Overwhelming Urges

Once they were next to her car and they were all alone he asked again, "Jenna? What's going on? Is Oliver okay?"

She'd saturated the one tissue which was no longer doing any good. "He's fine, Marqueese. It's me."

He put his hands back on her shoulders and said, "Jesus. Jenna, is it your health? Did you get bad news or something?"

"No. Nothing like that."

"Then what is it? Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it?" he asked.

Jenna suddenly stopped crying and looked up at him. "Not like this," she said. "I mean, I'm a mess. You'd be embarrassed to be seen with me."

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't talk like that. You're a beautiful woman. I'd be proud to seen with you anytime, any place," he told her. He smiled to make sure she knew he meant it.

"Really?" she asked. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Oh, hell yeah, girl. If you weren't married..." He stopped smiling and said quickly, "Whoa. Sorry about that, Jenna. I didn't mean it like that."

"I know what you meant, Marqueese. I understand. But that was still very nice to hear." She wiped her eyes with her coat sleeves then tried to smile. "See how beautiful I am?" she joked knowing her face was a disaster.

"Come here," he said taking his hands off her shoulders. She hesitated and he said, "Come on. Bring it in. Let's hug this out, okay?"

Slowly, she stepped forward. First one tiny step and then another. When she looked at him he told her, "That's my girl. All right. Gimme them arms."

She felt her heart start racing as she raised her arms to hug this gorgeous black man. As she put her arms around her neck, her body ached for him. When he put his around her, she wanted to tell him how many times she fantasized about him. How every time her husband made love to her she wished it were him. She'd die if he learned she imagined him naked, his thick cock dangling a full foot in front of her. How could she tell him she wanted to take it—take him—in her hands—both of them—and bring it to life—to its full length. Long, thick, hard...and oh-so black. The thought of him penetrating her like some kind of bull was almost enough to bring about a first orgasm without so much as a touch. And here she was in his arms for the first time and she couldn't even kiss him.

"You okay now?" he asked as he held her close.

"Yes," she said resting her head on his shoulder. "Much better. Thank you, Marqueese."

"Go home. Get some rest. I'll see you back her tomorrow, okay?"

She wanted to beg him not to let her go but she didn't say anything other than, "Okay. See you then."

"All right! That's my girl," he told her. He turned to walk away then looked back and said with that big, beautiful smile of his, "And you are beautiful. Don't forget that now!"

As Jenna sat down in her car, she felt more lost and confused than she'd ever felt in her life. She actually sat there and thought she finally understood why people drank and did drugs. "If it helps make this kind of pain go away..." she thought to herself. She started the car then saw herself in the rearview mirror. "Oh, my heavens!" she said out loud. "You're a mess, Jenna Porter," she said to herself. "And maybe you are sick—mentally anyway."

After she got home, she got undressed, cleaned herself up, then crawled into bed, and fell asleep. She wanted the world—and especially these hideous desires—to just...go away.

______________________________________________________________________

Two days later in Comparative Religion 201 class:

"Okay, so I hope everyone read chapters 4-6 otherwise none of this will make a lot of sense. First question today then is this: why do people in all cultures continue to believe in God when there is no physical evidence he exists? Anyone?"

Oliver hated this comparative religion class. He thought it would be three easy credits in Humanities, but it turned out to be nothing but endless frustration. What troubled him was the frustration didn't come from his desire to stand up and argue every day but from the fact that so much of what Professor Koralewski said rang a bell. These were the very things that started nagging at him on his mission and they'd only grown worse since. If she was right, then it wasn't just that The Church wasn't true, all religion was man-made a bunch of what his father called 'hooey.'

All religion was predicated on a loving God who was intimately interested in us. And yet when he found the courage to strip away all of the things he'd been taught, everything pointed to a universe that really had somehow just sprung into existence. Prayer did nothing and every scientific study proved that. If prayer made no difference regardless of one's particular denomination or faith, how could anyone be 'up there' listening? It meant there was no living prophet, there was no eternal marriage, and for that matter no eternal life. This was it. But accepting that was easier said than done because to do so meant to tear apart his entire world and maybe even his marriage.

As he thought it through again, it seemed like the only thing anyone could offer as 'proof' God exists was: "Well, you can't prove God doesn't exist or that he doesn't answer prayers." He also couldn't prove unicorns or aliens didn't exist so that wasn't a valid point. In all fairness, many pointed to the incredible fine-tuning of the universe and that WAS true. So many things were so perfectly dialed in that the slightest change to any one thing could make life impossible. But even that didn't prove God's existence. It only proved that things had to be finely tuned for live to evolve on earth. And if He did exist, how was it that people tended to be the religion of their geographic local? People in Iran never became Mormons. They became Muslims. People born in Utah tended to never become Muslims. They were mostly LDS. Those in China were Buddhists and so on. If all religions were man-made, then the geography piece fit perfectly with that concept.

Oliver felt like his head was going to explode, something that happened with frightening regularity these past couple of years. The only time he got any relief was when he was in a math class. It was all so pure and logical and free of controversy. Add to all of this whatever was going on with Jenna and things looked pretty bleak for a guy who's life was based on family and faith.

"Okay, make sure you read chapters 7-10 people!" she said as class was dismissed. Oliver had zoned out for the entire hour. He had no idea what was discussed during the lecture.

"Come on, pull yourself together," he told himself on the way out of class. On the way out, he told himself something else. There was a book he'd been wanting to read for over a year, but fear kept him from even looking at it let alone buying it. The controversy raging in his mind was so intense he could no longer avoid reading something—anything—that might bring relief.

He went to the section on religion and there was still one copy left. As he looked at the title, Mormonism: Shadow or Reality? all of the fears he had about reading 'anti-Mormon literature' welled up inside of him. And yet an even deeper fear had been building in him for many months now. What if this was all just a bunch of hooey? Was he doing something terribly wrong to investigate his doubts or was he finally, maybe for the first time in his, actually pursuing the truth? Even as he paid for the book, he still wasn't sure whether or not he was making a huge mistake.

Jenna was still at work when Oliver got home and he wasted no time digging in. After quickly scanning the table of contents and looking through the pictures—some of which rocked him to his very core—he began reading. Three hours later he closed the book and just sat there staring into space. He had no idea how long he sat there—zombie-like—but he knew it continued until he heard the sound of the door opening and Jenna coming home. He snapped out of his trance and stood up to kiss his wife hello. "How was your day?" he asked her.

"Not too bad," she told him. "Busy mostly." She wasn't about to discuss her meltdown earlier in the week. Mercifully, her 'demons' had largely taken a break the last two days off. She still found herself sneaking glances at Marqueese, but she'd been able to keep things under control. Maybe the bishop's blessing was working after all! "How was your day?" she asked in return as she set her things down and got ready to start making dinner.

"Okay, I guess."

"That doesn't sound very convincing. Anything you want to talk about?" she asked as she got down plates and glasses.

"It's that comparative religion class. It...it makes me crazy. The professor has no understanding of Truth and authority. Everything is so secular and so one-sided."

"Well, you knew that would be the case when we left BYU, honey. This is a state university and they're not going to be teaching the Gospel. It's all evolution, all the time."

"Yeah, I know," he said reluctantly agreeing with her. "It would just be nice to have some balance, you know?"

"The world isn't about balance, Oliver. It's a battle between good and evil; the Savior and the Adversary. That's why we have The Church and a living prophet. To keep us grounded in the Truth." Even as she spoke those words, her own battle continued to roil just beneath the surface. She had no idea her husband was dealing with a similar conflict of his own.

Their anniversary was the next day and Jenna was hurt that Oliver hadn't so much as mentioned it. She'd stopped at a Hallmark store after work and spent quite a bit of time looking for the perfect card for her husband. While he was clearing the table after dinner, she snuck into their bedroom and unzipped his book bag. She slowly and carefully reached in and slid out of his books so she could tuck the card inside. What she saw sent chills through her as she stared at the cover. She'd heard of this book before. It was one of the most infamous anti-Mormon books ever written. The authors, Jerald and Sandra Tanner, were former members of The Church who had become apostates who'd exposed every single thing about the sacred temple ceremony while saying some of the most awful things ever said about the Prophet Joseph Smith. This was pure, unadulterated garbage. It was...evil!

Oliver had obviously read it. His handwritten notes were in the margins on numerous pages. He'd highlighted and underscored many different points and written things like 'yes!' or 'exactly!' next to them. Jenna was so stunned by what she found she was still holding it when Oliver came looking for her.

"Oh, here you..." He saw the book in her hand and that sick feeling started in his stomach and worked its way throughout his body.

"How could you?" she said without looking at him. "Is this required reading for your class? Please tell me it is. Please tell me you didn't decide to read this...filth...on your own."

He sat on the bed next to her and said, "I'm not sure where to even begin, Jenna."

"Well, you better start somewhere. Do you know who Jerald and Sandra Tanner are, Oliver? Do you know how much they hate The Church? I was flipping through this...book...and saw pictures of temple garments! They revealed the temple endowment ceremony word for word in here! This is...blasphemous! Oliver, you're a returned missionary, an elder in The Church. How could you do this?"

"Jenna? I have...questions. A lot of questions."

She sat the book down and pushed it away as though it was poison. "Questions or...doubts?"

"I don't know. Questions mostly, I guess. Maybe doubts. I just don't know."

"For how long?" she asked. He could feel the fear in her voice.

"Since my mom got sick," he told her.

"Reading this kind of...trash...isn't going to answer your questions, Oliver. It's going to destroy your testimony. What kind of questions are you even talking about?"

He took a deep breath and said, "Are you sure you want to get into this right now?" He looked at her and she just nodded. "Okay. Well, it started with the notion of answered prayer. We're taught if we shall ask anything in His name, He will do it. Not might do it. Not maybe do it. Will do it. But no matter who prayed for my mom or how hard they prayed, she just kept getting sicker until she died. So either God's ways really are so far above ours we can't understand them or...there's no one 'up there' listening."

Jenna looked at him with total incredulity. "You can't possibly believe that," she said. "If that were true, not only would the LDS Church not be true, there would be NO true church on the earth. There would be no God. That's just absurd, Oliver. I know there is a God and I know The Church is true."

"Did you know the temple ceremony is almost identical to the Masonic ritual they carry out in their lodges?"

"So?" Jenna said with resentment.

"Did you know Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were both master Masons?"

"Well, the Masons perverted the original temple ceremony revealed to Solomon and the Lord revealed the original ceremony to the Prophet Joseph Smith. So yes, there are bound to be similarities."

Oliver was treading on dangerous ground but he decided to plow it anyway. "Or...Brigham Young got to Utah and used the Masonic ritual as the basis for our current temple ceremony."

"What is WRONG with you!" Jenna said raising her voice at him for the first time.

"You asked me what kinds of questions I have." He looked at her then said, "Did you know the Book of Mormon is completely unreliable geographically speaking? No one has ever used it to find anything in the Western Hemisphere the way people have used the Bible. There is no place called 'Zarahemla' or Adam Ondi Omen. But The Church tells us that, unlike the Bible which has translational errors, the Book of Mormon is the infallible, perfect word of God. And it's not even accurate when it comes to the places it talks about."

"Okay! I don't want to hear any more of this. I can't believe you're even thinking like this! You need to pray for forgiveness and seek the Spirit of the Lord!"

Oliver was looking down at the floor when he replied. "Jenna? Has there never been a time when you prayed for something and it didn't happen? Have you ever asked for help with something but the something wouldn't go away? I know I have. My mother was the first thing but by no means the last. In fact, almost nothing I ever pray for happens. And those few things that do can be chalked up to coincidence as mush as answered prayer. So is it just me or has that really never happened to you, too. Be honest, honey."

Jenna realized she'd been in an almost trance-like state. She was reflexively defending The Church to her husband the way she'd been taught to defend it against non-Mormons her whole life. She wasn't answering his questions, she was just repeating what she'd been taught. Even so, she wasn't aware that's what she'd been doing until he asked if that had ever happened to her. She thought about her professor at BYU, about Marqueese, about the bishop and the blessing she'd received. Her temptations were still there. The same desires still existed. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all. Still, she couldn't admit there was a direct connection. Heavenly Father was letting her be tested. He would answer her in His own time. It wasn't possible she was receiving no help because there wasn't a Helper. Was it?

"Jenna? Did you hear me, honey?"

"Oh, sorry. Yes, I heard you," she said in a hollow voice.

"So has that ever happened to you?" he asked again.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight," she told him.

He slid over next to her and put his arm around her. "You know I love you, right?"

She nodded her head but didn't speak. He picked up the card she'd set on the bed. "I didn't forget," he told her. "I made reservations for us tomorrow for dinner at your favorite place."

Even that didn't make Jenna smile. "Are you mad at me?" he asked as he took her hand and squeezed it.

"No."

"Disappointed in me maybe?"

"No."

"Then what is it, honey? Can you talk to me? Please?"

"No."

"Is 'no' all you can say?" he asked her.

"I can't talk about it right now," she said.

"It? What do you mean by 'it', Jenna?" he said with genuine concern. He knew Jenna was a very attractive woman with beautiful, naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Guys had always hit on her. He wasn't jealous because he was as good-looking as she was beautiful, but the thought of her cheating on him made him sick. "Have you...have you...strayed?"

Jenna looked at him and said, "No. Never. I've never so much as held hands with another man since I met you. So, no, I've never strayed." She said to herself, "Not physically, at least."

"This was really hard for me to talk about, even with you, Jenna. Whatever's bothering you can't be worse than me wrestling with my faith." He brushed back the her hair that had fallen in front of her face then said, "Can it?"

She reached up and took his hand and said, "Not now. Okay, honey? I need some time to process what you just told me. And yes, there is something that's bothering me, but you can rest assured I've never cheated on you. Ever."

"Okay. That's fair enough." He leaned over to kiss her but for the first time ever she didn't respond. He settled for a kiss on the cheek then said, "I still have a lot of reading to do for tomorrow's classes so..."

Jenna didn't respond or even look at him. Oliver wasn't freaking out, but we was very concerned. He'd never seen her act or react like that. His greatest fear was that she might have cheated on him. Now that fear was being replaced by the fear she might not love him because of these growing doubts. And he understood why completely. She couldn't be exalted with him were he to lose his testimony of The Church. She'd have to find a new husband for eternity so why would she want to live the rest of her life with a man to whom she couldn't be married forever? Oliver got that. He also understood that these gnawing questions had to be resolved one way or the other before they tore him apart.

Jenna was already in bed that evening when Oliver finally finished all of his homework and preparations for the next day. As he climbed into bed next to her, he could tell she was still awake. "You okay?" he asked.

She didn't respond. "Well...good night. I love you," he said before he rolled over on his side.

Several minutes later as he was drifting off, Jenna said, "Oliver? What would you do if you decided there wasn't anyone 'up there' listening? What if you decided The Church isn't true?"

He rolled back over to face her and said, "What do you mean, 'what would I do'?"

"Would you quit going to church?"

"I don't know. Probably."

She reached for his hand then asked, "Would you leave me?"

He could hear her blinking away tears causing him to sit up. "Hey. Where is that even coming from? No, I wouldn't leave you, Jenna. I love you." He watched tears spill down her cheeks then said, "Would you leave me? If I didn't believe in God anymore? If I wasn't...honoring my priesthood?"

Jenna had only cried once in all the time he'd known her and those had been tears of joy. As tears continued to run down her face, she began to sob. "I don't know. I'm just so...confused. I feel like my whole world is being turned upside down." She was having trouble speaking as he body spasmed and jerked from crying so hard.

"I'm sorry," he told her sincerely. "This is all my fault. I never met to cause you this kind of pain. I love you so much."

She was crying so hard she couldn't breathe and had to sit up. Oliver handed her a bunch of tissues which she just held in her hand. As her body heaved, she tried to speak. "There's something I have to tell you, too," she managed to say one word at a time. She partially turned toward him and again, one word at a time told him, "I'm just so afraid!" She was nearly hysterical. Her face was all screwed up in anguish from whatever was troubling her so much.