Both Sides Now

"It isn't quite what you think."

"Let's sit down before you get deluged. There's a few girls here who'd like to snuggle up to you in a slow dance. And some of those are about as shy as Mare. If not quite as predatory."

As they walk off the dance floor, Pat glances over to see a red haired woman, Rachel, who has a cynical smile. Rachel looks away as Pat smiles at her.

...

Pat and Margaret sit in her office

"You're making excellent progress. And you enjoyed it, didn't you?"

"The thing is, there were a few women who I might have liked to go home with."

"So why didn't you?"

"As a man, I wasn't into the hookup scene."

"How many women did you date besides your ex-wife?"

"I don't know exactly."

"And how many did you sleep with besides her?"

"Not many."

"You were a bit shy as a man, weren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Your personality didn't change. Only your gender."

"But I liked women."

"I'm sure you did. But you weren't that into the dating scene and all its games."

"I was never very good at that."

"If you play it right, you still might not need to be that good at it."

"I hope you're right."

...

Bob and Pat are at the pool and towel off after a swim.

"I can beat you a little more often, but not much more."

"I can tell I've lost a little. I don't know if it's the hormones or just getting a little older."

"So you're doing the girl bar scene now."

"After some of my experiences with the straight bar scene, I needed a change."

"You don't need that other stuff. You say there's some hot chicks there?"

"Some real cuties. And they're looking for a woman. Or at least amenable to it."

"I heard Sherrie is seeing someone."

"I think I met him and he's welcome to her. She wants no part of me, nor me of her."

"She never was good for you."

"Probably not. But she came at a point in my life when I needed someone. She was there and she was willing."

"You need a little more than that."

"So what about you? Are you going to let some woman make an honest man of you?"

"I've been seeing someone. It's starting to get serious. We're talking marriage. It's part of the reason I haven't seen as much of you lately."

"Congratulations. I hope it works out for you. I certainly hope it works out better than Sherrie and I did."

"I always figured when I got married that I'd ask you to be the best man."

"If you want me to, I'd be honored."

"You wouldn't feel awkward?"

"To paraphrase Lewis Carroll, sometimes I've done as many as six awkward things before breakfast. Besides, I wouldn't miss the chance to do that for the world."

"You're sure?"

"I haven't worn a tux in ages - maybe not since I got married."

"Deal."

...

After Bob's wedding rehearsal Bob and Heather talk. Heather is upset, as Bob tries to calm her down.

"I can't believe you have a woman for your best man."

"Pat has been my best friend for a lot more years than I've known you."

"My parents are already talking. I can imagine what my friends will say."

"Maybe you should have a little less vivid imagination, and focus more on what I thought was supposed to be a happy day."

"I thought it was supposed to be, too."

Bob gently pulls Heather a bit closer to him and looks into her eyes. Bob is almost begging. "You chose almost everything in this wedding. About the only thing I chose was my best man. Smile, be gracious, relax and go with it. Please?"

Heather pauses, looks down, and shakes her head. "The way she did her hair and in that tux, it is harder to tell that she's a woman."

Bob hugs Heather and kisses her. "That's better. Pat is my best friend - apart from you. And just may be the best man in the place even if she is a woman. And this is about you and me, not about Pat."

"I suppose."

"Years from now, people will either not remember, or will just have a little chuckle. And you know I love you."

"And I love you."

...

At Bob and Heather's wedding ceremony, Bob and Pat stand at the altar. Pat has her hair in a more 'masculine' style. She almost looks like the pre-change Pat.

Heather's father walks her down the aisle. When he gets to the altar, he looks at Pat and scowls. He turns sharply to one side, looking markedly away from Pat. Pat smiles, a little grimly.

At the reception after, Pat fast dances with one of the bridesmaids when a slow number comes on. Pat holds out her hand to slow dance. The bridesmaid smiles, and they dance.

After the dance, Pat bows slightly, the bridesmaid smiles, kisses Pat's cheek, glancing back at her as they leave the dance floor separately. Pat comes over to talk to Bob. Pat is a little intoxicated.

"Well, Pat. You have a fan there."

"That'll have some tongues wagging. I know Heather's parents were none too thrilled with me."

"They'll get over it. Or maybe not. Who cares?"

"They're your in-laws. Once I leave the party, I never have to see them again."

"I can deal with them."

"Good party though."

Bob turns and nods in the direction of some tables where Rachel sits. Rachel is late 20s and has a sweet, enigmatic smile, along with shoulder length red hair in a bob. She wears a nice knee length black dress.

"Do you know that redhead? I've seen her looking at you."

"I think I've seen her at the bar occasionally. Not often. Kind of quiet. Usually leaves alone, like I do."

"You should talk to her."

Pat walks over to where Rachel is, and sits beside her. "I've seen you at the bar, but I don't know your name. I'm Pat."

Rachel is sweet, but a little cool. "I'm Rachel. You're one of Lee's friends."

"I'm just a friend. Lee and I work together. Nothing more."

"You seem to enjoy that scene."

"I enjoy being around people. I enjoy dancing and a few drinks. It's easier since the crowd accepted the fact that I'm not going home with any of them."

"Not ever?"

"Too superficial. I need something more."

Rachel acts like Pat may be feeding her a line. "And you haven't found that yet?"

"Not yet. But I'm still looking. So what are you looking for?"

Rachel smiles, as she throws Pat's comments back at her. "Something more."

"And you haven't found it yet?"

"Not yet. But I'm still looking."

"Maybe we should look together."

"That's a pickup line, if I've ever heard one."

Pat sputters and is embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I never was very good at..."

Rachel gestures for Pat to calm down. "That's okay. Relax. I forgive you."

Pat wants to change the topic and perhaps get a little distance from the previous exchange. "Would you care to dance?"

"And fight off a bridesmaid or two?"

"I'm not sure she knows I'm female."

"I was almost starting to wonder myself."

"No promises. No expectations. And I'm not asking you to come home with me. Just dance a bit."

"It's a deal."

Pat leads Rachel to the dance floor, where they slow dance.

...

It is late. Only Pat and Lee are around the office.

"Do you know Rachel?"

"You mean from the bar? Quiet redhead, very pretty?"

"That's her."

"What about her?"

"I ran into her at my friend's wedding."

"So how did it work out being best man?"

"Pretty well. I was on my best behavior. The bride's parents got their panties in a wad. Got the bride a little worked up too. No one else cared. Hell, I don't think most of them knew the difference.

"Good party then?"

"Bob did say that if I got married, he would not be my matron of honor."

Lee laughs. "I like that. He sounds like a good friend."

"He is. But about Rachel."

"I don't know too much. She sort of came out with a bang a few years ago. Real party girl then. Hell, I may even have gone home with her."

"She doesn't strike me that way."

"Not now. She fell hard for someone. Mare, as a matter of fact. Mare used her, abused her. Dumped her, took her back, dumped her again."

Pat shakes her head and frowns. "I knew there was something I didn't like about Mare."

"Rachel still hasn't gotten over it. Mare won't have much to do with her. Says she's too clingy."

"Or Mare is too much of a bitch."

"That we know, for sure. But why were you asking about Rachel?"

"I'm going to dinner with her."

"I'll be damned. My little bird is taking flight."

"I don't know about that."

"I don't know if she is really over Mare. But I wish you luck. Seriously, you deserve it. Both of you, really."

...

Pat and Rachel sit at a table in a restaurant.

Pat asks, "You're not from here?"

"I grew up in a little town. Middle of nowhere."

"Small towns can be nice."

"They can be. But they can also be mean."

"In what way?"

Rachel replies, "In my teens, I began to realize that I was different. In my small town at that time, as a teenager, it was death to be different."

"That's terrible."

"I dated just enough boys, just often enough so no one talked. But I felt like every waking moment was a lie."

"What did you do?"

"Went away to college - to a bigger town."

"Did that help?"

"I didn't feel like I had someone watching every action. Every move I made. And there were women and men there who were out."

"What about you?"

"I was still a bit hesitant. When I graduated, my family thought I'd come back home to teach school."

"Obviously you didn't."

"I came here. Here, I felt anonymous. Here, I felt like I could be the real me. At least after hours."

"That must have been a relief."

"But I went a little crazy. I went overboard. For a while, I slept with anything willing and female."

"What happened?"

"It didn't feel right any more. I decided to pull back - Find one person to love. I met Mare, and fell in love with her."

"Mare didn't feel what you did."

"I spent a long time hoping she would. I may still hope that."

"Maybe it's time to get past Mare."

"Maybe. When did you first realize you were different?"

Pat pauses, thinks, then smiles a bit cynically. "Six months ago." Pat is referring to her surgery.

"I'm being serious."

"I guess I always knew I liked girls. It just never struck me as being that different."

"Really?"

"I was shy in my teens. Never dated. I buried myself in sports. I was on the swim team. Pretty good actually. Never Olympic class. Never even really among the top college swimmers."

"I can see that you're athletic."

"For high school, I was hot stuff - as a swimmer. Dating - that just never happened. I was too busy training."

"You had something to occupy you. Something where you could stand out in a good way."

"In college, I met Sherrie. We hit it off. And became a couple."

"Nice to know that someone can be lucky in love."

"I don't know about that. I don't feel that lucky, but I'm hoping that's changing. But what about your small town? Are they still as bad?"

"My mother died of cancer last year. I went back for the funeral. I was amazed. There were people who were out. No one seemed to think too much of it."

"Nice to know they can change."

"I can't say it was a sea change. Now they see the queer cousin the way they used to see the eccentric uncle."

"Still that's an improvement."

"Not enough to get me to move back there permanently."

"I understand."

...

In the Teachers' lounge, Rachel is alone, when Heather walks in and sits down. "I'm glad you were able to come to my wedding. I hope you enjoyed yourself."

"It was great, and there seemed to be some nice people."

"You seemed to get along well with Bob's friend Pat."

"We've... seen each other in passing at a dance club."

"Look. It's fine. I don't judge people based on who they love. And I have no intention of discussing your personal life with anyone else."

"Okay."

"I don't know much about Pat. Bob has been pretty close mouthed about her. He did say he's known her a long time. And she has had some major struggles over the past year."

"What kind of struggles?"

"He won't say. And that's pretty unusual for Bob. But he says Pat is good people. You're good people too. And if you and Pat get... close, I'll just wish the best for you."

Rachel smiles. "You're good people too. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be close to anyone. But Pat is good people."

...

Pat and Rachel sit at a table in a restaurant. Rachel speaks, "I think you are one of the sweetest women I've ever met. But I've made some mistakes in my life. And I've made mistakes in love. That isn't your fault. But I'm reluctant to go back there, even with you."

"Maybe I can help you get past those hurts."

"I don't know."

"I can't unless you let me. Give me that chance."

"I can't promise that I won't hurt you."

"I'm willing to take that chance."

"Maybe."

"That works for now. Maybe is better than no."

"But maybe can easily become no."

"Isn't it worth the risk? It is for me."

Rachel reaches out and takes Pat's hand. She shakes her head, then smiles weakly. "I just hope this doesn't mean we're jumping off the cliff together."

"If I have to jump off the cliff, I'd rather do it with you than all alone."

...

Pat and Rachel walk along the street. They look in a store window laughing and enjoying themselves.

Pat speaks, "I think you're prettier every time I see you."

Rachel is sweetly sarcastic. "Since you see me every day, I must be approaching stunning."

Pat is very earnest, either missing or ignoring the sarcasm, as Rachel sweetly tweaks or teases her. "You've gone way past that. Fabulous would be several steps backwards."

"And how many women have you said that to?"

Pat replies, "Only you. You're the only one I've ever felt that way about."

"Give it a month, and it'll be more like 'oh, you again'."

"Never."

"We'll see."

They stand in front of another store window. They hold hands and look in each other's eyes.

Pat is very sincere. "I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but you."

"Maybe you just need a better imagination."

"I couldn't have even imagined being with someone like you."

"See. I told you, you need more imagination."

Pat almost has tears in her eyes as she speaks. "Why do I need imagination, when I have someone better and more wonderful than I'd have imagined?"

"I'm almost starting to believe you, and that's scary."

They walk along the waterfront, and sit on a bench overlooking the water.

Pat says, "I want to stay like this forever."

Rachel sweetly teases. "Don't be silly. We have to go inside sometime, if only to get out of the rain and cold. Besides the police won't let us stay here all night."

"You know what I mean."

Rachel looks at Pat and is earnest. "Then let's try to keep it this way - forever."

"Or even longer."

Rachel has her head on Pat's shoulder. They turn to each other and kiss.

...

Pat and Rachel lie together in bed - spoon-style. Rachel rolls over and looks at Pat.

"They say it's a mistake to ask your lover about former loves."

"I know something about your former love. You know very little about mine."

"Should I be afraid to ask?"

"I was really only ever in a relationship with Sherrie."

"And you loved her?"

"It felt that way for a time. But that time passed very quickly."

"And what happened between you and Sherrie?"

"She dumped me right after my accident."

"You won't ever talk about your accident. Why? What happened?"

"I just can't talk about it."

"Maybe someday you'll trust me enough to tell me." Rachel strokes Pat's forehead.

"It isn't a matter of trust. It's just still too painful."

"You have to get past the pain some day. Was Sherrie dumping you part of the pain?"

"In a way, Sherrie dumping me helped. Though I didn't realize it at the time. It kind of felt like piling on. One more hurt on top of the others."

"You've helped me past some of my hurt, maybe I can help you past some of yours." Rachel kisses Pat.

"I knew even then, that what I felt towards Sherrie wasn't the love I was looking for."

"And do you think you will ever find that love?"

"I already have. And she is lying in bed with me right now."

"And I love you"

They kiss. Pat rolls Rachel on top of her. Pat begins running her hands down Rachel's back from her shoulders down to her ass. Rachel begins to stroke Pat's b-cup breasts. Rachel slides down Pat's body to kiss Pat's left boob. Pat looks slightly conflicted, but after a bit, relaxes and gives way to the pleasure.

Rachel moves her hand down to stroke Pat's pussy. Pat stiffens and has a sharp intake of breath. She looks concerned, but then looks down at Rachel and her face softens and she tries to relax. Rachel runs her hand down over Pat's pussy, stroking it slowly and gently as Pat relaxes and starts to get into it. Rachel slips a finger into Pat and Pat squirms a bit.

Rachel moves back up to kiss Pat as she moves her finger in and out of Pat's pussy. Pat kisses her back and strokes Rachel's breasts. Rachel moves back down to Pat's breasts again while continuing to finger Pat. Pat strokes Rachel's head, until Pat gasps and has her first orgasm as a woman. Rachel comes back up to kiss Pat as she finishes fingering her. She strokes Pat's head as she kisses her.

"You made me feel so good earlier that I wanted to try to make you feel good too. But for a little while there, I was starting to wonder if you were a stone butch."

Pat looks perplexed at that.

"A stone butch is someone who enjoys pleasuring another woman, but doesn't want to be touched herself."

Pat relaxes and looks apologetic. "It isn't that. I was raped by a guy and I'm still a little uptight about being touched intimately." Actually Pat is uptight because she hasn't had someone make love to her as a woman before, but she doesn't really want to say that. "That isn't your fault, Rachel, and I'm sorry if I made you feel as though I didn't like it. You did make me feel good, very good, and I'm glad you didn't stop."

"You want to take a breather, or go for another round?"

Pat kisses Rachel and slides down to between Rachel's legs where she slips her tongue in Rachel's pussy.

...

Rachel comes in and sits down beside Heather in the Teacher's lounge. "How are you doing today?"

"Pretty good, but still a bit shocked."

"About what?"

"About Pat. I found a picture of Bob and Pat from a few years ago. I was shocked when I realized that Pat had been a man."

Rachel is shocked but tries not to show it. Heather does not see Rachel's reaction.

"Bob broke down and told me about the accident. Bob is still amazed that Pat could emotionally cope with being accidently transgender."

Rachel struggles for a response. "That isn't something most men could handle."

"You and Pat both are a lot braver and stronger than I ever imagined."

"Thanks, but I'm not sure if it's brave or just doing what you have to."

"I want to talk more, but I'd better get to my class." Heather leaves

Rachel sits and shakes her head. "Shit. Pat was a man."

...

Pat and Rachel dance at the club. Rachel seems withdrawn, but Pat doesn't seem to notice. The dance ends and they leave the dance floor. Pat goes to the bar. Mare struts up to Rachel as she walks off the dance floor and stops her to talk.

"Are you unhappy with her?"

Rachel is hurt and angry. "Why does it matter to you?"

"It might make a difference."

"Oh, really?"

"You always were very pretty and very sweet." Mare touches Rachel's cheek.

Rachel looks at Pat who is oblivious. "What's changed? Why now, after all this time?"

"Maybe it took someone else to make me realize how good you really were."

"And how do I know you won't do exactly what you did before?"

"How do I know you won't dump me and go right back to Pat, even if I take you back?"

"Shit. You know I love you."

"And I love you. Maybe we should both give it another chance."

"I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking."

Mare kisses Rachel. Rachel walks over to the bar. Lee watches this whole scene. She looks at Pat, at Rachel, then over at Mare. Mare looks at Lee and smiles.