Pillar Ch. 04

Ruth nodded against his chest, and he kissed the top of her head. She cuddled closer to him, but he pulled away, smiling. "I have to go. You know what to do."

He went out the door and pushed Alex inside. She didn't know what to do with herself and said, "Tom, are you sure about this?"

"Of course I am. Have at it. I'll text before I come back in case the two of you need more time. I can go and watch a movie or something."

Just like that the door shut behind him, and the two young women were left standing in front of each other, neither of them sure about where to start. Ruth took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. "So... would you like a drink?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

An uncomfortable silence stretched between them, making it hard for them to speak their minds. Ruth didn't know what to do and fled to the kitchen. "I'll get you some water, just in case you get thirsty. Go sit in the couch, make yourself comfortable."

She was pouring the water when she snapped. This wasn't the time for pointless conversation! She had to do something, so she turned around and walked up to Alex with her back stiff as a rod. She looked determined and a little scary. Alex shied away and Ruth's composure broke down.

She blurted out what she wanted to say. "I feel terrible about punching you and saying those horrible things. I really shouldn't have, but I was so angry. Angry with you, angry with myself... It's just... I had a bad experience, and I thought it was happening again and when I thought about it I got sad, and I was angry because I wished I'd done something the last time, but I didn't do anything and now I thought it was too late. And, and... I'm really sorry!"

Alex was a little stunned by the avalanche of words that just hit her. She cleared her head and launched a counteroffensive. "But you were right! You were right to punch me. Look at what happened because of me. You should hit me again, I deserve it. All I ever do is fuck up shit for people. So don't say you're sorry. I won't know what to do with myself if you do!"

"I wasn't thinking straight!"

"I never am!"

"Would you shut up, I'm trying to apologize here."

"You've got nothing to apologize for."

"You were healing and I kicked you while you were down. I'm the one that's wrong here."

"Ruth..."

The smaller woman towered over the larger now, her hands set on her hips. Ruth's hesitation had fled, and she was determined to knock some sense into Alex. "Accept that it was wrong of me to punch you in the face or I'll punch you again."

"But I deserved it! Ow!"

Alex rubbed her arm.

"What's the point of you trying to heal if you still treat yourself like a piece of shit? We've all got issues and yours don't make you any worse than anybody else. What's Tom been doing with you while I was gone?"

"He's been helping me a lot."

"And I was stupid and psycho, being useful to nobody."

Ruth sighed and plopped down on the couch. "I should've helped him. But I was so confused. I still am. I tried to forget about it for so long."

"Forget about what?"

Ruth frowned and glanced at Alex. "Tom didn't tell you about Sebastian?"

Alex shook her head and said, "He said it was personal and that it wasn't his place to tell me if he didn't know what you wanted."

"He should've told you."

"Do you want to tell me now?"

"You're just going to change the subject?"

Alex shrugged and said, "I'm sure you'll get back to it."

A careful smile lit up both their faces, and they fell into a tearful hug. Ruth was the first to say anything. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"Me too, Ruth. Ow! Don't pinch me."

"Shut up."

They kept quiet for a long while after that, but the silence was more comfortable now.

"Tom was right, it's great to have someone to talk to."

"He was right about you too, you're the most wonderful woman I know."

"Even though I punched you in the face?"

"You throw a mean punch for such a little girl."

Alex tensed, prepared for the pinch she was sure would come. But it never did. Instead Ruth pulled back a little and Alex could see the tears in her eyes, she was on the verge of crying. "You can punch me back or whatever you think is necessary."

"I won't."

"Why not Alex, why won't you just accept my apology?"

"You don't know what it's like to live the way I lived. It doesn't take long for girls around me to hate me because I hurt one of their friends by making her boyfriend cheat or by stealing away some guy. My family abandoned me, I had one person I'd call a friend before I met Tom. I'm to be blamed for all of that.

"I know the program makes us admit that we're powerless against our addiction. But it's hard, I've blamed myself for so long. I hate myself most of the time. How can I accept an apology I honestly don't think is needed? How can I sit here talking with you like this? Every time I was with Tom during these past few weeks I hated myself for driving you away and for breaking up something so beautiful. You don't know."

She was sobbing, heavy tears streamed down her face. Her shoulder shook and Ruth took her back into her arms. It hurt Ruth to feel the depth of Alex's emotional pain. "You're right, I don't know. But you can tell me and I'll listen. And please, listen to me as well. I did something to you that I find unacceptable. Don't you think an apology is needed when that happens? So please, let me apologize for hurting you."

Alex nodded against Ruth's shoulder, splashing tears on her shirt. "Thank you, Alex. It means a lot."

Ruth took a deep breath and said, "Good, I think we can talk now. I'll call Tom and tell him he should go watch a couple of movies. We'll need time to work things out."

14

Tom rang the doorbell and Thomas opened the door.

"Good evening, Thomas. May I come in?"

"I'd say you've got courage to come here again, but since my daughter is nowhere to be found I should at least let you explain yourself."

"Thank you. There are some things you and your wife should know."

The older man sighed and made way for Tom. Hilda called to ask who was at the door and when she saw Tom she said, "Thomas! Why did you let him inside? Get out!"

"Hilda, calm down. We'll listen to what he has to say and then we'll see if we show him the door."

"You want to listen to him? Did you forget what he did to Ruth? He's a cheater, Thomas!"

"Hilda. Listen to me. We'll let him have his talk, end of discussion."

"Thomas!"

"End of discussion."

He nailed his wife on the spot with a stern look and calmed her down. "Tom, have a seat. Do you want a drink?"

"I wouldn't say no to a scotch."

Hilda pressed her lips together in a thin white line as she with Tom in the living room. Tom tried to keep his face neutral. This had to be done right. He was relieved when Thomas returned with two scotches and a glass of wine. Hilda chugged half of her wine in one sip and coughed, glaring at Tom as if he was responsible. Tom took a sip of scotch and let the complex taste roll over his tongue. The familiar sensation calmed him down. He took a deep breath and started his defense.

"The past few weeks have been very unpleasant for everyone involved. I believe a good deal of grief could've been avoided if Ruth had been more open to me, but I understand that some things are very difficult to talk about. I have her permission to tell the two of you about what happened between her and Sebastien. If you want details then you should ask Ruth in person."

"What about Sebastien? He's a good man."

"He might be now, Hilda. I don't know. What I do know is that during the time he lived together with Ruth, he scarred her emotionally. He is a closet homosexual and has serious troubles dealing with that fact."

Hilda burst from her seat and splashed wine all over the floor. Her eyes blazed with fury at the insult to someone she respected. "You're lying! I know for a fact he recently broke up with a girlfriend."

"And he has had girlfriends before, Ruth is one of them. The past few days Ruth has told me about the year they lived together. Do you remember when Ruth cut her hair short?"

"Yes, it suited her."

"With the right clothing it also made her look boyish."

"What's this now?"

"Sebastien told Ruth to wear normal clothes when visiting family, otherwise he made her wear t-shirts and shorts with sneakers and even a baseball cap. It made it easier for him to see Ruth as a boy instead of a woman."

He stopped for a second to let that information sink in. "Ruth felt unwanted. But, and please don't get mad when I say this, Ruth has a strong desire to please. You've probably noticed this since she was a child. She's always eager to help out with a smile. I noticed as well. You could say I'm sensitive to that sort of thing, I've been involved in BDSM since close to two and a half years before I met your daughter. BDSM's an acronym for bondage, domination, submission and masochism."

Hilda jumped up and pointed at Tom. "See honey, he's a pervert! He's been doing it for years and now he wants to make our daughter believe she's like him. He's brainwashing her!"

"Hilda, be quiet and sit back down. I want to listen to the rest of what he's saying. If you won't stay calm, then please go somewhere else."

Tom cast him a thankful glance, and he answered with a short nod. "I think it's important that you two understand that Ruth is a submissive. She wants to be controlled by a person, and she wants to please that person.

"Her desire to do this is very strong, which is why she went along with Sebastien's demands. Even if it was emotionally abusive, part of her just didn't want to disobey him. I'm a dominant, someone who takes control over another person and who guides her in life. I've spent a lot of time learning how to be a dominant."

Tom paused to see whether they were following him. Thomas gestured him to go on.

"Ruth took a chance and asked me take a little control. She responded very strongly and since I had my suspicions about her nature, I proposed a long term commitment to her. I provided her with a contract and a set of rules to follow.

"My task is to make sure she doesn't stray and to reward her for her efforts. It both frees her from having to do a lot of things she hates to do, and she gets to please someone. Ask her about it. Ruth is free to refuse anything I ask of her. I hope you understand that this is different from what Sebastien did. There was no consensus in their relationship, and she couldn't refuse him."

He looked from one to the other to gauge their response to what he was saying. Hilda seemed to have calmed down. A small victory is still a victory, and Tom continued uninterrupted.

"We explore together, Ruth and me. One day I asked her to struggle against me while we were intimate with each other. Afterwards Ruth told me she wasn't comfortable with resisting me. This turned out to be a problem, since part of me felt the opposite way. I didn't like that part of myself, and I wanted to get it under control. Ruth tried to help me, but she couldn't handle it, so I proposed to find someone who did like that type of play. That way I could get rid of my issues without bothering Ruth. She didn't like it at first, but she agreed to it."

Hilda opened her mouth to comment, but Tom stopped her by raising his hand. "Please, this is an important part."

They exchanged a look, and she reluctantly nodded.

"She's the woman you saw. Her name is Alex. Ruth and Alex eventually met under complicated circumstances that revealed Alex's personal problems. Ruth was remarkable in the way she handled things. She pointed out that it would be a low thing to do if I just dropped after hearing about her history and problems. At some point during the weeks after their first meeting, Ruth was reminded of her past with Sebastien. That reminder festered and has led us here. I strongly regret not knowing about her history before. A lot of pain could've been avoided."

He looked back and forth between Thomas and Hilda and said, "Your daughter is an amazing woman. She's strong, intelligent and beautiful. It has been a joy for me to see how she's come out of her shell more often. She seems shy, but inside of her there's such a wonderful, confident woman."

Thomas put down his glass and said, "This a lot to take in at once, Tom."

"I know, sir."

"We'll have to think this over and we'll certainly have to speak to Ruth in private. Hilda, what do you think?"

Hilda crossed her arms and said, "I'm not saying anything until I talk to Ruth."

Thomas nodded and said, "I feel the same way, Tom. Thank you for coming over and explaining things. Ruth has been confused and reclusive these past few weeks, so we don't know anything. If she confirms what you say, then we'll see where to go from there. You've always been a proper young man, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. It's not the way I'd do things but if you can make my daughter happy, then I won't stand against it. I think we'll see each other again."

Tom shook hands with both of them and thanked them for their time. He was relieved, he'd expected this to be a lot harder. Without Thomas's help it wouldn't have worked out the way it did. He'd remember that, he owed the man.

15

Alex was pouring herself a glass of water when Cathy came into the kitchen and said, "Alex, who's the babe? She's been here since yesterday. She your new stress reliever or something?"

"Shhh, Cathy."

Alex looked over her shoulder to see if the coast was clear and then pulled Cathy into a corner of the kitchen. "That's Ruth, Tom's girlfriend."

"What? If she is then why is she here?"

"We got close and then things got messed up. We patched things up, and she offered to help me pass my exams. I said yes, but I had no idea that she'd drop in on me to make sure I'm studying. It's brutal."

"That's weird, Alex."

"I know, I know. But it's helping, I've been having troubles concentrating with everything that's been going on."

"Sure, whatever you say. So is she going to be here much longer? She's distracting some of the guys."

"It's not my problem if they can't keep it in their pants. Why don't they just rub one out and get on with it?"

"You overestimate their capabilities, Alex."

"Aren't you just a bucket of fun today?"

"I'm still not over my exam from yesterday. Bastard professor with his stupid questions, asking all that shit. And I couldn't go and bitch to my best friend here because little miss warden had her locked up in her room. She didn't even let you go out to get food."

"Look, I'm sorry. She's gone Sunday evening, we'll watch a movie or something then."

"Where is she even?"

"She went for groceries."

Their conversation stopped dead in its tracks when a third voice joined their conversation.

"Actually, I'm back from grocery shopping. And the two of you are cleverly hiding in front of the fridge where I'd like to put the stuff I just bought."

"Oh, hi Ruth."

"Don't bother. If you don't want me here then all you have to do is say so. Otherwise go back to your room and work while I cook so you don't have to eat some crappy five minute meal."

Both of the girls backed away a little under her stern look. She looked intimidating in her work clothes, no matter if she was a small woman. They felt like little kids caught skipping their chores. Cathy got up and hurried out of the kitchen, mumbling a goodbye. When Cathy had left, a big smile lit up Ruth's face. There was a twinge of evil satisfaction in it though. "Ah, that was fun. Can't say I like her all that much."

Alex shrugged. "She can be a pain, but I like her."

"I can see that you do. I'll be out of her hair soon enough. Hopefully before she has a go at me."

Alex contemplated that scenario and grinned. "You know, that might be fun."

"You're bad girl."

"Don't I know it."

Ruth laughed and said, "Enough said, I was serious earlier. Get out of here. I know for a fact that there's a pile of notes with your name on it waiting for you. And I'm pretty sure it won't fill out your exams for you."

"Aye Ma'am."

Ruth chuckled and fished a bar of dark chocolate out of her groceries. She lobbed it at Alex, whose eyes lit up at the sight. "There's a treat for working hard. Enjoy it. I'll bring over some espresso in a minute."

"You're the best."

"Don't I know it."

Alex's laugh was a joy to hear, and Ruth was happy that she'd chosen to spend her weekend here. Right now going back to normal meant helping Alex with her troubles. She owed it to herself and to Tom to make the best out of this.

16

Tom picked up a box from the stack left untouched after Ruth had moved in with her parents. She'd never looked for a new place or tried to get her old place back. Perhaps she'd known from the start where she wanted to live. The dust gathered on the box reminded him of the time they'd spent apart and he averted his attention. No sense in dwelling on the past, they had to move forward now, together. Lost in thought, Tom put the box in the trunk of his car and turned to get another one.

Hilda's voice cut through his absence of mind. "Tom!"

"Yes?"

"I've been calling your name for a while now. Are you ignoring me?"

"No Hilda, I'm not. I've just been thinking about the past few weeks. There's a lot to think about."

Hilda snorted and folded her arms in front of her chest. "You know I don't want Ruth to move to your place, don't you?"

Tom nodded. "Ruth told me. I'm sorry you feel that way. Hopefully you'll change your mind when you see she's actually happy."

Hilda stepped in closer until she was right up in Tom's face. "You talk and talk and talk, but I just don't believe it. You know what I think? I think you've got Ruth right where you want her, doing what you want her to do. And the moment she does something you don't like, you'll make it so she changes her mind about it. You'll make her into someone who's not my daughter anymore." Her voice got softer and lower as she said, "Don't take her away from me, Tom. Just don't."

"I'm not taking her from you, Hilda. I'm giving her a home."

"This is her home."

Tom shook his head. "No, Hilda, it's not. You're her mother and she loves you, but she doesn't need you to keep her safe anymore. She can take care of herself and make her own choices. It makes me happy to know Ruth has a mother who cares about and worries about her. There's only one thing that would make me happier."

He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it when he said, "A mother who supports her. I hope you'll find it in you to be that person for her. There's nobody else for the job."

He left Hilda standing there, prey to her own thoughts and doubts. As much as he wanted her to be on board with him and Ruth being together, he knew it would be hard for her to accept it as fact. A fundamental trust in him had been hurt and it would take time for her to see him in anything else than a negative light. But he would be patient. If the future showed her a Ruth who was happy and content, then she would have to change.

Thomas called out to Tom as he picked up another box. "What did Hilda say? Nothing too bad I hope. She's not very happy with the way things are going."

"I know. Things between us will be bumpy for a while longer, I think."

Thomas leaned against the storage room wall. "Does the girl have to stay with the two of you over the summer?"

Tom suppressed a sigh and put the box back down. "Can we go sit down somewhere? How about the kitchen?"

"Sure."

Once they sat across from each other at the kitchen table, Tom folded his hand and collected his thoughts. "In principle, Alex doesn't have to stay in my apartment. There's nothing she'll do that she can't do back in her dorm. In practice, it's just not doable. I have to keep my eye on her throughout the day, talk to her, check on her assignments. Let me put it this way: can you train a dog if it's not living in your house? Of course, Alex is not a dog and neither is Ruth. But the basic principles for learning, and especially the kind of learning Alex needs, are the same. So yes, she has to stay with us over the summer. And no, she won't stay any longer than that."