In the Wake of That Night

She recalled his father's words at the wake. She overheard Anton saying, "If that kid would'a ever listened to me, he might'a made something outta himself. He never listened, and he always had that goddamn temper. He always knew better. The goddamn kid never listened to me, that was his goddamn problem all along."

Lana surprised herself during the evening of the wake. She didn't get upset. She didn't take into account her anti-anxiety med which was working much better. She only had a few days of it left. She thought it might have been due to two things. None of it seemed real to her, like she was walking in a terrible dream. The other reason, maybe the more important one, was that many of her friends and vague acquaintances from high school showed up. She knew they weren't there because of him, or her, or his parents, and it made her angry which seemed to put a shell over her grief and guilt. Except for Cindy and a couple other friends, she wished none of them had come. Only two guys he had worked with attended and they stayed ten minutes but had been nice enough.

His mother, Celia, had been stoic, almost cold towards her the two days making the preparations, then through the evening of the wake, the funeral Mass his mother insisted on having even though his father was against it, and the time in between, until the cemetery. Lana had felt so full of guilt, so responsible for all of it, so full of grief and love and sadness and shame that she had broken down again, even falling to her knees as they walked away from the grave site, sobbing inconsolably. His mother had knelt down and hugged her, then had finally started crying herself.

His parents stayed that night too at the motel. The next morning they met at the house again. Lana wasn't sure what to do with any of his stuff. She asked his parents if they wanted to go through his things for a memento or something they might want, that there were a lot of tools in the garage. They said no, but then his father looked through the garage and almost took a few tools then decided against it at the last minute.

Celia sat with her at the kitchen table, helping her get organized about all the things she'd have to do, making a list for her regarding moving out of the house and renting some smaller place, calling the utilities to cancel service, calling the landlord, and mentioning she'd probably lose the security deposit on the rental house but couldn't be held responsible for any additional charges although her mother, Barbara, might be. She talked to her about having a garage sale and selling most of everything. Celia tried to get her husband involved in that, asking him how much to price all the tools, but he just shrugged and said he didn't know, then said he was going out for a while.

When he left, his mother had said, "He and Anton never got along very well."

When his father returned, Lana could smell whiskey on his breath. He began saying he wanted to get on the road, kept asking Celia when she would have it all wrapped up.

Celia's face expressed anger when she had finally responded, "We can't just leave her with all this."

Anton's face and voice also showed anger. "Why the hell not? What the hell did he ever do for us? Huh? He never goddamn listened to me! He never goddamn showed me any respect!"

Celia gritted her teeth for a moment, then nearly spit out her words, "Anton... go... go and watch TV."

"Well... just goddamn hurry up." Anton went into the living room.

Ten minutes later, Lana heard him snoring on the couch.

Two hours later, after Celia had helped her not only with her list of things needed to be done, but telling some stories about her son, both she and Lana getting teary during them, did Celia wake up Anton. He went to the bathroom then when he came out he overheard Celia telling her that maybe she and Anton would come and help with the garage sale.

"The hell we are! We're not coming again to help with his shit. It's not our problem."

Celia ignored him. "I'll call you soon, you should see about an ad in the local paper tomorrow, have the sale as soon as possible, the weather will be getting cold soon."

"Call her all you want, but you're not goddamn coming here again to help with his shit!"

Celia called a few days later and said she'd not be able to help.

Luckily Cindy, Cindy's mom, and even Cindy's dad for a little while, helped with the sale. She didn't make much money, not many people stopped because it had been a cold and drizzly weekend. She virtually gave away his tools, then literally did at the end of the sale to Cindy's father. They must have been worth a lot because before she went to bed that night, he gave her a hundred dollars, saying it should be more, especially for the power tools. The next day Amvets picked up the remaining furniture, and she loaded the pickup with the remaining smaller items and donated it to the Salvation Army Store.

She also went to his bank to get forms for her mother to sign to close his accounts. She was surprised to learn he had added her name on both his checking and savings accounts. She didn't need her mother's signature. It wasn't a lot of money, it amounted to $973 dollars and some change. She remembered the night when it all started and recalled him in the master bedroom closet. She discovered the slot in the casing and found another $400. When she did, she cried for a half hour without letup.

As Celia predicted, she didn't get any of the security deposit after she fully moved out of the house and into the guest bedroom at Cindy's. Her parents said she could stay until the spring but then should look for some small apartment. Lana wanted to pay them rent but Cindy's parents said they'd talk about some other time. The few bulky things she kept, including boxes of Barb's clothes, one of legal-like papers, and one piece of furniture, were stored in the basement. Cindy's dad let her park the pickup in the driveway.

With the horror of that night, the police questioning, the inquest and coroner's jury, the funeral had been delayed, then getting organized for the garage sale, plus all the other things she had to do; she had missed nearly three weeks of community college classes. She was incredibly behind in all her courses and getting F's in them, due to missing all her mid-term exams. She tried to catch up but a week later she got a part-time job in one of the apparel shops where she had applied during the summer. She dropped out of school, all her teachers were decent about it, they knew what had happened. They all gave her WP's, withdrawal-passing.

She still hadn't seen Barb. From what the prison officials had told her, her mother was under suicide watch and it was thought best not to allow visitors, she was however getting visits from the prison therapist and chaplain. Lana wanted to see her for more than one reason. She also was scared to her marrow to see her, also for more than one reason. She had tried writing her mother a number of times but she had never finished a letter, not sure how to not lie to her, yet not really tell her the full truth either. She finally mailed her a note:

Dear Mom,

I've been calling the admin people every week trying to find out when I can visit you.

The police told me that someone at the prison told you what happened. So you probably know I was with him when he died. He told me to tell you that you are so very beautiful and that he loves you very much. He told me to tell you other things that I didn't really understand or maybe didn't hear right, and told me to ask you some things, but I'll tell you those when I visit. I hope I can see you soon.

Mom, I love you. I really do.

I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry.

Lana

Lana had cried writing it and had thought about not sending it for a day before she finally decided to mail it.

She was able to visit her mother the following weekend. The visit didn't quite go the way Lana anticipated.

*

Lana noticed it was beginning to drizzle, drops hitting the windshield finally covered it, distorting her view of the greenery and trees, and reminding her of all the tears she had shed during the past five months. She thought of her mother and imagined it had been even worse for her, alone in prison. The warden had informed Barb. She had broken down in the woman's office, had then been taken to the infirmary and sedated. Lana hadn't been able to see her for a month. During that time Barbara had been in isolation on suicide watch, in essence in solitary confinement.

*

Lana had been full of anxiety about seeing her mother as she drove the pickup the first time to the prison, and then even more so standing in the check-in line. She prayed her mother hadn't figured things out, hadn't realized that there had been a relationship, that the night he died had really been her fault. She knew her mother was devastated emotionally, obviously if she had been put on suicide watch.

After going through check-in, Lana was accompanied by a guard away from the visiting area along hallways and through two barred doorways and finally into a small room that resembled the interrogation room at the police station, but instead of a mirror on the wall, there was a window out to the hallway. A different guard was standing there, looking into the room. Barb, Mom, was sitting at a table that had two chairs. She stood and stepped towards Lana. Both their eyes instantly welled with tears. They embraced.

Lana began sobbing. "I-I'm sorry... s-so s-sorry, M-Mom."

Barb, tears running down her face, stayed silent for a few moments, then said, "I am too, honey."

After a couple minutes, through their mutual tears and sobs, they both heard a few taps of a nightstick on the window. Barb wiped her eyes, looked at the guard, then nodded. She cleared her throat. "We... we have to sit down now, honey. I have some tissues in my pocket." She was scheduled to go back to general population tomorrow. She didn't want to foul that up.

Lana nodded and pulled back. They sat on opposite sides of the table. Barb handed Lana a few tissues from a little packet, then took a couple for herself. It took them both a few minutes before they composed themselves. Barb reached out for her daughter's hand and held it gently yet firmly.

Barb swallowed, "Can you... Lana, I don't want to upset you, but do you think you can tell me what really happened?"

Lana's face instantly tensed up again. She bowed her head and started crying once more. Her voice was a whimper, "I'm s-sorry, M-Mom... I'm... oh god... I'm s-so sorry."

More tears began running down Barb's face. "Ssshhh." She swallowed and stared at Lana's head. She spoke softly, "You... you loved him too, didn't you?"

Lana's heart seemed to stop for a moment. She sobbed a few times, but she nodded.

"You... you had... you had a relationship with him, you had sex with him." It was more a statement than a question.

Lana couldn't lie anymore. She didn't raise her head, just nodded again. Her voice was still quavering, "It w-was m-my fault... he loves you... he loves you... h-he n-never s-stopped loving y-you. It w-was all m-m-my fault." Lana held her mother's hand tighter. She was scared to death her mother would pull hers away and tell the guard she wanted to leave. She had planned to keep lying, she had thought it was for Mom, not herself, but she just couldn't do it, she just couldn't do it anymore. "I'm sorry, Mom... p-please... p-please don't.. h-hate m-me." She suddenly recalled him once saying that Barb was very perceptive. She remembered how she had laughed, and told him he was crazy. Obviously, he had been right. She grew more scared.

Barb kept staring at her daughter's head as tears ran faster down her own face. She had probably known for a long time, even before she ran into that boy on the bicycle, at least in the back of her mind on sober days, that Lana had a crush on him. Then when Lana started changing last summer during the visits, the thought started coming out from the back of her mind. They were both different during the visits, but Barb chose to believe it was just that things were getting better between all of them. She finally knew and accepted it as truth the last time she saw him. That realization had nothing to do with his lack of an erection during the conjugal visit, she had seen it later in his eyes when they sat in the cafeteria. She saw that he was lying, that he had cheated on her, and that it was probably with Lana. That they both had betrayed her.

Yet also in those last hours with him, she had seen something else in his eyes, that he really did love her. She knew when he kept saying he was sorry, it wasn't about what hadn't happened in the conjugal room, it was for cheating on her. She had some time, over a month to think about it and him and Lana. She was sure he had been loyal to her until last summer, last June. He visited her every week, except for the day of Lana's graduation and that's because she had told him to go there. Very few of the other women with her in prison could say that about their husbands or boyfriends. He did love her, had loved her. He was also an alcoholic. He was also a very horny guy. Barb also knew how manipulative her daughter could be. Yet it had been his choice and decision too. He knew what was right but after a couple drinks he didn't care. Barb could relate to that really well.

Barb also knew the girl beneath Lana's sometimes tough exterior. She was smart, and sweet, and a loving girl... young woman now, with the right person. Her tough manipulative shell was not Lana's fault, Barb knew it was her own. She had been a terrible mother. And regarding herself in that light, how many times had she in essence betrayed Lana? She wondered for a moment if years ago she shouldn't have run away, should have let Mom and Dad take care of Lana, raise her. She wondered what she herself might have been like, what her life might have been like now if she had gone into rehab that day instead of driving off with Lana. Was any of this really Lana's fault? No, it was her own and his fault, not really Lana's at all.

Barb knew she had a decision to make. She could either hate Lana now or love her. She could be a bitch to her, or her mother. Lana was holding her hand so tightly it almost hurt. Barb recalled doing the same thing to her own mother's hand, the day she gave birth to Lana. Barb took another tissue. She wiped her eyes and face, set the tissue down, then laid her hand on top of Lana's. "I love you, Lana." More tears started running down her face.

Lana was still crying when she raised her contorted face. Her voice squeaked, "I l-love y-you t-too... ... I'm sorry... I-I din't... w-want t-to hurt you... him... anyone. I d-d-didn't know... w-w-what w-would... h-happen."

Barb moved her hand and took a couple tissues. She leaned over the table and wiped Lana's face. She got a couple more and told her to blow her nose. Barb's heart swelled when Lana didn't let her hand go to use the tissues. Barb held it tighter but used her other to wipe her own eyes again. "Take deep breaths, honey." She took a slow breath herself. "Try to calm down so... so we can talk, all right?"

Lana nodded and finally met her mother's eyes. It made more tears rise.

Barb tried to compose herself too. A minute of silence passed. She had to know something but hoped it didn't make Lana even more upset. "Did you really love him, sweetheart?"

Again Lana's face scrinched and tears ran down her face. She nodded, then whispered, "Yes."

"Did... did he tell you he loved you?"

"He loves you, Mom. He loves you."

"Lana... did he say he loved you?"

Lana started crying, wiped her eyes, then cleared her throat. "No... not... not until... until..." Again she choked up and almost started crying.

"Not until he... he was dying."

Lana nodded. "He... he really loved you... all... all along, n-not me."

"He loved you too, Lana. I... I-I could see it in his eyes."

Lana wiped her eyes and looked into her mother's. Lana could see she believed that.

"Can... will you tell me everything he said... he said at the last?"

"I-I don't know if I r-remember everything, it... it all happened so... so fast."

"Will you tell me what you remember?"

Lana nodded. She took a new tissue and wiped her eyes, then blew her nose. She balled it up in her free hand, then stared at her hand holding her mother's.

Barb spoke softly, "Please look at me, Lana." She watched her daughter raise her face. "Please tell me everything he said, I... I just need to know."

Lana cleared her throat and swallowed. "Okay." She took a deep breath. "He... he couldn't speak very loud, so I... I..." Her face scrinched up once again.

Barb reached across the table and cupped Lana's cheek. "I love you, Lana, just take your time. I-I just need to know." Her fingertips stroked Lana's temple for a few seconds, then she leaned back and put her free hand on top of her daughter's again.

Lana swallowed. "He said... he said he loved you, and said you were so beautiful and that I should tell you." Again, Lana had to fight tears back.

"He... He said he loved you too, and that you were beautiful at the same time, didn't he?"

Lana's face tensed again. She nodded. "Y-yeah." She took a few slow breaths. She ordered herself to calm down.

Barb spoke softly, "Say everything the way he did, Lana, unless... unless there's something so personal you... you can't share it with me."

Lana took another slow breath. "He said he loved you, he loved me. He said I was beautiful and that you were beautiful. He... h-he said... y-you and I should... f-forget... h-him, s-said that twice." She swallowed again. "He said you... and I could do so much better than... h-him." Lana wiped her eyes and saw a tiny, sad smile on Barb's teary face. "What?"

"He... he told me that before, about me."

"He... he did?"

Barb wiped her eyes with a tissue. "It was the night he asked me to marry him. He... he said I could do much better than him." She saw she had just hurt her daughter. She hadn't meant to. "What else did he say?"

"He added to that... that you and I could do better in... in everything, that.. that we should help each other."

Barb almost told Lana that he had said that in different words before too. "I want to help you, Lana, in... in whatever way I can. I know I-I haven't been much of a mom. And... and I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." More tears ran down her face. She removed her top hand from Lana's to get a tissue and wiped her eyes again. "What... what else?"

"I... I want us to help each other, Mom." Lana also wiped her eyes.

"We will... we will... we are right now."

"He told me to tell you he was sorry... he said, 'so sorry.' He said he was sorry to me too. He then said something I'm not sure I heard right."

"What was it?"

He said... 'Important'... then he told me to... t-tell you 'baby sister or baby brother'... that it didn't matter, then he said, 'with right guy'... he repeated, 'right guy.' I-I don't know if I heard him c-correctly." Lana saw her Barb's head bow as her own had earlier.

Barb started crying as hard as she had when Lana walked in. She let go of Lana's hand so both of hers could cover her face as she released a few sobs. She knew she had to get it together quickly, the guard was watching. She thought of that wonderful afternoon with him. She had thought he had forgotten all about it. She felt Lana's hand on her forearm stroking. Barb took a few quick deeper breaths then lowered her hands, she took a couple tissues and blew her nose.