Both Sides Now

Lee speaks to Rachel. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you and Mare."

"Nothing."

"Nothing or nothing yet?"

"I don't know."

"Something is going on."

Rachel speaks with a quiet anger. "Pat lied to me. She was a man. She made me think she had always been a woman."

"Did she say that?"

"No. But she implied it."

"I can't speak for Pat. But I know she's struggled with what happened to her. And she should have been more honest with you."

"It bothers me that she was a man. It bothers me more that she wouldn't tell me."

"Maybe she was afraid of losing you."

"Lying to me is one way to do that."

"You have to decide what is best for you, but be kind to Pat. She loves you, and you know she's been good to you and good for you. She deserves that much."

...

Pat and Rachel sit at a table in a coffee shop. Pat is hurt, while Rachel is a little cool.

"I don't understand. I love you. I thought you loved me."

"I do care for you. But I also love Mare. And I've never gotten over her."

"Mare doesn't love you. She's using you."

"Maybe you're right. I hope not. I have to give it another chance."

"I'm just supposed to wait until she dumps you again. Then pick up the pieces?"

"Don't wait. I can't promise I'll be back."

"Why?"

"You were a man."

"You found out."

"No thanks to you."

"I was, in another life. On the other side."

"On the other side?"

"On the other side of the great sexual divide. Joni Mitchell wrote that she knew life and love from both sides, but she really did see only the illusions. I've seen love and sexuality from both sides. And I know more than I ever wanted to."

"Why did you become a woman?"

"It was a mistake. Not my mistake. But a mistake I've had to live with."

"You lied to me."

"I was afraid - I didn't know -"

"I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I certainly can't right now."

"When Mare dumps you, please give us another chance."

"I won't promise. But if she dumps me again we'll see."

"I'll take that."

"Goodbye." They get up. Rachel kisses Pat on the forehead and briskly walks away.

Pat sits back down. Shakes her head, and cries.

...

Pat walks alone down the street. She looks in a store window. In the reflection she sees herself with Rachel, laughing and enjoying themselves. She looks in another store window, and sees a reflection of herself with Rachel holding hands and looking in each other's eyes. She walks along the waterfront, looks in the water and sees a reflection of herself with Rachel sitting on a bench, holding each other and kissing.

In her head, Pat hears Rachel's voice. "Then let's try to keep it this way - forever." There are tears in Pat's eyes.

Pat returns to her condo, walks into her bedroom, and looks at the empty bed. In the reflection of an adjacent mirror, she sees herself with Rachel, lying in bed together. Pat lies down on the bed, same side as she had been in the reflection, grabs the pillow from Rachel's side and hugs it. Pat lies there spoon-style on the bed with the pillow.

...

Pat sits at the bar, drinking alone and depressed, as Mare walks up.

"Hello, Pat."

"What do you want, Mare?"

"You look depressed. Why? Cause your little honey dumped you for someone better?

"Someone different, maybe. But not someone better."

"Face it, bitch. You're a loser in love."

"I may not have won my love but I'm not a loser."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"You know what a loser is? Someone who pisses on someone else's happiness. That is the loser. And that isn't me."

Mare snorts, smiles, turns, and walks away.

...

A week later, Lee walks into Pat's office. "You haven't come to the bar much lately."

"You know why."

"Mare is there. Parading around with Rachel. But still treating her like dirt."

"And Rachel puts up with it."

"Some women are slow learners."

"I can't stand to watch."

"Call it the triumph of wishful thinking over reality."

"I hope Mare doesn't hurt her too bad."

"Mare is Mare. And she's a selfish bitch at heart."

"Rachel probably hasn't even thought twice about me."

"There you're wrong. The other night she asked me where you were and how you had been."

"Small consolation."

"She does care for you."

"Great way to show it."

"She's going to play this hand as long as it lasts."

...

Mare and Rachel argue on one side of the dance floor. Mare holds hands with another woman.

"Why do you keep going off with these other women?"

"I never said you were the only one I'd ever love."

"If you really loved me, you wouldn't need them."

"And if you really loved me, you wouldn't mind sharing me with them - as long as you get your share too."

"You never really cared for me. You just wanted to hurt Pat."

"If that's what you think, maybe you should go back to Pat."

Rachel sits up straight, and tears begin to form in her eyes. "You're dumping me again."

"I'm saying you don't get all of me. If you're willing to share me, and have an open relationship, we can go on. Otherwise don't bother me."

Mare grabs the other woman by the waist and leaves. Rachel cries and slumps in her seat. Lee walks over and sits down by Rachel.

"I'm sorry."

"She has been spending more time with other women, and paying less attention to me."

"Mare is Mare. I don't know if she'll ever change."

"I don't know if she even cared about me. I think she just got jealous of Pat."

"That sounds like Mare."

"I'm not sure what to do."

"You know Pat will take you back. No questions."

"I love Pat, but I'm still angry and hurt that she wasn't honest with me, and I'm not sure I can trust her."

"It's your call, but if it were me, I'd give her another chance."

"I need to get my head on straight. And I got a call from my father. His cancer is back, and he only has a short time to live."

"Are you going to go see him?"

"I have to. Maybe I need to take a break from all this and figure out what I want."

"If you have to go, then go. But talk to Pat and tell her what you're doing. Don't keep her in the dark. Let me know how things go, and if I can help."

"I will. Thank you." Rachel kisses Lee on the cheek.

...

Pat and Rachel are at the airport as Rachel waits for her flight. "I'm sorry about what happened."

"That's okay. You loved her. You thought she cared for you."

"She didn't though. She just used me again. I'm an idiot."

"But now that's over."

"But father is dying, and I'm all he has. My mother died a few years ago, and we don't have any other close relatives. I have to go take care of him."

"How long?"

"I talked to his doctor. Two months, three months."

"I could come with you. I could help."

"You have a job. You have a life here."

"I don't have to work. I have money from the accident."

"I need to go by myself. I care for you, but I need to clear my head. Make sure I know what I really want. And decide if what I really want is you."

"How do I get by without you?"

"How did you get by before you met me? How did you get by when I dumped you for Mare?"

"Just barely."

"If it's the right decision for both of us, I'll be back. I do care for you. I just need to feel like I can trust you again."

"What about your teaching job?"

"Summer break is starting. I'll probably be back before classes start in the fall. If not, I have some leave coming. I couldn't possibly deprive my students of the meanest English teacher in the school."

"Meanest? You."

"Even mean to you, sometimes." Rachel kisses Pat.

"I still don't know how I'll make it."

"You'll make it. You've made it through worse."

"I really can't call?"

"Dad will be a full time chore. And I really need to get my head together."

"And I make that harder?"

"Not you. Trying to figure out where I want to be."

"Not with me?"

"I need to be absolutely certain. I care for you too much. And I know how much you love me. That can be so appealing that I might choose to be yours, even though I'm not certain. Then I might hurt you again, and I don't want to do that."

"I wish you could stay."

"And I wish I were ready to make that commitment. I will be back, one way or the other."

They get up, kiss, hug each other tightly, and Rachel leaves.

Back at the condo, Pat walks through the apartment to the bedroom. She lies down on her side of the bed, grabs the pillow from Rachel's side and hugs it. She lies there spoon-style on the bed with the pillow.

...

In a Hospice, Rachel's father lies in bed, while Rachel stands beside him.

"So you aren't ever going to come back permanently."

"I have a job and a life in the city."

"You need to find someone nice, and settle down."

"I did find someone nice, very nice."

"So will I get to meet them?"

"It isn't a him, it's a her."

"Your mother and I wondered whether you'd ever tell us."

"You knew?"

"We figured it out along the way."

"And you never said anything?"

"We were never quite sure what to say. We weren't even sure we should bring it up. You were our little girl and we loved you regardless. We didn't quite know how to even hint at it. Your mother and I talked and finally, decided that you'd tell us when you were ready. All we really wanted was for you to be happy. If being with a guy made you happy, great. If being with a woman made you happy, that was fine too."

"I guess I was stupid, I was just never sure how you would react."

"Not stupid, just unsure of yourself. We tried to tell you we loved you unconditionally. Maybe we should have done a better job of that. And we both know there are folks in this town who would still not react well to that kind of thing."

"I'm glad we were able to talk about it, while there was still time."

"So am I. So will I get the chance to meet your girlfriend?"

"We broke up."

"Why?"

"I can't talk about that right now, Dad. Besides, you need your rest."

Rachel tucks the covers around her father, and kisses him on the forehead.

"I'll be back later. You get some rest and behave."

"Like I have much choice. Besides, who's the parent here anyway?"

"Apparently it's me. I'll see you in a little while."

...

In the bar in the evening, Pat sits on a stool, and sips a drink. Syd walks up.

"You look like a girl in the dumps."

"What makes you think that?"

"Girl. You gotta shake off that funk."

"Girl. I've got a funk that ain't gonna be shook."

"Come on, let's dance. Like old times. Just dance."

"Thanks, Syd. I appreciate the thought but I'm not in the mood."

Pat shakes her head, turns back to her drink. Syd walks over to Lee standing nearby and shrugs.

Lee tells Syd, "She hasn't heard from Rachel since she left."

"I don't suppose you've heard anything?"

"Her Dad could go at any time."

"And her and Pat?"

"If she's decided, she won't tell me."

"So Miss Down-in-the-dumps, will stay there for at least a little longer?"

"That we can be pretty sure of. What it will take to break Pat out of this... I guess Rachel, or I'm not sure what else."

Syd and Lee shake their heads. Syd walks off. Pat sits alone at the bar.

...

Rachel's father lies in bed in the hospice, while Rachel stands beside him.

"So how are you doing today?"

"Not good. It just gets harder to keep going."

"I'm sorry we haven't spent more time together since I went away to school."

"You're an adult now. You have a life of your own to lead."

"I'll miss you."

"You need someone in your life."

"You're right."

"So why did you and your girlfriend break up?"

"She wasn't honest with me."

"She lied to you?"

"Lying by implication."

"About what?"

"She used to be a man."

"Does that bother you?"

"Yes, but it bothers me more that she didn't tell me."

"And why do you think she didn't?"

"Maybe she was afraid I'd leave her."

"Fear of losing love can make people do things they may not always be proud of. It can make people hide things that they should be open about."

"You're right."

"Why didn't you tell your mother and I about your sexuality? Were you afraid we wouldn't love you anymore?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure."

"What's important is, do you love her and does she love you?"

"Yes."

"Has she been good to you and honest with you apart from that?"

"She has."

"And she made no effort to tell you?"

"She told me but not until I confronted her when we broke up."

"People often have things they foolishly feel they need to hide. Like you tried to hide your sexuality from your mother and I. Now you have to make the decision as to what you can live with. But if you really love her, and she really loves you, don't lose that love over something you'd forgive anyhow."

...

Pat sits on the sofa, and sips a drink. There is a knock on the door. She walks to the door. She opens the door and Rachel walks in. Pat gestures towards the sofa and Rachel sits down at one end. Pat sits down at the other end.

"When did you get back in town?"

"Today. Thanks for letting me come over to talk. I wanted to see you in person."

"Deliver bad news face-to-face?"

"I wanted to talk privately in person to see how you feel."

"I love you, and I want to be with you."

"Why? There's lots of women at the club and elsewhere."

Pat slides down the sofa and hugs Rachel and holds her tight for a few seconds.

"You're special."

"I've had women tell me that before. And I only seemed to be special until they got tired of me."

"I'm not like that. You should know that by now. If I were, I'd have found myself another woman."

"Maybe you should have."

Pat looks hurt, and shakes her head. "I don't even know how to explain it. When we were together, you made me feel better than any other woman I've even known."

"Maybe you should get to know more women."

"You are sweet, and it just feels right being with you."

"Is that really enough? What happens when that feeling changes? People change and feelings change."

"Something about you feels so right that I really don't care. I stayed with Sherrie even after our relationship turned poisonous."

"Do you think we'll turn poisonous?"

"I don't think our relationship could ever be as bad as mine with Sherrie.

"So why did you stay with her?"

"I didn't want to hurt her or me. Even if I'm not madly in love with you, I'll be with you as long as we care about each other and are kind to one another."

"Easier to say than do."

"I'll do it. I've never met anyone like you and want to be with you. I hung in loving you even when you walked away from me. You are my one true love."

"I don't know if I believe in one true love, but if you want, we can try this again. I just want you to promise never to lie to me again - not directly and not by omission."

"I swear." They kiss and sit back against the sofa, arms around each other.

"Do you miss being a man?"

"Sometimes, but this was what I chose. And I don't regret it. If I had never become a woman, I'd have never have gotten to know you. I'd never have loved you. I'd never have gotten you love me. And I'd never have become your lover. When I'm with you, I know that you are my compensation. You're what I look forward to every morning and every night. If a genie appeared and told me I could be magically changed back to the way I was. But in doing so, I'd lose you, then I'd have to stay as I am."

Rachel kisses Pat. "And I love you too. I'm sorry for the life you lost."

"Don't be. I lost a part of my life. And I felt pretty lost for a while. But I found real love with you. And isn't that what it's all about anyhow?"

"It is for me."

...

Pat and Bob wear tuxes, and stand at the altar.

Bob speaks, "I didn't expect to be your best man again."

"So how is Heather handling this?"

"She agreed to be matron of honor. She likes Rachel. She's even getting used to you."

"It took how long?"

"Just be happy she lightened up."

Music starts. Lee walks Rachel down the aisle. Casey, Margaret, Syd, and Patty are sitting on the front row.

...

Pat and Rachel get coffee at the coffee shop and walk back to a table, when they run into Sherrie and Joe.

Rachel, dear, this is my ex-wife Sherrie and her friend Joe. Sherrie and Joe, this is Rachel, my wife."

Rachel holds out her hand to shake. "Nice to meet you."

Sherrie seems shocked. "Your wife?"

Joe is stunned. "You're that Pat? Sherrie's ex?"

"The same."

"I don't understand."

The other three almost in unison speak. "It's complicated."

Pat and Rachel laugh, look at each other, smile, and kiss.