A Road Trip Fantasy

"You're hungry?" I had a weight in the pit of my stomach that did not seem to want any company at the moment.

"I worked up a bit of an appetite last night, I guess." Jennifer's smile was a little less sad. "Plus we have a long day ahead of us." She turned and headed into the office.

Jennifer caught up with me just before the waitress was ready to seat us. The diner must have been pretty good because it was crowded at eight-thirty with a mix of motel guests and travelers but also what looked like locals. Everyone was bundled up against the twenty-degree morning weather except for Jen and I in our rather thin California sweatshirts. "Guess we'll have to break out the thick jackets," I offered, but that only got a brief grunt.

Good Morning America was barely audible above the conversations, clanking of plates and glasses, the bustle of bodies coming and going in the aisles, and the banging of the front doors as customers came and went. The noise around us made the silence between us less fraught. It took up some of that space.

Jen ordered a coffee and eggs and pancakes. Caffeine always made me feel jittery, and I had a hot chocolate and an omelet that I mostly just chased around my plate with a fork. She let me pay for breakfast, and then in the cold, we hurried back across the diner parking lot to the motel and her car.

I still had the fob and beeped the doors open as we got close. We both started for the driver's door. "Ugh." Jen tossed up her hands. "It's too cold to argue about it. You drive."

As I started the car, Jennifer was shivering and rubbing her arms to stay warm. Despite the cold, her car started easily. She turned on her phone's GPS and put it in its holder for the drive. Slowly the car warmed up as we found our way back to the highway and headed east toward the Rockies and Wyoming.

About an hour later with the car warmed, we both had taken off our sweatshirts, but had spoken only a few words to each other. The radio was tuned to a station playing "Today's greatest hits" but the particular hit playing at the moment was from the late 80's or early 90's at best. Jen was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest watching the miles tick by outside. She turned to me for the first time in nearly twenty minutes with a new earnestness in her eyes. "Tell me about your ex-wife."

I shrugged. "What do you want to know?"

"What's her name? What's she like? How did you meet? What happened to you two?"

I nodded. "Okay. Everything." I sighed. "Catherine. Catherine or Cathy, but never Cat by the way. Black hair, dark brown eyes, about your height. We met in medical school at Irvine. Not very exciting I suppose. You all take the same classes at the same time together in these big lecture halls. We orbited in the same circles, similar friends, and we got along. We hung out a lot, studying and things. Depending on who you ask, one of us asked the other out to a dance near the end of our first year, our first real date, and we were officially a couple after that." I glanced over at Jen, but she just sat listening waiting for me to continue.

I did not know what it was she wanted to hear nor how much I really wanted to tell her right now. How can you make sense of all the messiness of falling out of love, the competing goals, the crisscrossing beliefs and hopes, the slow dissolution into re-written histories, what-might-have-beens if-only-for-this-es?

"We were each other's first lovers," I continued. "That was something that was important to her." I paused. "To both of us really, I suppose. We'd done sexual things, touching, oral, but we didn't have intercourse until we'd been together for probably a year or more. After that, it was tough not to feel I had to marry her. Don't get me, wrong I loved her. She was tough, but she also had this vulnerability too. I couldn't abandon her. We got engaged soon afterward and married at the end of our fourth year. We matched together and ended up in San Diego for residency. She did surgery."

I was now avoiding Jen's eyes, watching the road ahead and glancing out my side window and into the mirrors, anywhere but the passenger seat. The closest car was miles away. "She was detail oriented and kept to-do lists. I'm a little more go with the flow like you said once. When we were dating, she had all these little insecurities and jealousies, and I thought that just showed how much she loved me. I thought that if I loved her enough, I could save her from all those fears like some knight in shining armor on a white horse." I snorted in disdain for my naive former self.

"Well, maybe I didn't love her enough, or maybe it doesn't work out that way. Whatever flaws, annoyances, quirks that you have before marriage, they don't just go away. They stick around and even magnify, I think. At least that's what it felt like."

I shook my head. "God. That makes it sound like it was all her fault, and it wasn't. It takes two people to really mess up a relationship. I was too insular, locked into my own work, my own problems. I couldn't be flexible enough. I wasn't present often enough. Pediatric residency is hard, but surgery is just brutal. I could have been more supportive, but I wasn't."

I took another deep sigh and then a drink from my water bottle. "I finished two years before her, and got a job with our group, but in a different office. By the time she finished, we were drifting apart. Despite that, we both wanted kids, and so we started trying. She got pregnant maybe six months later." This part was hard to express. I hadn't shared this with many people. Scuttlebutt gets around the group, but maybe not so much to the new staff, and I was sure none of my current staff knew much about my marriage at all.

"She had a miscarriage around three months, just as she was starting to show. She blamed herself for working too hard. We just fell apart after that. We stopped having sex. We told each other we still wanted kids, but we couldn't admit we were both to afraid of another miscarriage or that the two of us having kids was not a good idea anymore or maybe ever. Inertia carried us on for another six months or so before we agreed it was time to call it quits. We separated, and it took nine months to finalize the divorce. We were amicable enough, I suppose. We just didn't care enough to fight anymore. She moved back to Orange County where her parents live, and I just stayed because I didn't know what else to do."

Now I looked at Jen. Tears were trying to sneak out of the corner of my eyes. "Four months later, you showed up." I swallowed. "I'm glad I stayed."

Jen blinked away the moisture in her own eyes and looked out the front window. "Do you still see her?"

Now there was a loaded question. A woman whom I had loved, who had been an integral part of my life for ten years give or take, was she still a part of my life, a potential rival, or had I disposed of all of that without a second thought? If I could do that how easy would it be to dispose of Jennifer, just a lowly medical assistant soon to be living thousands of miles away? Which of those two scenarios would upset Jennifer the most. I sighed.

"Not really. She lives two hours away without traffic. Not very convenient for late night booty calls." I tried to smile at Jen, and I thought a saw a ghost of a smile in those far away eyes. Were they closer now? Maybe. "I said it was amicable, but we were pretty broken by the end. Neither of us has any interest in trying to glue the pieces back together. But we were married for seven years and together for about a decade, so yeah, I still hear from her from time to time. Maybe five or six times since the divorce, usually because she knows someone who needs pediatric advice. I'm her go to consultant for kids now."

This time Jen did smile at me just a little. "Good choice."

I mock rolled my eyes at her. "Now you're just buttering me up."

She shrugged back and the smile was stronger. "Everyone thinks you and Dr Reed are the best in the office."

"Anyway," I continued. "We exchange generic Christmas and birthday cards. The last time we talked, I got the impression she was seeing someone new but didn't want to tell me yet. I'm happy for her if she is."

"So that was what, a year and a half ago? Has there been anyone else since her?"

"Just a cute blond number I work with. You might know her."

Jen batted at me playfully, but her smile was beaming. "There better not be any more hot blonds you're seeing at the office."

"Cute," I objected. "I'm pretty sure I said cute."

Jen glared at me. "Hot. You better remember that."

I laughed. "You're right. She's hot, especially when she's angry."

"Seriously though, you haven't met anyone since..."

"The divorce?" I finished for her. "Not really. People are always trying to set you up when you're newly divorced. Mostly it'd be a group thing. You know, 'Let's get together for lunch. By the way I've got this friend who will be there. You might like her,' sort of thing. None of them played out. At first I just wasn't interested in meeting anyone, and later on, I kind of had met someone, and so still wasn't really interested."

"No one night stands? No Tinder dates?"

"Definitely not."

"You are a very dedicated man."

"I've been called worse, I suppose."

We drove along, quiet for a few minutes, but it was now a comfortable, companionable silence. The morning's tension seemed to have drained away. The Jennifer I had known was back, and I hoped she understood me better.

"I guess it's my turn in the confessional," Jennifer said at last. "My boyfriend and I broke up about nine or ten months ago. We met through a friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing. We were dating for a year and a half or so. I'd had some other long term boyfriends, but I thought things were really serious with him like he might be the one." She made air quotes at those last words. "Turns out he had been back together with his ex for about the last six months we were going out." She laughed a little. "I dumped him, and he acted like I was crazy for being so upset about it. I went to get tested for any STD they could later that day. All negative by the way," she assured me.

"No permanent damage except to my pride." Jennifer looked at me with a smile and a sigh again. "Anyway, I still have an IUD that I never got removed." That wicked glint from last night was in her eyes again. "So as long as you're as clean as you sound, we don't have to use condoms tonight."

I nodded, a bit taken aback by the shifting conversation. "Okay. Sounds good." We were silent briefly and then laughed in unison. She put her hand on my arm. I reached over and put a hand on her leg. "So that was our first fight, huh?"

She nodded too. "Yes, it was."

"I'm sorry," I said, and I meant it. "My timing wasn't great. I never meant to confuse you or mess with you. I really like you, and I want to be with you."

Jennifer looked straight into my eyes with that steady earnestness again. "I know you're not playing with me. I wish you had said something sooner, but in the end, I'm really glad you did. Better late than never."

"So we're good now, right?" I asked just to be sure.

"Darn tootin', pardner," she drawled back to me.

I blinked in surprise. "What was that?"

"Cowboys," she explained to my still blank expression. "We just entered Wyoming."

*****

We pulled over in Evanston, Wyoming not too far from the boarder, and Jennifer took over the driving duties. Today, we shared a new intimacy. We touched more often, held hands, rested hands on the other's leg. While in the passenger seat, Jen leaned on the middle console to be nearer to me. We exchanged frequent quick kisses. She ran her fingers along my chin and over my lip and said, "You know, I find that little bit of stubble very sexy."

I waggled my eyebrows at her. "Looks like I'm going to misplace my shaver for the rest of the trip."

The only station on the radio seemed to be "Sappy Love Songs," which was fine with us. Every song became a duet between us, perhaps slightly off key but definitely sung with affection and plenty of giggles and laughs.

At the next larger city we drove through, it was just after noon. Jen pulled off of 80 East into one of those large shopping areas with a Home Depot, a department store I did not recognize and a Smith's grocery store and pharmacy. She stopped close to the Smiths. "Why don't I go in and get some things and you go fill up the car?" she suggested.

"If you want, but we could go together."

"No, it will be faster this way. We want to keep making good time."

There seemed to be something else lurking beneath her words, but I let it go. If she needed some private time, maybe to call a friend, that was okay with me. Last night and this morning had been the proverbial rollercoaster of emotions. Rather than get upset with me, maybe she needed some space.

Jen popped out of the car and headed inside while I hopped in the driver's seat and negotiated my way out of the parking lot and across the way to the closest gas station. I took my time there and even stopped to use the restroom before I texted her: All gassed up. Are you ready?

Almost, came her reply a minute later. Getting in line now. Wait out front for me.

So the mystery continued. I drove back over to the Smith's and found a place to pull through two spaces to accommodate the trailer. I texted: Ready when you are. I'm parked out straight out from the front doors.

See you soon, came her reply.

Soon turned out to be fifteen minutes later. "Sorry," Jen apologized when she climbed in the passenger door a little breathless in the cold air. "I had to go back to grab some snacks."

"What did you get us?" I started up the car and began maneuvering back out to the highway without clipping any other cars with the trailer.

Jen plugged her phone back in for our map. "I got one roast beef and one turkey sandwich. You can have either, or we can split. I know you like Coke and I got a Sprite for me. I grabbed some pears too. For snacks, I got some trail mix and beef jerky. And something for later."

"Ooh, that sounds intriguing," I said. When she said nothing else, I asked, "Whipped cream and chocolate sauce?

Jen gave me a questioning look.

"You know, to lick off each other later tonight." When that did not get a positive response, I tried, "Or maybe some handcuffs?"

Jennifer looked very somber. "You have some seriously strange sexual fantasies."

I laughed. "Just a suggestion. Sorry."

"I didn't say I didn't like the idea, just a little strange. I'll keep it mind at our next stop." Jen turned back to sorting through the lunches now.

"So still playing coy?"

Jen leaned over to kiss me and whispered. "It's a surprise. If you're good."

"Oh, you are killing me."

We continued east on highway 80 through the beautiful landscape of Wyoming: the blue sky vast above of us with only a smattering of fluffy white clouds and the majestic mountains themselves towering over our weaving route.

At some point, we outpaced Sappy Love Song Radio. "So what's on your phone?" Jen asked digging it out of the center console where I had left it. "Hopefully, something better than what I can find here." The lock screen popped up. "Code," she demanded.

"Here," I said reaching for the phone.

Jennifer pulled it away from me. "Don't trust me do you? Are you hiding something?"

I rolled me eyes.

"Fine," she said and started to hand over the phone. "But you know tonight I can just put your thumb on it when you're sleeping."

"I'm a light sleeper," I replied.

"Not when I'm done with you." She still held the phone not quite out to me.

"Hmm, I do like the sound of that." I paused as if in deep thought. "So if I tell you my code, do I still get the full work out treatment tonight?"

Jen leaned in close to me and blew hot air into my ear. "You'll be sore for weeks," she purred.

"0887," I said without hesitation.

Instantly, Jen was back in her seat tapping away at the screen. "You are so gullible. We'll see what I find in here, and then you may be on the floor tonight or Ubering home from middle-of-nowhere Wyoming or Nebraska." She hummed a happy tune to herself.

I rolled my eyes again but said nothing and kept driving.

"So what happened in August 1987?" Jen asked. "You were like five years old."

"It's not a date," I explained. "It's a phone number. The last four digits of my pager number in residency." That was a white lie. The pager number served as my ATM code. My phone's passcode was actually the last four of the phone number of the woman I had had a huge crush on in college. "I wrote it down about fifty times a day for three years so it sticks in my mind." Actually I called it almost everyday for about three years in a fruitless attempt to win over the young lady's affection. "I haven't had that number for years now; so no one remembers it." The young lady probably did since it was her parents' home number where she had lived for most of her college years, but given that we had not spoken for close to fifteen years, she was exceedingly unlikely to try breaking into my phone anytime soon.

Jen continued playing with my phone in silence as she came to a judgment. "Well, you have like no pictures on this phone except from the last two weeks, so you either have had a boring love life for the past couple of years or you cleared out your iCloud account before this trip. Your texts are all work related or me or some guy named Tom, who I guess is a friend. Your browser history is boring, but at least you don't have a bunch of porn bookmarked. You play too much Soda Crush given what level you are on." She looked up at me and shook her head. "You really need to get out more. On the other hand, your taste in music is not bad." She pushed a button on the car stereo and apropos Bon Jovi's "Lost Highway" began playing over the speakers. "Good stuff on here. I approve. Maybe you don't have to Uber home after all."

At Rawlins, Wyoming we took another break to stretch our legs and switch off driving duties. Jennifer took over as we headed east toward Nebraska. The road stretched out before us with hardly a car to be seen. Occasionally a pick up or SUV would pull up from behind and pass. Every few miles or so, a cluster of cars would pass us in the other direction.

The miles crawled past and the day lengthened. During one of those breaks between on coming traffic and a relatively straight stretch of interstate, I sidled up closer to Jennifer and nuzzled into her hair, breathing in its sweet scent, kissing her ear. She giggled some. "Careful," she warned.

"I just can't resist you," I whispered and nibbled at her ear lobe. I twirled her blond locks with my left hand and began massaging her thigh with my right. I kept my face close gazing at her with intensity.

"Trying to drive here." She shied away from my breath on her neck.

"That's fine. Keep driving," I said. My hand now slipped under her shirt to massage on her belly.

"Hey." She squirmed and laughed. "Ticklish."

"Are you ticklish up here?" I slid my hand up higher to cup her bra in my hand.

"Mmm," she murmured. "Not so much there." Jen reached her own hand over and placed it between my legs. "You are feeling a bit amorous, aren't you?"

My hand was rubbing her nipple through the lacy fabric of her bra. "This feels like some sexy underwear you're wearing. I'm looking forward to seeing you in it later."

Jen glanced over at me. "I don't think you'll be seeing me in it for long." She gave me a quick kiss and then put both hands on the wheel.

My hand stayed where it was gently rubbing and massaging and pinching her nipple beneath the fabric. I went back to nibbling at her ear. The only sounds were the wheels on the road and our increasingly heavy breathing.