Pillar Ch. 04

Ruth put down the phone and tried to get a grip on her feelings. But she failed. She felt betrayed. He'd never said anything about meeting Alex during his work hours. What else was he hiding from her? Why did she end up with someone who strung her along and took advantage of her when he really wanted something else? Why was she never good enough?

Tears flooded down her cheeks, and she balled her fists in a gesture of impotent rage and hurt. And today of all days. It was supposed to be a new beginning, an opportunity for them to grow even closer. It was all a lie.

***

Tom stood at the door of Ruth's old place and shouted, "Ruth? I'm here to help carry the boxes! Can you hear me? I tried calling, but you didn't answer your phone. Ruth!"

"I'm right here, Tom."

"Oh, there you are. Let's get started."

She shook her head and said, "That won't be necessary."

"Oh? Did you hire movers?"

"No, I won't be moving to your place."

"What? Why?"

Ruth's face contorted into the exact opposite of the smile she normally showed him. "Why? Because you've been lying! I should've known better. You make it so I don't do what you don't like while you get to do whatever you want. Why did I let you fuck Alex? It's stupid. You act all reasonable and I say: Yes Sir, please let me suck another woman's juices off your cock, Sir. And you smile and just let me get on with it."

She balled her fists and waved them at him. "I always think about you. Everything I do has something of you in it. I can't do this anymore! I broke off my lease to come live with you and, and I've got my boxes ready like a good girl. Look at what it brought me! My mom calls me to say she saw you with another woman. It almost gave her a heart attack! I don't even know how I can ever bear to look her in the eye again."

She punched his chest and waved at the people in the hallway watching them. "See what you've made me do now? I'm screaming like a lunatic. People know me here, what would they think of me if they knew what you've made me do? Would they think I'm a sucker? A slut maybe? Or just a plain idiot!"

"Ruth! Calm down, please. I don't understand, where is this all coming from?"

"It's me realizing you're no different. You just hide it well. You'll leave me behind when you find something better!"

"What? No, Ruth. I chose you for a lot of good reasons."

"You chose me. See, that's the kind of thing that makes a girl feel special. It lulls her to sleep and eventually she goes blind and deaf, happy to go wherever prince charming leads her."

"So anything I say will be used against me?"

"Don't you dare make me feel guilty! This is all you, Sir. I won't be the victim of your mistakes any longer."

"Ruth, you're making no sense at all here. We've talked about all of this."

"Let me put it in a way you can understand. It's over. Consider your precious contract annulled!"

"Are you sure?"

"Do you need me to shout it louder at you?"

"Ruth, don't do this. I love you, it's why I do what I do. It's my way of showing it."

"Do you want me to show you what I'm feeling right now?"

"No, there's no need for that. It doesn't have to end like this. If you want to talk, you know where to find me."

"I won't be looking!"

"Okay, Ruth. Goodbye for now."

***

The next day, Tom went to Ruth's parent's home. Her father opened the door and watched Tom in silence for a few moments. He didn't seem to be angry, more like he was considering how to handle a bothersome problem. "Tom. What can I do for you?"

"Hi, Thomas, I'd like to talk to Ruth. If you could call her over that would be greatly appreciated."

Thomas crossed his arms and put his feet wide, he wasn't letting anyone inside without his permission. "She was very upset yesterday, and I heard you were the cause. Hilda saw you with another woman. Tom, if it was only my concern, I wouldn't let you in. But I have my daughter to consider, and she needs to decide how to deal with this. I'm very disappointed in you and if I didn't know you were trained, I'd be tempted to throw a punch at you right now."

His anger showed beneath his calm exterior, his fists were balled. "For now, I'll let you see her. Do anything to make things worse, and the next time you're on my doorstep, you're getting the door in your face."

Tom accepted his wirds with a curt nod and felt the need to answer him. "Thomas, this whole mess is based on a misunderstanding. I'm sure things will clear up soon enough. I'm not sure why Ruth reacted the way she did. She knows the woman your wife saw is in my care, and she's even talked to her from time to time. The circumstances are something that should be kept in confidence, but until now she consented with what I did."

Confusion showed on Thomas's face, he relaxed a little and said, "You're telling me my daughter knew this was happening, and she approved?"

"I'm not sure what you think was happening. Hasn't Ruth told you anything?"

Thomas shook his head with a worried look on his face. "She hasn't said much. She went up to her room, and we haven't seen her since. Her mother tried to console her, but it's like she's shutting us out."

"Let me talk to her, maybe I can get through."

The two men exchanged a look, and Thomas held out his hand. Tom was surprised, but he took it.

"I might be wrong, but my gut is telling me to trust you in this. She blossomed open since she started dating you, and I don't think that's a coincidence. I'll try to withhold judgment until I know everything there is to know. If it turns out you're just an asshole after all, then I'll have you out of my daughter's life faster than you might think."

His grip tightened with those last words, but Tom let it pass. He accepted the need of a father to wish the best for his daughter. One flight of stairs later he stood in front of Ruth's old room. He knocked and waited for an answer. None came. Thomas had said she was in there, so he opened the door anyways.

Ruth was balled up in a corner of the bed, almost completely hidden by the duvet wrapped around her. He wasn't sure if she was awake or not so he called out to her. "Ruth? Are you awake?"

Her head snapped up, and her eyes flicked open at once. She backed away a little further into the corner. "What are you doing here? Who let you in?"

"I'm here to talk to you, Ruth. Your dad let me in."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Why not? I don't understand, please, at least tell me what's wrong."

Her green eyes seemed dull when she answered, as if some essential spark inside of them had faded. "I'm not coming back, Tom."

"Never mind that for now. Why do you suddenly have a problem with me taking care of Alex?"

"You call that taking care of? Sneaking behind my back and doing whatever you want together?"

"What? I don't sneak around, I didn't even have time to tell you about what your mother saw. I was going to bring it up while we were moving your stuff."

"Sure you were. Are there more things you were planning on bringing up?"

"No, you know everything there is to know. I've told you many times that honesty is important, why would I ignore my own advice?"

"So you can tell me you don't love Alex?"

"I care for her as a friend, that's all."

"I don't believe you. I don't believe anything anymore. Why did you have to go and find someone else? Because you didn't want to stress our relationship? What a load of crap. You just don't think I'm good enough so you need something better while you still have your fun with me on the side."

"You're twisting things into something they're not. Do you think I'd ask you to move in if I didn't want us to become more serious?"

"Well, you don't have to worry about planning around that little fact anymore, do you? Because I'm not moving in anymore."

She turned away from him and he turned her back, with force. "Look at me, Ruth. I can't do anything if you don't keep talking to me."

Her eyes bored into his, and he could see the hurt hidden deep inside of them. He wanted to reach out to her and pull her close to him, but her next words stopped him in his tracks.

"I burnt my contract, Tom."

The words stung, but it wasn't something he couldn't live with. "That's ok, we can make it work without a contract."

"No, Tom. I'm not coming back."

"Are you sure that's what you really want?"

"Yes."

"Then there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry you think this way. Remember that I want to work things out and that I'll be waiting for you if you want to come back."

"Bye, Tom."

He didn't return her goodbye, he still had hope that goodbyes weren't necessary. She wasn't the Ruth he knew, and he'd have to wait for her to wake up from what had come over her. Tom sighed when he stood up. His hands ached to brush the stray strands of hair from her face, but he understood enough to know that right now she wouldn't accept anything from him.

At the foot of the stairs, Thomas stood waiting. "I take it things didn't go well."

Tom shook his head. "I couldn't get through to her. I don't understand, this isn't like her. Something must have happened that she's hiding. But she won't tell me, not the way she is now. I have no choice but to wait for her."

Thomas raised his eyebrow and the corner of his mouth pulled down. "You're giving up already?"

"She needs time to work her feelings out on her own. I'll give her the time she needs and if she wants to return afterwards, then I'll be there for her."

Thomas still looked skeptical, he opened the door for Tom and let him out. "Well, goodbye then Tom."

"If I'm right, I should be back."

"We'll see, Tom. It's not up to you or me."

"I know."

7

Ruth slowed down when she saw Alex on a bench close to her office. How much had changed since the first time they met on a bench? She'd been blind. She stopped in front of the younger woman and looked down at her, her eyes dull and flat. Alex met her stare, and her shoulders hunched a little, her face pulled into a pained expression. She didn't speak, and Ruth got tired of waiting and said, "I guess you're waiting for me. What do you want?"

"I want to apologize."

"Oh?"

Ruth leaned forward and forced Alex to bend back. "You think apologizing will make everything right?"

"I, no, please... could you back away a little?"

"No."

Alex swallowed and arranged her thoughts. This wasn't going anything like she expected, Tom had been right. Ruth wasn't herself, this Ruth scared her. She was so cold and lifeless.

"I just want to say I'm sorry that I hurt you by getting involved with Tom. I'm ashamed I need the help of someone else's lover to get over my problems. But I need the help and there's nobody else. I mean... I have my sponsor, but he can't help me like Tom can. Please Ruth, will you tell us what's wrong?"

"Tom's not my lover anymore, he's your lover now."

Alex's face twisted in confusion and she shook her head. "That's not true, Ruth. He takes care of me, that's all. There's nothing more to it than that. I thought you understood, we both did. Why are you so angry all of a sudden? Please Ruth, open up to us."

Ruth straightened up, stretched her back and took a deep breath. Alex relaxed a little, a hopeful smile appeared on her face. Maybe she had reached through. Next thing she knew, Alex was lying sideways on the bench, a sharp pain pulsed in her temple and lanced through her ear into her brain. She couldn't see well through the tears in her eyes, but she still made out Ruth's contorted face inches in front of hers. Her hiss resonated painfully inside Alex's head.

"You took what I wanted and now you want to make it look like you didn't replace me? Never. Come near me. Again. You thieving slut."

With that Ruth turned on her heels and walked away at a brisk pace. Alex didn't even notice her leave, she was oblivious to the world and to the passersby who cast glances at her. Those last two words cut deep, and she felt ashamed she was who she was. She was disgusted and hated herself for making someone as wonderful as Ruth feel such anger and pain.

Alex wanted to curl up and hide under the bench, but she still had enough clarity of mind to get a cab. She slurred Tom's address but got the message across. When she realized which place she'd chosen to flee to, her guilt and shame doubled. Did she really take Ruth's place? Did she destroy another relationship by being a hopeless addict, human filth?

She didn't notice the concerned look on the cabdriver's face when she paid him double what he was due and staggered off before he could even give her the change. Tears streamed over her face all the way to the doorstep of the apartment complex. She collapsed under the mailboxes. The world spun around her.

Alex was pulled back to full consciousness when someone shook her shoulder to get her to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open, and she tried in vain to focus on the face in front of her. She muttered, "I have to get to Tom... Tom."

"I'll call his place right away, just stay awake."

The sound of the intercom sounded far off. It was abruptly cut when the other side of the line picked up. Alex couldn't tell where she was relative to the door anymore, everything was spinning.

"Tom? This is Rob from 3B. There's a red haired girl here on the floor. She's got a pretty bad bruise on her face. I heard her say she wanted to get to Tom. Do you know anybody like that? You do? I'll wait here with her."

Someone lifted her off the floor and suddenly Alex knew where she was, she was safe in Tom's arms. The one place where she could find rest. She slipped away into unconsciousness and was dead to the world for hours.

When she opened her eyes again, she was on her side and her face felt cold. She touched her fingers to the cold compress on her face and remembered what had happened. Sometimes you get what you deserve. She closed her eyes again and curled up a little.

"Try not to move too much."

Alex jerked in surprise and groaned when a new lance of pain drilled through her ear.

"What did I tell you? I had a doctor over, she said you have a slight concussion. You should have a headache and an impressive bruise tomorrow, but no lasting damage. Whoever punched you did a good number on you."

He put his hand on her shoulder and rolled her on her back. "Stay still for a while, I'll wrap a bandage around your head so the compress stays in place."

He bandaged her and as he overlooked his handy work he asked her, "Who punched you?"

"It doesn't matter, I deserved it. It's part of the program to apologize to people we've hurt. I tried, but before I knew it she'd punched me and left me behind."

Tom sighed and made himself comfortable on the edge of the bed, his eyes fixed on her uncovered one. "Do I know this woman?"

She shook her head and after recovering from the brief bout of pain it caused her she said, "No. But I don't think it'll be the last time I get hurt. She accused me of being a thieving slut, of taking away what she had and replacing her. I drove a wedge into her life because of my addiction. I feel so ashamed."

Tom let her lie slip, if she wanted to hide the truth he'd let her. His hands were gentle as he lifted her torso and settled in behind her. "Do you remember the last time we sat like this? You didn't know what to do with yourself then either so I told you a story. Think about the third man in it, that's your future. Don't think about your days spent with the first man, he's your past.

"You couldn't help yourself, and the men who cheated on their girlfriends with you and lied about it didn't deserve to be with them anyways. I'm sure you hurt that woman, and you have the right to be ashamed and feel guilty about that. But if you hold yourself to the goal of not causing anything like that ever again, then you won't let your past ruin you now."

Alex buried her nails into the palms of his hands. His words were so kind and so painful. She couldn't tell him it wasn't in the past, she was still causing problems, no matter how much she tried to heal. Her past wouldn't let go. She cried herself to sleep in his arms, exhausted by her own guilt and the sheer intensity of her need for someone to lighten her burden. No matter how bad it made her feel, she couldn't let this man go.

8

It's dark in the bedroom, nothing can be seen. Not a sound to be heard. A hand brushes her flank and disappears again. She turns toward the touch and feels a playful squeeze on her ass. She turns again, stretches out her hands, but the man remains elusive. A finger trails her spine. She shivers and remains still, waiting for the next touch. His hand brushes the side of her breast, and she's ready for it to disappear again but it slides around the soft flesh and cups it.

He presses his warm body against her back, and she feels the solid muscles against her. The strength locked inside his hands is held back while he kneads her breasts. She moans, but there's no sound, and he hesitates. He expected a response and didn't get and. His fingertips slide along the bottom of her breast, following the gentle curve. Her skin tingles, and her nipples stiffen. She tries to be patient, to let him travel her skin and awaken it. But she can't wait, she needs it now. She tries to raise her hand so she can push his hand against her breast.

But her arm doesn't lift. She tries her other hand and that doesn't work either. He keeps teasing her and finally circles her nipple. He stops again. Doesn't he feel her nipples are stiff? That she wants him to squeeze them and pull on them? She's yearning for the sharp mixture of pleasure and pain. She can almost feel the doubt in the body behind her. His hand rests on her breasts for a while and then travels down, inch by inch.

She feels the itch between her legs, she wants it. Her legs spread to receive his touch, but it comes so slowly. He's taking forever to reach her aching pussy. She's so wet he could slide in any number of fingers with ease. And still he goes slowly. He gives careful little strokes, as if he's trying to make her wet so he wouldn't hurt her. He doesn't go in. What's he doing?

She turns around and grabs his head and pulls it down so she can kiss him. He can't mistake a kiss, he has to feel how much she wants him. She has to convince him to take her, no matter what he felt from her body. She feels his lips on hers, but he doesn't respond to her kiss. He can't see her, but he should be able to feel her.

She sinks down on her knees, frantically trying to think of anything that might catch his attention. If she can open his pants and put his cock in her mouth, he won't be able to ignore her any longer. He has to feel her then, there's no other way. She pulls down his shorts and puts her hand in his boxers so she can grab his cock. It's flaccid.

She's worried now, afraid that nothing she can do will get his attention. What else is there? She shouts his name, but she can't hear a thing.

***

Ruth woke up from her nightmare and heard herself murmur Tom, Tom, Tom. His name was a balm to her fear, if he were with her, she wouldn't be alone and scared. She curled up into a tight ball to drive away the fear by making herself smaller, warmer in her own embrace. But she couldn't escape the cold where the air touched her skin.

She hadn't heard from Tom since his last visit, two weeks ago. Why didn't he get angry or call her a stupid little girl? He hadn't stopped her from leaving. Maybe he really thought she'd realized she couldn't handle it. That she'd discovered her choice was wrong. Didn't he know how much their time spent together meant to her?

She'd finally been able to explore the parts of herself she'd hidden away, but that had always been there. She understood he was trying to bring her to the surface, and she embraced his efforts. He owned her now, she was his. She wanted to go back, but she was afraid she wouldn't be enough for him and that she'd fail him too badly to stay with him.