Step by Step

Colt said, "That's up to you. As long as you're not yelling at me, then it's all good."

Riley feigned indignation and said, "Okay. I deserved that. But if I promise to be nice, will you be nice, too?"

Colt was impressed. Riley was wearing a very sexy, long-sleeved mint-green sweater with a scoop neck and surprisingly, a rather short black skirt and what looked to be at least 3" heels. "Wow! You look amazing, Riley."

"Thank you! I was really hoping you'd like it. I kind of assumed your tastes were still roughly the same so if this works for you and for where we're going, then I'm very happy!"

"Oh, it works. It most definitely works. You know, you still look really, really good to me, Riley." Colt took her hands in his and said, "Is it okay if I kiss you hello?"

"Yes," she said very softly. "It's okay to kiss me anytime." She paused as he moved closer then whispered in his ear, "Or anywhere."

Colt kissed her the way he used to when they were dating. Riley responded in kind as her tongue met his. "Mmmmm," she moaned. "That's so nice. I've missed this."

Colt told her he had, too. "Shall we?" he asked.

Riley grabbed her purse and cardigan sweater and took his hand as he led her out of the door. She made sure to lock it and they headed downstairs to his car.

During the ride across town, they talked about family and friends for the first fifteen minutes before Colt changed the subject. "Riley? I want to talk to you about tonight."

"Am I in trouble already?" she asked.

"Be serious, okay? This is really important to me."

"Then it's important to me, too. Go ahead, Colt."

"If you're doing this—having your first-ever drink—because you want to break the rules or 'take a walk on the wild side' then you'll end up regretting it. I can't tell you how or what to feel, but if that's your motivation, then it might be best if we avoid alcohol."

"I'm not sure what you mean. Isn't this taking a small, first step?"

"Yes and no. It's definitely a step but the reason you're taking it is what's important. If deep down, you still believe the Church is true, then you'll end up feeling guilty for all of this. At some point, you'll run back to the Bishop and confess whatever you've done, beg for forgiveness, and end up back where you started. But if you're doing this because it's a willing choice not involving something 'sinful' then I think it's a good idea."

"Sinful? I don't understand. I feel like the college freshman again. Can Professor Bradley help me understand?"

"Okay, when you make dinner, do you worry about drinking Kook Aid instead of water?"

"No, of course not. Why would I? Because of the sugar or something?"

Maybe Riley wasn't as far along as he'd thought. "Let me put it this way. Could you now serve wine with dinner as easily as Kook Aid and feel no difference about your choice or would you think you're doing something 'wrong'?"

Riley thought for a moment then said, "Now I understand. Unless I can go out tonight and have a drink of alcohol and not see it any differently than choosing a glass of water, then I'm not ready to drink alcohol because I'm still living in fear of the Church."

"Exactly!" Colt was relieved that she understood this important point. While it might be fun to get her drunk and fuck the shit out of her, he had a long-range goal in mind and getting her there needed to be done very carefully one step at a time.

"The answer is, 'I'm not 100% sure.' I honestly believe I'm ready to make this transition away from the Church but as you pointed out, I've only been questioning things for a very short while and until we talked, I didn't see the Church as being the crux of the problem."

"And yet it is, Riley. It's the belief you hold that the Mormon Church is 'true' that prevents you from throwing off the shackles and living life on your terms. Until you can that, you will always be tentative and fearful. So again, are you sure you want to do this? I won't mind at all if you tell me you're not ready."

"Colt? I honestly don't know. What I do know is I'm very unhappy with my life and I want that to change. So I do want to take this first step. If I later determine it was a mistake, then so be it. But I have this feeling that everything you've told me is right. It's a little bit scary to think there's no one 'up there' listening or watching over us but there are so many reasons to believe that's the case. Admitting it is takes a lot of courage."

She reached over and took Colt's hand. "If I'm going to take this journey, there's no one I'd rather take it with. That's something of which I really am 100% sure."

"I'll be beside you every um...step...of the way, Riley. Unless, of course, you start walking backward. Then I'll have to let go of your hand once and for all. That's something of which I'm 100% sure."

The bar was busy but not at all noisy. People were talking quietly and someone was playing piano music. Riley held Colt's hand as he took her to the bar and suggested where to sit. "Are you okay?" he asked as she sat her things in her lap.

"Surprisingly, I'm very okay. It's funny to think I'm 30 years old and have never once been in a bar before. But this is very nice. I like the piano music and I really like the guy I'm here with." Riled smiled and Colt leaned over and kissed her briefly.

"So what should I try?" she asked. "I have absolutely no idea what tastes good or for that matter the difference between beer or wine or hard liquor."

"I'm going to order you something sweet so you'll enjoy it. Most drinks don't taste good the first few times but there's nothing quite as nice as a good wine with dinner or a cold beer on a hot day."

The bartender came over and asked, "What can I get you folks tonight? It's ladies' night until 9pm so the young lady can have two for the price of one."

"I'll have a glass of red wine and the lady will have a coffee liqueur with Tia Maria and Kahlua."

"Two of those for you then, hon?" he asked her.

"Oh, I've never tried alcohol before. My boyfriend can...oops...sorry, Colt...he can decide for me."

"Make the other drink a Grasshopper, please."

Fifteen minutes later, the good-looking bartender sat their three drinks in front of them.

Colt suggested she save the Grasshopper and try the liqueur first. They raised their glasses as he said, "To small steps!"

"To small steps," Riley said as she took a small first sip. "Mmmm. That's not bad, Colt! This is actually very nice. Thank you!"

"It has some coffee in it so you're um...breaking two rules with one...drink."

Riley laughed and said, "I wondered what the mocha flavor was. It's kind of sweet but not too much so." She took another small sip and said, "It's actually delicious. This is very nice. I'm so glad you suggested it."

Over the next hour, Riley sipped her liqueur until it was gone then began working on the creme de menthe. "This is very nice, too! You know your booze, Colt!" she teased.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

"Very," she said. "The alcohol has a very pleasant effect. I can see why people enjoy drinking."

"Try a sip of wine and see if you like it," she suggested.

She took the glass, tipped it back, then made a bit of a face as she swallowed her first sip of wine. "Um, that's a little bit too strong for me. It's kind of bitter, too."

Colt smiled and told her that was a pretty typical reaction. They'd made more small talk until Riley finished her second drink. "I feel slightly tipsy," she confessed.

"Are you enjoying it?" Colt asked her.

"I am. Very much. But I'm enjoying doing this with you even more," she told him. "Colt—can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Anything," he told her.

"That last night at my house in Roanoke. You said something that's bothered me ever since."

"What's that?" he asked. "How about we dance while we talk? Would that be okay?"

"That sounds wonderful," she replied. She carried her things to an empty table near the small dance floor and set them down.

They held one another close as Colt said, "So what is it that's stayed with you all this time, Riley?"

"You said I wouldn't admit what I wanted most but that you'd gladly let me have it but the social mask I wear wouldn't let me do that. Admit it, that is. What did you mean by that?"

"Are you sure you want to get into this right now?" Colt asked as her brushed her pretty hair back and away from her face.

"I don't want you to hurt me, Colt. If it's going to hurt, then don't tell me. But if it's something you think I have to know then, well, yes...I want you to tell me."

She was staring up into his eyes. Her look was trusting and...needful.

"I would never intentionally hurt you again, Riley. What I'm going to say is my honest opinion. It's what I believe is true about you. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I've got this right. But first, I need to tell you something about myself, okay?"

"Of course. I want to know everything about you, Colt."

"You know how much I like it when you wear something like this, right?"

"Uh, huh. I do."

"And unless things have changed, you enjoy wearing what I like, right?"

Riley smiled and said, "Of course, I do. I like pretty sweaters myself so the fact that you like them, too, makes it easy."

Colt took a deep breath and said, "I don't just like them, Riley. I have an...I have this..."

"What is it, Colt? What do you have?"

He sighed then looked right at her as he said, "I have a...it's not just a preference. It's more of an...obsession. I'd say 'fetish' but that doesn't do it justice."

"That doesn't sound so awful. So you like pretty sweaters. Why is that such a big deal? If you liked silk blouses, would that be any different?"

"It's just that, well...it's gotten so bad I can't...I'm unable to...I can't have sex without them."

"Really? You need a woman to wear something like this to bed in order to um...function?

Colt had vowed never to feel guilty about anything again but this was so deeply personal that it was difficult to say out loud but it had to be said. Riley noticed and said, "Oh, Colt! Don't be embarrassed. Please. I'm not judging. I'm just trying to understand. That's all. It's different but it isn't...weird or anything. Is that all there is? Is that your big secret?" She was being very kind and not at all critical which made things easier for Colt.

"Yes and no. I mean, that's my big thing but it ties into what I think is um...your big thing."

Riley held him close and said quietly, "That's what I'm dying to find out from you. I honestly don't know what it is but I'm confident you do. So would you tell me what it is?"

Colt had forgotten how beautiful she was this close. "You are so incredibly beautiful," he told her.

Riley's eyes darted back and forth between his. She was...hungry. She...needed him. "Thank you for saying that. I haven't felt beautiful in a very long time but you make me feel that way."

Colt kissed her softly. "Riley? Have you ever asked yourself why you stayed stuck in what you called the movie that kept rewinding? Why you keep looking for some new guy so often?"

"If you'd asked me that last week I'd have told you I was looking for love."

"And now?" he asked her.

"I know that isn't love because..." her voice trailed off and she looked away from him.

"Because why, Riley? What's changed?"

She looked back up at him and said, "Because...this is what love feels like. And I haven't felt it since you walked out of my life, Colt."

He gently stroked one of her cheeks with this hand as he said, "Then you understand there's a deeper need inside you than just love?"

Riley was confused and said, "I'm not sure what you mean. What could be a deeper need than love?"

Colt held her close and said, "It isn't so much that it's a deeper need, it's that your need can only be met in a certain way. Just like mine."

"You mean you need me...her...to wear something like this even if you love her. Is that what you're saying?"

Colt nodded. "I need a woman who understands my need and who will love me unconditionally and give that to me gladly, willingly, and without reservation. And in your case, you need a man who will love you unconditionally while giving you what it is you need to feel loved and complete."

"Maybe it's the alcohol, Colt, but I honestly don't understand. About me, that is. I understand your need and I would so gladly give that to you. But what is it I need? That's the thing I don't understand."

"Are you sure, are you really sure, you're ready to hear this?"

"I'm sure. You've been right all along about everything, Colt. I trust you. So whatever it is you tell, I'll trust that you're right."

"Riley, there's a reason you can't be satisfied with any one man. I'm not saying you can't love only one man, I'm just saying you have a need no one man can fulfill. Not even the one man you'll love."

"Colt? I told you I'm not good at this kind of thing. So please...just say it. I promise I won't be upset."

"You need a loving husband who will let you have...other men."

Riley froze in place and said, "Colt? How can you say that? I'm hinting around all over the place that I'm in love with you and then you tell me you want me to...to be with other men? I'm sorry but I can't accept that. I made a mistake letting you go before and I'll do nearly anything to keep you this time but I only want you. Just you, Colt. I swear."

Her eyes now had a look of desperation in them. For the briefest of moments, Colt thought again maybe he'd misjudged. Maybe Riley could love only one man and maybe that one man could be him. But something deep inside knew he was wrong about that. He knew Riley was capable of loving one man, but he also knew she was incapable of being satisfied with only one man.

"I didn't tell you it would be easy to hear this, Riley. I only told you that it was something you needed to hear. And you also need to hear that I would be so willing to give you what I know you need because I also know you would love me—and only me—with all your heart."

"Then why in the world would I ever need anyone else? Please help me understand that, Colt? Can you?"

"At the risk of sounded like some kind of tribal sage, I can only reveal the truth to you, Riley. I can't make you accept it. You just need to examine the movie you've been starring in and look at each scene. Why do you need a new man every two years? Why isn't one guy enough? If you can break free of the moral restrictions on sexuality, if you can accept that words like 'adultery' and 'fornication' have no meaning between consenting adults, then you can let go and accept who you are without guilt. You can be..."

Riley stepped back and said, "I understand what you're saying now. You're telling me I'm a whore. You think I'm some kind of slut who can't control her wants and desires. I said I wouldn't get angry, but I think I want you to take me home now."

She turned and picked up her things and waited. They didn't speak all the way to the car or the rest of the way home.

"Can I walk you in?" Colt asked her.

"I don't think so. In fact, I'm not sure I want to see you again, Colt. I didn't think you had the ability to be so cruel and to hurt me so badly again but..."

She pushed open her door to get out when Colt reached over and grabbed her arm. "Riley? Before you go, please do me one favor. Please ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, I might actually be right. And if I am, I want you to know I meant what I said. I will let you have other lovers as long as you only love me because...because I'm so in love with...you."

She didn't respond or even turn around. She opened the door, swung her legs out, and stood up. "Good night, Colt," she said as she closed the door and headed toward her apartment.

Chapter 3

After the third day without hearing from Riley, Colt began to realize she wasn't going to be calling. He toyed around with the idea of showing up at her apartment or even going to the clinic where she worked, but he'd pushed as hard as he dared on his end. Riley was going to have to the pulling on her end for this to work and for that to happen, it meant she'd have to accept the truth. Colt wasn't sure she could. After all, dealing with one's own loss of faith was monumental for most people. Adding to it the stress of accepting another huge, major life change like this was really too much to handle at the same time.

Colt took satisfaction in knowing he'd been honest. He let Riley know how he felt about her. He shared his own embarrassing sexual needs with her. And most importantly, he told her what he still believed was the truth about herself. It wasn't his responsibility to make her accept it. He'd tried and he'd done so with integrity so there was nothing more he could do.

On the drive home Friday evening, Colt decided it was time to move on. He wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but he couldn't sit around waiting for Riley. He had to admit he'd definitely noticed the way the new girl in accounting dressed and the way she smiled at him. He guessed she was probably around 32 or so and since Colt like older women, that was just fine with him. He'd make it a point to ask her out next week as a kind of reluctant 'first step' of his own in a new direction.

Bradley couldn't remember the last time he'd had more than one beer but he was opening a third when the doorbell rang around 8pm. As he headed toward the door, he took a long drink and said out loud, "Shit. What is it now? If this our attorney coming to tell me about that guy who threatened to sue us over..."

He could see her lithe figure through the glass on the side of the door. His heart stopped at the same time he did. He sat the beer on a sideboard near the door. He punched in the alarm code and opened it tentatively. "Riley. Hi. I didn't expect to see you again. Um, do you want to come in?"

"Yes, thank you," she said as she stepped in.

"May I take your coat?" he asked.

"No, thank you. I don't expect to be here long. I just needed to ask you something. I apologize for coming so late and without calling. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all. Come on in. Can I get you anything?" he offered.

"No thank you," she said again.

"Please, have a seat, Riley."

"This won't take long, Colt. I just needed to make sure I understood something. I don't want to offend you, but this has been bothering me terribly so I need to ask."

"Okay, go ahead. And I promise you won't offend me."

"Why do you think I'm a...a whore? What have I ever done to make you think that way about me? I know I've been married...more than once...but why does that make me a whore? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel, Colt? I thought I was falling in love with you again and then you...you hurt me so bad. I'm not a whore and I resent you saying I am."

Colt got up to go sit beside her when she put her hand up. "Please. Stay over there. I don't want you anywhere near me. I just need you to explain what I did to make you feel this way about me. And you smell like beer. That's disgusting," she said caustically.

Colt put his hands together between his legs then sat up straight and looked at Riley. "I'm not sure where to even begin," he said.

"Why don't you start with the truth?" she said bitterly.

Colt edged up toward the front of the sofa and said, "Riley, I never meant to hurt you."

"Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it?" she said interrupting him.

"I'm sorry. That was never my intention. Riley, I want to clear one thing up right now. I never said you were a...that word."

"Oh, okay. You didn't say the word so the fact you very strongly implied it makes it go away. Is that the way you think, Colt?"

Colt shook his head. "That's just wrong, Riley. I not only didn't say that, I didn't even imply it. You may have inferred it, but I did not say that nor have I ever so much as thought that. Ever. All I was saying was..."