Calm Ch. 05

The conversation stuttered and hobbled on until Tom's meds kicked in. He lost focus and fell asleep. When he hadn't spoken in a while, Ellie dared to stand up and get close to him again. His face looked peaceful. She wished she could see it as the same sleeping face that greeted her when she fled from her nightmares to the master bedroom. But it wasn't. This place wasn't home. Everything was white. There were machines, ugly tiles and an uncomfortably high bed. Each piece of furniture was ugly grey white.

She loved the master bedroom back home. It made her at peace for reasons she didn't fully understand yet. Maybe because it was beautiful. Maybe because it was safe. Maybe because it was Tom and Ruth's. They'd taken her in and had nursed her back to health. Going back outside had terrified her. The hospital had terrified her. He'd find her there.

Now she was here in the hospital. Her father was here as well. Before long he'd be locked up, never to threaten her again. And who had paid the price for freeing her? Tom. It'd be weeks before he fully recovered. He'd hurt. All because of her. She couldn't bear for him to see her. She wanted to be close to him, but she couldn't bring herself to get close enough to see the kindness in his eyes.

A little plastic cup landed on Ellie's head and startled her. She looked up to see Tom sitting up with his pillow propped behind his back. How? She hadn't heard him move in the bed. How long had she been out of it, thinking? She met his eyes and knew he could read her like a book. The tears she'd been holding back flooded down her cheeks, and she blurted out, "I'm so sorry."

She didn't get further than that before the dam burst and the guilt she carried inside finally wore away the last of her strong front. Tom said nothing. He waited. Minutes passed and Ellie's sobs grew quiet. "Ellie, come here."

She shook her head.

"Come here."

Another hard shake of her head.

"Ellie, come here. If you don't, I'll come to you."

Her head snapped up when she heard the sheets rustle. Panicked, she jumped up and hurried so she was by his bedside. "Don't!"

Tom smiled, took her shoulders and pulled her up against his chest. He ignored the pull on his stitches when she put up a token resistance and rested his cheek on the top of her head. "Let me tell you what's going to happen now, Ellie. For now, you'll stay here close to me. You'll get uncomfortable, and I'll hurt, but I won't let you go. You'll think all kinds of stuff that makes you think you can't be with me, and I'll just keep holding you. I know you think it's your fault. Fuck that, Ellie. You did an amazing job. Who knows what would've happened if you didn't step in like you did. I might've died." He squeezed her against him and grit his teeth. "I'm proud of you. And I want to thank you for saving me."

Her sobs ramped up again, and she grabbed handfuls of his flimsy robe, almost tearing it in her need to make something suffer the hurt she felt inside.

"Shush, Ellie. You're okay. We're okay. Nobody blames you for your father's actions. I never have and neither has Ruth. We love you, Ellie, and something minor like this won't change that. Don't insult us by thinking differently. Don't insult yourself by thinking you're not worth that much to us. I know we haven't been together that long, but I want you to know that you're something special to Ruth and me. Everything you got from us, we were happy to give. It made us proud to see you take every little step you've taken so far."

He stopped for a while to catch his breath and stroke Ellie's hair. "You're not alone anymore, Ellie. Or are you?"

Ellie shook her head against his chest and buried her face even deeper in his shoulder.

"Good. I still have more to tell you. Look up at me, Ellie."

She looked up at him with watery eyes, and he put the tip of his index finger in the middle of her forehead. "Every time I'm even a little suspicious that you're feeling guilty, every time you look at me in just that way that I don't want to see ever again, every time... you get the picture. I'll throw something at you, Ellie. I mean it."

Ellie stayed close to him until she felt like her back would never straighten again. Tom was in just as much displeasure, but neither of them mentioned it to the other. They talked little and eventually Tom released her and went back to sleep. Ellie pushed her chair against the edge of the bed and took his hand so she could rest her cheek against it as she kept her vigil.

Yes, this was a hospital. Yes, it was unpleasant to be here and even more so with her father so close by, but Tom was here and soon Ruth would be too. And they knew her now. They understood some of her and dealt with what they could handle.

Gratitude stomped out the guilt she'd felt. It was okay for her to mess up their lives a little because they loved her. She understood what she'd felt for Jeff, and she'd known he felt something back. But he'd been too young to give her what she needed, and he didn't even know what his Sis needed. Now she could hope for happiness.