Kristen's Awakening

The moment I laid eyes on Abby, standing waiting for me, all the feelings I had been suppressing flooded back into me. My pulse quickened, my palms became damp with sweat, and I could feel the juices from my pussy beginning to soak my panties. I took a deep breath, and continued walking towards Abby, greeting her with my biggest smile. When she jumped wrapping her arms around me, the rush went straight to my head, making me nearly passing out. I hugged her back, but not too tightly, afraid if I did, I wouldn't let go. I slowly pushed her back, reaching tucking my hair behind me ear, needing a minute to collect my thoughts and catch my breath. She started telling me about her visit to her grandparents, and all the things she did while there. I nodded, saying very little, but at the appropriate times, mumbled a "yeah" or "really." About this time, I noticed that time was getting away from both if us and it was time we need to head to our first class.

Over the next couple of months, I avoided Abby as much as I dared. I wanted to be near her, but at the same time, I was increasingly drawn to her. At night when I lay in bed, my thoughts were always going back to Abby, no matter how hard I tried not to think of her. I was almost always in a constant state of arousal, I sometimes had to change my panties two, three times a day. I'd wake up in the morning, my panties, and bed would be soaked. I was afraid my room-mate would smell like I just had sex or something.

One day, just before Thanksgiving, we were standing in the hall way, she was holding both my hands in hers telling me that she was making plans for us to be together over the holidays. Later after one of my classes, a classmate approached and asked if Abby and I were lovers, and if I was really a lesbian. I was mortified, and vividly denied us being lovers or that I was even a lesbian. It was at this time, I seemed to cut off all communications with Abby. I refused to return her calls. My mother asked if anything was wrong, saying, "I talked to Helen, and she says Abby is frantic, trying to get in touch with you, but you won't call her or anything."

"No mom, everything is fine, I'm just really busy this year with school, that's all." I felt like she knew I was lying, but thought better to not interfere between Abby and myself.

The day before the holidays, Abby caught me in the hallway to remind me of our get together on Friday after Thanksgiving.

"Abby, my mother has something that came up and we'll be out of town and I won't be able to make it, I'm sorry, but I just found out about it last night." I felt she knew I was lying, but I had to say something to get out of going to her house.

"Ok Kristen! Are you sure everything is alright with you. You have been acting very strange lately. Is there anything I can do?"

"No Abby, it's just some problems I'm trying to work out at home. Thanks for asking anyway."

All through the holidays, all I did was lay in my bed crying. Whenever my mom came to see what was wrong I would tell her, "I have bad migraine, and it hurts a lot. I'll be alright, it gets like this every once in a while."

"Are you sure honey, I'll take to the ER if you need me to."

"No mom, I just want to be left alone, it will be ok by tomorrow."

"Ok, but if it's this bad tomorrow, we are going to the ER, like it or not!"

On Monday as I was slowly making my way to my first class, Abby stepped in front of me. Her lips were pressed tightly, her eyes were ablaze with raw anger.

"Abby..."

"Don't Abby me," as she cut me off to whatever I was about to say. "Look, if you don't want to be friends anymore, at least you could have had the common decency to at least tell me to my face. I know you were home all weekend, I drove by several times and both your cars were in the driveway. If you don't want to be friends, that's fine," as she reached up, ripping off the necklace with an engraved heart "To Abby, your best friend Kristen", that I gave her last Christmas and threw it hitting me in the chest. I watched as it fell to the floor.

As she turned to walk away, I screamed, "NO", dropping my books, turning and started running, bumping into a couple students who gathered to see what all the commotion was about, knocking a couple of them aside as I ran to the exit as fast as I could run. I hit the doors and kept running, leaving my car in the parking lot, running home. I was sobbing and running, my lungs began to burn, but I never slowed down.

As I got to the house, I yanked the keys from my pocket, opening the door, running into the living room, falling on the sofa, I was nearly out of breath, I was sobbing, trying to catch my breath, and all I could do was lay there, between gasps of breath, wailing in my own self misery. All I wanted to do was die to stop the hurt in my heart, and the pain I felt I caused everyone close to me. After a few minutes, I reached into my back pocket, pulling my cell phone out, hitting speed dial to call Maggie, her private cell number she gave me to call if ever there was an emergency. She answered her phone on the second ring, and all I could get out was a sob, "Maggie, help me please!" I started sobbing again, gasping for breath, "I need your help, please!"

"Kristen, what's wrong? Where are you? Are you hurt? Talk to me baby."

"I screwed up everything. Everyone is going to hate me. I need for you to help me."

"Where are you Kristen, are you home?" The sound of her voice showing real concern.

"Yes I am home..." As I began to cry again even harder, knowing now that my mother is also going to hate me for what I have become. As I lay there crying harder and harder each second, I heard her telling someone to pick me up and bring me to her office.

"Kristen, a good friend of mine is coming by to pick you up, she drives a Yellow Cab, and her name is Betty, she said she will be there in a few minutes, hang on and talk to me, can you tell me what's happening."

All I could do at the moment was lay there, crying and sobbing into the phone, repeating over and over, "Everyone hates me!"

I have no idea how long it was, but suddenly, I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, turning me over onto my back, and a deep voice saying, "It's ok sugar, ole Betty has you now and is gonna take good care of you and get you to see Maggie."

She took the phone from me, then telling Maggie that we should be there in about twenty minutes. She turned off my cell, then helped me up, slowly walking me to the door, which I left wide open and the keys still hanging in the lock. Betty had locked up the house, then walked me out to the car.

I sat silently in the passenger seat as we drove towards Maggie's office. Once there, Betty, a large black woman, helped me out of the car, and half carried me into the building and to Maggie's waiting room. Sara, her receptionist, told Betty to take me directly into Maggie's office.

I sat in one of the chairs, while Maggie was talking to Betty, thanking her for coming so fast to help me.

Maggie pulled her other chair up close, our knees were touching. She took my hands in hers, "Kristen, what has happened that has you so upset?"

"Everyone hates me!"

Sara, Maggie's receptionist then came into the office and told Maggie that she got ahold of my mother and that she would be here shortly.

I began to panic, yelling "No! No! You can't let her see me, you can't let her know." I was about to stand and run again, when Maggie, along with Sara's help held me down.

Maggie took my face in her hands and firmly said, "Kristen, you have to calm down and tell me what is so bad you can't even tell your mother?"

"She'll think I'm a fucking dyke, just like everyone else does." My tears again started flowing. I saw Maggie give a silent nod to Sara, who discreetly left the room, closing the door behind her.

Kristen, why don't you start from the beginning and tell me what happened, ok honey."

I told Maggie about my trip with Abby to the mountains, and how I felt things were starting to change between the two of us. I told her how I was constantly aroused whenever I was near her, and how I couldn't stop thinking of her. I told her how the girl at school saw us holding my hands and asked if we were lovers and if I was a fucking dyke. I told her how I kept blowing off Abby, until today when she confronted me, telling me she was no longer my friend, and threw the necklace I gave her for Christmas at me. I said that she must have figured out I was a fucking dyke, and now she too hates me.

"Kristen, I am going to ask you a series of questions, and I want you to look at me, not at the floor, but look at me! Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Wiping my eyes, biting my lower lip.

"Ok, have you told Abby how you feel?

"No not really, but she must have figured it out somehow."

"If you didn't tell her Kristen, how would she have figured it out if you told me you had limited contact with her?"

"I don't know, but she did!"

"Tell me Kristen, what exactly did she say to you?"

"She said that since I lied to her, and I didn't have the guts to tell her to her face I didn't want to be friends, then we were finished with each other."

"So maybe she really doesn't know, does she?"

Stopping to think about it for a minute, "Well, maybe not, looking at it that way."

"Now let me ask you this, does being who or what you are scare you more than what you really feel about being a lesbian, or is it what others might think of you?"

"I guess it's more what others are thinking, I hear them talking about other girls who they think are lesbians and what they say about them."

"People are going to talk, no matter what. Some do it out of meanness, some do it because they have nothing better to talk about. If you are a lesbian, you are going to meet people on both sides of the fence, some will hate you, some will accept you as you are, and others will not care one way or the other. You'll lose some friends, yet gain others who will support you. In the end, who and what you are, is more important than what others will think of you. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

"Yes, I'm beginning to. It's what's in my heart that matters, not what's on other peoples' minds."

"Exactly, you have the strength to overcome this, as you have overcame your other traumatic experiences. Because of the strength within you, I know you are going to also win over this one too! I think it's time to call your mother in give her some peace letting her know you are really ok, think you're up to it?"

As I sat in Maggie's office, maybe feeling a little better about myself and starting to make a little sense about what I may or may not have been feeling, my mother slowly walks into the office. I knew Sara had called her, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew she would show up, but I guess it was maybe expected, being I was her only child, and as a loving mother, that was her sole responsibility to be there for me, no matter what.

As she came over to where I was sitting, she leaned down, giving me a hug. Her favorite necklace, slipped free of her blouse and bumped my chest as we hug. Standing back up, she tucked her necklace back into her blouse and sat next to me on the sofa.

Maggie asked, "Kristen, would you like to tell your mother why you're here today? If you like, I'll tell her, but I think it should come directly from you."

Biting my lower lip, dropping my shoulders, I looked at Maggie, then slightly turned my head looking at my mother.

"Kristen dear, you know you can tell me anything you want. You are my daughter, and you know I love you very much. So why don't you just take a deep breath and tell me what has you so troubled."

Looking over at Maggie, she gave me a slight nod of her head, as if telling me it was ok to tell mom everything that was making me so confused. I turn a little more towards my mother, taking both her hands in mine...

"Mom, I didn't really know what I wanted, but for the past month or so, I guess I fully began to realize I was in love with Abby. I'm not sure how she feels, and to tell you the truth, I am scared to tell her. She might think I've reverted back to being a true nut case, and not wanting me near her anymore. I didn't want to tell her, thinking she would start hating me, telling her parents and all of them hating me."

"Honey, ever since that dance you went to and met Abby, I've watched the two of you grow closer and closer. By the end of summer, you both seemed to be joined at the hip, where you saw one, the other was there. All the mischief you had gotten into, it was hard to tell who was really the instigator, you or Abby. Mary and I have had a few long talks about the two of you. We weren't really positive, but we both felt that there just might be more between the two of you then two young women being close friends."

Looking into my mother's eyes, "You mean you and Mrs. Hart knew we might be a lesbians, and you both never said anything to either of us?

"Like I said, we had our suspicions, but that was for you and Abby to figure out on your own. Lord knows what either of you would have done if we just asked you both directly. That is not something someone can tell you what is or isn't. It has to come from within. It's not just a fantasy, it's something you have to accept as being a real part of yourself. Sometimes It can be hard to live with, but if it comes from within yourself, and accepting it as being who and what you are, then living the life as a lesbian becomes much easier."

"Does Mrs. Hart think Abby is also a lesbian?"

"Honey, we only had our suspicions, we have thought you both were sexually active with each other, but we really didn't know for sure. That is something you and Abby have to figure out on your own and with each other. I guess what I am telling you, if you really are a lesbian, and if you are going to be sexually active, then I wouldn't want it with anyone other than you and Abby. I'm not speaking for Mary, but if she were here this instant, I feel she would say the very same thing."

Leaning towards my mom, I wrapped my arms around her neck hugging her tightly.

"Mom, you know I love you very much, but maybe I haven't said it often enough. I love Mrs. Hart like a mother also, but you are the bestest mom in the whole world."

Maggie then came around from behind her desk, leaning down, she also gave me a hug as I was hugging my mom. As she gave me a hug, I felt something bump the side of my neck. Turning my head, I saw a necklace hanging from around her neck. I pulled away from my mother and reached up and took the necklace in my hand, to study it. Just as I got a good look at it, Maggie grabbed it, pulling it from my fingers and replacing it back inside of her blouse.

"No, wait a minute..." Standing, I again reached inside of Maggie's blouse, pulling the necklace from its confines, holding it in my fingers. Reaching down with my other hand, I pulled my mother's necklace from within her blouse. With both necklaces in my hands, I looked from one to the other, back and forth studying them both.

My mother's shoulders dropped as she lowered her head, biting her lower lip. Maggie spoke first, "Kristen, it's not what you really think."

"No Maggie, I don't know what to think, but I know what I am thinking. You always told me to put my worst fears out there, no matter what they may be, making it easier to see them and deal with them. Now it's your turn to practice what you always preached to me, and do the same."

"Kristen honey, sit down here and let me try and explain what happen."

Sitting down beside my mother, Maggie pulled one of her chairs up, and was sitting in front of the both of us. My mother straighten up her shoulders, lifted her head, looked at me, then looked over at Maggie, who again gave a slight nod, as if saying, go ahead and tell her.

"Kristen, about 6 months after the incident, I was having some troubles, both dealing with what had happen, and to be honest, with life itself. I came to Maggie, told her I was having some issues in life, and since she knew our family situation and history, if she would take me on as a patient, and maybe help me also. I started seeing Maggie once a week after that, and to tell you the truth, she helped me immensely." My mother stopped, looked at Maggie, then taking a deep breath she went on to say;

"I think it was on a Monday, after dropping off a client, I stopped at my favorite restaurant for some lunch, when I saw Maggie and another woman exit the restaurant. I was about to shout out to Maggie, when suddenly I saw that she was holding the others woman's hand in hers. As I sat there watching them both, I saw them kiss each other, and it wasn't one of those sisterly kisses, but a full blown out lover's kiss."

I looked over at Maggie, and I swear I seen her turn five different shades of red with embarrassment. Stifling my giggles, I turned my attention back to my mother.

As my mother continued her story; "I was upset, I wasn't sure what was going on, but the scene upset me. I watched as both got into their cars and left. I know neither saw me, but soon after they left, I left also, not really feeling hungry. I drove around for the next hour or so, trying to make sense of what I saw."

Taking another deep breath; "I finally stopped and called Maggie's office, talking to Sara, I canceled my next appointment for the coming Thursday with her, telling her something came up and I need to take care of it, and would call back to make an appointment at another time. Needless to say, my mind was in a turmoil for the next several days. Thankfully, you were occupied with Abby, so I really didn't have to worry about you seeing me upset."

"I'm sorry, I didn't even notice you being upset. I suppose I was to self-centered with my own problems to notice." Trying to console my mother.

"After many sleepless nights, almost screwing up a sale, on a Monday while sitting in my office, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was jealous of you Kristen, because you seemed so happy and content just being with Abby. I was angry at Maggie, not for kissing that girl. I was angry because it wasn't me that she was kissing. It dawned on me that I was in love with Maggie. Laugh if you want to, but deep down I knew I was in love with her."

You could see she was about to start crying, when I reached out and handed her a tissue.

After wiping her eyes dry, again she continued; "I had no idea how she felt about me, and at the time, I really didn't think it through. I called her office, and told Sara that I needed to see Maggie now, that it was the upmost importance. I told her it would only take a few minutes of her time, but it needed to be now. After she put me on hold for a few minutes, she came back on and said that Maggie could give me fifteen minutes at three thirty."

Looking over at Maggie, I could see a smile starting to grow on her lips. I suppose it brought back some fond memories.

"At three twenty, I was sitting in her office, waiting for her to finish up with her patient. After her patient left, a few minutes later, Sara told me to go ahead and enter Maggie's office. I sat down in front of her, sitting very straight in that chair she is sitting in now, and told her that I could no longer be a patient of hers."

"She had this really sad look on her face, her lower lip seem to quiver a little, as she picked up a pen to write something down in her ledger, she asked, why I didn't want to see her any longer as a patient, did I do something that upset you?"

"I sat there for a minute, fighting to keep up my nerve to finish what I just started. Either I was going to walk out of here, a very happy woman, or one that needed to find a new therapist and quickly."

"I told her yes and no! I can't see you as your patient any longer because of our present relationship I now have being your patient. I can't ask you to join me for dinner tonight, as your patient, I would never be able to tell you that I have feelings towards you, and hopefully maybe you might have some feelings towards me."