Both Sides Now

"Not a haircut. A hair make-over."

"I don't know."

"If you're going this way, commit to it. Try it - for a few weeks at least."

Margaret gets up, walks over, opens the door, gestures, and Suzanne walks in. Margaret gestures toward Suzanne. "This is Suzanne." She then turns toward Suzanne, gesturing toward Pat. "This is Pat. The one we discussed. What do you think we can do?"

Suzanne pulls brushes, combs, sprays, and gels from a bag. She restyles Pat's hair from a traditionally male style to a more feminine style. She finishes, and gestures to Margaret, presenting her work. Margaret smiles.

"I like it. Pat, look in the mirror. Suzanne will teach you how to style it."

"You're right, it's just -"

"And you should make a couple more changes. Legal name change from Patrick to Pat. And change your ID."

"What do you mean?"

"Driver's license and birth certificate. Change the name, and once that goes through, change the sex from male to female."

"Is that necessary?"

"Only if you're really committed to being a woman. Besides, in the unlikely event that you get arrested, do you want them to put you into a holding cell with men?"

Pat is taken aback at the thought. "No."

"I can't guarantee they wouldn't if you don't."

...

Pat is working late at his office. Everyone else has left, except Lee 40s, who comes over to talk to Pat. Pat is more obviously female, but in a sports bra and menswear. Lee is female, lesbian, and somewhat butch.

"It isn't easy, Pat."

"What do you mean?"

"I can see what's happening."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry. I know too much about these things. I've known men who transitioned to women. Too many of the signs are obvious to someone who knows."

"It's complicated."

"It usually is. You might want to start changing what you wear for work."

"I'm not wearing skirts or dresses."

"Women's slacks and tops in the same style as this. Women's flats."

"It seems weird."

"It looks like you're wearing a sports bra. Your breasts are getting big enough to wear a regular bra for work."

"And I'm just supposed to walk into a store and buy those things."

"I can help, if you'd like. I know it isn't easy making the transition. And I'm not going to ask why - that's your business."

"It was a mistake."

"Mistake?"

"Medical mistake. Wrong patient. It wasn't supposed to happen to me."

"You mean...? How in hell? - Sorry, not my business. But friends can make it easier if you let them. Let's get the clothes. Give it a few weeks in the new clothes. When you're ready, you can use the women's restroom."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

"You need to get there eventually. You might as well start."

...

Pat is in her condo and pulls her new clothes out of the bag, looks at them and lays them out on the bed. She takes off her shirt and slacks, and puts them on the bed. Pat looks in the mirror, a bit pained. She takes off her sports bra, then picks up a regular bra and puts it on, fumbling a bit fastening it, since she's never worn a regular bra before.

She picks up a blouse, similar style to the shirt she had just taken off, and puts it on. Pat goes to button it, then realizes it buttons the other way, and fumbles getting it buttoned. She picks up a new pair of slacks, and slips them on, again fumbling, this time with the zipper. Pat walks over looks in the mirror, shakes her head, and has an ironic smile.

"Well, this was what I said I wanted."

...

Pat sits on a stool in a bar, and sips a drink. Mike walks in and sits down on the stool beside her. Pat is more clearly female in dress and appearance.

"Hi, I'm Mike."

Hi, Mike. I'm Pat.

"Nice to meet you, Pat. Great weather we've been having."

"Not bad."

"You're watching football?"

"I follow the game."

"Great season that Jones has been having. Four TDs last week."

"What about Javon though? Fifteen rushes and five receptions for over 200 yards total. They couldn't stop him. And Solomon, running that punt back for a TD.

"Can I buy you a drink, Pat?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I'd love to buy you a drink."

"No thanks. I've about had my limit for the night anyhow."

"I like a girl who knows her limits."

Pat is slightly startled. Then the realization sinks in.

"Have you eaten dinner, Pat?"

"No thanks."

"I thought maybe we could have a bite. And maybe hang out, chat, and have some laughs together."

"No. I appreciate the offer. That's not somewhere I want to be."

"What?"

"There's somewhere I need to be. I'm meeting a friend. It was nice meeting you, Mike."

Pat walks out. She shakes her head and mutters. "Shit. Just exactly what I don't need."

...

Margaret and Pat sit in her office.

"So a guy tried to pick you up in a bar. Didn't get him much did it?"

"I feel like this is just moving too fast. I regret letting Lee talk me into the new clothes."

"Do you want to turn back?"

"Not really. It just feels weird and uncomfortable at times."

"You'll find more uncomfortable things still to come, unless you want to turn back. But I think it's good you have a girlfriend who can help."

"She was saying something about using the women's restroom at work in a few weeks."

"Getting to be that time. You can't count on unisex restrooms forever. What do you do what you're at the bar?"

"When my bladder gets full, it's time to go home."

"That's one way to handle it. Won't always work though. So you need to get used to women's restrooms. Not to mention dressing rooms and locker rooms."

"I just feel like..."

"When you do that, you've given up one of the few links to your lost masculinity."

"That's a little rough."

"Do you want to reverse course?"

...

Pat is in a coffee shop. Clerk hands Pat a coffee.

"Thanks."

Pat smiles at clerk. She smiles back and winks. Pat is about to speak to her when someone behind her clears their throat, so she turns and walks away, half dreamily, half looking back. She almost runs into a couple coming in. It is Sherrie with Joe, her new boyfriend.

"Hi, Sherrie."

Sherrie takes half a step back and looks shocked. Her hand shakes a bit. "Pat?"

"Have you been doing well, Sherrie?"

"I didn't... You look... different."

"To be expected, I guess."

Pat turns to Sherrie's boyfriend. She extends a hand to shake. "Hi. I'm Pat. I'm Sherrie's college pal."

Joe takes Pat's hand and shakes. "Hi, Pat. I'm Joe. Sherrie has the most interesting friends. Maybe you should join us for drinks some time. I'd like to hear more about Sherrie's college days."

Sherrie looks horrified at the thought. Pat smiles, but shakes her head. "Sherrie and I don't spend much time together any more. People drift apart. Circumstances change. You understand."

"That's too bad. Well it was nice meeting you, Pat."

"And you."

Sherrie looks ashamed as she speaks. "I'm sorry about... what happened."

"So am I, but it's done. Stay well, Sherrie."

"You too, Pat."

...

Lee and Pat stand near the restrooms at the office.

"It's okay. People know you'll be using the women's restroom. Most of them had caught on anyhow. The ones who hadn't will get over it."

"I don't know."

"It'll be alright. Really."

Pat walks over to a door marked 'Women'. She stops, looks at the sign, and looks a bit pained. A man walks to the men's room adjacent. He looks at Pat, gives a derisive snort and goes in. A woman walks out of the women's room, sees Pat standing there, does a double take and scurries off.

Pat takes a step back. A younger woman walks up to the restroom, opens the door to go in, and waves for Pat to come in. Pat takes a deep breath, and enters the restroom. Lee smiles, and shakes her head.

...

Pat has her head down on the bar. Fred gets her to her feet and walks her out, though Pat is out or nearly so. He turns to the bartender as he goes. "Sorry. My girlfriend had a little too much to drink. I'm taking her home."

The next morning, Pat lies in bed naked, but covered. She wakes up as Fred, half dressed, comes out of the bathroom.

"What happened?"

"What do you think happened?"

"You drugged me. You raped me. You bastard."

"That was consensual. And you'll never prove otherwise. Waste of time to try."

Fred turns away. Pat gets out of bed. Walks over. Kicks Fred in the groin. "About as consensual as that. And about as pleasurable, too."

Fred doubles over and groans. Pat picks up a lamp and hits Fred in the head. Fred drops to the floor. Pat stands there shaking with anger. She lifts the lamp as though she's going to hit him again. She grits her teeth, then closes her eyes, shakes her head and sets the lamp down.

"You're lucky I don't kill you."

Fred lies there and groans. Pat quickly puts on her clothes, and leaves.

Outside, Pat walks briskly, angrily from the hotel. She gets a little ways down the sidewalk, pauses, sways a bit, and gets ill into a nearby trashcan. Passerby looks at her questioningly.

"I'll be okay. Thanks for your concern."

Passerby walks off. Pat looks a little dazed. Pat stands for a few seconds, straightens up and kicks the trashcan. She begins walking again, but not as briskly.

"I'm not sure I'll be alright, ever again."

Inside Pat's condo is the sound of someone retching from an adjacent room. Sounds of toilet flushing and water running. Pat comes out of the bathroom, in a robe, looking a bit dazed. She walks gingerly, like she is in some pain, over to check the locks on the door.

She pours a glass of wine and downs it quickly. She sits on the sofa, pulls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, dropping her head to her knees, and rocks back and forth a bit.

"Never again. Never again. Never again."

...

Margaret sits in her office beside Pat who seems dazed and angry.

"Did you suffer any physical injuries."

"Some bruising, some mild tearing, but not terrible. I've been dilating regularly, otherwise it might have been worse."

"How are you holding up?"

"Terrible. I hate myself for being so stupid. It never occurred to me that someone would do something to my drink."

"It isn't your fault. You're the victim."

"I don't even want to be around people now."

"Certainly not around people like that."

"He wasn't even hitting on me. We were just chatting about sports and stuff."

"You didn't file a police report?"

"No, but I beat the shit out of him."

"How has it affected you?"

"I stay in my condo with the doors locked. And I check the door locks a lot. When I think about it, I throw up again and again. I drink at home - more than I should, but I just have to."

"That much drinking isn't good for you, and won't solve anything."

"I have trouble sleeping and wake up with nightmares about what he did. I threw away the clothes I wore that night. I shower several times a day. I feel like I can't get clean. And I hate myself almost as much as I hate him. I get depressed and wonder if it's even worth living."

"Are you sure you want to continue your transition?"

"Even if I didn't it'd be a while before they could do any surgeries. I'm stuck with the parts I have - for now anyhow."

We'll get you through this. When it gets bad, call me - any time of the day or night."

...

Casey and Pat sit together on the sofa in her condo in California. Casey has her arm around Pat who sways between accepting and rejecting the touch.

"That's terrible, Pat."

"I'm working remotely. I don't even want to go in the office."

"Stay with me for a while - as long as you need."

"Won't that be a problem for you?"

"My girlfriend and I just broke up. I'm not ready to go looking again yet, and you need family. You've been working remotely anyhow, and you can still talk to your shrink on the phone."

"I need to be around someone that I can trust."

"Mom and Dad may be gone, but we're still here for each other - and I'm here for you now."

"For a few weeks, until I feel better or they need me back in the office."

Pat leans into Casey's shoulder, as Casey strokes Pat's head.

...

Pat and Lee are in Pat's office.

"I'm glad to see you back. I'm sorry about what happened."

"I can't believe that happened, but the nightmares have gone away and I feel a little better."

"That kind of thing is way too common."

"I thought I had friends at that place. I thought someone would look out for me. Not let something like that happen."

"You can't always count on that."

"I won't go back there. I don't know if I want to go anywhere. Where can I be safe?"

"Maybe a new scene. Where you don't have men like that."

"And where would that be?"

"There's a few bars, catering mostly to women. With very few men and most of those gay."

"It can't be any worse."

"When you're ready, there's one I go to regularly. Come there, and I'll keep an eye on you. I won't let anything like that happen."

Pat seems a bit hesitant. "I don't know."

"Look. I'll protect you, and besides you aren't my type. I like my women more femme. Skirts or dresses, bright colors and some frills, maybe heels. And that's not your style."

"I guess that's a relief."

"And you need someone who can be a friend and confidante, without being your lover."

...

Pat and Margaret sit in her office.

"Starting in my teens, when something bothered me, I'd just walk. Any time of the day or night. Just around in the neighborhood where I lived. I never thought twice about it, and never was afraid to walk around. I just walked."

"Not any longer."

"I'm not any smaller or physically more vulnerable, but I feel more vulnerable."

"And that's probably wise."

"And I used to walk along and look people in the eye, smile and say hello. It didn't matter if they were male or female, or whether I knew them or not. Now if I know them, or if it's a woman, I still do, but not necessarily if it's a man I don't know. I remember sometimes, when I was a man, when women studiously ignored me. I felt kind of hurt, and felt they were stuck up."

"And you've started to realize they were just being cautious."

"I don't know how much of that is from the rape, but it's been a lot worse since then. When I was a man, I'd have thought it was silly and kind of paranoid."

"Sometimes truth seems different when you look at it from a different angle."

"I've even had people start treating me different professionally. They haven't generally been hostile to the gender change, which makes me luckier than many, I guess."

"I know your company has a good policy related to LGBT, and Suzanne in HR locally works hard to maintain that. If it had been a snakepit, I'd never have sent you back there."

"Thank you. When you transitioned...?"

"Very different."

"My God. I can't imagine..."

"It's been better for you, I hope, but I'm sure you've still had your issues."

"No doubt. Before if I said something, the bosses would take it seriously. Now they ask a 'man' to check it and verify it. And I realized it's always been this way. Before I was one of the men they asked to check what the woman said. Now that I'm the woman, what I say needs to be checked. It's like my knowledge and credibility disappeared with my penis."

"You don't always see sexism until you're the victim."

"Some former friends don't want anything to do with me, and some coworkers avoid me. When I changed, the world changed too, and not for the better."

"You should take your friend's offer on the girl bar. First off, it's safer for you. A sanctuary, as it were. And don't you want to find a woman? A woman who loves women? Where better? Give it a try. You were going out for drinks regularly anyhow. Try some place friendlier and safer."

...

In the coffee shop, Pat talks to the clerk who makes her a coffee. They smile and flirt. After she gets her coffee, she goes over and sits down at a table with Patty, who comments.

"Well, girl, you've made some changes."

"I suppose. It's not easy for someone who hates change. How have you been, Patty?"

"I was living as a woman before. But now I feel whole and free. You've adapted well."

"Every day throws a new challenge at me."

"Every challenge you beat, makes it that much easier to get by the next one."

"God, I hope so. It's better than it was when I left the hospital, but still not easy."

"I saw you flirting with that cashier."

Pat smiles. "She flirts with a lot of the customers - girls & boys, so I don't take it too seriously. It does make it a little easier to feel good about myself though."

"You've got to feel good about yourself. Well, I have a hot date, so I have to scoot. But take care of yourself, girl."

...

Lee and Pat walk into the bar. Pat is hesitant, and looks like she is about to turn around and go back out.

"I don't know about this."

"Relax. It's fine."

"Isn't this scene more about hookups? I'm not really looking for a hookup."

"I know, you want true love. Don't we all?"

"Maybe I should go."

"Stay. You went to straight bars as a woman. You didn't go there for hookups."

"Even if they found me. And unwilling at that."

"Have a drink. Chat, dance, socialize. Hooking up is not obligatory."

Mare walks up, kind of cocky. She is slender, dressed punkish, with boyish hair and tattoos and piercings. She looks Pat up and down, and smiles at Pat.

"Who's your new girlfriend, Lee?"

"She isn't my girlfriend, just a friend from work."

Mare smiles and leans towards Pat. "Ooh. She's available then?"

"Slow down, bitch. She's not looking to go home with anyone."

"That's too bad."

"This is Pat. Pat, this is Mary, better known as Mare."

"Nice to meet you."

"We could get to know each other even better." Mare licks her lips. Pat looks a bit surprised.

"I'm flattered, but no thank you. Not tonight."

"Just out, I guess."

"In a manner of speaking."

"I'm very good with newbies."

"Okay. Back off. You'll scare her off before she even has a drink."

"I'll be around. And may come back by later. If you change your mind." Mare looks Pat up and down again. She smiles and winks at Pat as she turns away. Mare walks away. Pat and Lee look at each other. Pat shakes her head. Lee smiles.

"Trolling for fresh meat."

"Whew. I think she's more macho than I was when I was a man."

Lee laughs. "She has her femme side too - in bed, though I don't imagine you'll see that."

"She's not what I'm looking for, and I want to take this slow anyhow."

Lee and Pat each order a drink. Syd walks up. Syd is late 20s/early 30s, a bit short and dumpy. She wears glasses and has a big open smile.

"Hey, Lee. Who's your friend?"

"This is Pat. Pat, this is Syd."

"I'm pleased to meet you."

"Pat is just starting the scene."

Syd smiles and looks over toward Mare. "Starting with the one woman hookup crew that just left?"

Pat nods ruefully. "She was a bit much."

Syd nods and smiles. "Particularly for an introduction to the scene."

Lee chuckles. "I think Pat was ready to run screaming from the place."

"It wasn't quite that bad."

"I tried telling her Pat wasn't looking to hook up."

"You know Mare. She hears what she wants to hear."

"And thinks she's a lot slicker than she is."

Syd turns to Pat. "Do you dance?" Pat looks uncertain. "Just dance, Pat - nothing more."

"Go ahead. Loosen up a bit. See if you can have some fun. Even if you do leave alone."

Pat and Syd go to the dance floor and fast dance. After a minute or so, Pat seems to be enjoying it. The fast dance ends, and a slow number starts.

Pat looks frozen, but Syd smiles. "Well?"

Pat and Syd slow dance. "You lead pretty well, Pat. If I didn't know better, I'd think you had a lot more experience slow dancing with women."

"Yes. But it's complicated."

"Isn't it always? No coming out is simple. No two are quite the same."