Overwhelming Urges

"Do you want to pray about it?" he asked.

"No!" she sobbed. "That's...all I've done...for years now...and...it never changes! Nothing ever changes!!"

Oliver moved close to her and put his arm around her and just held her until she cried herself out. When she couldn't cry anymore, she lay back down. Her body jerked and shivered until she finally fell asleep and even then continued to do so for quite some time. Oliver sat there in the dark staring at the bedspread. He had no idea what was tormenting his beautiful wife, but if it was anything like what was eating him alive from the inside out, he pitied her.

When he woke up, he could hear her in the shower. He rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom to pee. She saw him and said, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. You?"

"Better, thanks. That was a rough night."

He finished up and before flushing the toilet told her, "No kidding. That was pretty awful." He warned he was about to hit the handle so she could step back before a blast of cold water hit her.

They didn't talk much during breakfast and for the first time in their marriage, they didn't pray together before starting their day. Just before Jenna left for work she said, "I'm sorry for getting so crazy last night, honey."

"It's okay. That was a very emotional conversation."

"Maybe we can talk about it this weekend," she said as she opened the door.

He gave her a kiss and said, "Sure. Anytime. Just let know when, okay?"

It was all Oliver could do not to bring up it that evening. The following day was Saturday and he just knew Jenna would mention it at some point, but she didn't say a word the entire day. Sunday morning however, she sat down next to him on the couch in their tiny apartment and said, "Could we stay home from church today?"

Oliver turned to her and said, "Are you serious?"

"I think I'm finally ready to talk," she told him.

"Oh, okay then. Um, sure...we can do that."

Both of them showered and got dressed but not in church clothes. Oliver wore a University of Washington sweatshirt and jeans while Jenna wore jeans and a sweater. She'd just finished blow drying her hair when she came out of the bathroom and said, "Okay, if now is a good time for you then..."

"Yeah, let's talk. You first, okay?" he said as he took her hand and helped her get seated on the couch. He turned sidewise with one leg underneath him and looked at her letting her know he was listening.

"Whew. Where to start?" she said without looking at him.

"At the beginning?" he suggested.

She smiled for the first time since their big 'talk' and Oliver felt much better. "Okay, well, for me, this all started in college." For the next ten minutes or so, she did her best to explain what she was feeling, but in a way that didn't sound threatening to Oliver. "So, as I told you, I've never...ever...been unfaithful to you." She looked over at him in a way that melted his heart. He could see how hard this was for her; how just talking about it hurt her knowing how it must be hurting him. "I'm not sure I'd have ever had the courage to bring this up had you not told me how you feel about prayer." She looked at him for a reaction and seeing none said, "I'm not blaming you, honey. This is all my stuff. But after I went to see the bishop and got a blessing and nothing changed, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. And then just days later you tell me you don't understand how we can pray and pray and pray and have nothing change." She looked at him again for some kind of emotion. "So when I found out you'd already confronted the very issue I was just beginning to think about, it...I don't know. It's like it tripped some kind of switch inside me."

"Switch?" he said finally breaking his silence.

"Well, yes. Maybe like a switch that finally let me consider the possibility that what you've been saying is true."

"That there's no one 'up there' listening?"

"Exactly. I mean, I wasn't praying for money or fame. I just wanted help to make these...feelings...go away. I just wanted to put them behind me and get back to my...our...life together. Does that make sense?"

Oliver sat up straight and said, "It makes perfect sense. I wasn't asking for anything for myself, either, when I prayed for my mom to get better. All I wanted was for her to be able to see her future grandchildren; to not to be in pain. It was all for her. And yet she died just a few months later and in such terrible agony."

"So what now? Where do we go from here? Do we keep going to church hoping we'll get passed this? We were both born and raised LDS, Oliver. It's all we've ever known. Are we going to become apostates and leave The Church? What's next...for us?"

Oliver took a deep breath and said, "I don't know. I've been thinking about this for several years and I still don't know. I'm not angry at The Church or God or anyone. It's just that I can't shake this feeling that all of this...Mormonism, Christianity, Islam, all of it...is just a creation of man. Even God."

Jenna was staring at the little coffee table in front of them. "So man created God rather than God creating man? Hmmm. I've never once thought of that. What about our families? What about our friends? If we quit going to church our whole lives will be turned upside down."

Oliver sat in silence with her for a few moments then said, "Or...right side up."

"Right side up?" Jenna asked looking over at him.

"Yeah. I mean, if there is no God, if The Church isn't 'true', then we've been holding on to all of these man-made beliefs all of our lives. And for what? If there's no God, there's no celestial kingdom, no exaltation, no nothing beyond this life."

"But what if there is? What if we quit going and we find out we made the worst mistake possible? A mistake with eternal consequences?"

"I know. I've thought of that a thousand times," he told her. "I just don't think Pascal's Wager is a good enough reason to live one's life under false pretenses. You know, on the possibility God exists so we should believe in him."

"This is all...very scary to me."

"Me, too," he told her. "How about this? Let's take one week off from all church-related activity. Going to church, praying, reading the Scriptures. None of that for one week. Then next Sunday morning we'll re-examine this."

"One week," she said. "Okay, one week. But if we're miserable, we go back to church and work through this, right?"

"Or maybe we take it a week at a time. Let's say we feel the same way next Sunday morning. Why can't we give our experiment another week or even two? It might be that we'll just be missing all of the social aspects of The Church rather than its doctrinal truths. So maybe we can sort of play it by ear."

Jenna agreed to a trial period but wanted a limit of one month put on it. Oliver agreed even though he'd prefer it remain open-ended. Each Sunday morning they'd discuss their feelings and Jenna had to be extra cautious at work with the thing that was the source of her shaken faith.

After the first week both of them admitted feeling like they'd lost a loved one. By abandoning parts of their daily and weekly routine, they felt like something was missing. However, by the second week both of them felt much more comfortable and by the third, that feeling was almost gone. However, missing three Sundays in a row brought an unexpected visit from Bishop Calvert who stopped by to see if everything was okay.

"Oh, sure. We were just um...a little under the weather last week and we'd been up really late the week before doing a project for school and then we were out of town and...you know...stuff like that." Oliver knew how lame that sounded, but he just didn't feel like getting into everything right then and there.

"Okay, well how about we pray together before I leave?" Calvert suggested. They couldn't very well tell them they'd stopped praying let alone not noticed one bit of difference in their lives. They prayed, shook hands, and assured him they be back next Sunday. But the moment they looked at one another, they knew that wasn't true.

"You don't want to go back, do you?" she said without accusing him.

"Nope. I don't. Do you?" he asked.

"No. And worst of all is that I don't even care that I don't." She thought for a moment then said, "Maybe I should have said 'best of all'." When he smiled at her, she laughed.

"I love you so much," she told him. "You know that won't change, church or no church, right?"

He pulled her close and said, "It better not." He kissed her and for the first time in over two weeks, she melted in his arms.

"Mmmm. Take me to bed, Maverick or lose me forever," she said stealing and botching a line from the movie Top Gun.

"You mean 'Goose', right?" he said correcting her.

"Uh-uh. I want Tom Cruise today," she said as she pulled him into the bedroom.

When they undressed, they were standing there in their temple garments, the underwear all Mormons who've been through the temple wear for 'special protection.'

"I don't know about you, honey, but I don't want to wear these anymore, either," he told her as he removed the one-piece garment.

"Okay," she told him. "Besides, I look pretty sexy in a bra and pantie set, don't I?" she teased.

"Sexy enough to..." he stopped without finishing his sentence.

"Why Oliver Preston, were you about to use foul language?"

His cock was already rock hard as he looked at his naked wife. He took her in his arms and hugged her saying, "Yes I was. I almost dropped the F-bomb."

"Oooh! Shame on you!" she teased. She reached down and grabbed his fully-erect member and said, "So were you about to say you want to...fuck me?"

Neither of them had ever used that word in their lives. Both of them had said words like hell, damn, and even shit a few times, but serious profanity was off limits. Hearing his sexy wife say something like that turned him on immensely.

"Mmmm. That was way hot, honey," he told her as he pushed down on the bed.

She laughed them raised her head to watch him as he went down on her. "Mmmm. I love watching you...eat my pussy," she said trying not to laugh.

She heard Oliver moan with pleasure as he dove in making her do the same but for a different reason. "I think I'm going to like this latest change," she said as he licked her clit gently. Jenna hissed with pleasure as he licked harder and faster. He slid a finger inside her causing her moan softly. Once he'd gotten a third finger inside of her vagina...Oliver almost laughed at how that's what he still called it...she was pulling on him to mount her.

He offered her his wet fingers which she hungrily sucked clean. "Yum," she purred.

Oliver looked at her and smiled. "You ready to get fucked?"

Jenna pulled him down hard and arched her back giving him the perfect angel. "Mmmm. Fuck, yeah!" she said still trying not laugh for using such a forbidden word. Even in the privacy of their bedroom, they'd never said that to one another—ever. Jenna loved this new-found freedom and couldn't wait to try new things.

Oliver entered her pussy which was drenched in her juices and hammered her harder than he'd ever done before. "Mmmm! Yes! Oh, honey! That feels so good!" she moaned. "Fuck me harder!" she begged.

She got what she asked for and moments later she was coming so hard she thought she might shake herself apart. As soon as he'd cum inside of her she pushed him off and taken him into her mouth to lick off his cum and her own juices.

"Wow," he said. "That was new. And nice."

"I'm just so hungry to try new things," she told him.

"Me, too. I feel like I want to break every rule...just because."

She pulled him back on top of her and said, "Making love with you is nice, but I like getting fucked a lot more." Both of them laughed as Oliver began getting hard again.

"Then you're gonna love what I'm about to do to you," he said as he slid back inside of her and began pounding her still-wet pussy.

That afternoon they went to the nearest mall and bought their first regular underwear since going through the Mormon temple. Money was tight but Oliver wanted her to have some very pretty, lacy bras and panties while he was happy to settle for tee-shirts and briefs. He'd tried boxers in high school and hated the way they bunched up. Jenna didn't care one way or the other so that was that.

That evening Jenna said with a wicked smile, "So what rules do you wanna break first?"

"I thought we could start small and work our way up."

"You mean like breaking the Word of Wisdom?"

"Exactly. No coffee, tea, or alcohol. Who knows what we've been missing, right?" he told her agreeing with her starting point. Okay, they'd already stopped praying, going to church, and taken off their temple garments so having a glass of iced tea wasn't that big of a real, right? And yet for them, it really was a very big deal.

That week, they did just that. They started with some Lipton Iced Tea, not having a clue about what brand was what. Then they moved 'all the way up' to having a first-ever cup of coffee. But the coup de grâce was having a glass of wine Friday evening.

Maybe ten minutes after finishing his Oliver said, "Wow. I finally get it. This stuff is pure gold! Let's have one more, okay?"

Jenna was just finishing hers and told him, "I like all these new firsts. I feel so...good!"

After a second glass, which they finished in two minutes like they were drinking a soft drink, both of them were feeling no pain. "You know what other first we need to try?" Oliver asked her.

"I have no idea," Jenna said. "I can't even think. This stuff is grrr—ate!" She giggled then said, "I'm not a very good Tony the Tiger, am I?" She was definitely slowed down but managed to remember. "Oh, right! Another new first? Are we gonna try smoking or Mary J. Wanna?" Jenna laughed out loud again at her um...humor.

"No. None of that stuff. Smoking is bad for you. We don't want to do that," Oliver managed to say. Having never tasted alcohol, two glasses of red wine in less than 30 minutes had him very buzzed.

"So what's you big plan for fun?" she said trying to get flirty.

"We need to let you do your thing," he told her.

"Oh. My thing. Okay. We'll do my thing! What's my thing, Oliver?" She looked over at him and said, "Why is your head moving like that?" and laughed again. "No, seriously, your head is going all around in circles."

"Listen. I'm being serious here," he said. "You need to be able to do your thing."

"Um, what thing is that?" she said. She wasn't slurring her words but her tongue felt very thick and fat.

"You know..." Oliver said. He thought Jenna didn't look well but he couldn't really tell. "Your thing with black guys. That thing."

Just as he was finishing the last sentence he saw her get up and run to the bathroom. Seconds later he heard her retch. Seconds later the toilet flushed and then water was running in the sink.

When she came back out she was very pale. "I don't feel so well," she said. "Drinking sucks. You'll have to tell me about this new thing tomorrow. I'm going to bed. Maybe then the room will stop spinning. Good night."

Jenna was already up the next morning when Oliver stumbled out of bed. "Morning," he said.

"I'm glad you didn't say good morning, because my head is killing me and I still feel kind of nauseous," she replied.

"Same here. I don't think alcohol is gonna something we stick with."

"Ugh! Don't even say the word. I'm never drinking again. Ever!"

"I hear you. I can't even drink a cup of coffee this morning and I'm starting to enjoy coffee."

After having some dry toast and skim milk, both of them felt a lot better.

"Honey?" Jenna said.

"Yes?

"Last night. Just before I got sick. Did you say something to me?"

Oliver's head was pounding and he didn't feel like talking. "Um, listen. My head is killing me. Can we talk about this tonight maybe? Would that be okay?"

"Oh, sure. I'm not even sure I heard you. I just thought you said something about black people and then my head was in the toilet and..." She sat still for a moment then said, "I can't even think about that let alone talk about it. Tonight sounds fine."

"I'm going back to bed for a while," he told her. "Drinking sucks." Jenna joined him and three hours later both of them almost totally recovered.

After lunch Oliver was feeling like his old self again. "You doing okay now, honey?" he asked her.

"Yeah. I finally feel normal again, thanks for asking."

"I was just wondering if maybe you feel like talking."

"Now? Okay. Sure. I feel like having some coffee. You want a cup?" Once it was ready, she came over and joined him on the couch after handing him a cup of hot coffee.

"Oh, that tastes so good," he said after a first sip.

"So..." Jenna asked taking a sip of hers.

"I guess I was thinking maybe we should review the pros of cons of not going to church. If you're interested, that is."

"As long as we can put drinking alcohol at the top of the 'con' list, I'm game," she said smiling.

"I actually feel really good about our decision to stop going to church and not praying has meant I no longer feel any angst about whether or not prayer 'works.' For me, that's been the biggest 'pro.'"

"I agree," she said. She wanted to bring up her fascination with black men and how she no longer felt like she was being torn apart wanting what was forbidden but decided not to mention it. At least not then. The desires were as strong as ever, but the raging conflict was behind her.

She didn't have to mention it because Oliver did. "So have you had any relief from the torment of trying to pray away your most forbidden desires? I'm assuming you still have them. I was just wondering if not praying was helpful in keeping you from feeling like you were at war with yourself."

"Wow. I can't believe you brought this up. I was just sitting here wanting to tell you that's exactly how I've been feeling, but I didn't want to get into all that. To your other point, yes, I still have the same...desires, but it's been a lot easier dealing with them knowing no one's going to sprinkle pixie dust on them and make them go away."

"Good metaphor. The desires aren't 'evil.' They exist and if you were to act on them behind my back, that would be very hurtful. But there's nothing 'sinful' or 'evil' about finding some one or some kind of people attractive."

"You know I'd never cheat on you, right? Not even now that we've quit going to church. It would still be wrong because, as you said, it would be hurtful. Not because Someone's watching and keeping score, but because we made a commitment to each other, and I plan to honor that commitment."

He slid over next to her and kissed her. "I love you so much, Jenna. Church or no church, I love you. And I always will."

"Oliver? Do you have...desires...like I do? I mean, do you think about you know, being with another woman or anything like that?"

"No. No, I don't, honey. But I don't want you to start feeling bad again because you do and I don't. That doesn't somehow make me morally superior to you. It just makes you...honest."

She put her head on his shoulder and told him, "I love you too, Oliver. You are such a good, decent man in or out of church."

They sat there quietly drinking their coffee until both of them had finished. Oliver spoke first. "So at some point, we're going to have to address this issue head on."

She put her hand on his arm while her head stayed on his shoulder. "How do we do that?"

"Before I say anything else, I have to ask you something."

"Okay, ask me. Anything."

"If I was okay with you...fulfilling these desires...would you fall in love with...the object of your desires? Would you leave me for the guy you...you know, have sex with?"

Jenna felt a surge of something course through her body. She couldn't believe her husband had just said what he'd just said. She sat up and looked at him before answering. "I've honestly never thought this through. What I do know is that all I ever think about is...you know...the sex part. I never think about a life with that person. I don't ever think about being married to him." She thought for a few moments then said, "I guess maybe that's because my desires aren't about any one man even though I've had...I hate to say this because it sounds so terrible...I've had...crushes...on particular black men, but even then I don't want to marry them or live with them."