Secrets and Lies

"I am sorry Alex" I said between sobs. "I can't talk about this right now and until I can then I can't talk to your mother. I am sorry son" I got up and left.

I managed to make some progress on my new work project but it was slow going. Images kept coming and going through my mind as I tried to concentrate. Gary and Susan together laughing, laughing at me I thought. Alex, knocking at deaths door. Gary raising his hand to Susan and me pushing Gary's teeth out of the back of his head. I don't know when I fell asleep but I woke up next day fully clothed just lying on top of the bed. The knot in my stomach told me I had not eaten the previous day. I sent Sarah a text "Can I buy you breakfast?" then went off to the bathroom for a shower.

When I returned I had received a text from Sarah

"Cum 2 mine I will give U brekky ;-)" I must admit the wink at the end had me a bit worried. I was not sure that more sex was what I needed right now. Despite that I got in the car and was soon on my way. When I got to Sarah's I found much to my surprise that she was fully clothed. Jeans, tee shirt heeled sandals and hair pulled back in a pony tail. Then I remembered that we were going to see Charlotte this morning. She sat me down at the kitchen table gave me some orange juice and told me I would have to wait a few minutes for the eggs. I was soon served with a breakfast better than I would have bought anywhere.

"I am willing to bet you have not been eating properly. We can't have that you need to build up your stamina Harry"

We went off to see about the house. Charlotte was a pleasant girl, a little broad in the hip with a small chest short mousy hair and a pleasing face. I could imagine her riding to hounds. She conducted what amounted to an interview, asking about my background, what I did for a living, did I have pets etc. It turned out that as a single professional person I ticked most of the boxes and with Sarah's recommendation I didn't need references. The house, she told me was owned by person who worked for the diplomatic service and they had been drafted abroad and taken the whole family. It was fully furnished and it would be up to me to make sure it was in the same state when they returned as when they left. The owners would be away for at least six months if it was more than that then they would make a decision about what to do with the house. I would pay all utility bills and replace any breakages. She had a small amount of money to cover maintenance and repairs that could not be attributed to me. No pets were to be allowed in the house, Sarah made a sad face at that comment.

The house was a very pleasant one on a wooded estate at the edge of town. Four bedrooms, two en-suite and a double garage. In the garage were a Jeep Cherokee and a Porsche Boxster neither of which were to be touched I was told. With that Charlotte handed me the keys gave Sarah a hug with the customary kisses on each cheek and left us.

"Do you like it?" Sarah asked.

"Like it? This is like living a luxury lifestyle for me. How do you know these people?"

"Oh I don't know the owners but Charlotte is an old school friend and she was given the responsibility of finding someone to house sit. Just because Daddy keeps me married to a lorry driver, doesn't mean I have to live in his world. - You would do well in my world Harry, it would do your business the world of good."

She undid the button on the waist of her jeans and started sliding the zip down. "Now - are you still hungry?"

After I drove her home I went back to Bob's house to start my moving out. As I was packing up the car Wendy came back from the school run and looked at me rather sheepishly.

"Harry, there really wasn't that much of a hurry I didn't mean to throw you out."

"I know that Wendy I hadn't given enough thought to how all this would affect others. I don't want you having to lie for me, it's lies that have got me into this mess."

"What happened Harry" she asked as I knew she would.

"I think you should ask Susan that question. I don't want to say anything that she wouldn't want you to know." This was rapidly becoming my stock answer.

"Sounds like you still love her Harry, can't you just go back and fix things?"

"Of course I still love her. That's what makes things so difficult, If I hated her it would be easy I could tell everyone the bits I wanted them to know and not worry if it hurt her. As it is everything that hurts her, hurts me. If my marriage was a machine I could fix it. Take out the part that wasn't working properly and put in a new one. Relationships aren't like that, change one small part and the whole thing falls to pieces"

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Best you don't know that way if mum or Susan call you, you won't have to lie. It is local so I'll still see you around. Thanks for having me Wendy"

"No hard feelings Harry" she said brushing a tear from her cheek.

"No hard feelings Wendy" I said and gave her a hug before I got in the car and drove away.

The new house had a small office with phone and broadband connection. By the end of that evening I'd got myself sorted out and was ready to start work again. It was only when I started to think about sleeping that I realised I was hungry and that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Of course the cupboards were bare so it would have to wait till tomorrow.

The next day at ten, I turned up at my own house to pick up Alex for dialysis. I rang the bell and Susan answered the door. She looked worse than I felt. Her eyes were red, she had not a trace of make up and was wearing jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt. I'd been dreading this but Susan was holding it together. She welcomed me with a smile.

"Really Harry you shouldn't be knocking on your own front door, take your keys back" she implored and sent Alex to fetch my keys.

When she handed them to me I thanked her

"Well I'll take them for now. I've found somewhere to live for a while and I'll need to come back and collect a few things. I thought perhaps Thursday when you take Alex to dialysis"

Her face dropped at the mention of me finding somewhere to live. As she dropped the keys into my hand she held onto it with both of hers.

"We have to talk Harry things aren't what they seem."

"So you haven't been deceiving me for all those years, because that is the way it seems"

"What I did was wrong I know that but please give me a chance to explain"

She was keeping her voice low to avoid Alex hearing. I appreciated her efforts to remain calm and keep it away from the children, so why didn't I tell her that, instead of what came out of my mouth?

"Are you telling me Susan that in fourteen years there was never an opportunity to explain?"

She let go of my hand and ran back into the lounge crying.

"Yeah nice one Dad" said Alex as he came out to me. "Do you know how long she has spent building up to that, rehearsing what to say? Perhaps you're right, maybe you shouldn't come back yet"

I drove him to the hospital in silence, went with him to the dialysis room and watched them connect him up. He looked across at me as the machine started cleaning his blood.

"Dad. If I ask you straight question will you give me a straight answer"

"As long as there is one son, Yes I will"

"Does what's going on between you and mum have anything to do with my accident? Because before that you seemed really happy and it all seemed to go wrong while I was in Hospital."

"Straight answer, No. The only connection is while you were in hospital I found out things I never knew before but it would have come out sooner or later. None of you children are to blame for any of this. It's us the, so called, grown ups that have mucked up big time."

He told me I might as well go and leave him to it so I did, promising to be back for two thirty to pick him up. I had to go shopping for food and I wanted to see Sarah for a while.

At 2.30 I picked him up and took him home. I said I wouldn't come in this time. Before he got out of the car he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Dad, when you come to get your stuff, please don't leave your keys behind."

"Why not surely your mother doesn't want me able to come and go as I please."

"Cos while you still have your keys mum can believe you're coming back" He said "You are coming back one day aren't you?"

When did he get so smart?

I watched him until the door closed behind him.

I went back to my house determined to get some work done. The feeling in my stomach told me I hadn't eaten all day again but for some reason it seemed unimportant. By the time I had realised I was hungry I couldn't be bothered to cook.

My relationship with Sarah moved out of the bedroom and she became a frequent visitor to the house. If it hadn't been for her, and having the children over every other weekend, I might have wasted away. I seemed unable to get more than four hours sleep at night so I took to working in the small hours of the morning. At first none of this was a worry as it kept me ahead on all my projects but after a while the weight loss was noticeable. Sarah was the first to notice it, she saw a lot more of me than anyone else, and started asking me questions about my eating, sleeping etc. I hadn't worried because I could afford to lose a bit of weight, Sarah saw it as a sign of a deeper problem. She enrolled me at the same gym she used and worked on getting me fit.

I never liked going to the gym much but it seemed so much better going with a partner, especially because it gave me the chance to see Sarah in her gym shorts. We bought a couple of bikes and would frequently drive out to the local forests and country parks and ride the trails. Slowly my appetite returned and I was so tired that I slept right through to the alarm in the morning. I was slimmer than before with a body that was toned. Sarah loved it and wanted to start a make over but I reminded her that we had not finished the porn video yet. We couldn't have one of the stars changing his appearance completely half way through.

We still had to shoot the anal sex scenes. I was quite happy to skip this because everything I had read said that it hurt to start with. Sarah was adamant, that was the thing Gary always wanted but never got. It would really hurt him to see her giving it to another man. We were both anal virgins but we wanted the video to look like we were doing it all the time. We were obviously going to have to get some practice in. Our first attempt was a disaster, despite plenty of KY jelly, it hurt her so much that I lost all incentive and my dick softened and I had to give up. The next time I changed tack and tried a gradual approach, introducing first one finger then two and finally three, before inserting the real thing. This time she just let out a short scream and I was in. As I set about working my way deep into her arse I experienced the most amazing feeling with her rectal muscle tightening around my dick pulling it further in. For her it was still uncomfortable but she wouldn't give up. It took several more attempts before she started to enjoy it. By the time we put the final scenes in the can. Anal sex had become the finale to any sessions we had at her house. It was one of these sessions that finally destroyed my enthusiasm for the video.

Gary had made good time on the Auto-routes through France. He arrived at Calais two hours early and rather than hang around Calais for a couple of hours he tried and succeeded in getting on an earlier ferry. So it was that Sarah and I were still in bed when he got home. He must have heard us because as I was ramming it into Sarah's backside she was being more than a little vocal. When he opened his bedroom door and saw us his mouth fell open.

"What the hell is going on?"

Sarah turned to look at him. "Harry is fucking my arse, what does it look like? Now if you don't mind we would like some privacy"

In those few seconds before he closed the door I saw his face go from outrage to anger then to timid acceptance. His masculinity shrivelled and died before my eyes. Sarah was yelling "Don't stop Harry Don't Stop" She achieved her orgasm and we collapsed. I couldn't get the image of Gary out of my head and at that moment I knew I had no desire to hurt him any more.

With all the filming done the way was clear for Sarah to start her makeover of Harry Anderson. The first thing was the hair style, the one that I'd had since school had to make way for something with more cool. I came out with a lot less hair than I went in with and instructions of how to maintain the style between visits. The next thing was my glasses. She took me to an optician and had me try almost every frame in the shop. Then she called the assistant over put the frames she liked most on me one at a time asking the girl which ones made the most of my features. Between them they agreed on a pair.

"To be honest," the assistant said "I think he looks best with none at all".

And so it was that I became a wearer of contact lenses. Her next task was to modernise my wardrobe. She went through my clothes sorting them into three piles, charity shop , throw away and keep. The keep pile was the smallest of the three. With Sarah there to give me style advice I ordered a couple of bespoke suits then we went looking for more casual clothes. It was difficult but I did manage to limit her to the normal High Street outlets. The transformation was almost complete when on one of our shopping trips I almost ran into my sister in law Wendy.

"Hi Wendy" I said. She stopped and looked back at me. "Harry?" she said as if she could not believe her eyes. "I am so sorry I did not recognise you, you look so - different"

We chatted for a while and I introduced Sarah as an old friend

"Not so much of the old" Sarah said and we all laughed. I promised Wendy I would bring the children round to see them soon.

By now it was nearly two months since I had left Susan I had the children every other weekend We still hadn't talked about our situation since we only met with the children around and neither of us would discuss it in front of them. Then I made another big mistake. The children loved the house that I was living in. They loved the big garden, they loved its location being near to the country parks and forests. What possessed me to introduce them to Sarah I don't know but that is what I did. I arranged for her to drop in on us one Saturday afternoon. When she called in I introduced her as an old friend and pointed out that it was Sarah who found me the nice house. Jacob and Maddy accepted it and were very friendly but Alex seemed somewhat hostile. The following Thursday, when I called to pick him up for dialysis, he did not come running out. I waited for a while then walked up and rang the door bell. Susan came to the door looking very embarrassed.

"I am sorry Harry I had no way of contacting you to tell you. Alex has arranged to be picked up by the patients transport from the hospital he left about nine this morning. - - It wasn't me Harry, he did it all by himself" she continued with tears welling up in her eyes.

I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Susan. One thing I do know is that you would never do anything to deliberately hurt me."

"That's a start then Harry isn't it?"

"Yes it's a start." I agreed and left once again.

Alex never came to the house after that, in fact he cut off all communications. I can't say it didn't hurt and within a couple of weeks I found myself starting my day by parking a few houses away just to watch the patients transport pick him up. It was only a few minutes a week but it allowed me to see him and his mother and keep an eye on how they were. Sarah consoled me and assured me that he would come around. She didn't know Alex. I knew that I had lost my eldest son and that as they got older the others would follow. I didn't think I had much left to lose so I went to see the solicitor and told him to file the divorce petition, Irreconcilable Differences.

Shortly after that Sarah's children were away on a school trip for ten days. I had been looking forward to the days when she didn't have to rush off mid-afternoon, however, the reality was something different. On the first night she suggested that we went out to eat and I took her out to a nice country pub that we had found. She said she wanted to talk I was preparing myself for the kiss off. You know "it's been fun while it lasted but now it is time to move on". What I got I wasn't prepared for.

We had got to the sweet course before she made anything more than small talk. Then came the big one.

"I've never said this to any man before but I'm in love with you Harry Anderson"

I tried to interject but she stopped me.

"No don't stop me now Harry I have got to say this. I love you Harry and I think we can be happy together. I can live with playing second fiddle to Susan, I know you still love her and probably always will. What I can't live with is knowing that you're not as happy as you should be. You are a good man Harry you deserve to be happy"

"But I am happy."

"No you're not Harry, if you were you wouldn't start your day sitting in your car waiting to catch a glimpse of your son. Recently when we are alone together you drift off somewhere. Where do you go Harry?"

She didn't wait for me to answer that question.

"If I commit to you Harry it has got to be on the basis that you won't, at sometime, go back to Susan. Like I said I can live with the fact that you love her and even that you may love her more than you love me but I need to know that you really can't get over this thing between you."

"Well I have petitioned for a divorce, isn't that good enough?"

"No Harry it isn't You still haven't spoken to her about it. We both know that Susan is not the type for a quick roll in the hay with Gary and the very idea of her having an affair with him over the course of four years is preposterous. You said it yourself you don't know how often or even if she is still doing it. The only way you will find out is to talk to her"

I was dumb struck there was so much to take in. we drove home with hardly a word between us. I had hoped she would stay the night but she told me that I had some serious thinking to do. The one thing I have learned about women is that when they are right they are right. I had been a pig headed fool and it was high time I sorted it out.

I went to see Susan the very next morning, I even bought some flowers on the way. If we couldn't talk that day then perhaps we could fix a time to talk. Without much thought I strolled up to the front door and rang the bell. There was no answer. I went around the back to see if she was in the garden, again no joy. On the way back out I realised that her car was not there. I was just walking down the drive when I saw Mrs Mason from across the street coming towards me

"Can I help you"

"Oh I just wanted to see Susan I will try again later"

"Well you might be lucky and you might not. It's her son you see, he's taken poorly again. They didn't come back from the hospital last night."

I gave her the flowers as a thank you got in my car and drove straight to the hospital. I saw Susan's car in the car park. I went to the Renal unit and soon found them in a side room. I looked through the window in the door and saw Alex semi-conscious in the bed with Susan sitting beside him holding his hand in hers. I decided not to disturb them but went in search of a doctor who could tell me what was going on. I eventually found the doctor who had dealt with Alex the first time. He told me Alex had a problem from the start of his dialysis and was found to be suffering from a collapsed vein. This in itself was not a problem but it precludes any future dialysis. He then said that Alex was now top priority on the transplant list and it was just a matter of time before a suitable kidney became available.