Secrets and Lies

She pulled my head to her breast.

"God they've really screwed you haven't they Harry" then she chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Don't you see? They've screwed you, now you've screwed me so you're sort of equal"

"Ah! I would have to screw you for the next fourteen years to be equal"

She gave me that light up the room smile.

"That is not beyond the realms of possibility Harry"

Before I left she made me promise to return the next day.

By the time we were finished talking it was time for her to pick up the children from school and for me to leave for the Hospital. I was early arriving at the Hospital and noticed straight away that Susan was much happier. She told me that Alex was fairing well on the dialysis and that they planned to send him home after his next session on Wednesday. I told her that was great and she should stay home on Wednesday and prepare the house for his homecoming. I would sit with him and bring him home after his treatment. I also told her I had to go to my clients on Thursday to do the presentation of the latest project. This was a lie of course but I figured that I could arrange it, so making the lie true. In fact I was trying to see as little of her as possible up to the day of my departure, which I had planned for Friday. Before she left Susan asked me not to stay late tonight.

"I'll cook us a proper dinner tonight and we can eat about eight" she said. "You're looking very tired. I think you have been working too hard."

I found Alex sitting in a chair in the ward watching Television. He told me it was just boring stuff and instead started asking me about work. As we talked he said to me

"Dad, you're really good with machines aren't you."

I told him that I thought I was and thankfully so did my clients.

"Don't you sometimes wish that you could understand people the way you understand machines?"

"Wow that is a deep one. Yes sometimes I do wish that. What makes you ask?"

"Some thing's up with mum. When she's not fussing around me, she just sits and stares at me. She thinks I haven't noticed but I have and it is really spooky."

"It's probably just hitting home how close we came to losing you"

I changed the subject and asked what dialysis was like?

"Incredibly boring. You have to sit there for hours with nothing to do while the machine does its job"

By seven thirty I was on my way home. No matter how I feel about Susan there are two things I can't criticise. She's a good cook and a great mother. That night she excelled herself. The food was excellent we opened a bottle of wine and when we sat on the sofa to watch television she became very affectionate. I put this down to a guilty conscience so the more affectionate she got the angrier I became. To prevent my anger spilling over I told her she was right that I was very tired and went to bed. In seventeen years I'd rarely passed up on Susan's amorous advances but I knew I had to. In my current frame of mind I would want to hurt her and that was something I didn't think I could live with, so I did a good job of pretending to be asleep.

I woke to find myself alone in bed with the smell of bacon wafting up from the kitchen. I quickly showered and went down to find myself presented with a Full English Breakfast. This normally happened on high days and holidays so I had to ask what had brought it on.

"My man needs building up" was all she would say, placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

I was beginning to feel like a bastard for what I was about to do but then I thought "My deception had gone on for only a few days and I'm feeling like this. If she really loved me how could she do it for fourteen years and not be broken by the guilt?"

Following breakfast I went straight to my office and made two calls. The first was to set up the presentation for my most recent project, the second was to the Telecom company to divert all incoming calls on my office line to the new mobile that I had bought. That I thought would enable me to work normally through the separation.

Susan still had not left for the hospital and seemed genuinely disappointed when I said I had to go out to meet a prospective client.

"Can't you just take some time off? I am going in to the hospital later, I was hoping we could spend some time together"

"That's the trouble with being self employed I" told her, "You have to plan for things like that"

I gave her a peck on the cheek and told her I would see her later at the hospital.

Sarah was ready and waiting for me when I arrived. She was already naked, giving me visual pleasure that I will never forget. She took my hand and ran up the stairs guiding me once more to her bedroom. She quickly stripped off my clothes.

"Take me Harry, any way you choose"

This may conjure up all sorts of images for you but I'd been married to the same woman for seventeen years and we had got into a certain rut so I gave her what had given her so much pleasure the previous day. As she lay on my chest telling me how much she had enjoyed it she asked about my experience.

"Harry, you know if I'd said that to most guys we would've been doing some really kinky stuff. Now I really love what you do to please me, and it really does, but what is it that really pleases you?"

"Really pleasing you" I replied "I suppose, to use the modern terminology, I really get off on giving my partner pleasure."

"Oh Harry you really are priceless. Susan doesn't know what she's losing."

"She soon will." I said.

For quite some time we just lie there, me on my back, her on my chest. I could think of nowhere on earth I would rather be. Eventually I asked her "Well what are we going to do today, we told our life stories yesterday so it can't be that"

She raised herself up to look at me. "No Harry, today we are going to look at some porn." before I could say anything she added "Well if we're going to make one we need to study the competition"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Well I can't fault your logic"

She got up to put the disc in the DVD player. I got up and quickly pulled on shirt trousers and shoes.

"Harry" she said sternly. "You're not running out on me"

"No I just need to get something from the car"

When I came back with a pad and pencil she went into fits of laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"You certainly are unique Harry. Your mistress has just told you that you are going to lie in bed and watch porn together and you go out for a pencil and paper. What are you going to do, make notes?"

Such hysterical laughter is contagious and I could see how funny it seemed. Just as she was calming down I said

"Yes as a matter of fact I am going to make notes."

We both collapsed in fits of laughter again holding each other as we laughed then she said

"To hell with the porn Harry, make love to me now"

I did as she asked and tried to make it as long and slow as I could. When we recovered she looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes. "Harry Anderson you're so good for me, I can't remember when I ever felt like this"

I gave her a playful slap on the bottom and reached for the remote. We lay there watching the porn videos and she chuckled every time I made notes. With each position or treatment of the women I asked

"Have you tried that" and she answered and if the answer was no I asked, "Do you want to" If the answer was yes" I asked "do you like it".

By the time I had finished I had a list of likes and dislikes and one "Never done it but want to try" I showed her my notes. She just laughed it was a list of cuts camera numbers angles for positions etc.

"I lie in bed with you to watch porn and instead of being turned on you analyse it".

"Well you want me to get it right don't you" was all I could say.

She slapped my arse and sent me to the shower. She was hot on my heals and we had the most delicious shower together.

After we'd dried each other and got dressed I outlined the plan for Alex coming home and giving Susan one happy day with him before I left. I knew what I was doing would be devastating for her but I really couldn't deal with the deception. I didn't know whether it was still going on and I think I was too scared to find out. Sarah took it all in then started counting the days before pointing out that because of the children being home all day at the weekend and Gary not leaving till Tuesday morning, It would be a week before we saw each other again.

"Seven days Harry, that's just too long." she said.

It seems crazy now but up to that point we hadn't exchanged numbers. We did this before we parted with a promise to keep in touch. As I arrived at the hospital my phone beeped to indicate a message received. It was from Sarah.

"7 days 2 long. Will thnk of sumthing CU soon"

I smiled to myself and thought "Yes I bet she does"

I was still smiling when I met Susan.

"That's what I like to see. My man with a smile on his face"

She put her hands round the back of my neck and reached up and kissed me lightly on the lips. She was very happy and told me everything was fine and that we could take Alex home after dialysis the following day. She told me not to be late for dinner at eight, kissed me again and left.

It was really good to see Alex looking so well, and we chatted happily. He was still a bit worried about his mother and that made me feel selfish since I was about to make things a lot worse. However I couldn't forget what I'd found out and the relationship between his mother and father would never be the same again. I still thought that a break was better for everyone in the end.

That evening passed off okay, with me claiming that I had to work and going to bed very late. The next day I went to the hospital and left Susan sprucing up the house and arranging to bring Maddy and Jacob home from her mother's. By mid afternoon Alex was free to leave and I drove him home to tumultuous welcome. He really was the centre of attention, which suited me fine. I had to work on my presentation for the following day.

The presentation went well and I could look forward to payment for my work. It kept me out of the house all day and I worked that evening before another late night. Friday was 'D' day and I got Alex to the hospital for 10.30am I made him a present of my old Phone saying that it would ease the boredom. We were back home for mid afternoon and Susan was thinking about dinner.

"What would you like for dinner tonight Harry?"

"I won't be having dinner tonight Susan, I'm leaving" I said.

She stood there with a mystified look on her face.

"What do you mean, you're leaving? What are you leaving?"

"You Susan, I'm leaving you. You'll find a short explanation on my desk in the office, along with my house keys. I've already taken the stuff I need and I hope you'll allow me to come back and pick up the rest when I've found somewhere to stay. I suggest we take it in turns to take Alex for dialysis and if it is O.K. With you I'll have them every other weekend." "I'll be in touch" I said and turned for the door.

It took her a few seconds for my words to register, then she ran to my office to find my note. It was more of a pictogram than a note. I had made it using the photos I had found in the attic. It read "Susan + Gary = Alex" and in words underneath "When were you going to tell me?" I heard her scream as I went out of the door. As I was backing out of the drive she came running out of the house. She reached the car window and with tears running down her face she cried out.

"Harry don't do this we have to talk."

As I reached the road I wound down the window.

"Susan , the time for talking was fourteen years ago. Don't you think you've left it a bit late?"

I drove away.

I hadn't realised how everybody takes sides in a break up or how quickly they choose sides. Everyone I knew, loved Susan and that includes my own family. When I arrived at my brother's house his wife Wendy came out to meet me. She accused me of not being completely honest with Bob and told me that my mother had called asking if I was there. She had told her that I was not which was true at the time.

"We won't lie for you Harry. You know you love Susan and no matter what either of you has done you owe it to yourselves to sort it out."

I asked if that meant I couldn't stay and she relented slightly.

"Not for long. You're Bob's brother and we love you but we won't be piggy in the middle in this"

I told her that I would find somewhere in the following week, and went up to the spare room to work. That evening I got a text. It was from Sarah. It read " 7 days 2long. CU 2morrow 4 dinner at The palm 7.30pm B there". I replied "look 4ward 2 it"

I also received a number of emails from Susan The first one read "Harry, I love you and only you. Please come home and we can talk about this."

"Harry, It is not what you think please call me."

I replied to this one with a simple question. "Can you guarantee that I am the father of our children?"

Her response said it all. "Please Harry come home and let's talk about this, if not for my sake, then for the sake of the children. We all love you and want you home."

My response was short and to the point "I take that as a NO then. I am now putting you on my email black list meaning all future emails from you will be discarded by the server."

I also received a number from Alex asking me what was going on but all I could do was to refer him to his mother and tell him I would pick him up Tuesday for dialysis.

I spent the next day touring the estate agents looking for somewhere affordable to live. It wasn't easy. My income from the business was good by most standards but a second property would make a hell of a dent in it and would mean that I wouldn't be able to save much for the kids college fund. Still I had the night to look forward to and by seven thirty I was sitting in the bar of the Palm Restaurant waiting for my date. The Palm was probably the best restaurant in town and I was feeling somewhat under dressed. I was wearing a linen jacket chinos and an open necked shirt while most male diners were wearing dinner jackets or morning suits. Sarah added to my discomfort when she turned up in a full length evening gown with a short fur cape covering her shoulders. As she came in and handed the cape to one of the girls I felt a lump in my throat and I was almost unable to speak. She walked over to me and greeted me with two kisses on each cheek

"Harry darling, have you been waiting long?"

"Only ten minutes" I lied. "Would you like an aperitif?"

We settled on Kir and I ordered these while she spoke to the Maître 'd' with whom she was on first name terms.

"Table will be ready in ten minutes" she said as she came to sit beside me.

She told me that her mother was sitting for her at home, the children were much too old for it to be babysitting.

"So Harry, was it really too beastly?"

I explained to her how things had happened the previous day and as I was doing so we were called through for our table. As soon as we were seated I continued with the whole sorry saga including the emails.

"How do you feel now Harry"

I told her I was not proud of myself. I felt that I had hurt Susan badly but didn't see how I could have left without hurting her. Nevertheless I still felt like a mean bastard.

"But you're hurting too Harry, I understand that."

I told her how Wendy didn't want me to stay and how my mother was trying to get hold of me so she could tell me to go back and how I felt somewhat isolated. I said I knew if I told my family my real reasons for leaving the roles would be reversed and my family would not give Susan the time of day but worse still my mother would probably want nothing more to do with my children. I didn't want that. And what if someone told the children? No, I would rather stay the villain of the piece. I knew I still loved her but I couldn't trust her.

From time to time we were interrupted by people seeking orders or bringing food and wine. Occasionally she reached over and squeezed my hand. I felt lifted after I'd unburdened myself to her. After we ordered the sweets I looked up to find her staring at me quite intently. I asked what was wrong. She countered with a question

"How old are you Harry, forty four, forty five?"

"Thirty Nine" I said indignantly.

"I'll bet you have had that hair style since school and those glasses just have to go. You are going to be my project Harry, I am going to transform you into a sexy thirty five year old"

"Like You" I said

She laughed "Yes like me."

She continued to tell me how she was going to improve my image right up to the time when the Brandy arrived. "What's your most pressing problem Harry, a place to stay?"

"Yes that would be my most immediate problem"

"And it has to be inexpensive, a place you can work and a place you can take the children, Yes?"

"Yes" I agreed.

As she got out her phone a waiter came over and told her they were not allowed in the restaurant she would have to go to the bar. She left me for a while then came back all smiles.

"Four bedroom house, just out of town, you pay all utility bills, your own council tax, keep the house and garden maintained and pending Charlotte's approval you can have it for six months. You will be house sitting. We go to see Charlotte on Monday at 10. Oh I nearly forgot to tell you Gary is off to Turkey a day early so we can see each other on Monday."

I called the waiter and asked for the bill. He told me that everything was taken care of. Sarah chuckled

"Daddy's treat, except he doesn't know"

I grinned and got her cape from the cloakroom

"Well what now Harry?"

I had assumed she would have to get back but apparently mummy was staying all night.

"I do hope you are not planning to drive home, not after that wine and Brandy"

"No I was prepared for that, I've booked in to the Travelodge around the corner."

"You've got a room Harry? Then what are we waiting for?"

From my hotel room she called a taxi at around 1.30am and left me to recover. In the morning I went back to Bob's house. I told Wendy I would be out of their hair sooner rather than later she was clearly embarrassed but I could understand her position. Up in the spare room it was time for work so out came the laptop and I made a start. It was hard to concentrate on work with all that was going on in my head. Then I got an email from Alex "On Dialysis, bored stiff, I need to talk to you Dad."

I replied "Is Mum there"

In very short order came his reply "No. She has Maddy and Jacob to look after you know"

I shut the laptop down and left for the hospital. As soon as I got there I realised I had been kidding myself that I could handle things with minimum casualties, in a break up everyone gets hurt and Alex was bringing this home with a vengeance. He was quite aggressive right from the start.

"Why did you leave us Dad?" He really knew where to strike.

I tried to tell him that I hadn't left them only their mother and that as soon as I got somewhere to live they would be welcome any time.

"But why can't you live with us, it's what we all want, even Mum"

"Right now son, I can't live in the same house as your mother. I can't tell you why, that would be wrong. Your mother has to tell you that"

I was trying to remain calm but I could see that he didn't understand.

"Mum can't tell us anything all she does is cry - she did say it was all her fault, that she did something unforgivable"

Susan obviously doesn't want them to hate me I thought but I can't tell him why without destroying him. What a bloody mess.

Alex started back at me again

"So what is it that can't be forgiven Dad? You always told us everyone deserves a second chance. Doesn't that include mum"

A direct hit. I was now in tears.