Zinger

As I predicted to myself, we did not see each other over Spring break. Teddy went to Lake Havasu with friends from his fraternity. I stayed in Northfield, working to pay my room and board.

About a month before the end of our freshman year, Teddy told me he was going to spend the summer in New Orleans. I was not surprised. Our hometown was too small for him. I knew it could not hold him long. He was too big.

I spent that summer at home. It was the last time I did. After a year away, I realized our small town was too small to hold me, too. I was too smart. And, with Teddy away, there was not enough to bind me to it.

Teddy and I fell out of contact that summer (there was no such thing as Facebook, texts, Twitter, or Snapchat, there were only letters and landline telephones). He transferred to Rice, because it was more of a science school, and he had immersed himself in Chemistry.

He graduated from Rice and stayed in Houston. I graduated from Carleton and went to the University of Chicago for law school.

He did not show for our five year high school reunion. I went only because I thought he might be there. I left as soon as I realized he wouldn't.

I stayed in Chicago to practice law, raised money for a Senate campaign in 2004, and - in 2012 - was rewarded by the Senator - who was now President - with a federal judgeship. My professional life was awesome, but my personal life was neglected. I barely scratched the surface of those I dated as I lived my life.

As I lived my life, I heard variously from friends about Teddy (I had occasionally trolled for him through Google, LinkedIn, and Facebook, but little turned up). In one report, I heard he married when we were about 30. In another, I heard he had invented something or another, had sold the patent, and had retired with ongoing royalty money that was more than sufficient for him and his family. In the last report, I heard he, his wife, and his four sons (two sets of identical twins born four years apart) now lived on the southern coast of Spain. I also heard he was expected at our 30th reunion, as it coincided with a trip to visit his ailing parents. I had not planned to attend, but I changed my mind as soon as I heard he might.

* * * * *

I was nervous as hell the day of the reunion. We were having a garden party, so it was going to be hot. I could not figure out what to wear to see the lost love of my life for the first time in nearly 30 years. I had loved and lost more than once in those 3 decades, but I never felt the love I had felt for Teddy. First loves are like that, especially teenaged first loves. They expand in our memories. They do not recede.

Frustrated at my indecision, I picked out a pair of cream linen slacks, a white cotton shirt, and a green linen blazer. They were all new. I had spent the prior 90 days trying to rid myself of every vestige of being 48 years old. Once I decided to go to the reunion, I hired a personal trainer that I visited every other day, resumed running on my non-training days, ordered all meals through Evolve, and cut out all alcohol. By the day of the reunion, my stomach was flat, my chest and arms were defined, and my waist was narrow.

I arrived right on time. I said hello to the few people I recognized, and then I scanned the party for Teddy. Not seeing him, I waited in line at the bar for what I assumed would be a perfectly awful plastic glass of cheap red wine. As I waited, I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, dork."

I turned around to look into Teddy's incandescent blue eyes for the first time since Christmas, 1986. He smiled that same smile. Before I got lost in it, I smiled back. He pulled me into a deep embrace that betrayed 30 years of neglect. Neither of us could pull away. I melted into him, utterly and completely relaxed and lost. He dug his hands into my back and let out a long, forlorn sigh. I have no idea how long we stayed like that, but the embrace had to hint to our classmates that they did not know all there was to know about Teddy and me.

When we parted, he complimented me. "You look great, dork. Really really great." He stepped back and looked me up and down. His eyes were glistening with tears.

I looked at him through my own wet eyes and smiled. "You look bald, Teddy. Really really bald." I was not surprised. Chest hair on a teenager often leads to early onset baldness.

He laughed and added, "And fat."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, I certainly have some extra 'retired, married' weight on me that you don't."

"Well, I am neither retired nor married. And, to be perfectly honest, I have lived on the edge of starvation for the last 90 days because I thought I might run into you here. And, I wanted to look like you remembered."

He smiled deeply at me again. It was a knowing, intimate, but regretful smile.

"You look exactly like I remember."

"You look better."

"Insincerity does not suit you, dork."

We smiled and stared at each other too long. He broke the stare.

"Let's get a drink and go for a walk," he suggested.

We did. Neither of us spoke. When we were far enough away, he took my hand in his. He squeezed. I squeezed back. Love poured out in those squeezes.

"Are you with anyone?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I was waiting for you."

He looked at me quizzically. I smiled.

"I'm kidding. I dunno, I just have not found someone special enough to make me forget someone so special."

"That's too bad. You would make someone really happy. You made me really, really happy."

"Not happy enough."

"That's not fair. We were teenagers. We were miles away from each other. It was a different time. We never would have lasted."

"We could have tried."

"You're right. We could have."

"I wanted to."

He did not respond. He walked a little ahead of me and turned around.

"I wanted to, too. I just didn't know how. . . . Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we had?"

He smiled a rueful smile. His eyes were glistening again.

"I do, all the time," I said.

"Me, too," he admitted.

We walked on, silently. We had said all there was to say. We had said almost nothing at all.

Part Nine

Although Teddy and I exchanged contact information, I thought it was a mere formality. We had said all there was to say. Our paths, once entwined, had diverged dramatically, his toward what he expected of himself, and mine toward what I wanted for myself.

About a year after our 30th reunion, I heard that Teddy's wife, Melissa, had died of breast cancer. It was hopeless by the time they caught it. I thought of reaching out to Teddy, but I feared it would appear hollow. Or predatory. I still regret letting my fear get the best of me. Fear is almost always wrong.

About nine months after Melissa's death, I received a surprising email. "Have you ever been to Spain?"

I was not sure if I should respond. I was not sure how to respond. "No" seemed honest, but curt. "No, but I would like to," seemed honest but needy. "Why do you ask?" seemed opaque and disingenuous. So, I did not respond. I typed many responses, but I did not send any of them.

A few days later, I received another email, forwarding the prior one. "This email is intended for Kevin Michaels. If this is not the correct email address for Kevin, then please let me know. Thank you." I had to respond.

"This is the correct email address. I have tried to respond, but I was not sure how to/what to say. I am sorry."

Quickly, I received a reply. "It's a simple question. Have you ever been to Spain?"

Later that evening, I replied. "No, I have not ever been to Spain. And, I am sorry about Melissa. I wanted to reach out, but I was not sure how to/what to say. I am sorry."

I did not realize my email had almost mirrored my earlier one, but Teddy did not miss it. "When did you become so diffident? And, are you just cutting and pasting? Stop apologizing. There is nothing to apologize for. Melissa's death was sad, but we had a good marriage, the best part of which is our four boys. I miss her every day, but I need to let go of the past and move forward, before I am too old and it's too late."

I did not respond.

The next day, I received a follow up. "You should come to Spain."

"When?"

"As soon as possible."

"Why?"

"Because I said so, dork. Quit being opaque."

As a federal judge, my schedule booked up months in advance. The following Monday, I asked my Assistant when I could next take a two week break from the bench. She laughed.

"Your next two week block is in 2020, two years from now."

I emailed Teddy. "My schedule is a wreck. I do not have a two week block for 18 months or so."

I received a response almost immediately. He had cut and pasted it from an earlier email. "I need to let go of the past and move forward, before I am too old and it is too late."

Teddy's email vexed me. I was the past. The distant past, in fact. I decided to call him on it.

"I am the past, so I am not sure what this is all about."

I received a response almost immediately again. "You have never been the past. Whether you knew it or not, you were always with me."

I took control of my own calendar. I had a two week civil trial set in six weeks. It was almost certainly going to settle, as 98% of all civil cases do. And, this was a dud civil case, of interest to no one other than maybe the parties involved. It certainly no longer interested me. I exercised my Article III powers, ordered the case to mediation, and vacated the trial date until after any mediation.

With two weeks suddenly free, I booked a flight to Madrid and emailed Teddy. "I cleared two weeks in August. I land in Madrid at 3 p.m. on the 11th. I leave at 1 p.m. on the 25th. I have no plans in between."

Teddy's reply did not come for almost a day. "You will miss the boys, as they will be in the states the entire month of August with Melissa's family."

Teddy's email again vexed me. I had expected something a little more effusive. Or excited. I decided to let it sit, unanswered.

I heard nothing for weeks. The silence made me wonder if I had not jumped the gun in making reservations. Then, about a week before I was supposed to board a plane that I thought may actually travel back in time, I received the following:

"Hey, dork. I am excited to see you. We have two weeks to ourselves. I hope we can turn back the clock. If not, then I hope we have a future of friendship and warm memories. Still lots of love, Teddy."

My vexation was resolved. I was traveling toward a second chance, 32 years after the first chance expectedly failed. I was both giddy and terrified.

Teddy met my flight. He greeted me briefly and warmly.

"Welcome to Spain, dork."

"Glad to be here."

"You need anything? We have a long drive ahead of us."

Teddy's house was on the outskirts of Malaga, more than 5 hours away by car. We grabbed waters and my bags and drove off. Teddy filled the hours by telling me about his four boys, now motherless at 16 and 12 (he had two sets of identical twins, the first set 2 years after marrying Melissa and the second set 4 years later). And, about the death of Melissa, which had obviously been devastating to their family. Melissa had been the tie that bound, and the Azinger boys had foundered in her absence.

As we drove, I noticed that Teddy was much leaner and much more muscled than he had been at the 30th reunion. Grief had apparently suppressed his appetite, and the gym had been an apparent outlet for the same grief.

"I am very sorry about Melissa."

"Me, too. But, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved, right? At least that is what a dorky kid told me a long time ago when things were coming undone."

I looked at Teddy. He was smiling at me. Sooner than I expected to be, I was again lost in him. He had remembered our last phone call, when it had all come undone.

A train, two planes, and an automobile behind me, I was beat when we got to his modest, beautiful house. In fact, I had slept the last hour or so of the drive.

I knew little Spanish, but I knew the sign out front meant the house was for sale.

"You moving?"

"Yes, too many old memories in this house. And, not enough room for new ones." I did not ask to where, but I should have.

Once we unloaded the car, Teddy showed me to my room, and left me to shower and join him for what I thought was a late dinner but which, for Spain, was not late at all. I never made it to dinner. After my shower, I laid down on the bed to rest my eyes. I woke up 12 hours later, my clothes removed (except my boxers), my bags unpacked, and the covers pulled to my chin. I had slept through our first night together, including apparently through being stripped and tucked in.

When I wandered into the kitchen, Teddy was busy making breakfast. He was wearing only gym shorts. He was still bald. His chest hair was clippered, as were his pits, his arm hair, his leg hair, and his path to paradise. His muscles were long and sinewy, and the manscaping only enhanced the definition. He cut quite an image. When he looked at me with his blue eyes and smiled, the image took my breath away.

"Good morning, dork. I was afraid you would sleep the trip away."

"Good morning. Thank you for taking care of me last night."

"I want to take care of you every night."

I paused. I was not sure where he was coming from, but this seemed like too much too fast for me. So, I balked.

"Teddy, what is this?"

"Look, dork, I let you go once. I do not want to do it again. I have thought of you and us every day since the reunion, always wondering what might have been. I think we have a second chance to find out. We missed the first chance. I do not want to miss this one."

"Are you sure you're not just lonely or still dealing with the grief of Melissa?"

"I have been lonely my whole life. Melissa was a great wife, but I have been lonely for you since there was no more you. I wondered for a long time why I did not reconnect with you, and the reunion made me realize why. I would not have been able to bear it, whether it was the thought of what we missed, or the thought of you finding what we lost with someone else. So, I stayed away. After the reunion, I was terribly sad. Palpably so. Melissa knew something was wrong, and she would not let it go. She goaded me into telling her what. So, I told her about you. Everything. We were trying to figure out our future, if we had one, when she got diagnosed. Then, there was nothing to figure out, so we put everything on hold. I have been on hold for two years. I do not want to be on hold any more."

I sat silent and still and tried to take it all in. Teddy walked over to me, took my hand in his, and said "You can't be surprised. You dropped everything and flew all the way to Spain to find out, didn't you?"

With that, he leaned down and kissed me. As we kissed, I hurtled back in time. As our tongues touched, I was 18, it was the summer of 1986 again, we did not have a care in the world, and our future was full of nothing but promise. As I rose to meet the kiss, Teddy clamped his arms around me. I clamped my arms around him. Our bodies were pressed hard against each other. His hands went to my head, pressing me to him and trying to deepen the kiss. My hands went to his back, and I pressed his chest into mine as hard as I could. I do not know how long that kiss lasted, but 32 years disappeared into it.

When we finally broke the kiss, Teddy turned off the burners and abandoned the breakfast. I followed him to his room. We kissed again, just as long and as intently as before. These were forgiving kisses, forgetting kisses, promising kisses.

Teddy tugged my shirt over my head and then pressed his bare chest to mine. My skin tingled with familiarity and newness. I hooked my arms under his and buried my face in his chest. He pulled me as tight as he could. I breathed him in.

I could feel Teddy's hard dick against my stomach. I easily lowered his gym shorts.

"Take yours off, too."

I did.

"I have not had sex since I told Melissa about us. And, I have not had sex with another man since you."

I was unsure of the need to share that information, and I could not say the same. I had had a lot of sex recently, and all my sex since him was with other men.

"Good to know, I guess."

"I mean, I doubt I will last long." He was right, as he came almost as soon as I grabbed his dick, before we even got into bed.

"I'm sorry. So, so sorry."

"Don't worry about it. We have a lot of time together."

I pulled him down on top of me on the bed, and he kissed me again. This was our third kiss of the morning, and I am certain that - with the other two - it was one of the top three kisses of all time. They felt like traveling at the speed of light. They felt like not moving at all.

Teddy finally pulled his lips from mine and started kissing my face. He kissed my neck and my chest. He kissed my arms and my armpits. He kissed my stomach and my abdomen. He kissed my pelvis and where my legs meet my groin. He kissed and licked my balls. He took me in his mouth. I came just as fast as he had, filling his mouth before he could even start working me. He pulled off and spit.

"Sorry about that," I said, offering the second sex apology of the morning.

"I have not done this for a long time. I did not mean to spit. I was just caught off guard."

I pulled him back to me, and he flopped down on his left side next to me. I turned to him, and he pressed his lips gently to mine. I put my hand in the middle of his chest and felt his heart beat. He put his hand to my cheek.

"I have missed you so much, dork," he offered. "I need you to know that I thought about you all the time. You were always with me."

"I never stopped loving you," I responded. "You were always with me."

We kissed again. As we did, I started to cry, and so did he. Teddy licked my tears off my cheeks and then kissed them into my mouth. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like forever. We said everything we had to say without saying anything at all. Our story had re-started. What was lost was found.

The next two weeks sped by. We took languid walks and had furtive sex. We sat quietly and fucked loudly. My last night in Spain, we made excruciating love. We were on the living room floor. I was on my back, my legs and arms wrapped around him. Teddy's arms were hooked under mine and wrapped around my shoulders. Everything about us was needy. I was at his mercy. The vulnerability was intoxicating and liberating and frightening and consuming.

Teddy slowly delivered himself to me, never letting his lips leave my lips or his chest leave my chest. For the first time during the visit, he was not fucking me. He was making love to me.

I was wide open to him. He could not go too slow or too deep. I rose to meet him, keeping my lips to his lips and my chest to his chest.

"I love you so much, Kevin."

"I love you, too, Teddy."

The deliberate pace of our lovemaking did not mask the passion that was driving it. I was disappearing into Teddy, and he was disappearing into me.

Teddy continued his deliberate pace. Every time he got close, he backed off. Each time the delay was more difficult to bear. I was needy for him to fill me.

"I need you to fuck me."

"I am fucking you."

"No, I need to you fuck me."

Teddy smiled at me and picked up his pace. As he did, I continued to meet him, and we both started to sweat. Our kisses turned sloppy and urgent. I sucked Teddy's tongue as he pounded into me. I could not get him in deep enough, even using my hands and feet as leverage.

"Arch your back."

When he did, he penetrated me as deeply as he could. I arched my neck and back as I came. Teddy's orgasm followed a short time later, filling me. Before I knew it, I was coming again, and I spilled another load between us. Teddy kept fucking me. Just when I thought I could not take another stroke, he came again, crying out as he did.