Step by Step

"Carl?"

"Yes, sir! How may I help you?" Carl Jefferson asked.

"What's the young lady's name you're helping?"

"Uh...Riley. Why? Is there something I can help you with, boss?"

"Yes, there is, Carl. Will you bring her back here to my office, please?"

"Sure will, sir. Be right there."

Colton watched his best salesman point toward his office, saw a puzzled look on the pretty girl's face, then followed them all the way to his door which was partly open when Carl knocked. "Mr. Bradley? She's here. Shall I send her in?"

Colt nodded and stood up as Carl motioned for her to come in. Riley looked as lovely as she had the last time he saw her. She was still very thin but she was simply beautiful.

"Hello, Riley. It's good to see you," Colt said as he offered her his hand. Normally, he would wait for a lady to offer hers, but he knew Mormons were hand shakers so he did the offering.

"Oh, my heavenly days! Colton Bradley? What in the world are you doing in Charlotte and...here?" She looked behind her and saw his name on the glass window: Colton Bradley, General Manager. "This is your dealership, Colt? Oh, my goodness! Um...well, congratulations!"

She opened her arms inviting a hug so Colt stepped up and hugged her politely. "Please have a seat, Riley. I was shocked when I first saw you. I had to look twice to be sure, but I'd recognize you anywhere. You look great, by the way. No surprise there."

"Oh, thank you, Colt! You, too. You look so handsome in a suit and tie. Well, you always looked handsome but... So how long have you been here?"

"Just over two years. Dad sent me down here to learn the ropes and I just took over this dealership three months ago. But the bigger question is what brings you to Charlotte to look for a car when Roanoke has a dealership right in town?"

Riley looked down at the purse in her lap for a moment then said, "I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn I remarried—again."

Colt didn't want to say anything even remotely rude so he said genuinely, "Oh, that is a surprise. Congratulations! Who's the lucky guy?"

Riley didn't want to make eye contact at first but eventually said, "Joey Collins."

Colt didn't say what he was thinking, but Joey had just gotten out of high school when Colt left Roanoke. He couldn't have been more than 19 when Riley married him. Sheesh. He decided discretion was the better part of valor and said, "Well, he's a very lucky man, Riley. Do you guys live her in the city or out in one of the suburbs?"

Again, she hesitated. "Actually, I'm living here...alone. I asked Joey to leave six months ago and before you ask, yes, I'm divorcing him."

Colt saw tears well up in Riley's eyes and he instinctively moved to sit next to her. He removed the kerchief from his pocket and handed it to her. She looked at in and said, "I can't use this, Colt. It's pure silk."

"Nonsense," he told her. "It's a thing and things can be replaced. Go ahead. Please."

Riley dabbed her eyes and drew a deep breath. "I've thought about our last night together a hundred times, Colt."

Colton looked directly at her and said sincerely, "Me, too, Riley. I'm so sorry for the way I talked to you. I was rude, insensitive, and downright mean. I hope you can forgive me after all this time."

Riley looked at him and said, "No. It isn't me needing to forgive you. I'm the one who was so wrong. You had this ability to...to see right through me. It was as though you could read my mind better than I knew my own thoughts. I was just so angry because you tried to tell me who and what I was or...am...but I reacted defensively because the truth hurt so much. And it took a third marriage...and divorce...to force me to admit you were right. So the better question is can you forgive me?" She looked up and met his gaze as she finished speaking.

"Of course I can. We both said some unpleasant things but that's all in the past. We're older and wiser now, right?"

Riley smiled a wry smile and said, "Well, I'm definitely older. I just turned 30 and I'm waiting on a third divorce. Maybe that's why I feel like I just turned 50."

Colt saw more tears so he put his hand on her shoulder. "Hey! There's no need for that. We all make mistakes, Riley. No one's perfect. And for the record, you're just as pretty as you were the last time I saw you."

Riley let out a polite kind of snort and said, "Yeah, I look beautiful, don't I, with all this mascara running down my face and me making a fool out myself in here telling you all this? I really am what Mama calls a 'hot mess.'"

Colt decided to change the subject. "So I take it you're here looking for a new car?"

Another soft snort. "Hardly. I'm here trying to get someone to take back the car I bought six months ago before Joey left. I can't afford to make the payments now that he's gone and I'm living on my income alone."

"Did you buy it here? I mean, is there anything wrong with it?" Colt asked her.

"No. I love the car. It's just too much. You know how I am. This was another status symbol. A big, expensive car. A handsome young husband. You were so right, Colt. I am a very shallow woman."

"Tell you what I'll do. Let me have a look at it and then we'll discuss options."

Thirty minutes later they were back inside. "It's in great shape. You have extremely low mileage on it so we can either refinance it for you or I'll buy it back for what you paid and give you a great deal on something more...practical. Sound reasonable?"

"Colt? Why would you do something so nice for me after the way I treated you? How is it that you can be the better person even when you were wronged like that?"

"Because I know people, Riley. I can recognize potential. You're still that same sweet, pretty girl I liked so much. And maybe, just maybe, you've gotten to the point where you can admit what you've been doing isn't working."

"I'm long past that point, Colt. I readily admit what I've been doing doesn't work. But finding something that will...well...I don't even know where to start to find out what that might be. I feel completely lost and so...alone."

"Let's take care of the business at hand and if you feel like it, maybe we could talk this evening. I'd be happy to take you to dinner if you're interested. I just want you to know, I don't go to church anymore. In case you'd heard rumors or were just wondering."

Riley smiled for the first time since she said hello. "First of all, I would love that. But I know you're spending a lot of your hard-earned money fixing my mistake. You didn't have to do any of this, so thank you for that, Colt. Maybe I could make dinner for us instead? Secondly, I kind of assumed you'd stop going to church since you never came back after that...argument we had. Right or wrong, I felt like that was mostly my fault ever since. Regardless, I'm glad you told me, Colt. But in all honesty? It doesn't bother me at all, okay? I really mean that. I've just gotta warn you, I'm living in a very tiny little apartment so don't expect anything too fancy, okay?"

"I'd like that, Riley. And I'm glad you're okay with my decision concerning the Church. As to your place, I don't care where you live. I'm not coming to see your things, I'm coming to see you. If you'll recall, when we were dating, I didn't even have a place. I was still living with my folks. I'm sure we'll discuss all of this, along with many other things, at some length tonight. Just let me have your address and tell me when you'd like me to show up and I'll be there. Now, let's go get you into something that's more practical and still fun, shall we?"

The conversation stayed mostly light during dinner in Riley's very modest little apartment until the subject of religion reared it's ugly head. "So you know I have to ask why you left the Church, right? So...why did you?"

Colt kindly and patiently explained the doubts which began to grow on his mission all the way to their last um...conversation...through his mostly recent revelation that all religion is manmade.

"But one of them has to be true, right?" Riley insisted.

Colt said, "In my mind, it's 99.99% certain that all of them are made up—inventions of man—but I will agree one of them could be right. Here's another truth. It's impossible to prove the existence or non-existence of God. That said, the question is what would make that one church/religion/faith, 'right'? All of the major religions as well as every denomination within them believes IT has the full and complete truth. All of them say that and all them do so based on faith. Muslims behead 'infidels' based on absolute faith in their God. You don't think they have the truth, but they do. In fact, they are willing to die or kill others, to prove it. Jehovah's Witnesses are certain theirs is the correct path. So are the Seventh-day Adventists. Same with Mormons. Same with those who are born-again Christians. What makes any one group stand out other than their insistence that their way is the right way? Seriously? What is it? It all comes to down to faith and anecdotal evidence coupled with subjective experience. Sorry, but that just isn't enough for me. If it works for you, so be it. But it doesn't for me. And most of all? There is no direct evidence any god exists and if one does, there is also no evidence whatsoever he 'hears and answers prayers.' A couple of studies tried to show prayer can help sick people but both were later debunked. God is a creation of man rather than man the creation of God."

"Even six months ago, I would have started an argument with you. I'd have countered with all the things I've learned over my life to defend the Church. But not now. I'm so disillusioned and I feel so...broken, Colt. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm open to new ideas because I can't keep doing what I've been doing and expecting different results."

"Einstein said that was the definition of insanity, right?" he said trying to lighten the mood.

Riley stared at him and said, "Everyone who knows you or your dad says you two are some of the smartest people they know. Neither of you graduated from college and yet you think deeper than anyone else I've ever met. Somehow, you...see people. You have this...this...gift. You can look inside and tell what the other person is feeling and needing even when they can't. I was such a fool that night." Colt started to speak but Riley said, "No, wait. Let me finish. At the time, I wouldn't admit you were right because I couldn't. I wasn't able to see what you could. So now as I look back with 20/20 hindsight, it's easy to think I should have know better. But I wasn't mentally prepared to accept what you were telling me."

"So what's changed, Riley?" he asked.

"Time. Just time. But time can be very powerful, Colt. You needed time to sort through what you knew inside was right once you started having doubts. So did I. The difference is you listened early on and I wouldn't. I was so afraid of what would happen if I followed my heart. What would Mama think? What would my sisters think? That scared me more than living a lie and knowing I'd repeat the same mistakes again. At least until I made this one with Joey. Don't get me wrong. He's a very sweet boy. But, well, all I can say is you were 100% right that night that seems like a lifetime ago. I couldn't say that then, but time has given me perspective and now I can. You were right, Colt. So how do I go about connecting with the real me? How do I even figure who that person is? How do I move from here...to...there? Can you help with this one too, or is that asking for a...miracle?"

Colt saw Riley smile bravely to soften the hurt she was feeling so he reached out and took her hand. "I don't know whether or not I have all the answers, Riley. But I do have ideas. I know what worked for me. In my case, the most important thing was take a first step. Mine was a big one. I made a permanent and final break with religion altogether. Not just with the Mormon Church but with all religion. I'm never letting any person have that kind of control over me again. Ever. From there, it was just a matter of taking tiny steps in the direction that felt right to me."

"What kind of steps?" she asked as she put her other hand on top of his.

"One of the first things I decided was that even though it was my my choice and mine alone to do whatever I wanted, I wasn't going to go off the deep end and start committing crimes or doing meth. I resolved to do whatever felt right for me as long as I didn't hurt anyone else in the process. That allowed me to break free from all of the social restrictions heaped on us by religion and live my life my way. If I want to drink coffee or have a glass of wine, doing so isn't a sin. It's a choice. If someone I'm with agrees to have sex, then it isn't 'fornication' or 'adultery.' It's just...sex. I don't lie, cheat, or steal, Riley. I live a moral life set by my own standard of 'do no harm.' I don't look to prophets, priests, or rabbis to tell me what's good or bad, holy or evil. I can make those decision just fine on my own. And so can you."

Riley smiled and said, "So are you suggesting we should get drunk and sleep together?"

Colt laughed politely and said, "I'm ready for both of those things but you're not."

Riley sat up and said, "Hey. Wait a minute! I'm an adult, too. I think I'm capable of making my own decisions, thank you very much!"

Colt knew she was only partly kidding but he got serious when he said, "Riley? You are an adult. But you've lived under the repression of religion all of your life. If you well...go off the deep end...all at once, it will overwhelm you. Here's what I'm going to suggest. It's Wednesday evening. You think about this stuff for a couple of day. Give it some really careful thought. If you feel comfortable taking a first step, I'll take you out for a drink. Well, maybe we should start with a cup of coffee first since even that is a huge no-no for any member of the Church. If you're not racked with guilt or feeling torn apart internally, then we'll take another small step from there. Sound good?"

Riley had a look of genuine disappointment on her face. "I was really hoping you'd agree to stay here with me tonight but if that's out of the question..."

"You have no idea how much I'd like that, Riley. But some things have to be done slowly and carefully. It took years and years to program your brain to think a certain way. You've only been questioning it for a few months and you just determined what the problem is. If you try and unpack all that in one day or even in a few days, it will be very painful and you'll run back to the perceived safety of what you've known all of your life. Trust me on that, will you?"

Riley looked down and sighed. "How are you this smart? I have a BS in nursing and whenever we talk I feel like I just sat down with a college professor in my freshman year. And you're so kind." She looked back up at Colt and added, "And still so...handsome. Did you know that, Colt? You are the most handsome guy I've ever dated. Had you let me control you the way I wanted..."

"I'd have been victim number three and Joey would have been left out there growing really, really old—like 21—waiting to become number four. That's what!" he said jokingly.

She picked up her napkin and threw at him. "You see! Once again, you're right. I don't know whether to be furious or ask you to kiss me goodnight."

"You can do both," Colt told her as he took her hand and stood up.

"Will you kiss me goodnight, Colton Bradley?" she asked shyly.

"Yes, I will Riley...how many last names have you had now?" he said as he ducked.

"Oh, you are so in for it, mister!" she said as she chased him the whole three steps into the living room. "That was just mean," she said as she put her arms around him. "True but mean. Now will you kiss me? Please?"

Colt lowered his head and as he did he saw Riley's eyes close and her lips part in anticipation of their first kiss in over two years. Several seconds later, he raised his head as Riley said, "Wow! That was so worth the wait. I hope and pray it won't be our...oops. Sorry. I hope it won't be two years before you kiss me like that again, Colt."

"Depending on what you decide over the next couple of days, it won't have to be. I'll call you Friday evening and check in with you, okay?"

"You better. I've missed you, Colton Bradley."

"I've missed you too, crazy woman," he said as he ducked again. "I know! I know! I better get out of your house right now! How could I forget."

Riley walked him to the door and told him she'd had a wonderful evening and said she hoped maybe one day he'd not keep reminding her of the worst night of her life. He told her he'd try but couldn't make any promises then ducked a third time. She smiled and kissed him on the cheek before he left and wished him a pleasant night.

Colt closed his door around 3pm on Friday afternoon and dialed Riley's number. She picked it up on the first ring and said, "Colton? Hi! I'm so glad you called."

"Hi, Riley. It was great seeing you again. So what's the verdict?"

"Well...," she said. "I've done nothing but think since we talked and what you said about taking steps is the thing that keeps coming back to me. I feel like I've been living in a movie that keeps rewinding but never goes anywhere for as long as I can remember. So unless I truly am insane and want to find husband number 4—and divorce number 4, maybe we could have that drink sometime?" Her voice rose at the end which told Colt she trying not to be in control. That, plus the fact she understood the need to take a first step, led him to believe it might be very enjoyable to have a second...what? Date? Get together? The name wasn't that important whatever they might call it.

"Okay. If you're sure, that is. I don't want to go through the whole regret thing again."

"Oh, my gosh. I am so embarrassed. I did that to you so many times. I'd egg you on to go as far as I felt I could go then stop you. If that wasn't childish enough, I'd inflict my own guilt on you the next day as though you were the one who did the egging. Saying I'm sorry so sounds trite so I'll just hope you can forgive me and maybe even forget?"

Another rise in her voice. Nice. "So can I pick you up around eight?"

"That sounds perfect, Colt. I've never been out for a drink before. Any ideas as to what I should wear?"

Riley knew Colt loved the way she dressed or at least he used to. She wanted to look her best for him regardless. "I'm sure you'll look amazing no matter what you wear, Riley. It's a very nice place but not stuffy or formal so anything betweens jeans and a formal gown should be fine, okay?"

"Okay. So wearing the things I used to wear for you is all right?"

"That'd be perfect. See you then. Bye, Riley."

More than a few guys had said Riley reminded them of Calista Flockhart. That was a fair comparison because Riley really was very thin, but Colt thought she looked more like Heidi Klum. She obviously wasn't that beautiful, but he thought she was better looking than Calista Flockhart and although he personally didn't think Flockhart was all that hot, she wasn't exactly unattractive, either. All that mattered was what Colt liked and he preferred women who were somewhere between athletic to very thin. Some guys liked women who had lots of nice curves, some liked women who were um...chubby—after all, they were called 'chubby chasers' for a reason, and a few even preferred BBWs who were um...very overweight. As a confirmed Libertarian, Colt was all about freedom of choice. "To each their own," he thought to himself as he pulled into a parking spot in front of Riley's apartment building.

Just as went to knock on the door, it opened as if on cue. "Hi! I've been waiting for you. I've been peeking through the peep hole every few seconds for the last ten minutes. I guess I'm a little nervous. Or maybe a little excited. Or maybe both." She paused and said, "Maybe I should just stop talking, huh?"