The Catastrophic Swap

"Oh."

"Now let's go home."

"What?"

Rose felt the slim hope she was kindling going up in smoke. "I wanna go home, Adam."

"We can't do that!"

"I don't want to do this."

"Now? You wanna bailout, now?"

"I know I said I would, but I can't, I... I just can't."

"What on earth am I supposed to say to the Colmans?"

"Tell them I'm sorry... No! Tell them I'm not feeling too well, I puked in the gas station, you know."

"Rose, get a grip. It's too late for that." He forced her hands off his torso and she felt her heart break.

"Adam, please."

"Rose, I never thought I'd say this, but you're being a jerk." He left her standing in the grass.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Liam was in the kitchen, whistling the Andante from symphony no. 5 again.

"Can you be a little quiet?" Rose asked.

"They already left."

"What?"

"Nothing to hear," Liam said.

"What?"

"I saw Adam and Michelle leave the cabin five minutes ago."

Rose finally lifted her ear from the wall that they shared with Adam and Michelle's cabin. "Went? Where?"

"I have no idea; they took the car."

"Crap." She finally sat down on the bed, defeated. Adam won; his lust and selfishness proved stronger than the connection she thought they shared.

Son of a bitch.

With resignation of defeat, her numbness was gone and new flower blossomed. Anger.

"Son of a bitch."

"Huh?"

"Liam, come here."

"Just a sec."

"No! Right now!"

He came into the room balancing two big mugs of coffee and some scones on a tray. She thought he'd be smug, but he looked genuinely worried. "Here," he placed the tray on the bed. "You didn't drink yours at the Elvis diner."

"I don't want coffee, let's have sex right now."

"Nope."

She pulled down the strap of her swimsuit, and one heavy breast popped out of its cage. "I can be slutty too, see?"

"No you're not. Put it back on, drink the coffee."

"Don't you want to have sex?"

"Of course I do. Great tits, by the way." Liam, gently, pulled her strap back on. "But not with someone who is not attracted to me and certainly not with someone who is trying to have a revenge fuck."

"I am attracted to you."

"Look, I have limited reading people skill, but I didn't need Dr. Phil to help me read your body language at the diner. It's okay, Rose, I'm cool with that. I came here knowing there is a 90 percent chance that I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. I figured this whole thing is just for Adam's sake."

"So why did you vote yes on this farce in the first place?"

"For the ten percent chance that I'm wrong. You're a knockout."

"Thanks."

He sat down on the bed beside her, keeping a respectable distance, and offered her the cup. "Welcome. Now drink the coffee, and take a hot shower. I know it looks like the end of the world right now. But it's not."

"How could he?"

"My perspective as a man. We don't not enough blood to operate the brain and the joystick at the same time."

"I hate him."

"This too shall pass." He said in a very Morgan Freeman like way. It seemed appropriate, because he had Morgan Freeman's deep voice. "You'll endure, you're a strong woman."

"How can you be so fucking calm?"

"I'm confident, that's why. You're insecure, that's why you're not."

"Of course I'm insecure. My husband just left with Tyra Banks look alike to god knows where."

Liam sighed then took a bite on a scone.

"Well?"

"I'm thinking, love, it's a slow process for me." He took a sip from his mug. "You're jealous because you're insecure. You're insecure because you've put Michelle on some unrealistic high pedestal. As if Adam is going to divorce you and marry her once he sleeps with her. You know, I've been around, she's not that hot in the sack, quite the opposite."

"Really?"

"And you've got what? Ma, a Bsc?"

"A master's degree in quantum-physics."

"Wow. Really? Michelle didn't graduate high school."

"I'm only a high school teacher."

"Michelle managed a flower shop which I bought her. She dragged a successful business, to bankruptcy in six months."

Rose laughed.

"Yeah, I didn't laugh back then. Almost took me down with her. She's a terrible mom. Our biggest son, Ron, don't speak with her. She can't cook if her life depended on it."

"I can cook."

"See?"

"I'll trade it all for her looks, in a flash."

"Shallow much?"

Rose laughed again. It felt good.

"And you'll be an idiot. I think you're ten times hotter."

"Yeah, right."

"Believe what you want, dear. You're younger, smarter, real blond knockout, carrying original parts from the box, no fakesies. She's older, not the sharpest pencil, school dropout, and as far as fake parts go, well-. What is there to be jealous about?"

"Stop belittling her."

Liam shrugged.

"That's your wife, your one and only true love."

"Except that she isn't."

"What?"

"I meant, she is my wife. She just aint the other thing."

"Now you're just being a douche."

"I'm being honest." He didn't look like a douche, he looked sad.

"What do you mean?"

"It means what it means."

"Liam?"

"Drink that coffee, take a shower. I'll be in the kitchen; making us some late breakfast early lunch- something, okay?"

"Wait, mister, you can't drop a bomb like that and just leave me hanging."

"It's private."

"Said the man who wanted to sleep with me."

"Take that shower, Rose, you'll feel much better."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Several hours of knowing Michelle Colman, and not in the biblical sense, yielded, to Adam, nothing but frustration and a severe case of blue balls. She was the grand master of tease.

"Honey, can you come over here and zip me?"

"Sure." He entered the fitting room and pulled on the zipper. It proved to be stubborn mother, so he pulled hard.

"Careful."

"Sorry."

"Anxious, are we?"

"You caught me."

She laughed; a real happy laugh this time. He was learning to distinguish between her real and fake ones. "Don't worry, big boy, you'll score today. Just this dress and the blue one, then we're off."

After the Jacuzzi, Michelle suggested they'll take a stroll together. To get to know each other better, she said. Her idea of a stroll turned out to be driving down to Tiberius' shopping-mall, and strolling into every Women Fashion boutique.

"Needs some shortening, but I like it." She checked herself critically in the mirror. "You know, these mirrors, they distort your shape so you'll think you're Tyra Banks. Only when you get home to a proper mirror, you realize you look like Rosie O'Donnell."

"You'll look dead gorgeous wearing a sack."

"You think so?"

"Everyone does."

"Hmmm... How about you?"

"I'm with everyone, can we just-?"

"You're with everyone what?" She cut him in mid-sentence.

"Just like everyone, I think you'll look dead gorgeous; no matter what you're gonna put on."

"Really? You think so?"

She was starting to get on his nerves. "Cross my heart, can we go now?"

"What about your blond wife?"

"What about her?"

"Better looking than her?"

Adam didn't want to think about Rose. He left her crying, standing helpless in the grass. "Come on, she's my wife."

"So what? I won't tell on you."

"You are."

"I'm what?"

"Better looking than Rose."

"Much better?"

He wanted to say that Rose didn't need tenth the attention and constant ego patting. Maybe shut her up with something nasty like that Rose blond was natural and she didn't need to color yet. Then Michelle pouted her luscious lips. "Much better looking." He agreed.

"I like the blue one. Let's take it and get back to the cabin."

"Thank god." He mumbled.

She scratched her head and faked confusion. "Oops. I left my purse at the car. Shit, I think I forgot it in the cabin," she said.

"I noticed."

"Shit. Is it a terrible thing to ask if we can do a little trip to the cabin and back? I really like that dress."

"Or I can buy it for you."

"Really? No, I couldn't. I mean, it's too expansive. I mean... Wow. Adam, you're so sweet, you're amazing." She leaned and kissed his lips, her tongue darted inside his mouth, and that quick exchange traveled like lightening all the way to his cock.

He meant he would buy the dress now, and she'll write him a check or something when they'll get back. Now he felt trapped, double trapped when he saw the price tag. Rose would murder him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know how long it's been."

"Since you bought a dress?"

"No, silly. Since someone bought me a dress. Liam never does that anymore. That was special, and I'll never forget that." She kissed his cheek, leaning into him for a long time. He felt wetness where her face touched his, but he didn't know if the tears were real or fake.

@@@@@@@@@@

Rose did feel a lot better after taking a hot shower. What really made her ache subside were Liam's words about Michelle; he was spot on about her insecurity. She found him in the kitchen, attacking a cucumber, slicing it to tiny bits at the speed of sexual frustration. He was whistling the Andante from symphony no. 5, again.

"Do you know what's it called?"

"Green salad, I think."

"No, silly, the tune you keep whistling and humming all day long. It's actually a classical piece."

"Oh, really?" He scanned her up and down, his blue eyes a little cold. "Just some music that got stuck in my head. Classic you say. Wow."

"What? Did you download the ringtone by mistake?" Rose smiled. "It's actually-"

"About that thing I said earlier." Liam interrupted her, "I shouldn't have; that was cruel."

"About not loving your wife anymore?"

"I didn't say anymore, and I wanted you to feel better; so I did it at her expanse, that was nasty. I'm not like that."

"But it's true, right? I get it now. You're totally cool with her sleeping with other men. You don't lo... You just don't."

"It doesn't mean I hate her. We have three wonderful kids, a family, a house, we're family."

"So how come?"

"Look, Rose, like I said; it's intimate stuff."

"You know intimate stuff about me."

"Like what?"

"Like- Like the fact that Adam and I are swingers."

He laughed, he had a good laugh. Throaty. Rose felt better because of it. "No you're not swingers."

"When did it happen, I mean this ... When did you stop loving?"

"You don't take no for an answer, do you? Okay. I guess it's fair. But first I want you to try the salad."

"Take a shower, eat your salad. Do I have to, mom?"

"If you don't eat your meat, how can you have any pudding?"

"Roger Waters, I presume, jeez." She gave it a halfhearted go, then her eyes lit. "Nice. The spearmint is an excellent touch."

"Kurdish recipe, I'm half Kurdish."

"Go team Kurdistan." She dug in and took a spoonful. "See, I'm eating it," she said with her mouth full. "Now it's your turn."

"When did we stop loving? I'm not sure we ever started. "

"What? Bullshit?"

"Why?"

"Like when you proposed, weren't you in-love even a little bit?"

"I was, a lot, just not with Michelle."

Rose's lips formed a big O and the spoon froze mid-way on the landing strip to her mouth. She suddenly realized that she didn't think of Adam even once during the last fifteen minutes.

"Her name was Bathsheba. She was smart, funny, naturally beautiful, sincere, educated. Everything that Michelle wasn't and I thought a woman should be."

"Wow."

"She was also my older brother's girlfriend."

"Wow, twice."

"I was smitten. I remember I used to convince my brother to double date just so I could be near her. I couldn't stop thinking of her; I never felt like that before, or after."

"So? What happened?"

"Michelle got pregnant. She forgot," he made a quotation mark with his fingers, "to take the pill. I had to do the decent thing."

"You proposed?"

Liam nodded.

"Oh, Ouch, and Bathsheba?"

"Yeah, ouch. Funny thing happened." A shadow of pain crossed Liam's handsome features. "Our engagement announcement was the catalyst to my brother and Bathsheba's breakup. She realized that she's never going to get the same proposal from my idiot brother. They had a huge fight, and she left him."

"So you gave up the love of your life for marrying a girl you didn't love? That's a double crime. I mean, you did wrong to Michelle, and you did wrong to Bathsheba, but mostly you did a horrible thing to yourself."

"I wanted to cancel the wedding. I wanted to tell her how I felt."

"So?"

"I went to my dad for advice. He told me that if I'll hook up with Bathsheba I'm going to break my brother's heart. That I'll tear the family apart. I was a good kid, obedient, still am. He told me to stick with Michelle."

"Wow."

"I know, a fucked up story."

"A sad one more than anything. But what kept you all those years with Michelle?"

"Inertia, I guess. Three kids." He shrugged. "Michelle is the kind of wife people expect me to have. She fits the image. I guess I liked that enough to compensate for the love thing."

"So you stayed with her because what other people think?"

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're so much better than me."

"I didn't."

He sighed. "That's human nature for you, Rose. People compromise. "

"Not on the person they're gonna spend their life with, they don't."

"Really? What kept you with Adam all these years?"

Rose dropped the spoon.

"Sorry, sorry, that was out of line. I lashed. Shit." He tried to wipe the tear that welled up in her eye, but Rose pulled herself back. "Forget that. Okay? Wanna watch a movie? We got the entire weekend ahead of us, and I'm fresh out of sad stories."

"What movie?"

Liam pulled out a laptop from his suitcase. "I've got here two tons of downloaded shit; we can connect it to the TV. Your husband may have hinted that you are a bit of a nerd. I've got every episode of star-wars. Lord of the Rings, plus the new crappy films. But I got more exquisite stuff, 'Blade Runner' the original, '2001', 'Alien', 'Clockwork Orange' 'Close Encounters' if it's a classic then it's here." He patted the laptop.

"What? You downloaded all that stuff just for me?"

"Why do you think everything revolves around you?"

"Then why on earth would you have '2001 Space Odyssey' on your laptop?"

"Maybe I'm a nerd too? Or that possibility never occurred to you."

"Get real."

"You get real."

"You're a Shayetet -13. You're that hot surfer; the one who gets the girls all dreamy eyed and crap like that."

"So?"

"So you can't be a nerd." She laughed.

"But I am, and you're prejudiced as hell, Mrs. Rose Alexander."

"Am not."

"Am too. Just because I'm a dumb Jock who sells cars for a living, so if I'm humming Prokofiev's symphony no. 5, then I probably learned it from a ringtone. Not prejudiced, my ass."

"Oh, crap."

"The tune you keep whistling and humming. It's actually a classical piece." He said, repeating her own words and imitating her voice. "No shit! Twelve years of piano lessons, playing at the Tel-Aviv conservatorium. I bet I forgot more classical music than you ever learned."

"Oh, double crap."

"Exactly. Now finish the salad and pick a movie."

@@@@@@@@@@@

The sun reached its apex in the middle of the sky, and Adam's lust reached a boiling point. Michelle indeed went out of the boutique after he bought her that evening dress, but she had to check into every other shop and every stall between the mall and the parking lot. To make things more frustrating, it was Friday, and the market in Tiberius was open. He had to buy her a blue bracelet that she simply had to try, was sooo adorable, and matched the blue evening dress. Then she buttered him into buying a silver necklace that just matched the bracelet so well. Adam said a silent prayer of thanks when she missed a jewelry shop and probably some diamond earrings that matched all three.

"This is totally awesome." They strolled hand in hand through the Tiberius' esplanade. "I feel like I'm a teenager again. It's so romantic. Who would have thought?" She kissed his cheek.

If Adam wanted romance he would have rented a movie. He grunted in frustration.

Michelle in a flowery yellow and red halter dress was blooming. She laughed a lot; none of that fake laugh that she used near her husband. Her iPhone constantly clicked as she took a selfie every minute and then uploaded the narcissus masterpiece to her Facebook. "Let's take a photo together under that arch." She pointed at an ancient Roman era arch, towering over a Bedouin selling donkey rides to young tourists.

"Why?"

"I want a souvenir, silly."

"I hope you're not planning to upload it."

"Are you nuts? Of course not; I'm a married woman. Just something for myself to remember. Now stand straight, eyes front, look at the pier, no, not like that. Try to look like you don't want to be somewhere else, sweetie."

"It's a bit awkward, Michelle, don't you think?"

"Can you?" She gave a heart melting smile to the donkey ride selling Bedouin, and offered him her iPhone. "If you're so tense, baby, then I have just the right cure." She grabbed the surprised Adam and pulled his head for a hot French kiss. The Bedouin cat called and pressed the smartphone's camera several times. He waited for the kiss to end, and then took some more pictures because the kiss lasted forever.

Michelle pulled Adam's body to hers. He felt her breasts pressing against his chest, her warmth and perfume engulfing him. Her arms circled his neck and didn't let go. His arms went around her body and cupped her butt in the halter dress. Her tongue explored his mouth boldly, and his tongue answered the dance with the same enthusiasm. He wanted to breath her in, to devour her. His cock was straining to escape his pants.

A white donkey shouted something in donkey language and the Bedouin sniggered as if it just told him a lewd joke. Michelle finally detached her lips but not her arms from around Adam's neck. "Is that a donkey in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"God."

Michelle grinded her pelvis against his.

"Woa, there." His cock was on fire.

She giggled and did it again.

"Hey you two, get a room. This is a respectable business." The Bedouin said.

"We already have a room." Michelle pulled Adam for another hot kiss that lasted a little longer from the previous.

"The car is near." He said out of breath.

Michelle simply pulled him again and kissed him deeply.

"Oh my god," Adam moaned when she pulled back. "Come on, Michelle, people are watching."

The white donkey decided at that point to mount the black one tied next to it. Maybe out of envy, or maybe he wanted to show off, possibly it was just horny. The huge rod flexed in the air and disappeared completely inside the black donkey's sheath. Both animals gave a loud horn like bray to the sun. The Bedouin cursed in Arabic.

"I think they are in love," Michelle said. "Are you relaxed yet, sweetie?"

"Are you for real? I'm like Mount Vesuvius just before it buried Pompeii."

"Mount who?"

"I'm about to explode."

"Oh," She hooked one leg around his and grinded her pelvis mercilessly against his. He started to protest but she shut him up with a passionate French kiss.

Adam exploded in his pants.

@@@@@@@@@@@

"The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping." The words of interrogator on the flat TV screen echoed ominously. They sounded alien inside the sunny cabin on early noon.

"What do you mean I'm not helping?" Rose said.

"What do you mean I'm not helping?" Leon the android said.