Her Brother Ch. 01

"Hey - no fair!" he laughed. "Gimme some of that back!"

"Mmmmm!" I groaned indulgently, taking a big, cheesy bite and reveling in the pure joy of sneaking delicious junk food. I grinned smugly and shook my head. "Luck of the draw, kiddo!"

He pouted melodramatically and took a slow bite from his piece, consisting only of crust and sauce.

I laughed and took pity on him. "Awww, who can resist that face?" I plucked a slice of pepperoni from my piece and offered it to him. Grinning cheekily, he leaned down and grabbed it between his teeth. He closed his lips around the tips of my fingers, which thrilled me in that moment far more than I knew was reasonable.

We ate till we were groaning with excess. I made all of the trash and empty soda cans disappear, so that there was no evidence for Lisette to find when she returned home. We even kept the balcony door open for a while to air the place out, both chortling as if we'd gotten away with some kind of caper.

I was feeling a bit liberated, a bit uninhibited, almost as if I were tipsy. I opened the drawer of a side table and pulled out my broken iPad to show Julien. "See that? That's apparently what happens when I get caught with porn."

He clapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes widening in shock. He finally let his hand drop. "She didn't!"

"She did." I nodded slowly.

"She seriously did that because of porn?"

"Yep."

"How are you even... I mean... how do you put up with that?" He cringed. "I'm sorry, but... with my mom I didn't have much choice. She's my mom, and she had the right to punish me. But you... you do have a choice."

I sighed and tucked away the tablet. "Such is the power of self-delusion I suppose. At the time I thought it was... fair. I think I've just been completely lacking in self-esteem, and... I defaulted to her being right about everything, and me being wrong."

He carefully leaned against me, resting his head on my shoulder. "You think that's what they do? People like her, and my mom? Tear down people's self-esteem... so we become dependent on them to feel like we have any value?"

I considered this for a minute. "It's possible that's what they do, although I don't necessarily think they do it on purpose. The way they treat us can seem pretty disrespectful, I guess... but honestly, I think it mostly comes from a place of fear. They're afraid of what might happen if they lose control."

"Hmmm...," he sighed softly, pressing a little closer to my side. "I guess losing control can be scary sometimes. Losing control can be... a disaster. But... maybe sometimes... it's exactly what we need."

My heart thudded so violently, I thought my entire body was vibrating. I inhaled the sweet apple fragrance of his hair and shuddered pleasantly. I craved to be closer to him - the kind of closer that required less clothing in the way. What was happening to me?

Losing control.

Oh hell. I was in love. I had fallen headfirst in love with my girlfriend's little brother. I'd been enchanted with him at first sight, and loved him for sure when he'd given me Oreos. And now I was snuggling with him on the sofa while my girlfriend was out, I was sexually repressed and inescapably horny, and he was talking about needing to lose control. How had I let myself get into this situation? I had never even been curious about guy-on-guy stuff before. Where was this coming from? Did he know what effect he was having on me? Was he torturing me on purpose, or was he just a sweet, cuddly, lonely kid who liked to "male bond" in a slightly out-of-the-ordinary manner?

I didn't have time to ponder for long, as I received another text message from Lisette. When I read it, all of my whirling thoughts of Julien faded, and the indulgent meal turned to stone in my stomach:

[We should see other people.]

I stared at the message, failing to comprehend the full meaning of it.

"What is it?" Julien asked softly, noticing my stricken expression.

"Hang on," I said distractedly, typing.

[What? U breaking up w/ me?]

Her reply came a minute later: [No not exactly. Trial separation I guess?]

My thumbs moved frantically. [Why? B/c I disagreed with u for the 1st time EVER??]

[So sick of your attitude. Need a break.]

I gaped at this message. What did she mean? I had an inkling, but I didn't want to assume. I typed anyway: [R u seeing someone already? Is that why? Ur already seeing someone else. Ur not really "working late"....]

I waited a few minutes for a reply, while Julien sat patiently beside me. Finally, she responded:

[Well, you cheated, Cody, so you chose this. We might as well just call it what it is. We're both seeing other people and that's that.]

My breath came in short, harsh puffs. My thumbs stabbed at the tiny keyboard: [PORN ISNT CHEATING!!!]

[Disagree. Done with this. Don't expect me back tonight. Turning off my phone now.]

My hands were trembling hard. I could barely breathe. I was finding it impossible to process this. Even though I knew now it wasn't true, my brain insisted on panic - if I lost Lisette, I would lose everything. I would be nobody.

Julien touched my arm. "Are you okay?" he breathed.

"I don't... know," I said woodenly. I scrolled back through the brief conversation. After a few moments' consideration, I passed him my phone, letting him read the whole thing.

"Oh... shit," he finally whispered. "Shit. Oh, that's.... I don't even know what to say."

I shook my head slowly. "Me neither."

There was an uncomfortable silence, and then I heard the noise of a new text message. Julien was still looking at my phone, so he saw it first.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god!" he gasped. He stared at the screen, eyes growing wider and wider. "No - oh, you fucking bitch!"

I watched him, morbidly fascinated, as he doubled over, my phone still clutched in his hand. "What does it say?" I whispered. "Do I want to know?"

He didn't answer, but his shoulders were shaking. I realized he was crying. I waited. At last, he dropped my phone on the coffee table and shifted away from me. He grabbed his teddy bear and retreated to the balcony.

I took a few cleansing breaths before picking up my phone to see the new message:

[BTW I might as well warn you about your new BFF Julien. He didn't get kicked out because mom's moving. He got kicked out because he's a little perv. He's been going through a thing where he thinks he's gay, and he got caught with some truly disgusting stuff on his computer, sent dick pics to all his friends, and sexually assaulted his prom date. He was nearly arrested. If he acts all sad about not having friends, it's his own doing. Maybe you think he's a nice kid, but he's basically an amateur predator. Just watch out. For your own sake.]

I shut my eyes and set my phone aside, silently processing this. My own problems slowly evaporated in the face of the accusations being levelled at Julien. I could only assume that whatever he'd done, it had been greatly exaggerated. It was difficult not to ignore everything else in favour of the one, seemingly most salient fact here: that Julien - Julien the Beautiful - was gay.

I left my phone on the coffee table and walked stiffly to the balcony as if I'd been programmed. I could feel my own heartbeat in every one of my fingertips.

It was windy, and Julien's hair was whipping around wildly. He was shivering, probably with tears, but it was also chilly out. His mouth and nose were pressed against his bear's fuzzy head, muffling his sobs.

"How much of it is true?" I asked loudly to be heard over the wind. I stood behind one of his shoulders, almost leaning on it as he'd leaned on me this morning while I prepared breakfast.

He sniffled a few times and lowered the teddy bear a few inches. "Some," he said hoarsely. "Only some. I swear."

"I believe you," I said, wrapping my arms around him from behind and squeezing him until he stopped shaking. I spoke closely into his ear: "Come inside. Tell me everything. I want to hear your side."

He sniffled again, and gradually leaned back against me. "I... I think you're the first person to actually mean that."

I kissed the top of his head, and then ushered him gently inside. I didn't take him to the sofa, but all the way to the bedroom.

"Stay here with me tonight? You might as well not sleep on the sofa, when half of this big bed is going to waste." I crawled in, pushing back the blankets.

He wiped his eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed, still hugging his bear.

"I mean... unless it's weird to be... in your sister's spot," I added.

He shrugged. "Not really. It's not like anyone's been having sex in this bed." He glanced back and gave me the tiniest smile.

In a few moments, we were both laughing. Julien finally lay down beside me. He pulled out his phone and fiddled with it for a minute. "Thanks for... not judging," he whispered.

"I trust you, so long as you don't give me any reason not to."

He sighed. "Okay. So. Um... my mom and my sister really don't... get it. I'm not... 'going through a thing'. I've always been gay. It's just been... hard to be honest about it. I come from a pretty homophobic family."

I thought about this. Was Lisette a homophobe? I didn't recall ever witnessing her disparage gays, but she certainly didn't have any gay friends.

"Not surprising that it should be difficult for you," I remarked. "I think it must have taken a lot of guts to come out."

"Yeah. It caused, um... a bit of a shitstorm. But the hardest thing maybe... was having a huge crush on my best friend."

Julien rolled a little closer to me, and showed me a photo on his phone. It was a picture of him and another good-looking guy, both in tuxedos and looking as happy as I'd ever seen a couple look. They each had an arm around the other, and with their free hands they were both lifting a pant leg to show off their matching Chuck Taylors. I smiled. They were the same shoes as sat in our entranceway right now.

"That was prom," he whispered. "He took me - my friend Miles. Everyone at school thought he was a hero... because he was supposedly straight... and not ashamed to be his gay buddy's date. I came out like... six months beforehand. Miles knew I liked him, and even though he told me he wasn't bi-curious or anything... he'd sort of... get romantic with me here and there, because he knew it would make me happy."

He lifted his teddy bear, poking at its little red heart. "He gave me this on Valentine's Day. And then when he asked me to prom... I was stupid enough to think it meant something." He squeezed the bear against his chest. "I think Miles was... confused. Maybe I was too. But I was sure I was in love with him. And with all these signals he gave me... I always had hope there was a chance."

I lay on my side, watching him gaze up at the ceiling. "I don't think that's stupid at all."

"Well, I definitely did get stupid later on," he sighed, pressing the bear against his face for a few moments. "Prom was such a good time. It was amazing being his date. He was so sweet to me. He held me so tight when we danced. Everyone loved us together."

He sniffled and narrowly held back a fresh bout of tears. "We went to his place afterward. Just... hung out in his room. I was so excited. It seemed like... anything could happen. He told me... 'You can kiss me if you want to. I'll let you.' So I... I kissed him. I was like, really... really attracted to him. He started, um... touching himself. Like... through his pants. We were both, like... turned on."

I stayed silent, barely breathing.

"He was really... acting like he wanted something... yunno?" Julien continued. He crossed his arms over his eyes and groaned. "I opened up his pants and I... I touched him. He didn't stop me or anything. He just looked me in the eyes as I touched him. It was just the most incredible moment of my life. And then... then his mom walked in on us. She... freaked out. And Miles... he freaked out even more. He hit me... he fucking hit me! He yelled at me and acted like I'd just groped him uninvited, out of nowhere. He complained to his mom and she threatened to call the police. I was so scared, I just... I just ran outta there. I just ran home."

He rolled over, facing away from me and shaking with more sobs. I shifted closer and cuddled against him, holding both him and his bear. "Shhh," I soothed. "It's okay. You're safe now."

He shivered and placed his hand over mine. "He called me later... to apologize. Said he had to act that way so his mom wouldn't know he was, like, experimenting. I believed everything he told me. He said he... liked me touching him, and wanted to do it again. He said he... he wanted to... see me naked. But he didn't know how... how we could manage it. Since his mom was like... not wanting him to be near me anymore. So he asked me to send him a pic. He begged me. Ugh... I'm such a moron. I took a pic and texted it to him, and made him promise to be careful. He promised... but I never talked to him again. Next time we were at school... I found out nearly every guy we knew had gotten a copy of my photo. He must have used one of those apps that masks your number... because it looked like it was from me. Seemed like everyone was either laughing at me... or wanting to hurt me."

"Shhhhit," I breathed. It had been a long, long time since I'd uttered a swear word - Lisette didn't approve - but the situation certainly called for it. "What a bastard."

"Yup. It was a good thing the school year was basically over. I might've got suspended or something." He sniffled noisily. "I just... can't understand why he'd turn on me like that. We'd been best friends for years. He always acted like he was fine with me being gay...."

I squeezed him close to my body. "Probably one of those fear things," I whispered. "He probably wanted you, but he was afraid of what it would mean if he gave in to those feelings. So he lashed out. I think people are at their worst when they let fear control them."

He was quiet for nearly a minute. "I never really thought of it that way. That... that actually kind of makes sense." He sighed, shivering a little. "I've been torn between love and hate for Miles. Now I kind of feel sorry for him. I resented so much that he... ruined me so effortlessly... and everyone still thought he was a hero. A martyr, even... for having been 'victimized' by me after he'd been such a good sport about fake dating me. But... he knows the truth in his own heart. And it's a shame he couldn't face it."

"He really missed out," I whispered.

He pressed my hand and went quiet again. After a while, he whispered back: "My sister's missing out too. She has no idea what a good thing she's had all this time."

I smiled unsteadily at the back of his head. "Usually people remark on how unbelievable it is that I managed to score a catch like her."

"They've got it completely backwards."

I pressed my face into his hair, nuzzling him. He pushed his body back against me, and for a few minutes we just snuggled. It was a snuggle I would have traded my entire two-year relationship with Lisette for. I could not recall ever feeling so contented, or so connected to someone.

"So...," he finally continued, "my mom found out about the picture as well as my, um... encounter with Miles. Both our moms had... quite the discussion. Police were involved, briefly... nothing ever came of it. They didn't want much to do with the 'he said, he said' nonsense of a couple of teenagers fooling around after prom. They wanted to know about the photo, but I was already eighteen when I took it, so it was really nothing more than a joke and a waste of time for them. My mom still treated me like a sex offender though. I really should have wiped my browser history. I really, really should have. There was a some pretty 'out there' stuff... especially after things went bad with Miles. I was in a dark place. A bad combination of being horny and hating myself. It was... nothing illegal, I swear. I don't think. Just... like...."

"You don't have to tell me."

"Do you... want to know what I watched? Or would you rather not?"

I considered this for a few moments. "I'll admit to being curious. But you're not obligated."

"It's okay. I think... I think I'd rather you just know the absolute worst." He sighed deeply. "Really, just... I watched a helluva lot of gay porn. Whatever was available. It's not that I necessarily liked all of it. Like I said... I was in a dark place, and I just... I sampled everything. Hardcore BDSM... gangbangs and orgies.... Um, uh... watersports." He paused. "Mom cried. And then she screamed at me... and took away all my Internet privileges. And made me feel really horrible about myself." He paused again. "Do you think I'm a perv?"

"Of course not!" I replied, feeling strangely relieved. "Julien... everyone gets curious. Your mother and sister strike me as incredibly narrow-minded, maybe even deluded. I think they might be surprised by just how normal you are."

"Y-you think so?"

"Yeah," I chuckled. "I've certainly watched stuff like that. It's the Internet - it's freely available, and curiosity is normal. I can't say I've watched much in the way of guy-on-guy... but certainly, some 'extreme' stuff. I guess I was lucky I was watching something fairly vanilla when Lise caught me, or she might've broken more than my iPad." I paused, lowering my voice to a soft whisper. "If you still wanted to watch... I'm open to pretty much anything."

He became very still. "H-huh?"

My heart thudded. "Uh...? Before the pizza came... remember, you were asking if I wanted to watch...?"

He pulled in a short gasp. "Ohh.... Um. Uh... oh. I actually meant... 'Game of Thrones'. I wanted to watch 'Game of Thrones' with you. S-sorry that wasn't... clear."

"Oh!" My face burned hotly, and my heart pounded. I chuckled awkwardly. "Oh... of course! Of course that's what you meant. We can watch that... yeah! I'd love to. I mean, if you still want to."

"Ummm.... Ha. So... you thought I wanted to watch porn with you, and you were... into it?"

I regulated my breathing carefully. "Mmm... mm-hm."

His thumb stroked my hand twice, softly, driving me crazy. "And if I only watch... gay stuff?"

"That would be... okay."

He swallowed. I heard his throat click. "Cody? What are you... thinking right now? What are you... feeling?"

I deeply inhaled the scent of his hair and shivered. "Well... what I'm thinking is that Lise is pretty ignorant of the fact that she's systematically repressed me to the point that I became lonely and sexually starved, and then gave me carte blanche to see other people, at the very same time as she left me alone with her gorgeous... sweet... huggable... absolutely delicious gay brother."

Julien released a long, trembling breath, and sucked in another one, holding it tightly.

"What I'm feeling is...," I continued, whispering in his ear, "ravenously horny. But even more than that... I'm pretty sure I'm in love."

He let out the breath he'd been holding, and this time it was accompanied by a small squeak.

"I'm sorry if this is a lot at once," I continued. "I don't know why all these words are coming out but I can't seem to stop them. You can probably feel my heart - it feels like it's going to burst right through my ribcage. I know I'm probably on the rebound or something right now, and maybe this is a terrible idea, and I know I don't hold a candle to your Miles in the looks department, but if you ever had any interest in kissing me, now would be a good time, because I'm having a hard time stopping myself from rambling and...."

He rolled over abruptly, forcing me to let go of him. In one smooth movement, he pushed my shoulders down so that I was lying flat, slung a leg over to straddle me, collapsed over me, and sandwiched my face between his hands. He stopped my mouth with his own, and I melted into the sweetest, hottest, most smouldering kiss of my life. I gripped Julien by his hips and pulled him tight against me. My hands slid up his body, beneath his shirt. He was very warm, and very soft. His lips were even warmer, even softer, and deliciously slick as they slid against my own. His tongue darted against my lips, and I parted them eagerly, letting him invade me.