My Man, My Marine, My Lover! Pt. 02

I started to think about all of the time we could have had if he wasn't so stubborn and I yelled at myself for feeling and thinking that way. I didn't have the will or the desire to be mad at him. There was no way to get that time back and I had no time or energy to waste on something that I couldn't fix. I could, however, change things going forward.

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September 21, 2012

Hello Marine,

I miss you! I love you! I hope you are taking care of yourself! And no, all of my sentences will not end in an exclamation mark!

Everything here is fine. My research is going well. I just finished my final report on my head injury project. The brain is an amazing organ and the mind is fascinating. Just when you think things will not work the way they once did, the brain finds a way to retrain itself to make them work. A new pathway is formed to communicate old information to get it where it needs to go and restore function. My team and I are working on some really interesting research and treatment protocols.

It's funny, after two years of hard work I almost hate to have to bring it to an end. I will really miss some of my volunteers. They have become like good friends and some like family. I'll do my final presentation just before Christmas break. It will take me from now until then to get everything together, but that's enough "shop talk."

Brian, I just received your letter dated 10Sept. I'm happy to hear you like your men. I'm even happier to hear you have two experienced Team Leaders there for you and some seasoned unit members. Give me their names; I want to talk to them. : ) I want them to know how important you are to me. Do you think it will help if I bake and send cookies? Do they take baked goods as bribes?

As for some of your comments, I feel the need to address them immediately! (last one I swear) You will not know what "top secret intel" your Mom shared with me until I feel the need to use it! (ok, just one more) As far as your training, don't forget that I have access to the same information you did and I'm not afraid to take a crash course over the holiday break. I too have my ways Marine! In regards to you "having your ways," I thought I let you have your way with me before you left. I'm also more than willing to let you "have your way" with me when you return.

Yes, I did want to place another exclamation point there, but I refrained. Lastly, what do you mean by "brush up on new things?" What exactly are you thinking about soldier? Curious minds wish to know.

To quote a wise man I know, "Keep your helmet on, your head down, and remember there are no -you know what's-there." Trust yourself Brian. Trust your knowledge and your training. You are the best there is, you are the strongest there is, your goals are to "Realize your choice, Exceed beyond, to Conquer obstacles, On the battlefield and in life, you stand above, to Never forget you are a RECON Marine. Never forget you are My Marine. Understood soldier?

Be SAFE. I miss you! I love you! Take care of yourself for me! (I can't help it, I had to use them.)

I have loved you since I was eight; I will love you till I'm eighty. Be good. Be careful. Please be safe!

Love, Your "Brat"

P.S. We need to be able to talk more! It takes too long for letters to arrive. I think letters are going to be reserved for long personal communications and I love you stuff. Let me know how and when you can be online, via text, video chat, whatever. I'll get an international phone line if needed. I need more of you! In regards to the racy movies, I'll save them until you come home. It will be more fun to watch them together. Also, I spoke with your Mom about two days ago. All is well at home. So, don't worry.

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It was difficult to try and get back to normal for me. If I wasn't completely immersed in my research or my class work, I was always thinking about Brian and if he was safe. It was worse when I would lie down to go to sleep. I would lie there and try to shut off my brain, but I just kept thinking of him. His Mom sent me some information on a variety of ways we could communicate, but only a few worked for us. It was hard for us for a while.

Brian couldn't use video chat because it was restricted in his location. Most of the phone access the military had in place would require me to be near a base to use it because it was on secured military lines. Depending on where Brian was physically at the time of our calls on his personal phone, it was hit or miss on our connection or the length of time of our connection. What seemed to be the best and most reliable way for us to chat in between letters was the military's email system. The Army Knowledge Email System was what we used most between our "snail mail" letters. So, it was the military email system for every hello in between our snail mail letters!

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To: BriansBrat@XOXO Time: 1930, 31Oct12

From: BrianMillerYourMarine@XOXO

Hi Brat,

I miss you. I just wanted to check in quick while I have a minute. Everything is fine here. How r u? Happy Halloween. Do you have any plans for later tonight?

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To: BrianMillerYourMarine@XOXO Time: 1233, 31Oct12

From: BriansBrat@XOXO

Hi Marine,

No special plans. Just going out with a few friends to a party later tonight. Trying to put together a costume as we speak. Any ideas?

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To: BriansBrat@XOXO Time: 1936, 31Oct12

From: BrianMillerYourMarine@XOXO

Lots of ideas! None I can put into print! Code of Behavior prevents me from telling you, however, many of which I will be thinking about and picturing you in later when I hit my rack. Listen, I want you to have fun tonight. I'll be thinking of you. I have to go now one of my guys was injured today. I want to check with his Team Leader to see if he'll be good to go anytime soon.

I love you. Have fun tonight.

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To: BrianMillerYourMarine@XOXO Time: 1240, 31Oct12

From: BriansBrat@XOXO

Brian, I love you too! I love and miss you sooo much. I love that you want to take care of your men. I hope you are taking care of yourself also. Be safe over there. By the way, I'm overdue for a letter from you. I like these "little quickies" but I really need something more if you have time. No pressure, but make it good!

Love you, Your Brat!

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To: BriansBrat@XOXO Time: 1943, 31Oct12

From: BrianMillerYourMarine@XOXO

Yes Ma'am. One "No pressure, make it good, snail mail, love letter on its way." Andrea, stop worrying about me. I am being safe and I am taking care of myself. Everything is ok Baby. Relax! I love you! Have a good time.

Love you, Your Marine

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That was how our communications occurred between our "snail mail" letters. It was hard for both of us. I never imagined just how hard it would be. The distance, the time difference, the absence, the loneliness, it all starts to add up and it wears you down. It affects you physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I won't even think about how it affects your sex life or lack of one. If it was having this effect on me, what was My Marine going through?

At least I was at home. I had my normal everyday life going on around me. If I wanted to talk to my Mom or Dad, all I had to do was pick up the phone and call. If I missed them, I took a ride home for the weekend or asked them to come up and visit me. I had no hardships, no worries; no one was trying to kill me or my men on a daily basis. Ok, so I lived in Philadelphia, but it wasn't a war zone.

My Brian was not only in a war zone, he and his men were the ones going into the "hot zones" on a daily basis to see what was going on and to find "intel" or to identify "areas of activity." If and when they did find something or someone, it was their responsibility to get the information needed, analyze it and report back. They were literally putting their lives on the line every day. Insurgents were everywhere and almost every news report had a story on a unit or transport truck hitting an IED and our men and women being hurt or killed.

Brian's letters and emails were changing the longer he was stationed over there. Initially, he never said anything about his work or what they faced on a daily basis. Mostly, if he referred to anything about being there it was a story about one of his men or some kid they met during their drive-thru's.

I knew Brian was under a lot of stress. I could read it in his text and in his letters. His text would say something simple like "I need to check on one of my team, they got injured," but it really meant that something happened on one of their missions that put someone in the hospital. I knew him too well to not read between the lines. He would never tell me the whole truth, but I knew it wasn't as simple as what he said.

One time he ended an email with "I have late Office hours tonight; I have to talk to Sparky. So I won't be able to text very long." It wasn't until a few weeks before Christmas that he mentioned he had disciplined his radio operator. He said it by accident while texting and when I questioned him, he said it was no big deal.

In order for him to discipline someone either he or his Team Leader had a problem with the Marine. If a Team Leader brought the issue to Brian's attention, it was a big deal. Discipline is hard and swift when you fuck up in the Corps. I felt sorry for Sparky but I would bet money on the fact that whatever he did, he would never make that mistake again.

If Brian pulled someone in on the carpet to hand out discipline, it was a big deal. He wasn't the kind of officer who just nit-picked on every little thing. He's a man who definitely holds you responsible and expects nothing but the best from you. He also expects it of himself. He is too much like his Dad not to hold the line high, even higher in "his RECON unit." It's like I occasionally overheard my Dad say, "There is no such thing as a small mistake in the Marine Corps, especially if you're in the shit."

In addition to worrying about what he had to do there, worrying about the safety of his men, worrying that the decisions he made and the orders he gave could cost someone's life, he was also worried about what was going on here, at home. He constantly asked about his mother. When did I see her last? When did I talk with her last? How did she sound or look?

In order to put his mind at ease, when I went home for Winter break, I took a ton of videos. Videos of our parents having dinner together on Christmas Eve. Videos of Christmas day breakfast. Pictures of us opening presents. Videos of the Christmas parade on base. Videos of our families at the lake cabin on New Year's Eve. Pictures of his brother, me, and our Dads jumping in the freezing cold water to welcome in the New Year like we did when we were teenagers. Although, I have to say, I don't remember the water ever being that cold.

I placed everything onto a CD. I sent the pictures and videos via email and sent him a copy of the CD via "snail mail." He loved it. It was too bad there was so much else weighing on his mind. His teams were always on one mission or another. Surveillance missions were constant. Intel gathering never stopped and they were constantly going in and out of towns, making contacts, gather information and verifying any leads. I could hear the stress in his voice as I read the letter he sent after he received the videos and pictures.

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2130, 20Jan12

Hello My Lovely Brat,

I can't tell you how much I loved the pictures and videos you sent me. It was the best Christmas present ever. Except for my book of course! You giving me that book, getting mad at me, and not talking to me, made me realize something at the time. I knew if I couldn't stand not talking to you for those few days, I would never be able to live without you. I wasn't happy with myself for thinking it then, but I knew I was in love with you and there wasn't much I could do to fight it. That book changed both of our lives. I hope you don't regret giving it to me or what followed.

Baby, I can't tell you how much I love and miss you. I close my eyes and you are the first thing I see. I go to bed and you are my last thought before I finally fall asleep. My first thought every morning is of you. Then reality sets in and I realize I'm in the -- of the world.

I'm sure you have been keeping up on the news reports about "local" events. We have been pretty busy the last few weeks. Mid-December we were assigned to ensure the safety of some "politicals" here. The Iraqi President had a stroke. Military Brass was in and out of Baghdad for days and nights. What a CF (cluster f-)!

A few days later, 21Dec12, we had some problems with the Kurds. Not like that is anything new here. They wanted to show their dislike for foreign influence in their country so they placed some oil wells on fire. The flames were magnificent in the black of night. It was actually a rather impressive sight. A Hint to the amount of oil that burned would be to say, take your savings and buy up some oil/gas stocks.

We were playing "security guards" for a local political the other night. After multiple assassination attempts on him, someone decided to drive a car bomb into his house. It's no secret; it's all over the news. If it's not a run through Baghdad, it's a baby-sitting job in Kurdish. I'm glad Uncle Sam spent so much time and money on educating and training us.

Scratch that Baby, I'm just a little cranky tonight. I probably shouldn't be writing to you in this mood, but I feel closer to you when I'm writing to you. It's like the perfect conversation, I talk and you don't interrupt me, correct

me, or put your fingers over my mouth because you don't like what I'm saying. (Remember I love you!)

Anyway, like I said, I feel closer to you when I'm writing to you. Right now, I feel the need to be close to you. I wish you were in my arms right this minute. I wish my mouth was on yours. I wish your body was against mine and that our fingers were locked tight (and other parts!). God, If I close my eyes and turn on my imagination I cannot only see you; I can even smell your berry shampoo when I take a deep breath. I wish I could taste you baby. I do.

I ache for you Andrea. My body, my mind, my heart, and my soul all ache for you!

Andrea, I love you. I've loved you most of my life and then some! Be good Baby. Good night and sweetest dreams.

Love, Yours Always

Brian

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My Marine, My Brian was hurting and there wasn't very much I could do for him. I needed to stay strong and just keep making sure he had whatever he needed to know that we hadn't forgotten that he was over there. I wanted him to know that we hadn't forgotten where he and his men were or what they were doing. So, I arranged what I called a "Support Mission" for Brain's Platoon. Several of my friends all baked two dozen cookies each. We had twenty four dozen cookies to box and send. We also collected money at a donation table to send "personal items" to the Platoon.

We collected over three hundred dollars in about nine hours just by placing a few jars on a table. I had pictures of Brian and his men on poster boards. I wrote a little story about who they were and what they were responsible for doing while on duty. One of the students that passed by tossed a twenty dollar bill in the jar and he told us that his brother was in the Navy and his family sent care packages monthly.

A few days later, I took the money and bought everything from razors and shaving cream to deodorant and phone cards. When I packed everything up, I marked a box of cookies special for Brian. I labeled it in big red letters, "Lieutenant Brian Miller: FYEO!" (for your eyes only) From: BRAT xo I placed a little surprise in it for him. Now, all I had to do was mail it and pray it reached Brian before anyone else opened it. I also placed my letter in the box with the cookies so that he could get my letter and my surprise at the same time.

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February 14, 2013 2300

Hi Marine,

I miss you too! I love you too! In fact, I loved you first and a lot longer!! Will you be my Valentine? Please say yes, because if you don't I have no Plan B. If you don't say yes, my life will be FUBAR! And it will all be your fault. You know my Daddy won't like that and won't be happy with you. So, you really have no choice!

I'm glad you loved the pictures and videos. Your emails have kept me going but nothing makes me feel like I do when I get your letters. I slept with your last one for days. I wish I were in your arms too. I wish I could wrap my arms and legs around you and just hold you for days, weeks, and months, forever!

I hope this box of cookies arrived intact! I want you to pull out the bag of cookies and pull back the tissue paper on the bottom of the box. Go ahead and do it now. I will wait here patiently...Ok. I have waited long enough. Now pull the piece of cardboard back. Open the envelope in your hand. Are you surprised? Do you like them?

Either you are saying, "Baby, I fucking love them!" or you are saying, "Baby, what are you talking about, there is nothing in the bottom of this box!" I'm hoping it's option number one. If it's option number two, then some other Marine has a half-naked picture of me in a pair of white silk panties with a lace crotch and a half cup bra! Not to worry though, he will be more interested in the second picture in which I am no longer in the half cup bra! And then of course the third picture in which I am no longer in the white silk panties!

Oh well! OO RAH!! No one can say I don't support my Marines! Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope these pictures brighten your mood. I hope they make you feel closer to me. I hope they help you to sleep better tonight. Remember when you left, I told you "the only thing you could get happy with is your hand"? Well I hope these help you to "get happy." More importantly than your happiness, at least for now, is your safety and well-being and I can't have you thinking like you were thinking in your last letter.

I need you to pull it together Marine. I won't pretend I have any idea of what it is like for you over there or what you and your men are dealing with daily. What I do know is who you are and what you have inside of you. You are a good man. You are a great Marine. You are a strong man made even stronger because you are a Marine. You are an intelligent man made more intelligent and formidable because of your Marine education and training. You are also a loving and caring man, but if that gets in your way, CLOSE IT DOWN!! That being said, if you need to shut down the loving and caring part and build a wall of defense around you to protect yourself, DO IT!! DO IT NOW!! I will break it down when you come home to me.