Zinger

After he had filled me for the second time, Teddy collapsed onto me, mixing our sweat with my cum. I grabbed his face, and he grabbed mine. I looked deeply into his eyes, and I knew him as I had that summer 32 years before.

"I don't want you to leave."

"I have to. My job is in Chicago waiting for me."

"Then I am coming with you."

"Seriously?"

"Why do you think I put the house on the market? And, why do you think I already moved my boys to the states?"

"That seems presumptuous. How did you know this would work?"

"We're us. We always have been. And, I saw it in your eyes at the reunion. And, I felt it in your touch when I held your hand."

He was right. Our life affair had re-started at the reunion. I just had not known it.

I flew home the next day full of love and hope. Past is prologue. Our future was ours.

Teddy was to follow six weeks later, picking up his boys on the way. In the meantime, I sold my Gold Coast condominium (it was barely large enough for me, much less me and five more men) and bought a four bedroom bungalow in Evanston. I had been pretty much alone for 32 years. I soon no longer would be. My solitary life was yielding to the past, and my past was my future.

Part Ten

The six weeks after my return from Spain were a whirlwind, and I got vertiginous in it. Normally hyper-rational and deliberate, I had thoughtlessly made monumental life decisions on the fly and based on nothing other than craven emotion. My friends had tried to reign me in, to slow me down, to talk even a scintilla of sense into me, but I was not to be deterred. I was like a bull that had seen red. I charged.

The day before Teddy and his boys were to arrive, the whirlwind stopped spinning, I got my bearings back, and I freaked out. I was gripped by fear bordering on panic. Based on a two week vacation, I had agreed for all intents and purposes to marry an ostensibly straight man and help him raise his four teen-aged boys, who likely were still reeling emotionally from the tragic death of their mother and who almost certainly were going to be rocked, if not wrecked, by the idea of their father loving and fucking another man. Yes, there was some history behind those two weeks, but that history was ancient. Teddy did not really know me anymore, I did not really know him anymore, and I certainly did not know Matthew and Mark (the 16 year old set of twins) or Kurt and Kyle (the 12 year old set). I also knew nothing about parenting, much less about parenting teenaged boys. My own parents had been tragic parenting failures. My only experience as a caregiver had been with a rescue cat, and I had abandoned him to my best friend, Thom. All three of us were happier with Elmer in Thom's care. I'd have killed him.

I was in Evanston alone, so my support structure was not even proximate. They were all down in the city I had hastily abandoned on a lark.

Frozen to inaction, I called Thom. He answered after the first ring. He knew me better than I knew myself.

"Scared shitless aren't you?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Because, tomorrow, the dream becomes reality, and shit gets real."

"How could I have been so naive? I don't know him, he doesn't know me, and I don't know his kids at all. I have never even met them, and they are moving in here tomorrow. I don't even know if they know why they are moving to the Chicago suburbs."

"Honey, you got caught up in the fairy tale. We all want to live happily ever after. But, you know what my mother used to say, 'want in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first.'"

"Your mother had a wonderful way with words."

"You know it."

"Tell me it will be okay."

"It will be okay."

"Tell me again, and, this time, mean it."

"You know I can't do that. You are too smart for that. It very well may not be okay. But, I can tell you that I hope it is. I hope your dreams come true. I hope it's the fucking gay Brady Bunch for you and this guy I have never met. But, if it isn't, I'll be here to help you piece your shattered life back together."

"Is it going to be awful?"

"I don't know if it will be awful. But, it will be hard. Really, really hard. Like harder than anything you have ever done. But, I admire you for trying to do it."

"Thanks."

"Just keep a level head and keep getting back up again. You know, it's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up."

"From your mother?"

"Nope. I am not sure where I got that. Probably off one of those horrible inspirational posters with kittens or dogs preaching 'faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto'."

"Thanks, Thom."

"You betcha, Kevo. Good luck tomorrow. And, call every time you need to."

"I will."

I should have hung up, but I could not. We just listened to each other breathe. We did this a lot. It was comforting. It was like holding each other in the modern, wireless world. I don't know how long we sat like that, but Thom broke the trance at just the right time, just as I was starting to freak again.

"Listen, dude, you are the smartest and the strongest guy I know. If anyone can do this, you can. Remember to hold on tight, but not so tight you choke off the oxygen."

"I love you, Thom."

"I love you, too, brother. Now, go take a Xanax."

We hung up. I felt reinforced, but still very fragile. As urged, I took a Xanax. And drank a bottle of wine on my screened porch.

When I woke up, it was morning. Teddy and his boys were driving in and due to arrive that evening. I frantically put the finishing touches on the three bedrooms that were not mine, one for Matthew and Mark, one for Kurt and Kyle, and one for Teddy, as I was not sure what he had told his boys or what the arrangements would or should be as they got settled. The house had two masters, and I set each of them up for the twin sets. If they were going to have to share rooms, they at least needed to be spacious with their own bathrooms.

By the time they pulled up outside, I was a bundle of jangled, exposed nerves. I had also dropped another Xanax and was well into a bottle of wine.

As they trudged up the walk, they looked beat or beaten. I could not decoct which.

I opened the door before they rang or knocked. No one spoke, other than Teddy, who unaffectionately said "hello." We stood awkwardly and silently in the foyer, like boxers trying to get the feel of the fight. Finally, Teddy asked me to show them to their rooms. I did. Matthew and Mark immediately went into theirs and closed the door behind them. Kurt and Kyle did the same. Then, Teddy did as well. I was alone on the landing in a house full of strange men. I felt like an innkeeper. Or a butler. I went downstairs and finished off the bottle of red and made dinner. When no one came downstairs, I went up and knocked on Teddy's door. When he opened, his expression of defeat floored me. I grabbed him and held him. He sank into me.

"That bad?" I knew from our calls that Teddy planned to spend the drive from D.C. to Chicago talking his boys through the changes that were coming.

"Worse."

"I made dinner."

"I doubt there will be any dinner tonight, at least for the boys."

"How bad was it?"

"It was to be expected, I guess. I got so caught up in you, I forgot about them. I'm their father. I cannot forget about them, and I feel like shit for having done so. And, I was utterly and completely naive to think they would just accept all this upheaval on the heels of their mother's death. They did not, and they called me out on it. I think I got ahead of myself on this one. I certainly got ahead of them."

"I know what you mean. I had a massive panic attack yesterday and another one today. We don't know each other. Not really. And, I don't know your boys at all. And, they certainly do not know me. Yet, here we all are, 6 strangers thrown together in a strange house."

"We do know each other. At least how it matters. But, we are going to have to quell that for awhile. I got interrogated on the drive. 'So, you're gay now? Were you always gay? Was your marriage to mom just a big lie? Did mom know? Who is this guy? Did he trick you? Is he supposed to take our mom's place? How could you move on so fast?' It was awful."

"We need to give them time. We need to give us time."

Teddy took my hand. "I'm not worried about us. I'm really not. We'll bump around a bit, hit a few snags, figure out how to fit together, but we'll be fine." He paused. "Actually, we'll be better than fine. We were meant to be, and we'll be great. But, I'm not so sure about the boys."

Teddy followed me downstairs. We ate together and talked. It may have been the Xanax and the wine, but it felt comfortable, familiar, old. Like it was like it was supposed to be. When we finished, we took plates up to the boys and sat them outside their bedroom doors. I went into my bedroom while Teddy knocked and tried to persuade them through their doors to eat.

When Teddy went into his room, I was sitting on his bed.

"How did you get in here?"

"Through the bathroom. It's a jack and jill. It connects our rooms. The boys have the masters. I claimed these two rooms for the access. I thought it would be easier on them if you did not just move into my room."

Teddy smiled at me. Unless his boys were dumb, they'd soon figure out why they got the master suites. In the meantime, Teddy used the access to join me that night after he had tried and failed to talk to his boys out of their rooms. We tried to be quiet, but we were not. We tried to resolve all of our doubts with the sureness and certainty of our love-making. We kissed each other and we sucked each other and we fucked each other until we were exhausted. We fell asleep naked and wrapped up in each other, the doors to our rooms locked so we would not be discovered. As I fell asleep, I knew Teddy was right. He and I would be great. It was the boys we had to fret over.

Teddy's boys were not dumb. I did not expect them to be, but they resolved even the hint of a doubt the following morning (a Sunday) at breakfast. They grilled me and their father. A former lawyer, I held my own. But, only barely. Their father got ransacked. In the end, the boys made clear they were not happy about Teddy and me, they were not happy about what "we" were doing, they were not happy about Teddy "moving on" from their mother, and they were not happy to be in Evanston and had no plans to stay, if they could help it. They had already talked to their grandparents about staying with them in D.C., and they were urging that solution on us. The confrontation had been seething. They were going to be tough nuts to crack, and I had no analogous experience from which to draw.

I noted as they confronted us how disparate the boys were. Matthew was older than Mark by 2 minutes or so, but it could easily have been two years. He bore all the traits of the oldest child. He was the alpha, and he spoke for the group. He was confident and certain and enraged, although he never raised his voice. He hissed beneath his father's blue eyes (he and Mark looked almost exactly like their father had when I had met him oh so long ago).

Mark was similar to Matthew only in appearance. In personality, he was far more reserved and taciturn. It was clear he deferred to Matthew. He had said very little that morning, expressing himself mostly through his glare and occasional grimaces.

Kurt and Kyle looked and acted almost the same. In appearance, they favored their mother, which was too bad for them. They were okay looking, but their older brothers were striking. In action, they were ebullient. They smiled broadly and easily, almost constantly. They were going to be easier, at least I thought they were. But, they were diffident, and they deferred to Matthew.

Teddy was a good father, I could tell. Although he got ransacked by his boys, he did not get angry or reactive. He listened more than he spoke. He never got defensive. I took my cue from him, although I said very little except in response to direct questions.

After the confrontation, the boys retreated to their rooms, and Teddy and I went out onto the screened porch. Teddy went first.

"We need to formulate a plan and answer their questions."

"I agree," I said, as I started taking notes. I am a visual person and a chronic note-taker.

Teddy and I talked all day. By dinner, we had five talking points to share with the boys. Teddy laid them out over dinner, which he had made mandatory.

"I listened to the four of you this morning. I did. I really listened. Now, I want you to listen to me. To really listen. First, I know this is tough on you. I really do. I understand your reaction, and I appreciate it. I need you to understand that I understand.

"Second, you will respect me and you will respect Kevin. I am your parent, and I will be making the parenting decisions. But, Kevin will have input, and you will treat him at all times with respect. You do not have to love him, although I think you will, or even like him, which I am sure you will. But, you do have to respect him.

"Third, it is time for the pouting and the insolence to end. It is not going to have the hoped for effect. We are not going back to Spain. We are not going somewhere else. You are not going to D.C. You are staying here, with me. You can choose to like it, or you can choose to hate it. It's your choice. I hope you choose to like it, as it will make all of our lives better. But, whether you choose to like it or hate it, it is time for you stop acting like the brats you are not.

"Fourth, you will have input into all aspects of living in this house. But, the final decisions will be mine and Kevin's. We will talk them through with you before they are made. But, once they are made, they are made, and you need to accept them.

"Finally, I love you unconditionally. I always have and I always will. I would like the same in return, and I have not been getting that recently from any of you."

Teddy's eyes glistened as he finished. "After dinner, I want all four of you to go to your rooms, to sit down, and to think long and hard about how lucky you are. You have a great father. You had a great mother, which is a lot more than a lot of kids can say. You have great brothers. You have money, you have stuff, you live needless lives. And, the new life that you are so pissed off about is in a great home in a great suburb of a great city in a great country. Yes, I am asking you to make adjustments. But, that's life. We always have to adjust. But, through it all, we are and always will be us. The rest is just window dressing."

All four boys were crying by the time Teddy finished. So was I. We ate in silence. When dinner was over, the boys all did as they had been told. Teddy told me to go to bed, he would clean the kitchen. He wanted to be alone to think.

I was asleep by the time Teddy slid in next to me.

"I think that went well. I think you got through to them."

"We'll see."

"You seem circumspect."

"They're teenaged boys. They think they know everything. And, they think I don't know anything. So, we'll see."

I rolled into him. As we had the night before, we kissed and sucked and fucked until we were spent. It was lazy, as there was for the first time in our lives together no clock ticking. After, I lay with my head on his shoulder and my hand in his chest hair.

"What did you tell them when they asked if you were gay?"

"The truth."

"What's that?"

"That I fell in love with you when I was in high school, that we drifted apart when we were in college, that I dated a lot of girls through my 20s, that I never thought I was the marrying kind until I met their mother, that I loved her very much through every minute of our marriage and never betrayed her, that her death almost killed me, and that I reconnected with you after she died and found hope where I thought there was none. And, that I did not know what that made me, and I saw no need to try to label it."

I stewed on his answer for a bit. "What did they say?"

"Matthew scoffed 'That's total bullshit. You're at least bi, if not a total fag.'"

I started to laugh. Teddy laughed, too.

When I stopped laughing, I laid bare the elephant in the room.

"They're going to be tougher than I thought."

"Yep."

Part Eleven

Teddy was right. They were a lot tougher than I thought. At least Matthew and Mark were. Their tears of that Sunday dinner notwithstanding, Matthew treated me with barely respectful contempt thereafter. Mark took his lead from his twin.

They treated their father slightly better. But only slightly. I feared they were headed toward rupture.

Kurt and Kyle were stuck in the middle. They wanted and needed their father, but they also wanted and needed their older brothers, and they did not want to move toward one and alienate the other. They were not adroit enough to straddle the two camps.

We had kept the boys out of school for the Fall semester, thinking it would help them adjust to their new lives not to start at a new school mid-semester. That was probably a mistake, as it meant the five of them were circling each other all day. Their January return to school could not come soon enough.

With their input, we had settled on a private Evanston school for their return. We all thought it would be easier for them to transition into a smaller, private school than into a large, public one. We also thought the small, private school would be more understanding of their alternative, but not unique, living situation. It was going to be expensive (about $15,000 per year per child), but Teddy did not seem concerned about the price.

As the holidays approached, the house was a tinder box. Matthew and so Mark, too, were sullen and surly. Kyle and Kurt were pensive and diffident. Teddy was helpless, having exhausted all options he and our counselor could think of to bring Matthew and Mark around. And, I lurked in the shadows of my own home, especially where the boys were concerned. I felt like I was walking on melting ice. At least I had my chambers and the gym to retreat to.

The only place in the entire house that was loose and free was the bed Teddy and I shared nightly. We were like teenagers again, kissing and sucking and fucking with reckless abandon. Teddy had decided that, since Matthew and Mark (we called them "M&M" or, when we wanted to piss them off, the "candy boys") seemed entrenched in their disdain, there was no reason to shelter them from what was going on in the house. So, Teddy stopped pretending to have his own room, and moved into mine. And, he stopped trying to shield them from what happened in our room. We kept our door closed, but we no longer came quietly or tried to stifle our pleasure.

Outside of M&M, Teddy and I were slowly, surely fitting together. As unlikely as it seemed after 32 years, we still fit hand in glove. He slipped into my life like one would slip into a comfortable, familiar sweater. My friends liked Teddy very much, at times, it seemed, more than they liked me. And, Teddy seemed settled in his new life, however he labeled or did not label it.

But, something had to give in the house. The atmosphere was just not healthy, especially for Kurt and Kyle. They were being pulled thin, like carnival taffy. We had to act before they broke.

The solution came from Matthew over a mid-December dinner.

"Dad, Mark and I have been talking, and we don't want to go to the school you picked."

"We picked," Teddy corrected, kindly.

"Whatever. You picked. We picked. He picked. We all picked. It doesn't matter. We don't want to go there."

"Well, the public school is certainly good and less expensive, but you are likely to face more problems there."

"We do not want to go there, either."

Teddy stopped eating and focused on Matthew.

"We want to go away. To a boarding school. We don't want to live with you and him."