The Catastrophic Swap

"Thanks." That simple "thanks" from Rose was as flat as they come and carried all the friendliness and warmth of the North Pole.

"On the other hand-"

"On the other foot," Rose said.

"What?"

"On the other foot that gonna kick your phony behind if you don't take your hand off my one and only."

"No need to be rude."

"Yep, come on, Adam."

"I..." Adam rose up on not so steady legs, "Yeah, I guess we should be going. Thanks for inviting us; great party; we really had fun and...", he shut up when he saw murder on his wife's face.

"Our pleasure," Liam said, "hope to see you soon. Both of you."

"Don't call us," Rose said, "we'll call... Actually, we won't. Cheers."

@@@@@@@@@@@

On entering the Toyota, Rose burst out laughing which made Adam sigh in relief. He was certain he was about to receive some serious thrashing.

"Brangelina, huh? Idiot!"

"Yeah, well, who could have guessed?"

"The most perfect couple in the neighborhood? Rich, beautiful, successful. Really? That's just so you'll know, that's exactly- It's a lesson, Adam. Not all that glitters is gold. The most perfect couple in the neighborhood, my ass. Jesus, what a pair of looney tunes."

"Hey, don't be so judgmental, babe. It works for them."

"I'm sure it does. Sickos!"

"Why Sickos? It doesn't look like he's aiming a gun at her head."

"And you, you spineless jellyfish, why did you just sit there like an idiot and let that whore rub your jinni?"

"I was in a state of shock."

"I'll give you a state of- come here." Rose tried to grab him but he blocked her.

"Let's just get home. Liam's going to take out the trash from the party, and he'll see us still parking here. He might figure we're reconsidering their offer." Adam said.

"Good thinking. Step on it."

Adam let out the air he was holding, it was a close call. Had Rose pulled him to her body she would have noticed the raging hard-on he was trying to calm down since Michelle touched his cock.

@@@@@@@@@@@

A week and a half later.

Adam had the house all to himself. Ben already slept and Rose went straight from work to have her hair styled. A rare event, so Adam invited Michelle Colman over. At first he thought he'd invite Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, and Beyonce too, but then he figured that the imaginary Michelle Colman would appreciate the exclusivity.

He tried all week not to think of her, which was like telling yourself not to think of pink elephants, except that pink elephants rarely give you a boner. Each time he thought of her hand, 'accidentally', brushing against his cock, he had a hard on. He opened his Facebook profile at least a hundred times and almost pressed the unfriend menu item. Almost.

What the hell am I playing at?

She asked to be his friend on Facebook, a week before the party, and Adam didn't think much of it then. She didn't unfriend him after the party, and she even poked him once, which he ignored after a long argument with himself. He knew that if Rose would get a sniff of Michelle on his Facebook, he would be in a deep pile of steamy poop, and still he couldn't.

What the hell am I playing at?

She had a pouting facial in her profile photo and it stared at him from his iPhone.

"Michelle, I've got to get you out of my system."

She only pouted her perfect lips back at him. Michelle was half Yemenite, half Persian and she took the best attributes from both sides.

"Michelle, please, I can't."

She could easily take on Rihanna in a sexy lips competition.

They entered the shower together and in no time Michelle Colman had her lips around Adam's cock. Luscious; her pout alone, enough to give you a king size boner. She licked the underside of his cock with the tip of her tongue, slowly, playfully. Then she gave the head a tiny kiss.

"I wanted you for so long." Her lips wrapped his shaft in a wet warm grip.

"Oh, Michelle."

She sucked and pulled her head backward, her lips parting with his cock with a sexy smack of lips. "I've wanted you for so long, Adam."

"Oh, Michelle."

She grabbed his balls and enveloped him again in her mouth.

"Michelle, baby, I'm on the verge; you better pull out."

She pulled back and lifted her perfect coal black eyes to him, like an innocent sexy doe.

"But I want to feel you cum inside my mouth."

"You're just amazing."

Someone banged on the shower-room's door. "Adam! Adam!"

He jumped two feet in the air and almost broke his ass bone when he landed.

"What?" He shouted to cover up his shaky voice.

"What?" Rose imitated his fake rage. "What do you think? I want to take a shower too, what are you playing in there? You want some of Bens' plastic ducklings?"

"I thought you had an appointment with the hairstylist."

"He cancelled; his boyfriend is ill or something. I wanna take a shower, what's taking you so long?"

"Just a second. Jesus, a man can't have a shower in this house?"

Rose opened the sliding door. She stood naked, except for a single sock. Her heavy chest happily jumping up and down as she laughed. "Are you like five? How much time? Can I join you? Wait, what the hell?"

"What?"

"Were you just playing with yourself?" she asked as she touched his throbbing erection.

"No."

"Aha. Next time better coordinate your testimony with Happy Willy here."

"Crap."

"Stand still, I'll grab my Galaxy and document the moment."

Adam turned his back to her. "You're mean, did you know that? I don't want you to be my wife anymore, ever. A bigger woman would have pretended not to notice."

"I can call Mrs. Avramson, she's a hundred pounds bigger, but I think you've been embarrassed enough for one day." She slapped his butt and grabbed his cock from behind. "Who was your fantasy shower partner?"

"You."

"The sun also goes down in the east and the earth is flat?"

"Rihanna."

She shook her head. "You always had something for chocolate skin, eh? Why the hell did you marry a Polish girl?"

"Because I love her?"

"That's the correct answer. Move aside, you, you masturbating juvenile. You can stay under my umbrella, elah, elah , elah. Rum pa pa pam, Rum pa pa pam, man down. Rum pa pa pam, Rum pa pa pam , he spanked the monkey all over town."

"You're way off key."

She slapped his butt hard, making him jump. "You're not allowed to fantasize about anyone but me."

"Alright, alright already. Let me die from embarrassment in peace, woman."

"Can you postpone dying for ten minutes? It's a shame to waste such a nice boner. Now make room, you idiot. Thirty two and wanking in the shower, Jesus."

"All men do that."

"Remind me to never take a shower in a house with men living in it. What's that beep?"

"Beep?"

"Sounds like your annoying iPhone when its battery is about to die."

Adam tensed. "I must have forgotten it on the ceramics. Stupid of me, I'll put it on the bed so it won't get wet."

"As if we don't have enough unnecessary expenses."

Adam tried to push her out of the way but she pushed him back. "Don't touch it with your hands, you're all wet, you'll ruin it." He made another attempt but she grabbed the iPhone before he could take it.

"What's gotten into you, are you feeling okay?"

"Nothing's gotten into me, just throw it on the bed and come here already, you made me horny as hell."

"Hold on to that thought, mister," she smiled and went out of the bathroom. For a moment he thought he was in the clear but then he heard a soft gasp and Rose came back in. She held the iPhone screen up, pouting Michelle Colman smeared all over it. She looked at Michelle's picture, then at her husband boner which was shrinking fast, back at Michelle, and then back at him.

"Rose," he said in a quiet voice.

Her lower lip trembled.

"It's stupid really, it's not what you think."

A tear formed at the corner of one blue eye.

"Rose, just wait..."

She nodded and the drop fell down on the bathroom tiles then exploded into a multitude of tiny tears. She turned her back without uttering a word and slammed the bathroom door behind her.

@@@@@@@@@@

"Open up, Rose, let's talk."

"Go away!"

Adam tried to insert a key to the guestroom's keyhole, but Rose anticipated and pushed a key from the other side. "Go away, Adam, or I swear I'm calling to the police."

"And tell them what, exactly?"

"That you're a lying, cheating bag of shit. How could you do this to me? To us?" Her muffled sobs escaped through wooden door. "And with that fake plastic parts phony skank, of all people. And I told her to get her hands off you. Jesus, she must have been laughing so hard at that. How long have you two been fucking?"

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"You think I'm stupid?"

"You think I'm having an affair with Michelle Colman?"

"You do think I'm stupid. I hate you; I hate you so much right now!" She screamed. "I'm such a pathetic idiot." The sobbing continued.

"Rose, stop it! I've never cheated on you."

"You have her on Facebook!"

"I have 'Eric Clapton's Band' on Facebook, doesn't means I sleep with Eric Clapton's Band. We're friends for three weeks; she sent me a single message asking if we're coming to the party. That's it. No talks, no calls on my mobile from me to her or back. Does it look like we're in any sort of a relationship?"

"I caught you with your dick in your hand, masturbating over her picture!" Rose screamed

"I'm sorry."

"Great! You're sorry. How do you expect me to trust you ever again, Adam?"

"Can you please open the stupid door?"

"No, you don't get to be angry, mister." The key on the other side clicked and the door opened. Rose was wrapped in a sheet, ancient Greece style. Her eyes were red but she wasn't crying. Adam's words put a cork on the river.

"Can we sit down?"

"I'd rather we stand," she folded her arms on her chest. "I don't feel like being too near you right now."

"But I never cheated on you."

"I caught you masturbating over another woman. Over Michelle Colman's photo."

"Men masturbate." He tried to control his voice," ninety nine percent say they do, and one percent lie. Why when I said it's Rihanna, it was legit?"

"You stupid idiot." Rose hit him hard on his naked chest, her nails scratched blood. "Rihanna doesn't live fifteen minutes' walk from here, and I'm pretty certain she never offered to have sex with you."

"I'm sorry."

She threw her hands up. "You know what? Fuck that, I don't have the energy..." She started toward the door then changed her mind and turned. "Are you in love with her?"

"What? No. Of course not."

"So it's what? A juvenile infatuation?"

"I'm not even in-lust with her," Adam lied. "I thought about the concept, all, week and yeah, I won't lie, it... I think it's hot."

"Sleeping with Michelle?"

"Just swinging."

"Just swinging with Michelle."

"You're being childish."

"Mr. Mature." She snorted a bit too loud. "What else have you've been keeping from me?"

"Nothing. I just think it's hot; swinging, not Michelle Colman. It's a common male fantasy; so stop looking at me as if I'm some kind of pedo child molester."

"You want us to swing?"

"Maybe I do? So what?"

"Sure." She pulled some t-shirts from a closet and then stopped and turned. "Am I boring you in bed, Adam? Are you still attracted to me?"

"What? Of course not and of course I still am." He said a little too fast.

"That sounded sincere as Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

"Rose."

"What's going on, Adam?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth for a change?"

"Rose." He took a step towards her, but she took a step back, keeping the distance.

"Am I living in some kind of La La Land where everything in my marriage is peachy, Adam?"

"You think our marriage is peachy?"

"Up till today, I did. Alright, not peachy, but okay, certainly okay."

Adam took a deep breath, rubbed his face, and then decided to shut up.

"Well?"

He shrugged.

"I am living in my La La Land, am I? We're not okay, not by a long shot."

Adam kept his silence for two seconds, but her patronizing and irrationality finally got the better of him. "We certainly are okay," he said.

"But?"

He regretted the words as they came out, but words once they're out, you can't put them back inside. "We're okay, which is exactly the problem, we're okay, routinely okay. Liam was right. The sex..."

"What has that douche got to do with it?"

"We're down to once or twice a week, Rose. Almost always on Saturday morning, right before Ben wakes-up. Ten minutes of fun and we're done. Liam called it routine, and he's right. It's becoming like a house chore, one of your checks in the box to complete in your list of how married life should look like. It says having sex on your list, so we're having sex once a week."

That hit Rose harder than his lust for Michelle, mainly because she detected the truth in his voice. "That's the first time I have heard you complain."

"I'm not... I just thought we could add some fuel to the fire. You know, spice things up a little."

"By sleeping with other people."

"Well, not... I mean, yes, I have thought about it. It's just sex."

"Just?" She took a deep breath, "You're okay with me sleeping with another man?"

"That part of the fantasy sucks."

"Apparently not enough, because you would still go with it. When I saw Michelle rubbing you like a genie from a lamp I wanted to kill her in the slowest and most painful way man didn't imagine yet. How come you don't feel the same about me?"

"It's. Just. Sex." He said the words slowly, emphasizing each word and rolling his eyes. It made Rose's hand itch; she wanted to slap him again. "Besides, I read that this kind of jealousy is good for marriage."

"Wow! Let's call Liam and Michelle right now."

"You know what Rose? Do whatever you want. You caught me masturbating in the shower, that's it, and you've turned into this out of proportions drama. I never said we must swing, I only said we could, but we're obviously not on the same page."

"We're not reading the same fucking book!" She raised her voice again and her tears erupted.

"Then we won't swing, and I'm cool with that. This, this ... whole thing is blown out of proportions. I can't fight anymore, I don't want to. When you feel like having an adult conversation, we can have one. I'm done with this stupid fight."

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Truth of arms was unofficially declared that night, due to exhaustion. Adam slept on the living-room's couch. He deleted Michelle from his Facebook account and did his best not run into her when he picked up Ben from the kindergarten. Rose didn't trust his denial completely. He had a history of flirting and twisting truth to his benefit; a source to most of their big fights. She checked the phone records and being a techie, knowing he isn't, searched his desktop for anything suspicious. When all her inquiries came out empty, and after the initial shock sank; she had a long talk with herself.

On Wednesday night she called him to pick up Ben as she'll be late. When she came home Adam was already in bed, watching something on his iPhone. Rose kissed his cheek on her way to the bathroom. She spent twenty minutes inside, and then came out with a bang.

"Ta Da."

"Where? Who? What? Who might you be Mrs.?"

"I better be your wife, or you're in deep trouble." She circled the bed and herself like a ballerina. She wore a lacy black bra that snuggled and caused her massive twins to rise like they did before she used them as milk containers. A silk black cord encircled her waist and stretched from her naval between her legs. Other than that she wore a cat mask and nothing else. "What do you think?"

"I'm stunned. I'm... Where is the 'Like' button, I wanna press. Where the hell did you get that... that... what is this exactly?"

"It's called a cat-woman. It's from Digidigi - toys."

"Nice."

"I bought ton of other stuff, too. I'm bringing adventure back to our bedroom."

"Big Like."

She jumped on the bed and pulled the blanket off his body. Next she sat herself on his stomach, getting a big whoof from Adam. She tickled his ass, and cupped his cock. "What the hell? Why are you so wet?"

"Well..."

"You've been playing with yourself!"

"Fuck. Not again."

"Here's an idea. Stop masturbating like a gibbon and save yourself the embarrassment, doh. What were you watching on your iPhone? Porn?"

He nodded.

"Okay, I'll stop being a total prune, today is a day for new experiences, baby. Porn is your thing; so it's my thing from now on."

"You're serious? "

"Rosie van serious had left the building." She jumped up and down on his stomach and smiled to show him she wasn't annoyed, despite the fact that she was slightly pissed. She was not going to ruin it by being her usual self. "Sexy cat-woman is here in her place, all juiced up for perverted action."

"Let's rent a movie on the VOD."

"Why pay when we can surf to your favorite site?" She picked up his iPhone.

"On this tiny screen?"

"Watch and learn, baby." She rummaged the drawer near her bed, pulled up a memory card and dumped it.

"Let's just rent a movie.

"Have some faith, baby. This cat woman rocks when it comes to AV-adapters."

"I didn't know you could wire the iPhone into the TV."

"You put the adapter in; and the HDMI out, you take the remote and then you shake it all about." She jumped up and down on his stomach again, earning a half a cough, half laughter from Adam. "You do the hokey cokey, and you press this lil button. And that's what it's all - woa. What's he doing?" She pointed at their bedroom TV screen that was now streaming the last movie on Adam's iPhone. "He's rimming her."

"Why not?"

"You always said that real men don't do it. You only want me to do you, but look how enthused he is. Hmmm... Interesting."

"It's just porn."

"Terrible blowjob, she's got no technique, Adam. She looks bored."

"Yeah she sucks."

"No, she doesn't, which is one thing she's missing. And surprise, surprise, he's returning the favor with just the same zeal. You said real men never do that either."

"He's gay," Adam sniffed. "Real men never go south."

"I'm no expert, but he looks very hetero to me." She slipped off her husband's stomach. "Do you find this hot? Really?"

"Ah, yeah."

"Why? I mean, nothing she does, so far, that I don't and with ten times the skill. And I'm a hundred times more vocal than her. You should film us and watch it."

"I'll get the camera."

"Hold on to your butt, Mr. Spielberg, lets' just watch for now. Well hello there." She said as another naked actor with a coast to coast erection, appeared on the screen. "Who are you? Oh, you're the gynecologist. He's the gynecologist, Adam. My gynecologist makes me do that. Oh. Nope. But not that. Nope. I know porn isn't exactly filmed in Universal studios, but you got to admit this video looks like it was filmed on someone's smartphone."

"Yeah, it's-"

"Oh wait, this site is called Amateurs Homemade. What are we doing looking at amateurs? Let's find the professionals. What's this movie called, anyway?" She touched with her finger on screen and the headline appeared. "Me and my wife, swinging party March 2010. Okay, I don't like that movie." She gave him a look that made Adam wish he could disappear inside the mattresses. "Let's look for something else in your browsing history. Me and my wife, swinging party February 2010. Nope, let's roll back, me and my wife, swinging, Sylvester party; tight schedule these two have."

"Yeah." He tried to take the iPhone but she took it out of reach.

"'In the swinger club.' No. 'Big swinger Orgy. Nope. First time a swinger. Next." Her hand was shaking slightly on the screen. "'How to convince your wife slash girlfriend to become a swinger. Really Adam? Let's check out places you surfed yesterday. 'The swingers' paradise site. Czech swingers. Swapping partners. German older swingers. Hot couple swing into a horny orgy. How I tricked my wife into swinging with my best friend. There is delicate line that connects all these videos, but I can't quite put my finger on it."