Awakening of the Goddess

"It's not just about how everyone has built me up," Justine said, pacing. "The frustration is physical. Every time we have sex, I feel like it builds up inside me, and then it doesn't get released. I think it adds up, because it's getting harder and harder to look forward to sex. So it's like my body is saying the same thing to me that everyone has said my whole life. You should be good at this, you should enjoy this, this should feel good. My own body expects me to have great sex, and yet somehow it still doesn't happen. Sex is important because it's not just all around me, it's in me as well. I need to solve this, and I just can't." Justine put her hands to her face and cried. Trent stood up and put is arms around her.

"Just say what you want to try next." Trent said. "You know I'm behind you 100%". Justine pulled away.

"Aren't you hearing what I'm saying," Justine said, almost screaming. "I'm out of ideas. We've tried everything. I want to give up but I can't because I want it so bad. There's no where else to go!"

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Trent said, raising his voice, "I'm trying to help you!"

"Don't just say you'll do anything," Justine said, "You always say you'll do anything. You've always said that, and it has never got any better!"

"Are you saying it's my fault now?" Trent yelled. "What the hell do you want from me?"

"Nothing!" Justine said, "You don't understand how it feels. You can't! Nobody can!"

"So you want to give up then?" Trent asked, with accusation in his voice, "No more sex?"

"What if I said yes?" Justine said. "What if I said no more sex? How would you feel being with the perfect woman that you can't fuck?"

"That's just being ridiculous," Trent said. "We'll keep trying. There's no reason to stop."

"Easy for you to say," Justine said with sarcasm, "You get to keep getting off. It's great for you while I have to keep being frustrated."

"That's not what I'm trying to do!" Trent said. "If you want to take a break from sex, then we'll do that."

"I don't mean a break," Justine said.

"Then what do you mean?" Trent said loudly.

"Never mind!" Justine said, "You don't get it! You can't get it! Just leave me alone!" Then Justine turned and stormed out of the living room. Trent stood listening, wondering if she was going to go into the bedroom to be alone. He couldn't hear much for a few moments, then he heard a rattling as Justine grabbed an umbrella, and immediately after the front door open and close. Trent stepped into the small hallway between the living room and the front door, and noticed that Justine had put on some shoes, but not taken a jacket with her. It was raining and cold out, so she would probably be back soon, since she was just wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

Many hours later, she had not returned. In the meantime, Trent's mood had changed dramatically. At first he was indignant, thinking Justine was acting like a child. However, he could never stay upset with her for long, so in less than an hour he had become worried about her. She was out there, in the cold, probably still upset, and as time went on, he worried that she was lost or worse. Since she was such a beautiful woman and most likely looking very vulnerable, something bad could have happened, though Trent didn't want to consider that.

She had been in such a rush that didn't take her mobile phone with her, so Trent couldn't call and check on her. He called some of her friends to see if maybe Justine had connected with them. However, no one had heard from her. Trent tried to downplay her absence, so as not to cause a panic among all their friends.

He went outside and walked around the neighborhood in the rain, looking in coffee shops and bars, even in laundromats or anywhere dry. Justine was nowhere to be found. He phone her mobile phone back at the apartment many times in case she had returned home while he was out. He left messages that got more apologetic each time. He returned home after hours of searching, cold and tired and wet.

Eventually, all he could do was pace back and forth and feel guilty and stupid for having said what he said. At the time, he was just trying to express how he supported her. However, what he ended up conveying was that he just wanted to keep going, which, as Justine said, was easier on him than on her. Now he saw that, he realized he should have just listened. Getting mad at her was no way to solve their problems in the bedroom.

When he finally heard the door open, he rushed toward it, his sense of relief was so overwhelming. She was a little wet from the rain, but she looked otherwise unharmed in any way.

However, when Justine saw Trent, she burst into tears. He grabbed her and held her tight. "I'm so sorry!" he said over and over, gently rocking her to comfort her. Her tears didn't let up, though, and he started to wonder if there was something else going on. He held her back to look at her face and she couldn't return his gaze. She looked downward and sobbed. "What is it?" Trent asked with genuine concern.

"I'm so sorry," Justine said quietly.

"No," Trent quickly responded, "you have nothing to be sorry about. I was the one who was insecure."

"No," Justine said, "you don't understand. While I was gone, I," she said, and then stopped, looking unable to get the words out.

"You what?" Trent asked, not accusingly but with worry that something happened to her. Justine finally looked up and into Trent's eyes. She looked pained, and seemed to be struggling with what to say.

"I," she said with some difficulty, "I, just, had an opportunity to think about some stuff. That's all. Nothing happened. Nothing at all." Trent thought it was a bit strange the way she was emphasizing nothing happened. The mere act of denying it when she hadn't been asked made it seem like something had in fact happened. However, Trent realized that kind of paranoid thinking was what created fights, not solved them. "I know now that we can make it work. Sexually, I mean."

"What?" Trent said, surprised. "How do you know that? I'm happy to hear it, but, still, what's different?"

"I can't explain," Justine said. She remained vague, and Trent realized maybe she couldn't explain any further. Sometimes feelings are hard to express. So instead he tried to kiss her. She kissed back, but was a little hesitant and she stopped him.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I... I'm a little too worn out." Trent couldn't help how she could be so worn out from just walking in the rain for a while. Most likely she went to a coffee shop and sat for a while. However, women are more emotional than men, he figured, so probably for her thinking about the relationship was more of an ordeal than how he saw it.

"Does that mean you don't want to take a break from having sex?" Trent said, "Because I want you to know that I thought about what you said and realized you were right. It is easier for me, and it's unfair. I don't know how you feel, and I should have listened better. When I say I'll try anything, I mean I'll even try not doing anything. I'm here for you in any way you need me. Any way at all."

Justine looked at Trent with a puzzled look. Not that she didn't understand what he was saying, but that she had no idea how to respond. "No," Justine said slowly and carefully, "I think we need to keep trying. I think I have some new, um, insights into how I feel. Just, not tonight okay? I can't tonight, but we'll keep trying again soon, okay?"

Trent was extremely happy to hear that, so her hugged her again, and that night they slept with Trent holding Justine like a little girl and comforting her with his embrace.

Unfortunately, after that, things did not get better. For a few days it seemed like they might, and Justine was different in the bedroom. She seemed to have more of an idea of what she wanted, pulling and pushing at Trent to move one way or another. However, as much as Trent tried he hardest to do what she wanted, she just couldn't get whatever it was that she needed. They became distant again, and it became hard to talk about, because this time it seemed like it was Justine who was calling the shots. Whatever it is she wanted, only she could say how to do it. Trent felt powerless to help, but couldn't express his frustration without making it seem like he was accusing her. The last thing he wanted was to press her into another fight that would have her running out the door.

Trent felt like they were heading toward an inevitable fight, though, as Justine became so frustrated that sometimes she would even just stop the sex right in the middle, sighing heavily with frustration and then going out of the room to calm down. Trent, who would still be aroused, found this particularly difficult, and he snapped at her a couple times, and she snapped back. However, both of them knew that the fight that was just about to happen would make things worse, so they both held back.

Then, suddenly, things changed for the better. Justine didn't usually go out socializing with friends without Trent, but she said she needed a night out with her girlfriends. Trent suspected that being around women only was a way of getting away from the implied sexual energy she always got around men. She obviously needed a break, and while Trent wasn't too happy about her doing things without him, he could see how she needed a break.

As it turned out, it seemed to help a lot. Although she was a little tipsy, a little worn out from dancing, Justine came home completely refreshed emotionally. She gave Trent a big hug when she arrived, and seemed to be in a much brighter mood. Trent was eager to find out what changed, but she was so exhausted that she practically collapsed into bed and went to sleep immediately before Trent even got into bed with her.

"So what changed?" Trent asked over breakfast the next morning.

"I talked some things over with my friends yesterday," Justine said, "And they helped me see things in a new light. You know I'm so grateful for how well we communicate, but I think it really helped to get some outside input."

"What did you decide?" Trent asked. At this, Justine looked down and a little concerned. She was obviously not sure if Trent would go along with her plan.

"Remember we talked about taking a break? A break from sex?" Justine asked. She continued, "Well, I think that's a good idea now. I want to just focus on all the parts of the marriage that work, and take the pressure off the bedroom for now."

"Okay, fine," Trent said, though there was just a slight tone in his voice that gave away that he knew this meant no sex for him for a long time. Having a wife as incredibly sexy as Justine and not being able to fuck her would be a true test of will. "Why do you now think that's a good idea?"

"Girls talk about things," Justine said with a giggle. "I can't let you in on all our secrets. Are you really willing to go along with it, though?" Trent looked obviously concerned, but he nodded. "You know I'll do anything for you. Take as long as you want. We'll get back to it when the time is right," Trent said. Justine looked thrilled and she jumped up so that she could bend over to kiss Trent on the forehead. As she did so, her tits jiggled and wobbled in a way that has Trent's eyes fixated on them. Already it was hard to be around her and know that he wasn't going to be fucking her.

There was no denying, though, that the break from sex seemed to have helped their marriage over all. Although Justine was a little busier with work and went out with the girls without Trent more often, the time they did spend together was without any tension. They enjoyed their time together, just being a loving couple. Justine wanted to focus on more couple activities, like walking in the park and going to movies together. She seemed to be intent on highlighting what was working great about their relationship, the completely platonic part.

Trent tried to not let on how hard it was for him. Trent tried going out a few times with his guy friends when Justine was out with her girl friends, but he found he wasn't as interested in it. He much preferred being out with Justine as well. One problem was that the guys would sometimes tease him, saying that if they had a wife like Justine, they would be at home fucking her all the time. They couldn't even understand why he was out without her. Although they were joking, there was an undercurrent of truth in it as well. All of Trent's friends would talk more or less openly about how they wanted to fuck her. On top of that, they couldn't understand how they were hitting a nerve with Trent, because that's exactly what he wanted too, to be at home fucking Justine. So even when he was out with friends, there was constant reminders of Justine and their dissatisfying sex life.

The other problem was that they would go out to bars or clubs, and the other guys would want to pick up girls. Trent, however, didn't want any other girls. He would look at even the most attractive woman in any place and she would never be on Justine's level. Even though Trent was sexually frustrated, he knew that even if he wasn't so completely loyal to Justine that he wouldn't be satisfied with any other woman anyway. They all paled in comparison. Trent was completely in love and loyal to her no matter what, so he never considered cheating on her anyway, but he still didn't like looking around the room at other women and being reminded of how he was both with and not with the woman of his dreams.

Trent would sometimes hope that he would happen to bump into Justine and her friends at a club by happy coincidence, but he never saw her. Sometimes he would see other friends of Justine and ask about her, but whoever it was that Justine was going out with, it seemed that it wasn't the girl friends that Trent had met before.

Trent stopped trying to replace his time away from Justine with some kind of distraction, and more and more he would just stay at home and wait for her. He was content to go out when Justine was with him, and if not, he just finished up some work or watched television or relaxed.

However, Trent was far from relaxed. While the situation seemed to be improving Justine's mood more and more week after week, Trent was more anxious about how long this break was supposed to go on. He masturbated thinking about Justine, and what sex would be like when she was ready again, and if they were able to make it really work. At first that helped release some tension. However, at the same time, it got him thinking about sex with her more too. Even though she was his own wife here in his own home, in his masturbatory fantasies she was like the movie star that one can't have. She was more desirable because of her unattainability, and then the potential of her actually being attainable, but then again not really, was a cycle in Trent's head that had him both masturbating furiously and then feeling hollow afterward.

In order to try and get their sex life back on track, Trent wanted to try and talk it out. It started out with small questions and just checking on her feelings. However, Trent was in need of results, and they started talking more and more about the relationship. Long, detailed, conversations, that went nowhere and left them both a little frustrated. Trent wanted to explore all sorts of angles to try and find the key insight that might unlock the door to them trying to have sex again. Justine, however, strictly maintained that she was just not ready, not able yet, and that was that. The situation was really that simple, but the lack of information only made Trent more frustrated and motivated to try harder.

Justine clearly found the conversations tedious, and most nights she would endure them. Some nights, though, when she came back from being with her friends or a late shift at work, she was just too exhausted and couldn't talk about anything. She would go straight to sleep, and Trent would be left hanging with many things he wanted to say but couldn't let out. Sometimes he pushed, and once or twice Justine snapped at him saying that talking wouldn't turn her on.

One night, Trent was home alone, just watching television to fill the time. Justine was out with the girls again, which she had been doing more of lately since the conversations began.

Trent was sure she probably got hit on a lot when she was out with her girlfriends, since he knew she did most of the time anyway. However, he trusted her to not go too far with anyone. Justine simply wasn't that type. On the other hand, it felt like she had this new social life without Trent, and he felt a little left out. Trent never really needed time away from Justine, so he felt a little bit sad that she seemed to need time away from him. She never said anything like that, she just wanted to have time with her girlfriends, but that was still the end result.

It occurred to Trent that there was nothing wrong with calling Justine, though. Somehow, when Justine went out with her girlfriends, it had taken on a kind of sacred feeling, like there was a rule that Trent not interrupt. However, now that Trent thought about it, there really was no reason he couldn't just call his own wife whenever he wanted to. He felt it would be good to do, just so he could feel like her social life was not a wholly separate thing from him. He picked up his cell phone and dialled Justine's number.

"Hello," a woman said, "this is Justine's phone." Trent was surprised to hear a voice that wasn't Justine's answer the phone. Trent could hear some music in the background and thought Justine must be out drinking at a bar or something. Perhaps she was dancing or away from her phone.

"Oh, hello," Trent said, "Who is this?"

"I'm Lina, a friend of Justine's" the girl said.

"Nice to meet you Lina." Trent said, feeling happy that he was getting a little insight into Justine's social life. "Is Justine there?"

"Yes, she's here," the girl said. Her voice was friendly and cheerful. "She's just having some fun with friends. Do you need me to get her for you?"

"Yeah," Trent said, "thanks." There was some muffled sounds as it seemed the phone was being passed around or something. Then Justine answered.

"Hi honey," Justine said. She sounded a little distracted, as if she had just been brought from another conversation, or maybe from the dance floor, and talking on the phone was a mental step she hadn't fully taken. "What's up?"

"Sorry to interrupt you and your friends," Trent said, "I guess, I don't know, I was just feeling a little lonely without you. So I just wanted to call and say hi."

"That's, uh," Justine said, "That's sweet. We'll talk when I get home, okay?" Trent couldn't help but notice that Justine sounded hesitant. Was she bothered by him calling her like this? Trent wondered if maybe he had made a mistake, as if he had made her feel like he didn't trust her by checking up on her. Perhaps calling her wasn't such a good idea after all. However, Trent didn't want to concede to an idea that calling his own wife at any time could be the wrong thing to do, so he wanted to know what Justine was feeling.

"Is something wrong?" Trent said, "Your voice sounds a little funny."

"I," Justine said, and then paused. "I'm fine. The girls and I have just been drinking a bit." Trent could tell it wasn't just drinking that was making her respond with what was obviously a little irritation.

"You sound out of breath, though," Trent said, knowing that if she was bothered, he was probably making it worse by asking more questions. He liked hearing her voice, though, even though the conversation was a little awkward, so he wanted to talk just a bit more.

"We've been dancing a lot," Justine said. "Sorry, honey, but it's hard to hear in here. We'll talk when I get home, okay?" Trent realised that this was not the best time to really get into another deep discussion about their feelings and their relationship. When Trent thought of that, he then realised that maybe the whole reason Justine was going out with her girlfriends so much these days was because she was maybe tired of all the talking with Trent about their marriage and their sex life and their feelings for each other. He didn't like admitting that he might be driving her away, but he couldn't deny the possibility either. He suddenly felt a little foolish for calling her up and possibly making things worse by taking the very thing she might be trying to avoid into the world of her friends where she was escaping too. He decided he should get off the phone and let it go.