Coming to Grips Ch. 04

Slowly Colby began to see a clearer picture. It wasn't surprising, but everything changed after David died. The happy mother who delighted in doing things with her children disappeared. As a way of surviving, she immersed herself in the church and God. Suzanne was part of that life, but never again the center. The hole that David's death left in the family was devastating. It couldn't be filled, especially for Suzanne. God wasn't the answer for her, all the more so as she tried to deal with her emerging sexuality. The connection with her mother was lost. She went from small town conservative to religious fanatic. There might never have been a point where it was easy to talk to her mother about her feelings, but after that it was impossible.

Talking about her mom and David took everything out of Suzanne. She stopped speaking and just sat there. Colby could see her starting to succumb to exhaustion. It wasn't the first time. Over the last couple of days, she catnapped every few hours. Colby was certain that was partially why Suzanne wasn't sleeping well at night but there didn't seem much to do about it.

"Here, Suzanne," Colby said as she patted her lap. "Put your head down here."

There was no protest on Suzanne's part. She already found it hard to keep her eyes open. Sliding down the couch, she found a comfortable spot on her side with her head nestled on Colby's lap. She felt Colby's fingers touching her hair, pulling it back away from her face. Colby kept on running her fingers through Suzanne's hair.

"That feels nice," Suzanne muttered. It reminded her a bit of when she was little. For a moment, the feeling threatened to turn back into tears, but the tiredness won. She was asleep a few seconds later.

Continuing to stroke her friend's head, Colby watched her sleep. All the crying left her looking wan and pale. Her face was blotchy from the tears, with puffy eyes. It didn't matter to Colby. She was so lovely. "Damn, I've really fallen for her, haven't I?" she thought to herself.

It wasn't just that she was reacting to Suzanne's vulnerability. "I love being with her. She's smart, funny and quick. She's talented, and she has no idea how beautiful and sexy she is. God help me if she ever decides to flirt with me," she told herself. "What am I going to do?"

Colby couldn't think of any good answers. Right now, Suzanne needed her as a friend. Again. It would have to be enough. "Plus, she's not ready for someone yet," Colby thought to herself. The demons Suzanne was wrestling were weakening but they weren't gone. Colby shied away from wondering if they ever would be.

As she felt the strands of Suzanne's hair slip through her fingers, Colby sighed. It was neither a happy nor a sad sigh. It simply reflected the complexity of her situation. On top of everything else, there was the issue of working together. "I don't care and I bet Jim wouldn't, but Suzanne would. She is so buttoned down about things like that," Colby thought. It would be easier if Colby didn't love the job, but she did.

Sure that Suzanne was asleep, Colby allowed herself to brush the back of her fingers against Suzanne's cheek. "Loving you isn't easy, is it?" she whispered. It was barely audible. After a moment, Colby picked up a book she found on Suzanne's shelves and started to read it again. It wasn't the first time Suzanne had fallen asleep next to her.

Later that day, Suzanne got a text from her father. It gave the details on the memorial service on Sunday. She looked over at Colby. "He can't even call me about this. To tell me about my mother's funeral, he texts me!" Her face reflected the anguish she was feeling. "I knew that my coming out would cut me off from them," she said with her voice breaking as she said "them." There was no them anymore. "I didn't really understand what it would mean or how bad it would be."

Colby came over and took her friend in her arms. The hug she gave was completely platonic, although she longed to make it something more. "I'm driving you, Suzanne. I'll stay in the car if that is what you want, but I'm not leaving you to do this alone," she said.

Suzanne could tell that there was no changing her mind, not that she wanted to. Her father left her alone; she needed someone. "Thank you. And you don't have to wait in the car. You didn't know her but funerals are about the living." Suzanne looked at Colby. "Thank you for everything, Colby. I couldn't make it through this without you. I don't know what I would have done," she said. Her eyes clouded as she hugged Colby again.

For the most part, Colby avoided tears of her own over the last two days, but Suzanne's last words brought back her worst fears. Despite a tough image, Colby knew how fragile Suzanne was. Colby was there to help and support her friend, but more than anything she was there because she was afraid of what Suzanne might do. As Suzanne tightly hugged her, Colby let the tears come. The pent up worry was always there. It was a relief to get it out.

"I am always going to be there for you," Colby said. "You're my best friend and that's what best friends do."

"I'm lucky," Suzanne softly said. "Not only in having such a good friend, but to have you now. I've never had a friend as supportive as you, not even Chloe. She loved me, I know, but she never really tried to understand what I was going through. I don't blame her. I was so horrible and she was just trying to talk to me. All she knew was that I was hurting her, and myself. Her mom was so great; I don't think she could grasp the idea that I would lose my family. It wasn't in the realm of possibilities for her." Suzanne sighed. "But it was for me, and I couldn't take that chance, not back then."

She slowly broke apart from Colby and sat back down on the sofa. Looking up, Suzanne shook her head. "It wasn't just a chance, was it? I came out and I lost my family."

"Maybe after a while, that will change. Your dad's alone now. He may find that he needs you, sweetie," Colby said. She knew it sounded weak, but it was all she could offer. Besides, she thought there was a reasonable chance of it happening. Suzanne nodded but didn't say anything more. Finally, she picked up a book of her own and tried to read it. Colby joined her and the two of them read for the rest of the afternoon. Colby made much more progress in her book than Suzanne, but she took it as a good sign that Suzanne didn't nap again. Tomorrow would be a tough day and getting a good night's sleep would help Suzanne to get through it. Colby would spend the night in the guest room to help make sure that she slept.

The next morning Colby was up relatively early. She made coffee before popping her head in to look at Suzanne. Curled up in the middle of her bed, she clutched a pillow and held it to her body. "Lucky pillow," Colby thought to herself. Leaving Suzanne to get a little more rest, Colby got a little breakfast of granola, yoghurt and fruit together. They were both going to need the energy today.

Going back into the bedroom, Colby climbed onto the bed. "Wake up sweetie," she said as she reached out to brush the hair away from Suzanne's face. After a moment, Suzanne stirred and mumbled a sleepy protest. Grabbing Colby's hand, Suzanne pulled it close so she could use it as a pillow. Colby toppled a little closer.

"Suzanne, time to get up," she said with a laugh.

"Don't wanna," Suzanne muttered. She snuggled down in the bed, pulling Colby even closer.

"Sweetie, I don't want to make you either, but we've got to eat, shower, get dressed and then drive up to the service. I let you sleep as long as I could," Colby told her.

Suzanne's eyes fluttered open. She hadn't expected Colby to be that close to her. Her beautiful face was floating only a few inches away, well within range of kissing. The temptation was strong, but the thought was fleeting. "I know she wants it, but she deserves better than me. She doesn't need damaged goods," Suzanne told herself. Rolling on to her back helped by giving them a little separation. Loosening her grip on Colby's hand, Suzanne slowly let it slip out of her fingers. She gave a long sigh.

"What was that one for?" Colby asked.

Looking over at her friend, Suzanne gave her a little sad smile. "Everything," was the only explanation that she offered.

Colby nodded. "Okay," she replied. "I've got something for you to eat all ready. Let's start there," she said. At the grimace Suzanne made, her look got a little sterner. "No arguments. Skipping eating isn't an option when I am around," she scolded Suzanne as she got up off the bed.

"Yeah, yeah. I know," Suzanne said as she rubbed her eyes. "I'll be out in a minute. Just need to go pee."

Colby went back into the kitchen. She wasn't completely sure that she wouldn't have to go and roust Suzanne one more time, but after a little bit she heard her up and about in the bathroom. "Good. I hate feeling like I'm a nag," she thought as she poured herself a second cup of coffee.

The rest of the morning went by fairly fast. There was not much time to waste. Colby only had to push a little to keep them on schedule. It was a little tougher to get Suzanne to eat. It wasn't that she was uncooperative; struggling with nausea, Suzanne had to force down each bite. For a few moments when she was in the bathroom right before leaving, Suzanne thought she might throw it all back up. Closing her eyes, she managed to get her stomach under control. "Don't ... don't," she chanted to herself. "You'll worry Colby." It was that thought that helped the most.

Suzanne mustered a weak smile as she came out and put on her jacket and overcoat. It was a stereotypical Seattle day, cool, overcast, and a little drizzle of rain; perfect weather for a funeral.

The ride up to her hometown was unusually quiet. Most of the time, Suzanne just stared out the window. When she spoke, it was usually to give directions. Since it was a Sunday, traffic was not an issue and the drive went relatively quickly. They got to the church a little ahead of schedule.

"Let's just stay here for a few minutes," Suzanne said. "I doubt my father really wants me to be around early." She sighed deeply. "What a depressing feeling to be unwelcome at your own mother's memorial service."

Reaching over, Colby took her hand and squeezed it. "Yeah, it just makes a bad situation worse. I know we talked and I'll stay in the background. Remember though, if you need me, I'm here."

"Thanks, Colby. Daddy is going to make wrong assumptions about you no matter, but I don't want to make it worse." Suzanne felt tears threatening. This time it wasn't sorrow but frustration that caused them. She wasn't going to get any comfort from her father, and to try to keep peace, she couldn't lean on Colby either.

They sat in the car for 10 minutes, listening to the rain on the roof and watching people arrive. The rain was a little harder now, accompanied by a light fog. A feeling of nostalgia came over Suzanne. It reminded her of so many of the days when she came here as a child with her family. A little smile came to her lips as she recalled her mother trying to keep her from getting dirty when she was little. "Everything was so simple then," she whispered. All Colby could do was give her hand another squeeze.

As they sat, Suzanne watched people arrive. Most of them were well known to her. They were people she knew all her life, mostly of her parents' generation or older. A few of them, she pointed out to Colby, like her old piano teacher, and the parents of a few closer friends.

"Oh," Suzanne suddenly said.

"What?" Colby asked, surprised by the dismay in Suzanne's voice.

"You see the woman walking to the door with the black hat?" Suzanne said.

Looking over, Colby picked out the woman with ease. She was older but still lovely. Her outfit was perfectly matched, giving her a level of class that was higher than most of the other women she had seen. "Yes, who is she?" Colby asked.

Glancing at Colby with a stricken look, Suzanne replied. "It's Chloe's mom. It never occurred to me that Gayle would be here. I should have known. She was friends with Mom since high school. I just didn't think about it." She felt a renewed wave of nausea and opened the door, in case she lost it. As she deeply breathed in the cool moist air, she felt Colby rubbing her back. The reassuring reminder of her support helped. Suzanne fought the need to throw up. Finally, she shut the door and leaned back.

"I'm so fucked up," she said. It was mostly to herself.

"No you aren't," Colby said as she got out her makeup and did a little repair on Suzanne's face from where she wiped her hand. "You have a lot of stuff to deal with right now. Give yourself a break." When she finished fixing Suzanne's makeup, she smiled. "It's time. Are you ready?"

"As much as I ever will," Suzanne said and then opened the door again. Colby was already waiting for her in front of the car. Not being from Washington, she had an umbrella out. At first, Suzanne ignored it and just started walking towards the entrance to the church. Then she paused and let Colby catch up with her. Most people would have seen it only as staying dry. Being close to her friend was Suzanne's real reason. As soon as they reached the door, she would have to leave that security behind.

As she came through the entrance, Suzanne saw her mother's brother and sister. They were greeting everyone as they arrived. Both her aunt and uncle were younger than her mother had been. It had been a couple of years since she had seen her aunt, but her heart caught at the sight of her. Although she always resembled her sister, Suzanne was struck by the similarities now. It reminded her of how her mother looked in high school, especially since her aunt had gained some weight. Her uncle was the only one of the three who managed to stay trim. Unlike her mom, they both moved away and it was rare that they made it back home. After their parents passed away, there was even less reason.

When Suzanne's uncle saw her, the smile on his face seemed to lift his whole body up. She felt herself smiling in return. Which one of them was Suzanne's favorite was obvious. The feeling was mutual. Although he would never say it, he liked Suzanne best of all his nieces and nephews. He waved her over and gave her a big hug.

"How are you doing, Suzy?" he asked. He was the only one who ever called her that. It started when she was a baby and she never even thought to tell him to stop.

"It's hard, Uncle Peter. Well, I'm sure you know how hard," Suzanne said as she squeezed him tight. She felt herself on the brink of tears again.

Peter pushed her back a little so he could look at her. Despite the good job Colby did with her makeup, he could see the dark circles under her eyes. He didn't think that they were only from the last few days. "No, Suzy. I don't think I know how hard it is for you," he said sadly.

"Hi Aunt Katie," Suzanne said as she turned to her aunt.

"Hello Suzanne," her aunt replied. Her tone was slightly formal, telling Suzanne that nothing changed with her. Just as religious as her sister, small town eastern Oregon had not altered her much. When they hugged, it was brief and lacked any semblance of warmth.

"Are Uncle Bill and the kids here?" Suzanne asked.

Letting go and stepping away, she looked over Suzanne's shoulder at Colby before answering. "No, it was too fast. You father wanted to have it today. Plus they have school. I just drove up by myself. Bill stayed to take care of them." Suzanne realized that her eyes were still on Colby.

"Pardon me. Let me introduce a friend from work. This is Colby. She was nice enough to drive me," Suzanne said. She cringed inside. "She is so much more than that," she thought. "I just can't say that, not to them." She sighed. "Not even to her."

After the introductions were done, Suzanne's uncle took her by the elbow. "Suzy, I need to talk to you for a second." They walked into a small room set off from the entryway. "I'm sorry, but your father asked me to talk to you. He doesn't want you to sit with him. I called him a bastard, but he is as hard headed as he ever has been. Say hi to him, but then sit on the opposite side." He looked over his shoulder at Colby who was hovering just out of earshot. "I suppose your friend can sit there too. When I'm done, I'll come sit by you too. I don't want anyone to think I agree with him."

Once again, Suzanne felt like someone smacked her in the face. Even today, her father wanted to show his rejection of her. Not just show it, he wanted to emphasize it. She pushed past her uncle. "I'm sorry, Uncle Peter, I need to get to the restroom." Not needing to ask where it was, she made it there just in time to throw up in one of the stalls. Colby was right there with her, holding back her hair and making sure that she couldn't get any on her.

"I'm sorry. I've been fighting that all morning," Suzanne said as she knelt on the floor.

"Oh sweetie, you don't have anything to apologize for. You are the one owed an apology," Colby told her. Pulling out one of the handkerchiefs she brought along, Colby wiped around Suzanne's mouth. "Are you done or is there more?" Her beautiful eyes were full of concern.

After thinking, Suzanne shook her head. "I think that is all," she said. After trying once on her own, she let Colby help her back to her feet. Her eyes automatically looked in the toilet and she felt her stomach roll. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the stall and willed it back under control. It helped that Colby reached past her and flushed the vomit away. When Suzanne opened her eyes, the nausea had retreated until it was just an underlying distraction.

"Come on, sweetie," Colby said as she took Suzanne's hand and led her out of the stall. "Put your hand under the faucet and get some water to wash your mouth out." Suzanne obeyed. Swishing the water around her mouth, she closed her eyes again as she spat it out. She didn't need to see any remnants. After that, she drank down a few more gulps of water. Each one helped her feel a little more normal.

Giving Colby a weak smile, she nodded again. "Okay, let's get this over with." She fought the urge to give Colby a long hug. If someone came in, she would just misunderstand it. Releasing a long breath, Suzanne opened the door and walked out. Out of the periphery of her vision, she saw the concern on her uncle's face but she ignored it. His sympathy wouldn't help her get through the encounter with her father, welcome as the sympathy was.

Walking down the aisle, she could see her father standing by the pews in front. His mother was sitting down already. Although she knew her last grandparent would be there, her stomach did another flip flop. As much as she loved her, Suzanne's grandmother always frightened her. Like most of her family, she wasn't shy about her belief in God but she was the only grandparent who felt like she needed to enforce it. Occasionally while she was growing up, Grandma Ethel watched the kids while their parents took a short vacation by themselves.

Her parents sometimes gave Suzanne or David a mild spanking, but the humiliation was usually worse than the pain. That wasn't good enough for Grandma Ethel. Even her spankings hurt, but if the offense was egregious enough, she picked up the switch that always leaned up in a corner of her bedroom. When she was five, Suzanne broke a cookie jar while trying to sneak an extra cookie. It was the only time that she ever got switched. After the first one, Suzanne screamed so loud that David heard her from outside and came running. By the time he found them upstairs, his grandma was finishing the fifth and final stroke.

There was nothing David could do that time, except for comforting his sobbing sister. Even complaining to their parents did no good. "I was switched when I was little. It never did me any permanent harm but I can tell you it sure motivated me to behave," his father told David.