Goes Without Saying Pt. 02

This time he saw a definite look of disappointment cross her face before she covered it, which further confused him. Surely she would enjoy the freedom?

-

Chapter 11

"So," said David's mother, as they sat in the living room when they had put the children to bed after a tiring day for his parents. "Have you decided when Beth will be Christened?"

"No," he replied. "Life has been pretty hectic these last few weeks."

"You're looking much better," said his father.

"Thanks to Celia," David said.

His father looked surprised. "Celia?" he asked.

"I told you Celia had moved in with David," said David's mother. "Honestly. James, you don't listen to a word I say!"

"It was a plot by Alex - you remember Alex - and Cecilia. She applied for the job of nanny and housekeeper."

James snorted in disbelief. "I thought you'd learned your lesson there."

"That's all she is, Dad," David replied hotly. "She was always close friends with Gwen, and the children knew her well. It seemed the best solution - better than risking a stranger. And she's bloody good with Bethan: she is always talking to her, playing games with her."

"Hmm" was the reply. David could not help thinking that something 'went without saying' by his father, and indeed was not said!

So David shrugged, and the conversation returned to the subject of the Christening. Evan had been christened in Wales at the family's chapel, but David thought it would be fitting to have Bethan christened in the Chapel from where Gwen had been buried. He made up his mind to go to Wales and sound out his in-laws about the plan.

As the car drew to a halt on the drive of David's house on that rainy Sunday afternoon, Celia was standing on the step to welcome the family home. Evan ran to her and hugged her happily, while David brought Bethan to her. Bethan gurgled and smiled broadly as Celia took her from David, carrying her into the house. Evan chattered away to her about his weekend, while Celia cooed and loved the baby. David brought in the cases and stood looking at the scene of domesticity before him. This was home. He felt a surge of warmth and affection, and peaceful happiness.

Then he thought of Gwen and felt surprise that there arose no guilt, no regret. Indeed it was as if he was sharing it with her. It was good that the children were happy, that they had a caring foster mother and a happy father. It was as if the string of bereavement which had always pulled him back into guilt had at last snapped.

He stopped. He could have sworn he felt Gwen near him, and more importantly, felt her approval for what he was doing. Feeling so full of emotion, he suddenly realised that Celia was looking at him with concern.

"David," she said, "are you all right? You look... well, I don't know... different."

"Yes," he said quietly, "It's good, more than good, brilliant, to be home and see you three happy together."

Her face shone with happiness and pride at that. It was artless and open, with no hidden agenda. Just at that brief moment, something changed in him; he was aware of it. Then Evan shouted from the living room wanting the TV. Life intruded again and all was business and activity, but with a pervading sense of peace.

A week later, Alex invited him for a drink again, and they arranged for the Thursday. This time Alex was not alone.

There was Ozzy. Where Alex and David were both fit, slim and muscular, Ozzy was a barrel. He was short in stature and had a paunch cultivated over a decade of committed drinking. He fitted the caricature of the fat man, being always of a happy and cheerful disposition. However his social skills were in short supply, and his comments were often misjudged, insensitive and inappropriate. There were iften times when what he had said would have better gone without saying.

David had known Bill from school days, and they had reconnected after university. He was tall, dark and, yes, handsome. He had been a good friend, generous, easy going with a dry sense of humour. Unfortunately his good looks and easy going nature had led him into an affair with a colleague, and his wife had divorced him. He was not quite so cheerful now, but Alex and David had stood by him without judging him. As Alex said, the divorce was punishment enough.

He stood and came to David, "It is so good to see you out and about again, I hope you are going to make a habit of it!"

"Hope to," said David, shaking him by the hand and giving him a hug.

Sally and Tony had broad smiles on their faces.

"Great to see you again," said Tony who in turn shook his hand and hugged him. Tony was another friend from university days, and had married Sally soon after they graduated. Sally hugged and kissed him. Looking worriedly into his eyes, before letting him go.

Greg was there with Vanessa his wife, who had brought Sally along for female support. Sally, Vanessa and Susan close friends.

Susan was full of sympathy and compassion. "David darling, how are you? We all miss Gwen so much. It hit you hard being so sudden and all?"

Alex was shooting angry looks at her, willing her to keep off the subject, fearing that bringing it up would turn David off coming out again. David noticed. Such sympathy did not bother him any more, in fact it was consoling, and that surprised him.

"It's all right, Alex," David said with a smile, "No more need for kid gloves."

Then to Susan, "Yes, you're right, she was my life and I didn't cope so well, and I'm afraid I rather cut you folk off. I apologise. I can talk about her now."

"Kids all right?" asked Bill, and David knew why he asked: he had limited visiting rights to his own after the divorce.

"Yes, they're fine," he said smiling.

"I hear you're back with Celia already," Ozzy said with a laugh. "Quick work!"

There was a frozen horrified silence. David looked and felt embarrassed, uncertain as to how to react. Alex relieved him of the trouble.

"Celia and I conned him into taking her on as a housekeeper and nanny," he said with a frown and an air of teaching the stupid. "He was reluctant to search for a nanny, but Evan knows Celia, so she managed to persuade him to take her on."

"I bet she did!" laughed Ozzy, not known for taking hints.

David did react this time.

"Exactly what are you saying Ozzy?" he asked with dark menace; there was no humour any more. There was now acute discomfort in the group.

Ozzy was surprised, then worried. "Well... I..."

"Come on Ozzy," growled David, "You just made a very insulting remark about Celia's character and she's not here to defend herself, so explain. You seem to know something about her intentions we don't. How exactly did she 'persuade' me, Ozzy? Eh?"

Ozzy's discomfort was obvious to all, and everyone was waiting for his explanation. What he said came as a complete surprise to David.

"Everyone knows-"

"I don't," interjected David.

"OK, everyone but you David knows, that Celia is hot for you. She was always saying how she'd made the biggest mistake of her life in falling for that footballer, and she wished she could turn back the clock, but by then you were engaged to Gwen, you married her and started a family. The girls will tell you she kept well clear of you because it hurt her that she'd lost you. So what I meant was she'd fall over herself to be near you now that..."

Ozzy stopped, afraid to mention Gwen's death.

The whole group now sat in uncomfortable silence, all except David who was in shock.

Susan broke the silence. "It's true, David, Celia was always saying how much she still loves you. She does doesn't she Sally?"

"Yeah," Sally agreed. "She's never really moved on. She's had a few dates, let's face it she can never go out for an evening without some guy hitting on her, but she's never settled."

"Alex," said David accusingly, "Did you know about these feelings of hers?"

Alex nodded. "It's true David, I thought you'd have seen it in her by now."

"So this was some sort of plot, to trick me? To get her with me?" David asked him, his face dark.

"Plot? For God's sake no!" Alex hastened to reassure him. "Celia really did just want to help. She felt an obligation to Gwen who asked her to be Godmother to the baby - I remember that because they both told me - and Celia had promised to care for you and the family if anything happened to Gwen, 'cos that's what Godparents do. They didn't believe anything would ever happen, but it was said."

"Yeah," snarled David, "That's the story she's been spinning, but underneath it all she has another agenda hasn't she? Hasn't she?" With that he leapt to his feet and strode rapidly from the pub.

"Well done, Ozzy," sighed Alex, "You've just set David back months. You've messed everything up for him, for Celia and for the children. One day you'll learn to think before you open your big gob."

While chaos reigned in the pub as everyone tried to make sense of what had happened, David was striding home in high dudgeon. He seethed as he walked muttering how deceived he'd been by his so called best friend, and the scheming bitch who had wormed her way into his family. Well she wouldn't be there much longer, he resolved in his rage.

He burst into the house and into the living room, where Celia was sewing a button on one of his shirts sitting in 'her' armchair with a small occasional table by her side.

"You can leave that, pack your stuff and get out of my house," he raged. "You conniving bitch, thinking you can take Gwen's place, scheming to get your foot in the door, conning me into thinking of you as a housekeeper. Well, your cover's blown. Just get out!"

At first she looked unnerved by the sudden outcry, mainly the sudden violence of it, but then to his surprise, she remained where she was, unperturbed, needle in the air. She stared at him, and for a moment or two said nothing.

To his surprise she did not react with any sign of guilt, nor did she did look afraid, nor did she did beg, simply stared at him.

"Did you hear me?" he began to shout. "I said Get Out."

"Oh, yes, David," she said quietly. "I heard every word."

He was confounded. This was unreal, and he did not know what to say.

He found a voice. "You want me to get your things and throw them out the front door? I'm waiting! You really thought you would fool me? Well, your so-called friends at the pub pulled the rug. So kindly pack your things and leave."

"You won't throw my things out David and you know it, because you know how you'll feel about that in the morning. And no, I won't pack and I won't go. The last time I did that I was guilty and I did as you demanded, but not this time. And if you have any morals in you at all you'll stop making stupid threats, you'll sit down and talk to me about what people have been saying."

"Pardon?" It was said in an intimidating tone.

"You heard."

"You really want to call my bluff on this?" Once again his voice was raised.

"David, if you continue to shout like this, you'll wake the children. I suggest you calm down."

"How dare you sit there and tell me what to do in my own house!"

"How dare I? Easily. You're not thinking clearly, and you're not remembering clearly. If you're prepared to sit down with me now, calm down and take some time, I think you'll see."

She was so certain, so secure and so unmoved by his powerful outburst. He was puzzled. He sat down in his chair, she began sewing again.

Silence.

"Well?" he asked.

More silence. Then she said "What did I say when we made our agreement?"

"We said a lot. What are you getting at?"

"You accused me of the same thing then, and I made you a promise."

Silence.

"Which was?" David was still angry, but curious.

"You are accusing me of wanting to get back with you, that I have somehow conned you into this. You did the same when I first came, though you didn't say I was trying to con you, only that I wanted to get back with you - usurp Gwen's place. You remember?"

He thought back. She was right. He had said she had been dumped by her footballer and was using Gwen's death to get back into his life. He remembered her laughter at that idea.

"OK," he said.

"And what did I reply?"

He could not remember, and said as much with a bad grace.

She sighed. "I promised you I would never move beyond friendship. I said if you ever wanted me again, you would have to make the running, and even then I might not agree. I said I felt I owed you for the years you gave me and I threw away. That's what I said then, and I'm still saying it now. You tell me, David, when have I made any move to entice you, to woo you, to seduce you? Well, when have I?"

He had a vague memory of what she had said, and he had to admit, she had never tried anything to entice or seduce him. She had kept her distance. In all the time she'd been there, he'd never seen her less than fully dressed or at least swathed head to foot in a dressing gown.

Then another thought. Perhaps she was being more sophisticated in her plan. She was now the effective mother of his two children. He couldn't think of how the children would react if Celia left. It would certainly hurt Evan, and he was now a happy boy again. Further she had given up her job. That to make it difficult for him to fire her, wouldn't it?

It was time to call her bluff. He would fire her and then listen to her arguing that the children needed her, and that she hadn't got a job. That would prove she designed the scenario they were now in, to cement herself into his life.

"The fact remains that our friends believe we are sleeping together, and that you have tricked me into letting you into our lives. I don't want the children to get too attached to you, so I think it's best to terminate our agreement."

She had been sewing, waiting for him to speak. Now she looked up at him in surprise. She obviously thought about what he'd said, and then spoke in her turn.

"If that's what you want: you're my employer and it's your prerogative. You will still need to employ a housekeeper and perhaps a nanny as well. I should think finding someone suitable to do both would be difficult. So how much notice do you want to give me? I would have thought a month would be the minimum you would need for me to stay on. I need to look for another job as well, so I may need extra time off for interviews etc."

She went back to her sewing, as if everything was organised.

Immediately he felt fear. He had been so sure that she was scheming to take Gwen's place, insinuating herself into her children's hearts, taking a ridiculously small salary to further ensure he would keep her. Now she had calmly agreed to leave, and had been practical about it.

Just as immediately he realised that he didn't want her to go. What could he do now? If he went back on what he had proposed would she stay after what he had said and done?

He stood and left the living room. He went to bed cursing himself and his stupidity. He lay there and sleep would not come. He tried to clear his mind, but all he could see in his mind's eye was Celia sitting there sewing, unmoved by his ranting. Why had he destroyed a highly successful partnership over the stupid remarks of Ozzy of all people? What an idiot! He meant himself, he thought, but Ozzy as well.

His mind was in turmoil and his emotions ran riot. It had been so good, and now he'd ended it, he got pictures of Evan laughing and giggling with Celia, of Celia with Bethan, as serene as a mother with the babe in her arms, of himself and Celia sitting together in the evenings after the children were asleep. Why oh why had he flown into such a temper, why did he get everything so out of control?

She was right, she had never put a foot wrong in her relationship with him, always recalling him to their contract, asking for clarification, wanting to provide accounts. What did they say at the pub? She wanted him, she loved him, scheming to get him? Something like that. Now he was really confused. She never showed anything of that, but was she playing a devious and patient game?

He picked up the phone and rang Alex. It rang for quite a while, then a sleepy voice answered.

"Alex, It's David."

"David, it's two thirty in the morning!"

"Oh, sorry, I couldn't sleep and didn't realise. Thought it was earlier. I'll call you tomorrow evening."

"No, David. I'm awake now. Spill. What idiocy have you perpetrated?"

"Idiocy?"

"Look, you ran out of the pub breathing fire. Now you can't sleep. Now you're ringing at an ungodly hour. You've done something incredibly stupid, haven't you?"

David sighed. "Yes, I think I have."

"So, spill. Confess. Father Alex will absolve you."

"I don't know whether you will. I was so angry. I think I felt that everyone was conspiring to con me into getting with Celia, that she was trying it on. Anyway, I burst into the house and told her to go. I even threatened to throw all her stuff out if she didn't leave right then. I called her some dreadful names, Alex."

"So-"

"Alex, the thing is she just sat there calm as you like. She reminded me quietly of our contract, and what she'd promised - that she'd never come on to me. She was so secure and then I made my big mistake. I think I resented how confident she was that she was going to stay, that the kids loved her and she'd given up her job. I stupidly thought I'd test her.

"I said I didn't want the children getting too dependent on her and it was best to end our agreement. I expected her to beg: you know, the children needed her, she had no job, she'd given it all up for me and the children. That would show she was scheming to get me back.

"She didn't. She said OK. She thought it would take about a month for me to find a suitable replacement, so she would take a month's notice. She said she'd need more time off to look for another job.

"Alex, I don't want her to go."

"David, I think you need to ask yourself honestly, why. You should ask why you reacted so violently against Ozzy's stupid remarks. You need to be honest with yourself. It's only months you know since Gwen passed and you're still in mourning. I think perhaps there's guilt there, but you need to work that out for yourself."

David felt calmed by Alex's measured response. "Thanks Alex."

"There's one other thing. You need to realise that Celia does in fact love you very much. Personally I think she's never really loved anyone else and she curses herself every day that she threw you over for that footballer. But for all that she's keeping well clear of you. You need to ask yourself how you react to that knowledge. She hasn't conned you, she just loves being near you, and she's keeping her word. OK?"

"That means she really is scheming to get back with me."

"Look, you can't have it both ways. You set a trap. You said she ought to go but she agreed."

"If she loved me as you say, she'd have fought to stay."

"Listen to yourself! You set the trap so she would fight to stay and that would prove she was scheming. She didn't fight, so now you're saying she doesn't love you! She can't win on that one can she? She fights: she's selfishly scheming; she doesn't and she doesn't love you."

David was taken aback.

Alex went on "In reality if she really loved you, you would expect her to acquiesce to your wishes. To do what you want. She has. Think about it. Think what it's cost her to do what you want: she loves those two little ones with all her heart, surely you can see that? But she'd give them up for you. Get real David! Brings me back to the beginning. If she means nothing to you, if you have no love for her, why are you getting so wound up? Perhaps it's because you're suppressing your own feelings of love and desire for her, out of guilt because you think you're betraying Gwen. Do you need to feel guilty for loving someone, for desiring her, David?