Goes Without Saying Pt. 02

"You want her to stay? Do you know why? You know what you have to do. Now good night."

He disconnected before David could reply.

He felt winded, as if Alex had punched him in the stomach. He lay back in the bed and stared at the ceiling, his mind a blank. Or rather there were so many conflicting thoughts and emotions he could not cope with them. Mercifully for him, sleep took him unexpectedly and he overslept the next morning.

He was woken by Celia on Friday morning knocking on his bedroom door and calling his name.

"David, it's late. Are you going in today?"

"Ugh, oh, thanks Celia, yes, I'm going in, I'll be down shortly."

The previous evening now impinged on his consciousness, and his spirits plunged. He needed to talk to her, but what to say?

He climbed out of bed and took a quick shower and shave, dressed and hurried downstairs. The children were already fed and playing, and his breakfast of muesli and tea was waiting. Celia normally ate with him, but today she had eaten with the children. She was busy about the place and left him to his hurried meal.

He said goodbye to the children and Celia stopped her dusting to turn to him as he left.

"Er, Celia," he stuttered. "About last night, I-"

"You'll be late," she said. "If you want to talk, we can do it after the children are in bed."

"Good."

There was no smile from her; no wishing him a good day, and he left feeling uncomfortable and faintly depressed.

-

Chapter 12

David arrived at work a little late, but he was the boss. He remembered that Marissa had taken the day off so it meant that he was catching up all day and that particular Friday was a busy one.

The financial storm clouds were gathering, and the banks were looking dodgy. He could only see big trouble ahead and a recession which would hit the company. At the end of the day, he sat back and caught his breath. Everyone else had gone home and the only people left in the building were the cleaners.

He sat for a while, this being the first time he had time to think. Business was looking uncertain and he had to upset the apple cart at home. He reprised what Alex had said. He was still confused about his reaction to Ozzy's stupid remarks about Celia.

He knew he wanted her to stay and that he'd said some monumentally stupid things to her. Now she was going in a month and he felt a mind numbing fear. He understood she was not only a solid emotional anchor for the children, but he needed her as well. How would he run the house and cope with the children without her? He realised with a new clarity that no one else could fulfil the rȏle she played in the family as well as she did.

What to do? It was with a sinking feeling and a fear that things would not go his way that he understood exactly what he had to do. He packed his briefcase and made his way home with a heavy heart.

The evening passed as had so many others: he shared the work with Celia, and put the children to bed. This evening she was putting Beth to bed, and he was seeing to Evan. As the child's eyes eventually closed, David's spirits sank and he dreaded the meeting he had now to undergo.

He had a shower and put on a dressing gown before going downstairs. Each step down those steps felt like a walk to the scaffold. He emerged into the living room to find it empty: Celia was still with Bethan. He went to the drinks cabinet and poured a white wine for her and a whisky for himself. Then he sat down and waited.

When she came into the room she saw him in his dressing gown, and the white wine. She smiled briefly at him.

"Thank you for the wine." she said, and sat in 'her' armchair, the one she always used. She took a drink and put the glass back down. She looked at him, and he could not read her.

"Celia..." he began and stopped, unsure fo what to say.

"Yes?" she said and waited her face open and inscrutable.

He felt wretched, guilty, a fool.

"Er," he faltered, "About last night..."

"Yes?" she said again, and again she waited.

"Look, I'm sorry. I got so wound up by what Ozzy said and then the others backed him up, saying you loved me and were conning me by making yourself indispensable to get back with me, and I got so angry..."

"I do love you but I'm not conning you. So what do you want, David?"

"I wish I could take all that stuff I said last night back. I don't want you to go. I'm asking you to stay. I lost it last night, and I'm sorry. Please, Celia, will you stay?"

"Yes." Her face showed no emotion he could read, and the word hung in the room, alone.

"Sorry?" he said perplexed now at the ease of it.

"I said, yes, I'll stay."

David exhaled in a loud sigh of relief, and he sank back into the sofa in relief.

"I don't understand," he said, now worried at how easy it was.

"How long is it since she left us?" she asked.

"Five months and a few days, but-"

"Early days, David. You're still wound up tight as a clock spring. It won't be the last time you lose your rag. Give it time. I will."

Then she smiled that guileless smile at him, but he could see no affection in her eyes for him. It was a gentle, relaxed, content and comfortable smile, though, and he felt a great release of tension.

"I'm so glad you're staying," he said with a deep sigh.

"So am I," she said, deadpan. "I would have been heart-broken to leave the children behind."

"But you would have?"

"David," she said patiently, even doggedly. "From what you said last night, they said that I was here because I'm in love with you. That's perfectly true, I am. I came to you because I loved you, always have. I haven't hidden that from you.

"I'm staying because I still love you and I understand your outburst: you are still very bereaved. But I made you a promise that I would not make any moves on you, and that promise I will keep, come what may. If, as I do hope, one day you want me again, you will have to come to me, I will never come to you.

"If it happens and you want more from me than this arrangement, I will then have to decide if you really love me or if you simply depend on me, so it's not certain that I would agree.

"So, if you'd continued to want me gone, I'd have helped you to find someone else to care for Evan and Bethan, and yes, I would have done what you asked. It would have destroyed me, but I would have done it for you."

David was amazed at her, and he felt a stirring as he gazed at her loveliness, made all the more attractive by her maturity, her courage and steadfastness. She had grown so much since they were together.

The warmth of his affection engulfed him and he wanted desperately to go to her and hug her to him, but somehow he couldn't do it. There seemed to be a distance between them that wasn't there before. Suddenly he felt shy, and left for his home office to catch up on some work he'd brought home. He wanted to get it out of the way so he could have the weekend free for Evan and Beth.

He was still working when Celia put her head round the door.

"Off to bed now," she said. "Don't work too late."

"Good night," he said, "I won't."

It provoked a memory of Gwen saying exactly the same thing, and with the memory came the pain of loss again. Gwen had gone. He sighed and returned to his papers for another half hour before packing up and making his own way to his empty bed.

The next day he felt it was as if there had been no crisis at all. Celia's attitude to him was not guarded or resentful, and they had a happy time with the children. Sunday was the same and David felt relief that it was behind them.

However later in the week she asked for Friday night and to return on Saturday. David thought nothing of it and coped with her absence. She returned at midday.

The following week was the same, Friday evening and Saturday. This time she returned around teatime. David regarded her and she seemed no different. She said nothing about her time off and David did not ask.

This routine continued through the next two weeks. The next week she was back on Friday night, the week after very late on Saturday night, well after David had gone to bed, though he did not sleep until he heard her arrive. He wondered what she did, but again dared not ask her.

There was financial chaos in the country and recession was accelerating. It meant longer hours at work and more work at home. It meant that once the children were abed he was buried in his office.

So he wondered about the feeling that there was a growing distance between them, less companionable and more businesslike, and he began to feel uneasy that she was seeing someone. Was it because of his workload, or the fissure caused by his loss of temper weeks before?

He knew she was entitled to do whatever she wanted on her time off, but it did not stop pictures coming to his mind of her in bed with some man, perhaps Alex? Why did that bother him? Then he thought it might be that she would find someone and would terminate their agreement if a relationship became serious. She could hardly have a relationship with someone while living with him full time.

On the second and fourth weekends of Celia's new regime, he went to his parents' and stayed over until Saturday morning, and on those days he told Celia she could take the whole weekend if she wished. She never did, but returned very late on Saturdays, until in early November he planned to make the journey to Wales to see his in-laws, when he told her he would not be back until late Sunday evening.

His in-laws were delighted to see their grandchildren, and thanked David profusely for taking the trouble to make the journey. He always felt at home there. It was on Sunday morning when his in-laws returned from chapel and they had finished breakfast, when William beckoned him into the lounge and Bethan joined them.

"You've got a nanny for the children, then?" he said rather than asked.

"Yes, you've met her, she was at the wedding, Celia Thompson," he answered feeling a little guilty, though he could not work out why.

"Used to be your girlfriend till she ran off with some footballer, if I remember what Gwen told us."

David couldn't work out where this was going and why, but he nodded.

"I know it's early days since Gwen passed," Bethan said making her first contribution, "but what we'd like to say is that we won't be upset if things get serious between you, you understand what we mean?"

"Oh it's not like that," David hastened to reply. "It's purely a working relationship. Did you know that Gwen talked with Celia about her being Godmother?"

"Oh, yes, Gwen told us. She also said that you were living with Celia for some years before she left you."

"Yes, we were," David said, "and I think that's helped us to share looking after the children so well. We know each other well and even think alike."

"We don't want to pry Dai bach," Beth said earnestly. "All we want to say is that you are young and you've got a big job on with the two little ones, so we just want you to know we won't be upset if you get together with her."

"I don't think that's likely, but thank you for being so kind."

"If you do find someone, Dai, don't forget us, will you?" she begged him.

"You are always going to be my in-laws, and the children are your grandchildren. Any partner of mine will have to understood that."

Bethan came over to him and hugged him. "You're a good man Dafydd Cariad. A very good man."

William shook his hand but said nothing. David knew he was happy.

After lunch Siân invited him to go for a short walk with her.

"Dai, everything OK with Celia? You seemed uncomfortable when you talked about her."

He wondered whether to confide in her, then realised it could do no harm.

"She's been taking all her days off at the weekends. I think she may be seeing someone."

"So you worry she might leave if it gets really serious?"

"I'd be faced with getting a nanny full time until they go to school, and probably a part time housekeeper as well. I don't fancy that idea at all. Not to say how distressed Evan would be."

She linked arms with him, and it reminded him of Gwen. Indeed she was very like her sister in her mannerisms.

"You know I've not been able to get a job since graduating?"

He nodded.

"Well, bach, all I'm saying is... is that I'd come and look after you - if the worse comes to the worst. You know that the children know and like me."

"That's very kind-"

"Dafydd, all I'm saying is that you've got me as a back-up. I am Evan's Godmother, you know. I'd love to do it."

"Siân, darling, thank you so much. I promise you'll be the first person I turn to."

"And I'll come and sit for Celia if she goes on holiday. OK?"

"Thanks so much, love. You've taken a weight off my mind."

Celia's activities were on his mind as he drove back later that Sunday evening, the two children fast asleep in their kiddie seats, but it made no sense. It left questions he knew were there, but he couldn't formulate, or didn't want to. And if he did not know the questions, how could he find the answers?

He was home at nine, but there was no sign of Celia. He sighed and put the sleeping children in their beds, before emptying the car and getting the house ready for the next working day.

He left the door unbolted, and went to bed, where he immediately fell asleep. He awoke at six the next morning to hear the sound of a key in the front door lock and the sound of her coming in. So she stayed out until the morning. She must definitely be seeing someone.

He lay in bed and felt unhappy as if she were being unfaithful, then berated himself for being stupid, though the rejection of those feelings of his did not stop them from remaining.

At six thirty he heard Bethan stir as she usually did at that time, and then the voice of Celia as she lifted her out of her cot and began her day's work changing and dressing her.

At seven he left his bed and showered, shaved and dressed for his day at work. Celia was in the kitchen.

"Morning David," she called. "Get your breakfast, it's on the table."

"Morning!" he returned, and went to sit down, making faces at Bethan in her high chair and making her laugh.

When Celia came into the dining room he searched her face. Did she looked 'just fucked'? Or well-used all the previous night? He could see no signs.

She saw him off as usual, and everything seemed normal, but from time to time during the day he wondered at the length of time she'd been away.

Alex rang him at work.

"Fancy a drink tonight?" he asked. "Not seen you since the unfortunate affair of Ozzy! You'll be thirsty."

"Will Ozzy be there?"

"No way!"

David immediately thought it would be a good idea. "Meet at the pub? About nine, after I've seen the kids to bed?"

Over the evening meal he told her he would be out that evening, but she did not ask what he was doing, but simply nodded.

David found Alex and two pints of bitter in the pub and sat down with him.

"Away last weekend with the Welsh?" Alex said with a grin, after sipping his pint.

"Went to see the in-laws. Very restful. Siân looked after the kids. She's a natural with them and they both love her."

"Pretty girl," commented Alex, "and very good-natured. I remember her at the wedding and the christening. She was a tower of strength at the funeral."

"She took a load off my mind," David said. "She volunteered to take Celia's place if she ever leaves."

"Well, she is Evan's Godmother," Alex replied. "But what's all this about Celia leaving? Has she said something?"

"Since my Ozzy outburst, she's been taking Friday night and most of Saturday off, getting in late. This weekend she got back at six on Monday morning. Was she with you?"

Alex looked surprised. "Took her dancing a couple of times, you know her, she likes clubbing. She could have spent the day in her flat, or visiting parents or friends, you know. I don't think she's been into one night stands for years. If she went clubbing it was probably with Sally. I'll ask around."

Wednesday was 5th November, Bonfire Night, the night commemorating the failure of Guy Fawkes to blow up the Houses of Parliament. It is characterised by a lot of noisy fireworks and the burning of effigies of Guy Fawkes at bonfire parties.

David was reluctant to agree to Celia's keenness to attend the local bonfire and fireworks display, fearing that Beth would he frightened by the noise. However, Evan joined his pleading to Celia's and David grudgingly agreed, on her promise that if the tot was scared, David would bring her home.

He held her tightly as the first monstrous explosion deafened everyone. She blinked, then giggled, and thereafter was enraptured, along with Evan, by the rest of the display. They ate hot dogs and pork barm cakes, while Beth fell asleep. The excitement over, they returned home full of food and very cheerful.

On Thursday evening he entered a cold house. This was nothing to do with the central heating but a lot to do with Celia's lack of her usual welcome, indeed of any greeting at all. The silence between the adults was obvious to David, but was covered by Evan's chatter and David's replies.

David had started the washing up, having left Celia to put Beth to bed, when Celia burst into the kitchen.

"Leave that!" she growled at him, as she stood in the doorway. "How dare you check up on me when I'm off duty on weekends. What I do then is my affair and nothing to do with you!"

"I beg your pardon?" retorted David, puzzled. "I did no such thing!"

"Don't lie, David!" she spat, "You talked to Alex - got him to nosey around for you. You've no right to pry into my private life. Just keep your nose out!"

By now David was annoyed and let fly in his turn. "Oh, you must be doing something very naughty to get so uptight! What have you been up to, I wonder?"

"You what?" she expostulated. "You breach my privacy and try to make a joke about it? God, David, you really are something."

"Perhaps if you were to ask me before throwing accusations about, you wouldn't look such a fool now!" David snorted.

"This is harassment!" she began to shout.

"Keep your voice down!" hissed David. "Think of the children."

"You have no right-"

"Listen to yourself," he said in more measured tones. "Why are you so uptight? I don't know what Alex told you, so I can hardly defend myself, can I?"

She looked puzzled for a moment, than sneered, "OK, explain. I assume you're going to try to wriggle out of what you've done?"

"On second thoughts, if that's your attitude, I'll refuse to dignify your accusations with any explanation at all. Ask your informants where they got their information and what that information was. Then you can come and apologise.

"I'll give you this. Since Alex is the only person I've spoken to since coming back from Wales, I suppose he is the source, so why don't you ask him?

"You told me to leave the washing up, so that's what I'll do. Good night." And with that, he left her standing, and went to the study to do some work.

It was ten minutes before Celia entered the study. David looked up enquiringly.

"David," she said quietly, "I do trust you. I don't need to phone Alex. Please tell me what you said to him."

"That's better," David said. He had had time to think about her anger, and wondered why she was so defensive.

She came in and sat down.

"We went for a drink," David said, "and Alex asked where I'd been over the weekend and I told him. I mentioned that Siân was brilliant with the kids, and that she offered to take your place if you went on holiday or even if you left for any reason.

"Alex was surprised at the mention of you leaving, and asked if that were likely. I told him that since we had the bust up over Ozzy you'd been out every weekend. I wondered if perhaps you were seeing someone and obviously if it got really serious I couldn't realistically see you staying on here.