Faith, Friendship, and Passion Ch. 03

Eventually, the tears slowed and I pulled away from her enough to look her in the eyes. I said, "I love you...and that will never change. We'll just have to figure out the rest." I leaned forward, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then we collapsed back into each other's arms.

After another long period of time sitting in stillness holding each other, I began to fidget beneath Rebecca. She pulled away from our embrace and said, "What's wrong?"

I cautiously responded, "My legs are falling asleep," to which Rebecca broke out in hardy laughter and stood up.

"I'll be right back," she said as she walked toward the bathroom.

I stretched my legs forward and shifted my weight in the chair in an attempt to make the tingling sensation go away. After it subsided a few minutes later, I stood to look down over the city streets.

I heard the click of the bathroom door opening and turned to see Rebecca in one of the fluffy white hotel bathrobes. She had taken off her nylon stockings and was barefoot. She looked at me and said, "I don't mean to be presumptuous but I would really like to stay here with you tonight. I really don't want to be alone."

I smiled. "I would like that very much. However, I think we just set some new rules for what that means."

Rebecca let out a small giggle that did my heart good. It was the first small glimpse of her usually bubbly personality that I had witnessed since before the Children's Museum.

We had both had enough stress for the day and decided to sit and watch a movie on TV. Rebecca fluffed pillows on the bed and settled in on top of the covers. She looked very comfortable in the bathrobe so I headed to the bathroom to put one on as well. When I did, I noticed Rebecca's sweater dress and nylon stockings piled on a corner of the bathroom counter. I reprimanded myself for wondering if she was still wearing her bra and panties. It took all the self-control I could muster to not look through the pile on the counter.

I stripped off all my clothes, except for boxers, and put on one of the white fluffy robes. It was clearly too small for someone of my height. The robe closed around my torso but wouldn't have stayed shut without being tied at the waist. It was also very short and didn't reach much lower than my boxers.

I opened the door and went out to join Rebecca. When she saw me, she began laughing hysterically. I waved my hand at her as if to say, "Ah, be quiet," and walked around to the other side of the bed. I made several attempts to sit on the bed without the robe creeping up or falling open. This only served to further feed Rebecca's boisterous laughing.

I gave up, threw the robe on the floor, and crawled into place on the bed only wearing my boxers. While still laughing, Rebecca looked at me and raised an eyebrow in a mock sternness.

I responded teasingly, "Stop it. It's not like you haven't seen all this before."

Rebecca flipped through the channel guide and attempted to find a movie that wouldn't make us think about love or loss. We eventually settled on "U.S. Marshalls," As I found out later in the movie, she readily agreed to the choice because of Tommy Lee Jones. I commented to her that he doesn't seem like GQ material and went on to question why so many women find him attractive. She gave a long-winded explanation about rugged looks, stoicism, and well-timed humor. I just shrugged my shoulders.

During the next commercial, Rebecca turned toward me and very sincerely said, "I have a movie star crush on Tommy Lee Jones. I'd much rather be with you though. You're my real fantasy."

I smiled, took her hand in mine and said, "You're my fantasy too. I'm so glad that fantasy became reality for a little while."

I kissed her on the cheek and we watched the rest of the movie with fingers intertwined hand-in-hand. When the movie was over, I began flipping channels looking for something else to watch. After a few minutes of searching without finding anything interesting, we decided we were both exhausted from the emotion of the evening and ready for sleep anyway.

I hit the power button on the remote control and the room went dark except for the city lights coming through the windows. We both stood up from the bed and pulled the covers back. I climbed under them and lay on my side facing Rebecca. While standing next to the bed, she untied the white hotel bathrobe and let it fall off her shoulders onto the floor. She was completely nude. Without any appearance of awkwardness, she slid under the covers, fluffed her pillow, and settled onto her side facing me.

I loved seeing her nude but thought it a little inappropriate given the conversations we had over the course of the evening. I didn't want to make it an awkward issue and just did my best to ignore it.

After a couple minutes of laying face to face, Rebecca rolled over to lay on her side with her back toward me. Once settled into place, she softly said, "Please hold me."

Without saying anything, I scooted forward to lay behind her in a spooning position. I slid one arm under her torso and put the other over top to hug her from behind. It was difficult to ignore the softness of her breasts pressed against my arms. After a few minutes, Rebecca gently said, "Take your boxers off. I want to be close to you. I need to feel your body against mine."

I hesitated and began to open my mouth in protest to where I suspected this would lead. Rebecca stopped me before I could speak by meekly offering, "...please..."

I conceded and reached down with my hand that was on top of her to push my boxers down to my knees. I kicked them the rest of the way off before returning to my previous position behind her. I wrapped her back into my arms and held her tightly.

At first, I was acutely aware of my flaccid organ sandwiched against the soft skin of her backside. However, as the minutes passed, I was more aware of our physical and emotional closeness. Strangely, the experience was not sexual at all. It was rather a pure expression of our intense love. It really felt as if we were one body, mind, and soul in that moment. It was the one and only time I ever experienced that feeling with someone.

We laid as one for a very long time before drifting into a deep, exhausted slumber.

*********

Sunday morning we woke up, quickly dressed, and said our painful goodbyes. There was incredible love between us but also a very strong sexual tension. We knew we had better say goodbye quickly.

Rebecca's conference continued until early afternoon on Sunday and she would drive home later in the afternoon. I packed quickly and headed home to meet Trisha and the girls for lunch after church. It was a challenging drive to say the least. I cried like a baby most of the way home. It was only as I approached the Chicago metro area that I forced myself to stop. I didn't want to look like I had been crying when I arrived at the restaurant.

Luckily, I arrived before Trisha and the girls and had a chance to splash some water on my face in the men's room. By the time I was finished, my eyes were only a little red and could easily pass for just being tired.

It was good to see the girls again and listening to their stories about the last few days gave me momentary reprieve from the pain of losing Rebecca.

*********

Weeks and months passed. I occasionally saw Rebecca coming and going from her driveway and continued to help her with trash on Wednesday nights. We verbally expressed our love for each other whenever we saw each other. Our strong emotional bond didn't seem to fade and the physical desire between us was stronger than ever. We were good though and resisted our physical urges.

However, I didn't do as well restraining my emotional love for her. One spring day, I was outside cleaning up the yard when Rebecca's family came home from a shopping trip. Like usual, the kids scurried into the house. Jonathan took position on a porch chair with a book and watched Rebecca struggle with an obviously heavy box of something in the van.

I couldn't take it. I went over and carried the box inside the garage for her. Then after she went in the house, I stomped over to the front porch and proceeded to loudly reprimand Jonathan like I had done during the early winter snowfall.

**********

A few more weeks passed and life continued on as normal. One Thursday, I received a text message from Trisha that simply said, "Would you mind watching the girls Saturday afternoon?"

I replied back, "Sure. Why?"

My stomach dropped down to my feet when I saw the next message. "Rebecca next door asked me to go to Exhale spa with her."

I knew they talked occasionally when they saw each other outside but this would be the first time I was aware of that they intentionally did something together. What was going on? I knew there was no way Rebecca would tell Trisha about us. Still, the possibility, no matter how remote, made my stomach turn. I obviously wasn't ready to deal with the issue yet.

*********

Saturday came and I nervously waited for Trisha and Rebecca to return home from the spa. I still had no idea what was going on.

Trisha came home and I analyzed every move she made and every word she said. From what I could tell, she was acting completely normal which was much more than I could say for myself. We put the girls down to bed and I went down to the living room to watch some TV. Trisha stayed upstairs for a while before I heard her footsteps coming down the stairs. When I saw her, she was wearing a little silk babydoll that I hadn't seen since very early in our marriage. That night, we had sex for the first time in over a year. It was still the normal missionary, passionless sex we had always had but at least it was sex.

I didn't enjoy it at all, partially because it was passionless and partially because I spent the whole time wondering if there was an ulterior motive behind it. Nothing was said though. We finished and went to sleep.

To my amazement, Trisha initiated sex again the next night. It was then I knew for a fact something was amiss. I had to ask. After we finished and were lying in bed, I inquired, "What has gotten into you? The entire time we have been married, we have never had sex two nights in a row."

Trisha matter-of-factly said, "I have just come to the conclusion that I have to deal with my past and overcome what my parents taught me about sex. I know it has hurt you and hurt our marriage."

I looked at her in shock and asked, "I'm glad you feel that way but why now? We've been married a very long time."

"I've been thinking about it ever since that horrible, judgmental visit from my parents at Christmas. Then a friend said something to me that made me realize I had to overcome it."

I could feel my skin becoming clammy but stilled pushed the issue, "What did your friend say?"

"She just made me realize how my issues must be hurting you and our marriage."

I left it at that and didn't push any further.

*********

The next Wednesday I waited eagerly for Rebecca to pull into her driveway after church. When she did, I was over there the moment the kids were in the house and the door was shut behind them.

As I approached, I quietly but firmly asked, "What is going on?!?!?"

Rebecca smiled and said, "Calm down. I didn't tell her anything."

"Well, what did you say?!? We had more sex in the last week than we had in whole year before that."

Rebecca giggled and quipped, "Well, with her anyway."

I furrowed my brow and made it clear I wasn't amused.

"Stop," she said before continuing, "I told her I was becoming really frustrated with Jonathan and needed someone to talk to. I said I had a gift certificate for the spa and would really like it if she would go with me. When we were there, I vented about Jonathan being a jerk and how I felt our marriage was in a downhill spiral, all of which was completely true by the way. Trisha comforted me by explaining all marriages have their challenges and went on to tell me about her upbringing and legalistic ideas about sex. She confided in me about how she has always feared you would leave her because of it."

She gave a knowing look and continued, "I told her about a friend of mine 'from my church' that was in a very similar situation and her husband was driven to find emotional and physical love elsewhere. I said it ultimately destroyed their family. I was quite honest and told her I believed you were a better man than to leave your marriage but that it had to be hurting your relationship."

I was shocked. "How did you know what to say?"

"The same way you knew what to say to Jonathan...I love you and I was angry about how you were being treated."

"Thank you. I love you too," I paused before adding, "and I want you incredibly bad right now."

She laughed and said, "I know. I've felt that same way since you lectured Jonathan the other night."

We both knew we couldn't, or at least shouldn't, do anything about it. I took her trashcans to the curb and went home.

*********

That was all several years ago and a lot has changed since then. Trisha changed shifts at the hospital and we are now both home in the evenings together. We are building an emotional relationship together again. We are a long way from a perfect marriage but we're working on it.

I also have to give Trisha a tremendous amount of credit for how far she has come in working through her issues about sex. We now have sex a couple times a month. It is still very reserved and nowhere near the passionate, eager experiences I had with Rebecca. However, she is making progress and I'm good with that. It means a lot that our relationship is worth enough to her to make the effort. It also means a lot to me that Rebecca occasionally challenges Trisha to keep making progress.

Life has changed a lot for Rebecca too. Jonathan has lightened up...a little...on his legalistic religious beliefs and has become slightly less of a jerk. Of course, that has been encouraged by an occasional lecture from me when I see him being a jackass. They now attend a different church and he helps out a little more around the house. Although still very conservative, Rebecca now wears normal clothes rather than the old frumpy dresses.

Jonathan has also lightened up about whom they associate with. Our kids are now best friends and are inseparable. In fact, that is a large reason as to why Trisha was able to switch her shifts at work. Our two girls play over at their house for a couple hours after school until Trisha and I get home from work.

Trisha and Rebecca have become pretty good friends ever since they confided in each other at the spa. I have to be honest, that has made me nervous but Rebecca has repeatedly reassured me that she won't tell until we are both ready...and she always quickly follows that with a statement that she isn't ready yet. I'm not sure when we will be ready but we will still have to cross that bridge sometime.

Rebecca and I don't see each other alone as much anymore since their church and Trisha's work schedules are different. However, time and absence haven't lessened my feelings for her. I am still deeply in love with Rebecca and have to restrain my physical desire for her on a daily basis. I know she feels the same way. The separation of our love is extremely painful but we know it is the right thing to do for our families. It hurts but we both know we would do the same thing if we had it to do over again.