will find his happiness in meeting them even as you meet his."

"You make it all sound so simple," she said. "I'm...well...I'm 43 and I still don't seem to know who I am."

"Would you like me to tell you?" Kane said in the kindest voice she'd ever heard.

A part of her wanted to laugh or say something like, "Oh, so you talk to me for an hour and you know exactly what I need, huh?"

But he'd been spot on in everything he'd said so far and she found herself wanting to hear what he had to say.

"You...you know who I am and what I need?" she asked, her body tingling again the way it had before when she'd called him.

"I do," he told her. "You're an easy read, Palmer."

"So...?" she asked barely able to breathe.

"First let me say that if I'm right, you're exactly what I've been looking for since I came to the realization of who I am."

His words were warm and sweet and although she was a little afraid to hear what he might say she felt like his words were some kind of powerful drug and if she didn't hear them she might die.

"Who are you, Kane?" she asked just above a whisper.

"Me? I'm a man who wants to love with unbridled passion. Someone who wants a wife and a family, and above all else, a wife who...completes me," he told her.

"I...I'm listening to every word, but I'm not understanding any of this," Palmer admitted.

"I have needs just like everyone else," he said knowing that wouldn't be enough to answer her questions. "And so do you."

"Okay. So far, I'm with you," she told him. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she didn't even know where he was going.

"The key is to find someone who sees love as a 100/100 kind of affair, and who has the same needs as you, even if the other person's needs are exactly the opposite," he said with another warm smile.

"I am so completely lost right now," Palmer told him.

"I'll be more direct, if you'll promise you'll listen carefully and be willing to look at yourself and your deepest needs in light of what I'm about to say. Will you?"

"Yes," she said. "Yes. I'll do that. I promise."

He reached out for her hand and after looking at it for several seconds, she slowly moved hers until it rested in his.

"Don't let the words I use confuse you, okay? They're just labels. It's the underlying needs they describe that are important. So I'm asking you to examine your own deepest needs not in terms of the labels, but what they represent."

Palmer was still lost, but her heart was pounding so loudly she was sure Kane could hear it.

He put his other hand on top of hers then said, "I am a dominate male, and you are a submissive female."

He watched her eyes trying to gauge her reaction, but this time he couldn't read her.

"Dominant as in...bondage...dominant?" she asked, her heart slowing as she felt crestfallen.

"No. Not at all," he told her.

"Then I don't understand," she replied.

"You're confusing bondage which is a form of sadomasochism with domination and submission," he explained.

"I'm not seeing the difference," she told him now not sure she even wanted to hear more.

"Remember. It's not the labels, okay?" he said continuing. "You have this...innate need to please. You can only be happy when you're giving and...serving and...submitting."

Palmer shook her head and said, "I would think that submitting has been my problem. Everyone tells me I need to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. Now you're telling me I need to be one? Is that what I'm hearing?"

"No. Not at all," he told her. "I agree that in your marriage you've been a doormat because your husband could not and would not appreciate what you were offering him. He saw you as weak and someone he could take advantage of. He had no idea who you are or what you need, Palmer. I'm also going to guess he has no idea who he is, either, so he does the things he does trying to fill some 'hole in his soul' but he doesn't know how to fill it."

She gently pulled her hand away then said, "I think maybe you should take me home now."

"I will. If that's what you want, I will. But please spend some time asking yourself how it would make you feel to have a husband who loves you without measure for being who you are? Someone who adores you because of your greatest needs and who also finds his happiness in allowing you a venue to explore them as far as your mind will take you. How would it make you feel to be with a man like that? A giver who gives 100% and who allows you to do the same while loving you for doing so."

"I don't think I'm comfortable talking about this anymore," she said unable to continue looking at him.

"It took me a long time to find out who I really am and what my own needs are. But once I was honest with myself, it all just clicked. I know this has been a lot to take in, but my hope is that you'll not shut yourself off from the possibility of being happier than you've ever been."

"And you're saying that could only happen with you, right?" Palmer asked feeling even more uncomfortable.

"No. I'm saying it can only be possible with someone like me. Someone who is a true 'dom' who needs a true 'sub'—like you—to complete himself."

"So...so you just order me around and I just do what you say? That...that doesn't sound like happiness to me. It sounds like...Bobby."

"I'll um...I'll take you home now, Palmer. But I am not your husband and as I said, he could not appreciate you for who you are. I can and I would."

He signaled their server for the check then said, "One last thing. People don't change, Palmer. It's like the old saying, 'Leopards don't change their spots.' You will always need to please, and the only way for you to be truly happy is to understand your needs; to give them a place where they can be expressed and appreciated. A place where you can be appreciated and loved for being yourself. Domination is not about meanness. It's about control. And before you think 'control freak', submission is about trusting someone you love so much that you can be yourself with them at all times and be absolutely certain they love and respect you for it. So one last time, please, at some point, consider what I've said as more than labels like 'dom' and 'sub'. Those are just words. It's our needs I've been talking about."

Palmer didn't speak until just before they got back to her place.

"How old are you and what is it you do for a living, Kane?" she suddenly asked without looking at him.

"I'm 26 and a third-year law student at the University of Washington," he told her.

"And how long have you...known who you are?"

"Maybe...two years now?" he replied. "Before that, I just went from hook up to hook up never able to understand why I felt so empty inside. I had more physical intimacy every month than a lot of guys say they have in a year, but I never once felt happy let alone satisfied."

"Couldn't you...you know, just...pay a girl to do what you tell her to do?" she asked thinking that's what this was all about.

"I'm going to text you a link to a website that explains this in greater depth. It's very important you understand exactly what dominance and submission mean—and don't mean. I can assure you it is not just about telling someone what to do and demanding they do it. It's quite possibly the deepest emotional bond two people can experience if those two people are compatible in terms of knowing who they are, what they need, and are willing to be honest with themselves about it."

He turned toward her and said, "I'm sure you're confused and perhaps even afraid. Please don't be. I've been completely honest with you...and about you. And if you do some soul searching, I'm believe you may come to see that I'm right."

As he pulled into her driveway she said, "I can't guarantee you I'll do what you ask. I'll consider it, but I won't make any promises. I can't help but feel this is too...deep and maybe even too dark for me so..."

"I understand," he told her supportively. "Thank you for letting me take you out and thank you for listening to me. You really are a beautiful and amazing woman, Palmer."

She glanced at him for the briefest of moments then looked away.

"Thank you for dinner, Kane" she said. "And I...I can see myself inside."

With that she opened her door and headed into the house where she completely forgot her sister was watching her children.

"Hey there! Sooo...?" Elaine said excitedly the moment she saw her sister.

"Um...wow. Where to even start?" Palmer said. "Let me change first and then we can talk, okay?"

"So he's some kind of slave master or something?" Elaine said after Palmer tried to recount her initially pleasant and then very uncomfortable evening.

"No! Well, maybe. I...I don't really know because I didn't actually understand most of what he was trying to tell me."

"What website did he send you?"

"Um...let me see," Palmer said as she checked her phone. "Oh. Okay. Here it is."

"Let's go check it out on the desktop where we can both see it."

"What? No! I'm not doing that," Palmer told her. "I'm writing tonight off as a bad first experiment in dating. Oh, and I'm not letting you set me up again. Ever."

"Gee. Overreact much?" Elaine said feeling the sting of her sister's rebuke.

"Sorry. I just felt so hopeful, you know? He wasn't just handsome, he was really nice. Or I thought he was right up until he started in on this kinky stuff."

"Well, I think maybe I should get ready to go," Elaine told her.

"Why? It's still early. Can't we sit and talk for a while?"

"You don't seem too interested in talking, and I don't feel like getting blamed for your first-date-gone-awry event."

"I'm not blaming you, Elaine. I...I'm just disappointed. It's silly but I really liked him in spite of the insanely large difference in our ages. And I thought he felt the same way about me."

"Maybe he does," her sister suggested.

"Not if he wants to boss me around. Uh-uh. No way. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime," Palmer said.

"Okay, I get that. But what if he was trying to convey some subtle-but-important difference and you missed it? Or what if you misunderstood what he means by the whole, I don't know...submission thing."

"You make it sound disgusting," Palmer said trying to let her sister feel whatever she was feeling.

"Oh, no! Not at all, honey. I'm just trying to help, Palmer. I only want you to be happy, and Lord knows you deserve to be happy. I was only trying to say that if you are misunderstanding what he's saying, you could miss out on a chance to be happy. You still don't have to marry him or anything, right? Maybe just, you know, test the waters a little. See if it's as sick and depraved as you think it is or if it might be something you could possibly even enjoy. In other words, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Or in this case—the hottie."

"Can we please talk about something else?" Palmer said desperate to have a normal conversation.

Elaine stayed another hour and did her best to chit chat then excused herself with a promise to drop by the next day again.

With the kids sound asleep, Palmer was wide awake. In fact she was not only awake she was wound up. She couldn't stop thinking about that evening's conversation and how it made her feel. The real trouble was that she still wasn't sure how it made it her feel.

Yes, it seemed creepy, and it seemed controlling. Then again, Kane seemed like such a polite, decent guy, and she was definitely incredibly good looking. Palmer was also willing to admit he was being honest when he told her he was very attracted to her. So what was bothering her so much about the things he'd said?

She grabbed her phone, looked at the website again then decided to take a look. Worst case it would help her put this whole thing out of her mind so she could move on.

Move on. That made her laugh. She was still married and had been one date and here she was talking about 'moving on.' If the entire situation called her life wasn't so sad, confusing, and even pathetic, she'd have laughed.

"Okay. Let's see what this whole 'submission' thing is all about, shall we?" she said out loud as she found the URL and hit 'enter'.

It was nearly 2am before Palmer stopped looking. She'd read and seen so much she was even more confused than she'd been when she started. Her mind was a swirl of thoughts and images and ideas. There was no way she could sort it all out at this time of night, so she pushed herself away from the computer and went to lay down.

Her alarm clock said 4:02am the last time she looked.

As she lay there unable to sleep, she couldn't help but ask herself why she'd created a profile on a site that revolved are domination and submission but she had. She told herself she'd done it purely out of curiosity. She'd come across it while doing her 'research' and the more she looked, the more fascinated she became.

This one had been for people like...Kane. She couldn't bring herself to say 'like her' although after carefully reading page after page of information she began wondering if perhaps she might not have more in common with him that she'd been willing to admit. And if she did, she also realized that while she had been a doormat with her husband, she would be no such thing with someone...like Kane. In fact, she would be loved and appreciated for being the kind of person she was—a people pleaser. But it seemed to go much deeper than that and her need to find out is what drove her to join the site.

Palmer was beginning to realize that being herself meant not only pleasing other people but especially the person she most loved. She'd initially thought perhaps she was secretly a dominate woman who'd been 'put down' too long to realize it and needed to escape and 'spread her wings'—or maybe her whip. What she ended up realizing was that she didn't need to do a '180' and start wearing leather and carry a crop or be the one giving orders as that was most definitely not who she was.

Besides, she'd also learned that, among many other things, Kane had been right about punishment. That belonged to the world of S&M and not dominance and submission. Yes, mild punishments like spanking or denial of certain things could be administered, but there was nothing 'deep or dark' about what Kane seemed to be explaining to her. Palmer knew she had no desire to be tied up or beaten or tortured or any of the other 'punishments' people in the world of S&M claimed to enjoy. And yet there was something very scintillating about...giving herself completely to a dominant man. Or more specifically—the right dominant man. She couldn't explain it, but she also couldn't stop thinking about it.

And that's where the dating site came in. She'd perused dozens of profiles after signing up, and one of them had not only caught her eye, it had captivated her attention. There wasn't even a photo of the man who created the profile—she would have to 'earn' the right to see that. It was what he wrote and the way it was written that had her almost spellbound.

She'd found herself physically turned on from the mental stimulation and only after realizing she was very wet did she click 'like' on his profile. She came very close to sending him an email but didn't. And yet here she was still wide awake unable to get him or his words off her mind. She had no idea why, but the man called himself 'Sir'.

"Mommy? I'm hungry," Palmer heard as though she was in a tunnel.

She opened an eye that was stuck shut with sleep, and saw her daughter standing in front of her holding her favorite teddy bear.

"Oh, hi, sweetie. Mommy was very tired. I'll get up and get you something, okay?"

"Okay," Ellie replied satisfied all was well.

Once her kids had something to eat, she found herself back in front of the desktop, bleary-eyed and sucking down a third cup of coffee and still just as excited as she had been several hours ago.

Her stomach did a flip when she noticed she had a reply from him. Her heart started racing and her hand was trembling as she clicked on it. When the email opened, she closed her eyes for a moment then opened the and began reading.

"Dear Confused in Seattle," it began.