Both Sides Now

Pat grimaces. "Girl."

"If you transition, you might as well get used to that."

"That may take a while."

...

Pat sits in bed in the hospital room, when Margaret walks in and sits down. Pat is somewhat angry and withdrawn.

"And how are we today?"

"Like a man with his private parts cut off."

"If you think of yourself that way, you should continue living as a man."

"That just doesn't feel right now."

"You don't have to make any snap decisions. Have you though more about our discussion?"

"There's no good alternative. Only a least bad alternative."

"You should only try living as a woman if you feel strongly about it. We will support you regardless of which way you want to go."

"Like that's a real encouragement."

"It means you are not alone. You don't have to face it alone. And you don't have to face it without knowing anything about it."

"So what did your tests show?"

"You're probably what we'd call non-binary. You have some personality traits of both genders, and further your gender does not appear to be central to your self image. But I don't think that's enough for you to be comfortable living as a woman. You have no idea of the differences between living as a woman and living as a man."

"But you do - you've been through it."

Margaret looks at Pat and has a weak smile, before continuing. "I was assigned male at birth, but even as a child, I knew I was a female. I had a lot of difficulties growing up, because society wouldn't recognize me as what I knew I was."

Pat is taken aback. "I'm sorry."

"I suffered for years with society, friends, and relatives telling me that I was something that I knew I wasn't. I would never encourage you to take that journey."

"But why?"

"When I transitioned, it was very hostile. I was called sick and perverted. I don't want you to go through what I did. My family, my friends, my coworkers all abandoned me. I ended up moving to another facility in another city."

"My wife is divorcing me anyhow. My parents are gone."

"Any other family?"

"My sister, but she's on the other side of the country. She said she'd stand by me regardless."

...

Bob calls Sherrie on the phone. "I can't believe you just dumped Pat like that."

"Bob, you don't understand."

"You're right, I don't understand."

"You know we were having problems."

"And that justifies cutting Pat off cold."

"I've been mad at Pat. I've wanted him to be a different man, but that just wasn't Pat. I was angry and frustrated and I blamed Pat and all the things he did that didn't involve me."

"But to just dump him like that."

"What happened sent my dreams of a family out the window. Then when I thought about 'being' with a woman, that just made me queasy."

"How do you think Pat feels?"

"I just couldn't take it - not any of it. And the idea of seeing him like that... would just torture me with what I lost."

"What you lost? What about what Pat lost?"

"I'm sorry. The thought of seeing him, talking to him or being around him the way he is... it's just too much for me to take."

"I'm sorry for you, but a whole lot sorrier for Pat."

...

Pat in a hospital room talks to her sister Casey 30s, who is dressed in jeans and a tee shirt.

"You look better than I expected."

"Do you blame me for being depressed and angry after what happened?"

"In your place, I'd have taken the roof off this place."

"They've done their best to help me, under the circumstances."

"You're really going to try to live as a woman?"

"Even if I went the other way, it would be a long time before I'd be functional as a man - and then pretty half-assed."

"I know some FTM types who'd love to be that half-assed."

"I'm going to roll with this and see where it takes me."

"I don't think you have a clue as to what you're in for, but you have a home with me, if you want to do that."

"At least for now, I'm going to stay close to my support systems here."

"Remember the offer's open."

"You always did want a sister."

"Didn't want to get one by losing my brother."

"I'm still here, and mostly the same, with a few changes."

"At least you're rid of Sherrie. I never did think she was good for you."

...

Margaret sits at her desk. Pat walks in and sits down. Pat wears male street clothes. Pat still looks male.

"Good afternoon. So have you thought about what we discussed?"

"I want to try to transition. I've thought long and hard, and I think it's the best route for me."

"Why not simply live as you are with or without surgery?"

"I don't feel completely right either way, but that feels more right."

"Usually we expect people who transition to dress and live as women before they even get surgery."

"A bit late for that don't you think?"

"You've made it clear you don't feel comfortable wearing dresses or skirts or heels."

"So is there really a problem?"

"I suppose there is a wide enough range of 'normal' attire that you won't stand out, even if you dress in a way that's comfortable for you. In a business situation, long term you'll need to make some changes, but initially you could wear what you did before the surgery."

"Makes it a little easier to start."

"I worry that you'll have trouble making the adjustments necessary to live as a woman."

"What if I find I don't like living as a woman?"

"We can reverse the hormone treatments. I'm just afraid you underestimate the difficulties in what you're doing."

"I'll just take it step by step."

"We can do this gradually. And you need to give the people who know you a chance to adjust to the gradual change that you'll undergo. I've gone over some of the changes from hormone replacement therapy. They don't happen overnight. But there are other changes you'll have to face."

"What other kinds of changes?"

"For starters, which bathroom do you use? As long as you have clothes on, you still look like a man, particularly when you wear men's clothing. You might cause a stir walking into a woman's restroom."

"I've thought about that. A few places have unisex restrooms though."

"Not every place though. And the longer you take female hormones, the more feminine you'll look."

Pat shakes her head. "Can I just not go out in public?"

"You need people. You need social interaction. And if you're going to commit to living as a woman, then you should live openly as a woman. Otherwise, you should just keep living as a man."

"You're right."

"You have a long challenging road ahead of you - regardless of the road you take."

...

Margaret and Pat sit in her office another day.

"Tell me a little about how you met your wife."

"I'd been hanging out with a group of swimmers, some men, some women. Sherrie was friends with one of the women and joined us one night shortly after breaking up with an abusive boyfriend.

...

Pat and Sherrie sit at a table in college. Their friends largely appear to have left. Pat is clearly male. Sherrie speaks. "It's getting late, I should get back."

"Are you okay? Would you like me to walk you back?"

"Do you promise to behave?"

"I promise."

"Then I'd like that."

Sherrie and Pat walk along a sidewalk on campus. Sherrie sees someone in front of them.

"I think that's my ex-boyfriend coming. Hold my hand."

Sherrie leans against Pat as John approaches. He looks at Pat and sneers. "Going downhill aren't you Sherrie? Have to get a girly boy."

Pat lets go of Sherrie's hand and takes half a step forward. "What do you mean?"

John pushes Pat, who falls down. As John starts to turn to Sherrie, Pat gets back up, face filled with rage, and comes at John. John's face shows shock and fear as Pat grabs John by the shirt collar and shakes him.

Sherrie shrieks, "Pat! Stop. Please."

Pat lets go and steps back. John still shaken, leaves. "You two deserve each other."

After they watch him go, Sherrie kisses Pat. "Thank you."

They arrive at Sherrie's dorm room. She opens the door and walks in, then turns to Pat in the doorway. "Would you like to come in?"

"If it's okay."

Pat walks in, Sherrie closes door and turns to Pat. "You're sweet and kind of cute. So do you like me?"

"You're very pretty."

"Then kiss me and convince me that you like me."

Pat kisses Sherrie - long kiss.

"That's a good start. Come here." Sherrie leads Pat over and pulls him down with her onto the bed.

"What about your roommate?"

"She won't be back tonight."

"You told me you wanted me to behave."

"So, now maybe it's time to misbehave."

Sherrie kisses Pat. Pat kisses her back, tentatively at first, then more passionately as they continue. Sherrie takes Pat's hand and places it on her breast. Pat looks a little uncertain at first.

"Go ahead. Touch it, squeeze it gently."

Pat looks at her breast as he touches it through her blouse and bra. Sherrie, smiles, moans, and begins moving her hips as Pat caresses her. Sherrie unbuttons her blouse as Pat continues to fondle her boob. She leans forward slightly and kisses Pat.

"Take it off me. Please."

Pat moves his hands across her chest under the blouse, easing it from her shoulders. Sherrie shifts her arms a bit and wiggles to get the blouse sliding down her arms. She slips free of the blouse and pulls Pat back into a kiss, and puts his hand back on her breast.

Pat continues to kiss her as he strokes her breast. Sherrie slips her tongue between his teeth as they kiss. Sherrie leans forward again. "Can you unhook my bra?"

Pat reaches behind her with both hands and fumbles a bit. Sherrie turns around so Pat can see, and he unhooks her bra. He puts his hands on her back under the bra straps and eases it forward. Sherrie giggles as her bra falls off and turns around facing Pat again. Pat looks uncertain as he puts his hand on her bare breast. Sherrie smiles.

"That's right, baby. Touch it and kiss it."

Pat leans down to put his lips on one nipple as he caresses the other one. Sherrie sighs, and leans back grabbing Pat's head and pulling him with her as she goes. Pat kisses, licks, and sucks on Sherrie's right breast, as he fondles her left breast with his right hand. Sherrie strokes Pat's head as he pleasures her breasts.

"Switch sides, baby. Kiss the other one and stroke this one."

Pat shifts to kiss Sherrie's left breast, as he brings his left hand up to stroke the right breast. As Pat kisses and touches her breasts, Sherrie begins to squirm and moan, before she arches her back, moans loudly and cums. As she comes down off her orgasm, Sherrie lifts her hips.

"Take off my skirt, baby. Can you do that?"

Pat reaches over on the side and undoes the button, then unzips the skirt. He slides the skirt down her hips to her feet. Sherrie sets her ass down on the bed and kicks free of the skirt. She then raises her hips again.

"Now the panties."

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes. Isn't that what you want?"

Pat reaches up to Sherrie's panties which are soaked in the crotch. He slips his hands under the waist band and draws them down her hips and legs. She kicks the panties off and spreads her legs to show just a narrow strip of hair just above her pussy, which sits tantalizingly before Pat.

"Okay, baby. Take off your clothes now."

Pat pulls off his tee shirt, and kicks off his tennis shoes, without even untying them. He unzips and steps out of his jeans, placing them carefully on the floor. He bites his lip as he looks at Sherrie, who smiles. Pat pulls down his jockey shorts and steps out of them. Sherrie takes Pat's hand and draws him down onto the bed. Pat sits down and Sherrie pushes him so he lies down as she moves down to look at Pat's rock hard cock.

"Your turn for a little fun, baby." Sherrie says as she kisses the head of Pat's dick. Pat moans as Sherrie takes the head of the prick between her lips. A drop of pre-cum is at the tip as Pat's prick twitches.

"Try to hold off, baby. I don't want you to blow too soon."

Pat moans as Sherrie takes steadily more and more of his cock in her mouth. She bobs her head up and down, fucking his dick with her mouth. "Oh God. I'm gonna..."

Sherrie takes Pat deep in her throat as Pat cums. After he finishes unloading in her mouth, Sherrie swallows and licks Pat's prick as she draws it out of her mouth.

"Well, baby. That was just the start. There's a lot more fun still to come."

The next morning, Sherrie's roommate comes in the room to see Pat spooning Sherrie in the small bed. She snorts and grabs a change of clothes and a towel, before heading to the bathroom.

...

Margaret sits at her desk. Pat walks in. Pat is wearing male street clothes. Pat shows a hint of mammary development. Pat's skin is pinker and more translucent, and her features slightly more feminine. Margaret motions Pat to a chair. She gets up walks around the desk and sits in an adjacent chair.

"You had the rest of your facial hair lasered, Pat. And you're leaving."

"I'm still not sure I'm ready to."

"While you're here, it doesn't seem quite real. Once you walk out the door, it becomes real. And you have to start to face it."

"I don't know how. It seems harder now that I'm facing it."

"Do it the same way every other person does. Doing the best we can."

"Easier said than done."

"Your divorce is final."

"I don't know that I would have cared. She got several mil out of the hospital. She's happy."

"But you need emotional support."

"My best friend blames himself for this. He made me come to the hospital. As it turned out I did have a concussion. Almost got overlooked among everything else. But he knows what happened. And he can't face me."

"So, abandoned by two of the people closest to you, at the point when you need them most."

"And now I have to try to figure out how to put a life back together again."

"I'll be here for support, whenever you need me - day or night. And let me talk to your friend."

"You got me a place to live."

"It's amazing what hospital staff can accomplish when they have to. And the hospital will spare no effort for you. We got you a nice furnished condo, and got your clothes and possessions from your wife. She seemed happy that she wouldn't have to face you."

"And I'm glad I don't have to face her."

"You should return to work. You need to build some sort of normalcy in your life."

"I can keep working remotely... for a while."

"You should go in. I talked to your employer. There is a unisex bathroom normally only for visitors. You can use it whenever you need to. You can hold off a little while on figuring out which bathroom to use - at least at work."

"I don't need the money. The hospital settlement is substantial."

"You need the interaction with people. You need to feel normal again - as much as possible."

"I don't see how I can ever feel normal again."

"Are you really sure this is the way you want to go? We can stop and reverse the hormone therapy."

"No. I want to go with this."

"I'm still not sure that you aren't making a mistake. Let's talk about clothing."

"For now, I'll wear my old slacks and shirts."

"As the hormone treatments have greater effect, you'll have more body changes. I can see some changes already. They are subtle but real."

"Great. Everyone will be able to look at me and see I've changed."

"You have changed and will continue to change, unless you want to stop this."

"No. It just still feels a little odd. What kind of changes are we talking about?"

"At this point it's mostly changes in the color and softness of your skin, and in the scent of your body. The average person, if they notice anything probably won't know what is different, just that there is a change."

"I guess that's reassuring."

"Clothing. At your place, you will find heavy snug T-shirts and sports bras. Wear them under your shirts. Mammary development has begun, but that will make it less obvious. Trans-women don't tend to develop big breasts, and what you do get won't happen overnight. We're just looking ahead."

"That hadn't occurred to me."

"For a while I was worried you'd get stuck in depression."

"I'll make it. A little further anyhow."

"One other thing. You'll find several pair of panties - boy shorts, really. I recommend you wear them instead of boxers or briefs. If you're going to live as a woman, you need to start thinking female - in small, unobtrusive ways, anyhow."

Pat makes a face. "The thought of it seems weird."

"You will look more female by the week and month. If you really want to do this, you need to start that mind-set. And before this is over wearing panties will seem like one of the least weird things you do."

"You really know how to cheer a girl up."

Margaret laughs.

...

Pat sits on a bar stool in a bar, and sips a drink. Bob walks up sits down beside her.

"Hey, pal. Nice to see you again."

"It was hard to face you. Knowing."

"Knowing what? You didn't make the mistake. You didn't perform the surgery. It wasn't your fault."

"I still feel responsible."

"Given the circumstance, you made the best choice. Remember the celebrity. Hit her head skiing. Felt just fine. Until she died of bleeding in the brain. I had a concussion - moderate. But until they checked it, no one could be sure."

"I wasn't even sure what to talk about with you."

"What did we ever talk about? Swimming, sports, cars, politics, girls."

Bob looks pained.

I still like girls, Bob. They changed my body. They didn't change my personality or who I'm attracted to. Hell, given that I was married, I never did more than talk about girls anyhow."

"Sherrie divorced you."

"You know what my marriage was like. We wouldn't have made it another year."

"Still stinks."

"Would have been easier not to have that right on top of the other."

"You weren't very happy with Sherrie. What's next?"

"The doctor tells me I need to get back into activity and a routine. Recommended I go back to swimming."

"That's a great idea, Pat.

"And what do I wear? My old Speedo? I'm not ready to wear a women's swimsuit. But I shouldn't... go topless."

"Triathlon suit with top."

"I suppose that would work. What locker room do I use? Lots of folks there know me."

"Neither one. Change at home. Sweats over swimwear. Towel off in your suit. Put the sweats back on afterwards. Shower and change back at home."

"You really think I should?"

"Absolutely. You still think you can beat me?"

"You figure I'm losing muscle from the hormones, and that'll give you an edge."

"I'll take any little advantage I can get, guy." Bob realizes he's called Pat 'guy', and stops, awkwardly.

Pat realizes why Bob stopped. "That's okay. It's easy for me to forget. At least until I take my clothes off. And besides if you start calling me 'girl', I'll kick your ass."

Bob laughs. "Fair enough. I don't think I could handle this as well as you are."

"I don't know that I'm handling it as well as you think. Just taking it as best I can. I want one thing though. Promise me you won't tell anyone what happened to me. No one."

...

Pat and Margaret sit in her office. Pat has more mammary development. The fit of her clothes shows a bit more female body shape.

"I'm glad you're back to swimming. It's good for you."

"It was awkward as hell the first time or two. I felt uncomfortable and self-conscious."

"It's not as bad now though?"

"It's almost starting to feel normal." Pat shakes her head.

"The first few times in any 'new' situations will be hard. It gets easier though."

"I sure as hell hope so."

"I'd like to suggest one more change - in how you wear your hair."

"It's how I've worn my hair for years - since I was in my teens."

"You aren't the person you were then. And you aren't the gender you were then. You've let it grow out a bit."

"I was thinking it was time for a haircut."