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Click here"That's B.A. Baracus, Dad. You're Magnum P.I. in this analogy..."
Jack mumbled his assent and went back to sleep, leaving the lounge in near silence.
"...zzZZzz you're a bad evil dolly zzZZzz..."
Jeanne noted with a smile that Evie was not even close to awake.
"...zzZZzzZZzz... magic basement fairy made us do it ...zzZZzzZZzz..."
She stroked Evie's hair comfortingly and checked to confirm her suspicions.
"Hey Mum, Eves is talking in her sleep."
Adele wasn't anywhere close to conscious herself, but could manage a weak "That's cute..." before falling into true sleep. Jeanne stroked her sister's hair again.
"...zzZZzz... Purple-rain, Puuuurrple raiiiinn..."
Jeanne smiled as the rambling tailed off.
"Yeah, it is..."
She snuggled down into the makeshift floor-bed and closed her eyes.
- COMMENTS
Anonymous8 months agoOne of my favorite stories, but sadly it appears the author has stopped writing
Gartack_Dreamerabout 1 year agoWell written twist on the basic theme. I especially liked the use of the magical curse to extend the main action well beyond human stamina. Also, love the pseudonym. It fits the writing style very well. Sesquipedalian without excess.
Anonymousabout 5 years agoThis has ended being one of my favorite stories on this site, I would love to see a follow-up, I hope the writer is still writing because this is great
Surprisinglysesquipedalianover 6 years agoAuthorI'd especially like to thank JessicaS and Who_Knows for your thoughts on pacing. This is an area I was a little leery about as I wrote it, I really liked the slower character stuff at the beginning but I was advised to sort of 'get things moving'. I don't have the pacing quite right yet, but I think the key problem was that there were just a few too many characters interacting at once.
It ended up being a kind of 'Tab A into Slot B' misadventure that I'm not too happy with. I don't hate it necessarily, but I'm much more interested in what the characters are thinking as opposed to what they're physically doing. My partner suggested that if I had my way the sex part would never actually materialize, and she might have been on to something there. I'm willing to give it a couple more tries and see if I can weave the characterization and the action a little more skillfully.
I think that I'd like to trim down the character list a little for the next chapter, maybe focus on her and one or at most two people she interacts with. Five separate individuals working all at once was perhaps a little ambitious for a first attempt?
I have 2000 words or so of the morning after and I think I'd like to work on scaling back the action, letting the characters unwind and separate, sort of establish their new normal without any real sexual activity.
I was planning to introduce Evie's two best (read: only) friends, but I'm torn between doing that and focusing on the relationship between her and Jeanne.
Well, I'll see which idea has legs as I go, but thoughts are always welcome.
Once again, thank you all for reading and for your comments.
Who_Knowsover 6 years agoStarted out with a very specific point of view, but in the middle it just became an exercise in "How many different combinations of these people can I run through?" which could have been written by anybody about any indistinct group of family members.
Now, I *suspect* "partner's behest" means you may be basing this on specific people, which would leave you and her with a fleshed-out picture of all personalities involved no matter how little detail appears on the page. Even if I'm wrong in that supposition, it doesn't matter; this still gets immediately better by developing the characters (and character dynamics) beyond rough sketches. Spend time in their world and allow them to demonstrate they have inner lives.
This showed great potential otherwise. So much amateur writing is just the rote checking off of events that constitute the plot, whereas your opening demonstrated a stylishness and facility for weaving a tale. Also in that vein, ignore criticism of the italics. Emphasis gets across tone and meaning turning inert words on a page into dialogue you can hear.
Looking forward to seeing more from you in the future.
