In the Wake of That Night

Maureen began rocking on the couch as she started crying and repeating in a squeaky voice, "Oh my god... oh my god..."

Lana didn't know what to do. Tears also ran down her face. "I'm sorry... I-I didn't know how else to tell you."

Pat felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. It took a few moments for him to gather his wits. He moved off the arm of the couch, then crouched at his wife's knees. He slid his arm around her waist. Maureen stopped repeating and rocking. He grabbed a couple tissues from the box on the coffee table and handed them to Maureen, then did the same for Lana. He waited until his granddaughter wiped her eyes. "How long has she been in prison?"

"A... about a year and a half."

"What was she convicted of and what was her sentence?"

"Three to five years, for... for reckless um... depraved reckless... um..." Lana couldn't think straight, couldn't remember the word.

"Depraved reckless endangerment?"

"Yes... yes, that's it."

Maureen wiped her nose. "Pat, what can you do for her?"

"Now? Probably not much." He shook his head. "I can't believe she didn't call us. I... I could have at least found her a good attorney. I haven't done criminal in a while." He looked at Lana. "What prison?"

Before Lana could answer, Maureen asked, "You... you said she was with her husband. Where... where is he? Do you... do you have any brothers and sisters?"

Lana thought of her brief conversation with her grandmother just a few minutes ago, of the word Maureen used. Lana suddenly felt overwhelmed. "No... no brothers or s-sisters, and... and..." She started crying again. "It's... it's all... all so c-complicated."

Over the next twenty minutes, sometimes with tears running down her own and Maureen's face, Lana related the general story of what had happened over the past few years, and answered questions her grandparents had. Lana didn't paint herself very well in any of it, saying she had been terrible to her mother for a long time. When she got to the killing, she of course didn't mention her secret relationship with him. She first told them how Rich wasn't charged with a crime, and then when she began to describe the night of the killing she started crying, barely able to get the words out.

"I kept screaming at them to stop fighting, and... a-and at Richie to leave b-but th-then he attacked Rich again, and... a-a-and R-Rich... R-Rich grabbed a kitchen knife... a-and he s-s-stabbed him." Lana broke down. Maureen had moved closer and had her arm around her. Her grandmother held her tighter. She was crying too. Patrick was sitting on her other side, his arm on the back of the couch behind her. "I-I c-called 9-1-1, b-but... h-he d-died w-when I-I w-was holding h-his h-head." Lana bent forward and began sobbing nearly as badly as she had that night. She could barely breathe.

Maureen stuttered through her own sobs, "P-Pat... p-pick her up. T-take her to the g-guest room."

Pat moved quickly and scooped up his petite granddaughter as Maureen led the way.

Lana loosely draped her arm over his shoulder, and started repeatedly mumbling, "I'm sor-ry... I'm s-sorry." She was overwhelmed again with guilt and grief, and now added to that the fear she had told them too many details or they would guess the ones she had left out.

Pat told her to relax, not to worry about anything. There was nothing for her to be sorry about. "We love you, Lana, just remember that." He lay her on the bed.

Maureen quickly walked to the bathroom and returned a few seconds later with a wet wash cloth. She sat on the bed next to Lana who had turned onto her side. "Lay on your back, Lana, let me wipe your face." She didn't look at her husband. "Pat, get that glass of ice water."

"Yeah." He quickly left the room.

Over the next five minutes, Maureen calmed Lana down, while Pat figured it was best he not say much, but he never left the room, standing back from the bed. Finally Lana stopped crying and switched to apologizing.

Maureen spoke softly, "Lana, there's no need for that. I think... you should just rest for a while. It was a long drive, and-and things are probably... a little unnerving, just meeting us after so long. I think we should all just relax for a while. So, why don't you rest. Take a nap if you can. I'll come back in a while and check on you, then... then I think you should eat something. I've got chicken breasts ready for the oven. You eat chicken, don't you?"

Lana wasn't hungry at all, but she nodded. "Yes. Do... do you want me to help?"

"No, you just rest. I'll be back in a little while. All right?"

Lana again nodded.

Maureen smiled softly, then squeezed Lana's hand. She wanted to kiss her granddaughter's forehead but held back from doing so. She rose from sitting on the edge of the bed.

Pat smiled. "Just rest, Lana." He put his arm around his wife and they left the room. Maureen closed the door about half way, just as she had done all the years Barbara was growing up and for Lana too. They returned to the sitting area. Maureen was already quietly crying. They sat on the couch. Pat kept his arm around Maureen's shoulders.

"Oh my god, Pat, our baby's in prison. And... Lana... seeing Barb's husband killed like that... and-and Barb... how did she handle that in prison?" Her crying got louder for a few seconds, but she got it under control, she didn't want Lana to hear her. "W-what are we going to do?"

He had already been thinking about it. "Barb will have to put us on her visitor's list. We'll see if she'll do that. I'll look into the case, but..." He took a slow breath. "Maureen, if she was intoxicated and committed a vehicular homicide, she... she got off easy with reckless endangerment and three to five. It... it could have been much worse."

"She's in prison, so... so how could that Rich have not even gone to trial after he k-killed Barb's husband?"

"What Lana said, self-defense... justifiable homicide. He was drunk and..." Pat closed his eyes and smeared his palm around his face. He and Maureen had been so excited about Lana's visit and about the possibility of reconnecting with their daughter too. He had never expected this. They should have anticipated something... something awful when Lana didn't want to talk much when she called. He and Maureen had been so elated, so damn happy that she had called and would be visiting within days that they hadn't given any thought about the negative things that might have happened to Lana or Barb. They had done that for years and then her call came and they no longer had room in their minds or hearts for negative possibilities. My god... he was killed right in front of her.

He dropped his hand. His eyes settled on the photo albums of Lana's baby pictures, many photos of her with Barbara, the times that he and Maureen had hoped their daughter was going to straighten out, going to get her alcohol and then also her drug abuse under control. He blamed himself and knew Maureen blamed herself too for their daughter's failings.

They had been over everything a thousand times, about how they raised Barbara, how they handled things when she got pregnant and after she had Lana. The only thing they had done wrong in his opinion was that they told her they'd legally take Lana away from her if she didn't go into rehab and then stay clean. After she ran away with Lana, he knew they should have just done it, committed her to rehab without warning her, without giving her another chance.

Now sixteen years later, his daughter had taken the life of some boy because she was intoxicated, and his granddaughter had seen a man, Barb's husband, killed in front of her eyes. He had tried his best to raise his daughter, and he had failed. Even though he knew he and Maureen had done their best, had not really done anything wrong, he felt guilty, he felt responsible for it all. His eyes welled up. Maybe his best hadn't been good enough. I should have been a better goddamn father!

He held Maureen closer as his free hand quickly wiped his eyes. He had to get it together, start thinking about what to do and not wallowing in past mistakes. He turned his head and kissed Maureen's temple. "Try to settle down, sweetheart. We... we have to keep calm for Lana."

Maureen leaned forward and grabbed a few tissues from the box. She was still trying to accept that she had given birth to a child who killed another human being. She felt herself to be the worst mother in the world. Without knowing it, she went through the same thoughts as her husband just had, then as she wiped her eyes, she realized it. "It's... it's not your fault, Pat. We... we did our best... tried our best."

Pat's voice was soft and sounded tired, "I know, sweetheart."

Lana was still on the verge of an anxiety attack. She realized she should have told them everything on the phone. She had just shocked them, and made their heartache about Barb running away from them even worse. She had just told them their daughter killed a sixteen year old boy, and that she herself had... had seen... a killing. They had expected a reunion with their granddaughter, hopefully a happy time, not... not a list of killings and finding out their daughter was in prison. What had she been thinking?! They weren't prepared for this!

She had been afraid to tell them on the phone. She knew that if he hadn't told her to find her grandparents, she might not even be here, might not have made their lives even worse. Yet, she had wanted to see them, meet them all her life and they had just told her they had searched for her and Barb. She could already see even though they didn't know her, they loved her, at least loved their granddaughter, maybe not 'Lana,' but did love their granddaughter. She had considered writing them a letter to them first, telling them everything, but she hadn't even been able to figure out how to say what she knew she'd have to tell them today. She had tried to write it down and failed, a letter would have been just as big a shock, but at least she herself wouldn't have broken down which probably made it worse for them, and they would have been more prepared for meeting her too.

Lana closed her eyes and once again did her relaxing routine. She had to stop crying so much, she had to stop losing control. That itself was upsetting them. How could she have possibly thought she'd be able to tell them everything and do it without them or herself getting terribly upset? She took a few more slow, deep breaths, then made a decision. She slid off the bed and went into the bathroom. She washed her face not worrying about her makeup. She then headed to the sitting area.

She saw them on the couch, Pat's arm around Maureen. They both looked sad and deep in thought. Maureen was twisting a tissue in her hands. Her grandmother noticed her approaching first.

"Lana? Do you need something?" Maureen started to stand.

Lana spoke quickly, "No, please... keep sitting." She walked up to them. "I-I know what I told you shocked you, probably... probably made you very sad. I... I'm sorry." She felt tears rising. She cleared her throat. "I... I'm thinking that... th-that maybe I should just leave. I think..."

"No!" Maureen jumped up from the couch. She told herself not to overreact. She stepped to Lana and held her granddaughter's shoulders and looked into the pretty girl's teary eyes. "Lana... yes, we... we are sad about... about Barbara, and... and what you've gone through, and, yes, the deaths of others, but... w-we are so..." Her eyes welled yet again. "... so happy... so elated to have you here with us. Oh, honey, please... please don't leave. I know this is all very upsetting for you too, to... t-to have to tell us all this. But please... sit with us, don't leave. I'll make dinner soon, you need to eat, we... we all do. And... you are staying overnight, if... if not here, then at a motel like I said. You can't be driving back tonight. It's too far of a drive. Now... please, sit down, please."

Pat had also gotten up. "Lana, please stay, don't leave. I'll... would you like something to drink? Juice, a soda?"

Maureen took Lana's hand. "Please sit, sweetheart."

Lana looked at Patrick. She couldn't leave. It would hurt them even more. "I'd like a... a cranberry juice, please."

Pat smiled. "I'll get it." He turned and headed to the open kitchen, his smile vanishing.

Maureen sat and patted the center of the couch. Lana sat down. Her grandfather came back a moment later with a glass of juice. "Thank you." She took a sip. Patrick sat on the other side of her, leaving more than enough space between them.

There was over a minute of silence. Pat broke it.

"Maybe we could... take a break from... from worrying so much about everything, and try to relax a little, maybe do something that might be a little fun. Have you seen many pictures of yourself as a baby and toddler, Lana?"

"No, not... not any really."

"Would you like to see some?"

"I... um... yes."

He reached towards the pile of albums. "Which one do you think, Maureen?"

Maureen smiled softly. "Lana, we went nuts taking snaps of you... you and Barb. We don't have to look at all of these right now. Let's... start at the beginning, Pat."

"Ahhh... I like the toddler ones better. I mean... Lana was a beautiful baby, but... there's not much action in those."

Maureen made a sucking sound with her tongue, then said, "Patrick, start at the beginning."

"Oh... all right." He smiled and picked up the top album. His mind was on Barbara in prison though.

Lana relaxed a tiny fraction. With their last verbal exchange, her grandparents suddenly somehow seem more real to her.

"Here, Lana, let's put it on your lap so everyone can see." Pat shifted closer to her.

"Okay." She set her glass on the coffee table, then took the album and opened it. She saw Barb in a hospital bed, smiling and holding a baby. Lana was surprised her mother looked so young, a girl really, and a tiny bit like her although Barb's hair was a much lighter brown, almost dishwater blond. Lana stared at the baby. "That's... that's me?"

Maureen moved closer, her arm went around Lana's shoulders. Maureen was genuinely smiling. "Yes, all seven pounds four ounces of you. You were so... cute."

Pat grinned. "She was beautiful, Maureen, still is beautiful." He moved closer too, placing his arm along the back of the couch. "Barbara was too." His smile faded a notch.

Lana turned the page. She blinked. "She... Barb... Mom breast fed me?"

Maureen answered, "Mmm... yes, and no. She didn't have enough milk so we used formula too."

Pat said, "You know, these are only the ones we put in albums, we have a big box full of all the other photos."

Maureen added, "We always had the camera around."

Pat smiled. "Two cameras." He recalled how devastated they were when they found out Maureen couldn't have more children. They had hoped for three kids. It was probably one reason they had loved Lana so much from the very start. They always understood they weren't Lana's parents though. Barb was her mother and they were the grandparents.

Lana stared at a photo with Patrick in it. He looked much younger. He was sitting cradling her in one arm, both her tiny hands holding his index finger, she looked like she was smiling and her grandfather was grinning like she had just made his day. Lana smiled but her hand rose to wipe her eyes. "I've... never seen any pictures of me as a tiny baby. I... I guess I said that already, didn't I?"

Pat spoke softly, "You can have any you want, we have duplicates on nearly all of them."

Maureen added, "We'll put together some albums for you."

They looked at photos for nearly an hour, mostly Maureen telling little stories, but Patrick told some too.

After that Maureen started dinner. Back in the sitting area, Maureen and Pat asked Lana more questions about her life. She didn't go into too many details. Pat asked if she was attending college. Lana said she had dropped out of community college, but hoped to return after she got a full time job and an apartment. She said she knew it would take a while to earn a year's worth of credits, then hopefully she'd have some money saved and was hoping to start at a university, maybe at DeKalb or Champagne.

Pat asked, "What about the university here?"

"I... I didn't apply here."

"We have a bit of a rep as a party school, but this is a good university. We offer as many majors as DeKalb, plus a med school. Champagne is the best state university, but this is a good school, Lana."

"Maybe... maybe I'll apply here, but that's in the future anyway."

Maureen looked at her husband. "Pat?"

He smiled at his wife, then looked at Lana. "I think you should apply here as soon as you can, and... and not worry about tuition or where you might live, but... we can talk about that later."

Lana blinked, then her stomach knotted. "I-I didn't call you or come here because..."

Maureen cut her off. "We know that, honey. We'll talk later about it, like Pat said."

During dinner, Maureen and Pat asked more questions about Lana's life. Nothing too deep or probing, keeping things light. Pat asked if she had played sports in middle or high school. Maureen asked her what she liked to do to have fun.

Lana asked questions about them, where they had grown up, where and when they met, when they were married. She even smiled at what Maureen said after she asked Patrick if he had been in sports in high school or college.

Maureen rolled her eyes, "Oh god... don't get him started!"

After dinner they watched some home movies and some home videos. The home movies were transfers onto video tape, of Barbara as a baby and a little girl, then some movies to video tape of Lana as a baby, then straight video of Lana as a toddler.

The conversation got serious again for a half hour or so. Pat had a legal pad and he quizzed Lana more about Barbara's conviction, the name of the lawyer she had and where his office was located, which women's correctional facility she was in. He asked Lana if she knew if Barbara had been serving "good" time, not getting into trouble. That sort of thing. Pat kept an eye on his granddaughter to make sure he wasn't upsetting her. He noticed Maureen doing the same thing.

During that, Lana glanced around the living room looking for the dark blue, velvet upholstered armchair even though she doubted it would be there. No chair lasts nearly twenty years.

She asked Patrick if he thought there was anything legal he could do for her mother. He said he'd look into it, talk to her lawyer, look at the trial transcripts, but that Lana shouldn't get her hopes up. He glanced at Maureen and told her not to get her hopes up either.

Maureen was sad and saw Lana was too. She stood up. "It's time for dessert. Lana? Would you mind helping me? You like ice cream, don't you?"

Lana forced a smile as she stood up. "Yes, I like ice cream."

Maureen put her arm around Lana's shoulders as they started towards the kitchen area. "With whipped cream, nuts, and topping?"

Pat was perusing his notes. "That's how I want mine, the works."

Maureen rolled her eyes, then whispered to Lana, "I think he could stand to skip the whip cream, but not you and me."

Pat turned his head. "Hey... I heard that, Maureen."

Lana genuinely smiled, "I want the works too."

*

Lana tried to stop thinking about all that had transpired during the day. She glanced at the radio alarm clock. 1:47AM. She had been tossing and turning for the past few hours. She felt exhausted but couldn't sleep. She again tried the technique the therapist had given her. She had no calm, relaxing memory of her own so she always had to invent one. A few times she had tried to include him in it, but that usually had the opposite effect on her, it made her feel a thousand times more guilty, sad, and upset. She had tried because there were times with him when she had felt calm, safe, and protected; and even loved. Those were the only times in her life.