Silent Love

Sarah turned and headed toward the door. Sarah looked back and shook her head in disgust, leaving me in my sorrow. I waited all afternoon. Soon it was evening. Some friends stopped by from the office, but Lisa was still a no show.

I sent her dozens of emails and text messages from my cell phone, but she never replied to any of them. I didn't sleep much that night.

"Tomorrow, she'll be in tomorrow," I said to myself. Tomorrow never came.

A hospital room is a very lonesome place when you're there all by yourself. As the day waned, Lisa never showed. I was alone. The commitment I tried so hard to avoid is now what I desperately wanted. I needed Lisa.

I would be discharged in the early afternoon. I called Sarah and asked her if she could pick me up and take me back home. I couldn't locate Lisa to ask her.

Sarah and Bob arrived on time as they always seemed to do.

"Sarah, did you see Lisa? Is she okay? Does she still love me?"

"Jim, I told you, you screwed things up," Sarah said with a bit of anger in her voice.

"I know I did. I'd give anything to make it right with her…"

Sarah pulled up a chair and sat beside me. "Okay, here's the deal. Lisa has been staying with Bob and me these last few days…"

"Is she Okay? Why didn't you tell me she was there with you?" I interrupted.

"Well," Sarah continued, "Why should I? You never wanted any commitment with her, so what's the difference? How long were you going to tug at her heart? Jim, Vicky is gone. You need to close that chapter of your life and start anew with Lisa.

"Bob and I talked with her, she wanted to leave you, but we talked her into giving you another chance. Perhaps it was just the anger she had doing the talking, cause we almost had to tie her down to keep her from running back here the next day.

"Lisa and I had a long talk. Now there is one thing she insisted, and I insist as well. You need to go to the cemetery and make peace with Vicky. I know you've not been there in years, you've not been back since the funeral. This relationship won't work with two women. Don't you agree?"

"Yeah… you're right. Sarah, please tell me where Lisa is?"

Sarah looked back over her shoulder to Bob.

"Bob…"

Bob pushed the door back. Lisa was standing just outside, watching us from between the door and wall, she was reading everyone's lips and knew what was happening inside the room.

"Come on Bob, let's go. You and I can use a drink. These two can take it from here."

Bob and Sarah walked past Lisa as she moved slowly into the room. God did she looked good to me. She came over and sat down on the side of the bed. She wouldn't look at me. I reached out and touched her face so I could see her eyes.

I know Lisa can read lips, she does it all the time, but right now, this instant, I decided to communicate to her in her own language.

"Lisa I've fallen in love with you. Lisa, I love you."

She smiled a weak smile.

Lisa signed back, "I love you too."

Then she signed, "Why Jim? Why did it take you so long to tell me? Why?"

"I made a promise to Vicky that I would never forsake her. A promise to someone lying in a grave. Lisa I was wrong. I fell in love with you months ago. I just didn't want to break a promise I made." I said.

Lisa got up and stood beside the bed.

She started to sign to me, "You—you and I— can't move forward if you're still living in the past. You don't have room for me in the future. I'm tired of always being the third person… just like in college!"

"The night we first made love. Were you making love to me or to her?"

Lisa clenched her hands together into fists and pounded on the bed in a fit of rage.

Lisa lost her control and yelled out in her own distorted, garbled, and mangled voice and yelled out in frustration.

"I can't compete with a dead woman!"

I reached out and tried to grab her arms, but she broke my grip. I'd never seen her this angry. She started signing to me again.

"Either you stay with her in the past, or you move forward and start a new life with me. I'm going forward with my life, with or without you. I don't want to share you with a dead woman!"

At last her hands became still. She looked and me, crossed her arms, and turned away. She put a hand to her forehead and took a few steps around the room. She turned back to me and I could see her eyes were red. I saw her hands go up.

"Damn you anyway…I still love you!"

I got up from the bed and grabbed her arm then pulled her down beside me. I took her hands into mine as we sat back down together side-by-side on the bed.

"Lisa the first time we made love, and every time since, it was you and it always will be you."

I continued talking to Lisa.

"I told you I'd never hurt you. And look what I did. I was wrong. I'm so very wrong."

I squeezed her hands.

"Sarah, my doctors, my co-workers, and all my friends told me I need closure with Vicky. They all told me the same thing. I heard each and every one of them crystal clear. But it wasn't until you came into my life and told me; a woman whose voice is silent, whose voice I heard the loudest."

I started to draw upon all my reserves of masculinity, after all grown men don't cry, but I felt I was quickly losing the battle. I placed my hands down on Lisa's knees.

"Lisa," I began, "Sarah was right …What a fool I've been…The last two and a half days…I thought I lost you…"

I felt my lips begin to quiver as I spoke, "I love you Lisa…"

I lost the battle with my emotions as I could feel a tear running down my face as I said, "I need you… Please don't leave me… …"

Lisa reached up with her hand, and touched my cheek, as she wiped the tears from my face with her thumb. I turned my face away, embarrassed by my tears. I soon felt her warm hand upon my face and she gently pulled me back to her. With her hands holding my head, she softly kissed my tears away. Lisa placed warm gentle kisses on my cheeks and my eyes. Regaining some composure I said, "This Saturday, I'm going to tell Vicky I can't keep my promise. I'd like for you to come along. Will you?"

Lisa shook her head yes.

"I want to go home Lisa, take me home."

****

As I had promised Lisa, it was Saturday and it was time.

The trip was short and it seemed we were pulling into the cemetery and down the access lane within half-an-hour. Although it had been over two years since I was at Vicky's grave, I knew exactly where it was; perhaps thirty yards from one of the walking paths.

We walked close to the grave site, Lisa's arms locked around mine. I stopped. Lisa let her arms loose, and I continued to the grave on my own. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I slowly made my way to her headstone. Then as though someone knocked the strength right out of my legs, I fell to my knees. I ran my fingers along her name, tracing out each letter. Victoria. The letters were sharp and cut deep into the cold black granite.

I shouldn't have come here. I knew I had to.

I started to cry.

Lisa was behind me, she couldn't read my lips, and through my tears I said, "Vicky I'm so sorry…I tried to be true to you…Vicky… I've fallen in love again…Forgive me my love, forgive me…"

I started to shake and before I knew it, I was sobbing out of control. My whole body seemed to move. I placed one hand down on my knee, while I tried to hide my face from Lisa with the other. My warm tears fell like a spring shower, washing away the dust from upon Vicky's stone.

I saw a shadow and looked over just in time as Lisa knelt down beside me. In the stillness of the cemetery, Lisa attempted to speak just two words in her distorted, voice. "I'm here." I dried my eyes the best I could and stood beside Lisa. We both looked upon Vicky's grave, and then we turned away. It's done. A deaf woman words spoke volumes to me, and I'd made my peace with Vicky. It was time to move forward with my life…my life with Lisa.

As we walked away from Vicky's grave, I led Lisa past our parked car to a small open area where several small white wrought iron benches surrounded a small flower garden. There was no one in the cemetery, and Lisa and I sat down beside each other.

Lisa looked lovely. Her hair would blow across her face when a breeze would catch it just right. The sun caught her freckles, and they appeared to glisten on her face. I moved my hand across her cheek, she felt so smooth, so warm; so alive.

Lisa threw her arms around me pulling me close to her body. I placed a soft kiss on her lips, and she let out a sigh. I ran my hand down her arms caressing them as I went. Lisa looked so content she just seemed to glow. I kissed her on the lips again then I said, "You'll never have to compete with a dead woman again…ever…Let's go back to our home."

****

The months went by quickly and before we knew it, winter had arrived. We both came running in from outside, and stomped the snow from our shoes as I closed the door behind us. Giggling like a couple of small children, I turned to Lisa and said, "I haven't made snow angels since I was a kid. That was fun! You'd best get some dry clothes on, I'll bring in an armful of wood or two. They're calling for a nor'easter to come in tonight, might be a big storm." Lisa went to the bedroom to change while I made my way to the woodpile.

While Lisa was busy in the bedroom I set out several candles and started a fire in the hearth. As the wood started to burn, I poured some wine into a pair of glasses. I kicked my shoes off and got down onto the carpet, leaning up against a chair.

I noticed just how silent the room was. There was no wind out, and the falling snow seemed to muffle the noise of the streets. I strained to hear anything. The only sound was that of the burning wood; Lisa couldn't even hear that. My God, to live in such a silent world, to hear nothing all the time…

I felt her hand on my shoulder, and I turned toward her. I offered up the glass of wine I poured for her. She took it from my hand and came down onto the floor next to me. I ran my fingers up, and down her warm legs, her skin glistening from the light of the fire; she nuzzled her head onto my chest. She lay by my side, the two of us taking in the warmth of the fire. The room was filled with the flicking yellow light from the fire and candles. Looking out the window, I could see the snow falling down. Wearing only a yellow teddy and white socks, she smiled and signed, "You like this?"

"I'd like it better in a pile on the floor."

"You would?" Lisa signed, as she pulled the sheer teddy up and off her body. Lisa was down to just a pair of white panties along with a pair of white socks. Lisa's breasts protruded proudly from her slender body.

"Better now?" She signed.

"Much better," I said, "A husband could get addicted seeing his wife like this."

Lisa pushed back on me and looked astonished and bewildered at the same time.

I signed to her, "Although our love is silent, it burns hot like the fire, yet it is as soft as the snow falling from the sky. Lisa I want to be your husband. I want you to be my wife."

I reached under the chair and pulled out a small white case. I opened it up and handed it to her. The ring inside took on a glow from the fire and candles.

"Lisa…will you marry me?"

Lisa seemed in a trance. I took the ring from the case and, slipped it on her finger.

She just kept looking at it. Then she wrapped her arms around me, pushing me back onto the floor. Lisa started kissing me and I could feel her warm tears falling from her eyes and onto my cheeks.

I got us both back up against the chair and said, "I take it that's a yes?"

I could see a lump in Lisa throat, her face was red and she started to sign, but way too fast for me. I reached out and grabbed her hands.

"Slowly," I said.

Lisa regained her composure and signed, "Yes, Yes, Yes! All I've ever wanted was to be loved by someone. Just to be held tightly and be told I'm loved. I dreamt of it since I was a child. I want someone who loves me, and a place I can call home."

I wrapped my arms around Lisa and held her tight.

"Lisa, you've found a home here in my heart… Lisa welcome home…"