The Diary

John lifted her chin bringing her eyes back to his. "That's not true, Heather. You've been an amazing friend and great neighbor. And you are a phenomenal fuck." He reached down and rubbed her soaked pussy. "You've got a sweet little cunt. I'm just not looking for a relationship. If you want to think of it like you got me back in the game, then I guess you might say that you didn't know what game I was playing. This part of me..." He pointed back at the table with all his toys. "...has been a part of my life since I was nineteen years old. And this part of me... the darker side... my inner beast, if you want to call it that... it wants back out. And it's time to uncage it."

"Nineteen?" She asked rhetorically. It seemed so young to start such a deviant lifestyle.

"You're going to get up and go home. And I need you to really think about what you want. I'm still your friend. And it can be like it's always been. I doesn't have to be awkward. But if you want more from me then it comes with this. It's conditional. No exceptions."

"I've always wanted you." She said softly, almost too softly to hear.

"That was before you knew me." He said matter-of-factly. "I'll talk you when you're ready... when you're certain. There's no rush, Heather. Think carefully." He paused for a moment and then added. "And wear the ropes home. If you can't figure out how to untie the harness you can always cut it off. Use a scissors, not a knife. Don't cut yourself. Just don't leave it on for more than another two hours, you need to be mindful of your circulation. And then massage your breasts afterward."

******

Callie waited in her dad's room for an hour after Ms. Mills left but he never came back upstairs. She wanted to continue where she left off. She wanted lick his soft sack and suck on his balls so he'd understand that she meant what she said, that she'd be a good girl for him, the best girl.

Part of her took pleasure in the way he sent Ms. Mills away. He never fucked her. And it sounded like he was dismissing the idea of "them" altogether. That made her happy. She wondered why he did it. Trying to understand him was like trying to get to know an entirely new person.

She finally went back to her room and shut the door and pulled out her mom's journal and continued reading. It seemed like it was the only way she'd ever understand what was happening here—the strange way her mom's relationship with her father had begun to mirror hers.

******

Dear Diary, Was this our first fight? Maybe it was just a disagreement. It's funny but of all the things that you'd think would cause your first major disagreement, I never thought this would be ours. John doesn't understand why I want it. And I understand his hesitancy. I really do. This is important to me. It's important to me because deep down it's important to him and he'd never admit it...

John typed on a laptop on my couch. He'd been working on some financial forensic analysis for a massive merger that was going to have ramifications for his company. I sat on my bed wishing he'd get frustrated and fuck me. So far I hadn't been lucky.

"I've been thinking..." I said finally as if the silence would drive me insane.

"Yeah? What about?" John replied without looking up from his screen.

"I want to be submissive." I stated. "I want to be trained."

Now that seemed to get his attention and he glanced up with a most curious expression.

"Don't be ridiculous. You don't really want that. You're just saying that because you think I want to hear it."

There's nothing I hate more in the world than being told what I think. "That is not true!" I argued sitting up. "I've thought about this a lot. A LOT! And I really want to do it."

"You aren't happy with our relationship?"

"That's not fair! Of course I'm happy with our relationship!" Now that statement annoyed me too. "It's been two months since you told me about your past and I've had you try some things because I'm curious... but... it makes me want to try more. I'm in love with you, John. I know you tell me that you don't need that part of your life anymore but I can see that you miss it. And it's not about me being unhappy. It's about me expanding my boundaries and being exposed to new things and wanting to commit to them. And it's about me embracing what makes you... well... you."

"Everything about you is the antithesis of submissive." He replied.

"Wow! Judgmental much? On the contrary, everything about me was the antithesis of submissive... and then I met you." I retorted. "I've done my own research. I've read all about the lifestyle. I didn't want to bother you with it... I didn't want you to think I was being foolish..."

"Probably because I think you're being foolish. You can't just read about it, Sarah." He replied again glancing back at his screen getting disinterested.

"Can't you see this is important to me?!" I cried out in frustration. "Can't you give me five minutes of your time for something that I need to talk to you about?"

Now John was the one that looked annoyed. He sat up straighter and gave me a stare I hadn't seen from him before. It was cold.

"Fine. If this is important to you then I'll train you. Are you happy?" He snipped. "Your first lesson: Do your dishes and give me an hour of peace and quiet to work. Can you handle that?"

"God! You aren't listening!" I huffed. "I said I wanted to be trained. I didn't say I wanted to be trained by you."

The room went eerily silent as soon as the words escaped my mouth. John took his computer and set it on the small coffee table. I wanted his full attention and now I had it. And suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted it anymore.

"Alright." He said in such a calm tone that it made the hair on my arms stand up. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn't happy. "You got me. I'd like to know who you'd like to train you."

I opened my mouth to speak but the words didn't come out right away. It was like I'd gone hoarse and my throat was dry and I tried to swallow a few times just to say what I'd been wanting to say.

"Be..." I swallowed and then coughed and cleared my throat again. "Be... Becca..."

There I'd said it and I immediately felt like I made a mistake. It was one of the moments when you know you've touched a nerve and it can't be undone.

"Becca." He repeated it in disbelief, not like a question either as if he were unsure he heard me right. He just stated her name letting it linger in the room uncomfortably, like an audible toxin.

"Yeah... I... I want to meet her..." I admitted nervously.

"Why?" He asked, focusing on me even harder.

"Why?" I repeated the question as if the answer were obvious. "Because she obviously had a major impact on your life... and because I can't imagine my life without you in it... and it's not a jealousy thing, I promise." Part of me felt like I shouldn't have brought it up at all but it was too late now. "My parents love you. My daughter loves you. I'm in love you. And you are so good to me, John."

"Why do I feel like there's a 'but' coming?"

"But..." I said with tears welling up in my eyes. "You can't be perfect all the time. You can't hide your past. You never talk about your parents. You rarely talk about your childhood. Why won't you let me into that part of your life? And it's my decision if I want to be submissive. Stop trying to protect me from it. Mentor me. Guide me. Train me. Don't protect me. My words have as much meaning as anyone else's. Listen to them: I want to be trained. I want that life with you. And I'd like to learn from Becca because she made you who you are. And then I'd like to be yours forever."

John stood up and walked to the window looking out on 10^th. He kept his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth from the balls of his feet to his heels, staring out at the city.

"I can't allow it." He finally said before turning to face me. "I do love you, Sarah. I am happy with you. But you don't know what you're asking. You have no idea the situation you'd be putting yourself in. You'd be in over your head. You'd fail and then you'd feel inadequate. It'd be the end of us."

"You seem to know an awful lot about me today." I replied defiantly. "You should just live my life for me. You know what I think. You know what I'm capable of now too. You know what's good for me. But you're not listening to me, are you? If you loved me then you'd understand." I walked up to him feeling more confident. "I have a better idea." I said pressing my finger into his chest. "Maybe you should just go fuck yourself."

What happened next I hadn't expected. John grabbed my wrist as I poked into him. His grip was steel as he twisted my arm and spun me around pushing me up against the exposed brick wall of my apartment. My head was turned to the side and my right cheek scratched against the uneven grout as he pushed his left forearm against the back of my neck holding me in place, my back exposed to the room. I was terrified. My heart pounded. But I loved him. And this was a part of himself that he kept hidden somewhere deep. I wanted to see it.

"Yes, John." I hissed, taunting him. "Do it! Let it out. Show me. If you don't, I'll find Becca on my own... if I have to look up every Becca in the whole fucking city... and I'll make her show me."

I heard his derisive snort and felt his forearm pressing a little harder into my neck. Then I felt the sharp pinch when he yanked the back of dress, the spaghetti straps digging into my shoulders before they snapped and the dress fell to ground around my feet. He kicked the inside of my ankles spreading my legs.

"You have no idea what will happen to you in that place." His voice became low and raspy. "You can't imagine what she'll let happen to break your will. I should know. I fucked plenty of girls like you who wanted to submit because it sounded fun." His right hand slipped down over my ass and around to my pussy. He rubbed it teasingly. "Is that what you want? To let her ruin this pretty pussy? To test your pain threshold? To go in a woman and come out an obedient, little fuck toy?"

I'd never heard him speak this way. Not in this tone. It was cold, almost menacing. But I was certain he was just trying to scare me.

"Yes." I stated defiantly.

His hand disappeared from my pussy. I heard the metal clacking of his belt buckle as he slid it off his pants. Was he going to whip me with it? I was dizzy with panic.

"If you go there. I'll go with you. You know that, right?"

"Good. I want you to see me submit."

"It's not what I'll see you do that worries me." He replied. "It's what you'll see me do. You won't like the person I am in that place. To Becca, I'm a Dominant. If I go to her place she'll expect me to be that. But I won't allow you to be trained without being there."

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I tried to think what he might be asked to do. Or maybe it's what he'd want to do. What if he fucked another woman? Would I be okay with that? And what did he mean he wouldn't allow it? For the first time he made me feel like one of his things, a possession that he coveted.

"I can handle it." I replied, even though I was entirely unsure.

The first crack of the belt connected across my ass catching me completely off guard. It stung like nothing I'd felt before. It was brutal and accurately placed across both cheeks. I didn't scream but I grunted and my fingers dug at the brick.

"That's your only warning. Stop this nonsense. Tell me you're done with it and we can go back to our relationship. No more talk of submission."

I couldn't help that my eyes were watering from the pain. A tear rolled down me cheek. John smiled when he saw it knowing he'd won.

"I won't." I said gathering everything inside me for whatever came next. I wouldn't let him win. I wanted this more than he could understand. "I want to be your submissive. And I want Becca to train me."

I'll never forget the look on his face in that moment. Maybe it was shock. Maybe it was surprise. All I know is that he definitely didn't expect my answer.

John peeled me off the wall and pushed me to the floor in the middle of the room. He adjusted my forearms so they were at right angles exactly shoulder width apart with my palms pressed into the ground. He spread my legs so my knees were shoulder width apart too and pressed my lower back toward the floor. My ass stuck up in the air. I felt like it had a bullseye on it.

"It would benefit you to remember this." He said crouching in front of me. His eyes were searching for something in me, some sort of fissure that he could exploit, but I was stoic. "Don't you dare move... unless it's to tell me that you're done with submission for good."

I should have just stayed quiet. But foolish me had to speak up. It was like I was really seeing him now. I finally got to meet the other half of the man I loved and he had a dark place inside him that demanded to be sated.

I looked him right in the eyes and, with all seriousness and sincerity, I said, "Do it. Don't go easy on me. I need this. I need you to have this." They were words I would shortly regret.

John never replied. The next thing I heard was the whirring of the belt in the air before it cracked my skin. I tightened my lips and tried not to make a sound. He didn't pause. The second one came down in a different place, low across my ass almost at my upper thighs, and painfully close to my pussy. I gasped and bit my lip as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. I wondered how many he'd make me endure. Five blows? Ten? Twenty?

When I counted past thirty I realized his intention was to make me relent and give up. They'd all stung as badly as the first and my skin felt like fire from the top of my ass all the way down the back of my thighs. At forty, I considered quitting. My nose ran freely and I sobbed lightly trying to hold it in, but it was no use, the pain was extraordinary.

"I..." John started to say something.

"Don't bother." I sobbed, cutting him off. "I don't care what you say. I'll never say stop. You'll either get tired or bored or I'll collapse. That's the only way this ends."

And that was it. He landed one last blow for good measure and ended my tribulation at number forty-five.

"Come here." He said taking a seat on the bed and holding out his arms.

I think I nearly ran to him and welcomed his embrace. I honestly didn't think I'd make it through his punishment. But after that, being in his arms, I'd never felt closer to him. He welcomed me so lovingly. It may have been the single most life changing moment of our relationship—those ten minutes alone together in total silence.

"I'm sorry for not listening." He finally said.

"I'm stronger than you think."

"Maybe you are."

John kissed the back of my neck. His breath on my skin felt so comforting. The rise and fall of his chest as I leaned back into him matched mine, almost as if we were one person breathing together.

"Do you remember the night we met?" He asked softly.

"Of course I do." I replied softly. "The best night of my life."

"I mentioned my grandma..."

"Sarah, right?"

"Yeah." John said quietly. "The kindest woman in the world. She raised me on her own."

I thought I might break down in tears right then. I pulled his arm tighter around me as if I was trying to meld us together forever.

"I bet she's wonderful."

"I didn't know my dad. And my mom..." He paused, remembering. "...she had problems. Severe bi-polar and whatnot."

"I love you, John. So very much."

After a few more minutes of silence, he spoke up again. "I really don't want you to do it, Sarah. I'm afraid for you... I'm afraid of what happens to us... of what you'll think of me... I'm happy now... without you knowing this part of me..." His hand reached down and gently caressed the belt marks on my skin.

I rolled over in the bed to face him. Every movement made my ass throb with pain. Then I put my forehead against his until we were nose to nose.

"I'm going to continually surprise you, John Anderson. You'll see."

******

Callie felt like her heart was pounding as much as her mother's must have when he threw her against that wall and ripped off her dress. Her mom sounded like the bravest, most devoted woman in the world. She thought her dad was lucky to have found her. But then she thought about the last so many years and considered that he knew how lucky he had been.

Callie considered all the things she was learning about him. He had this hidden side to him, and he kept it hidden because he thought it was ugly. But her mom didn't think it was ugly. She thought it was a beautiful piece of him and if you took it away you'd be stripping away part of his authenticity, like building a beautiful stone archway and leaving out the keystone causing its inevitable collapse.

She closed the diary again slipping it under her pillow and fell asleep thinking about him. She wondered how she would fare under the full force of his punishment. Time would tell, she hoped.

******

John was getting ready to go for a run through Jockey Hollow again. It was warm outside and his mind was troubled. He'd fallen asleep on the sofa in the basement, but it hadn't been restful. Too many thoughts swirled in his head. He laced up his sneakers and opened the front door.

"Oh, hey, Mr. A! I was just about to ring the doorbell."

"Jenny? What are you doing here? It's 8:30am."

"I know. But I was looking for my mom and thought she might be over here. You guys have been spending an awful lot of time together lately." Her inference was thinly veiled.

"She's not here." John said glancing at her tight halter top that showed off her cleavage.

Jenny saw him glancing down. "It's funny, right?" She grabbed the bottom of her tee and stretched it out so he could read the words.

The print read: IDAHO? NO. U-DA-HO.

"It's very... creative." John responded.

"It's my weekend shirt. School doesn't let me wear it. Same with my jean shorts. Apparently, they're supposed to cover your whole butt cheek. I don't see what the big deal is. Dress codes are so old-fashioned."

"Well you could argue they serve a purpose for keeping school a learning environment devoid of distraction. I think that's the point, right?"

"Is it? I never thought of it that way. Do you find my outfit distracting?" She did a little turn in front of him adding the slightest seductive sass as she struck a pose.

"I'm not sure that question is appropriate."

"Oh yeah. Cause you and my mom are banging now, right? If shit got serious then you'd be my stepdad and it would be weird like my stepdad totally wants to do me."

"Who said I was 'banging' your mom?"

"I dunno. I just figured. She was in a really good mood yesterday afternoon and last night. That only happens when she gets laid."

"That's a pretty big leap to make." John replied. Something about her presence felt very wrong, maybe even a little rehearsed. "And why are you here this morning? Is it because you're looking for your mom? Or did you want to flirt with me to make me feel uncomfortable? If you're uncomfortable with me hanging out with your mom, you can tell me. Haven't I always treated you like an adult?"

"What do you mean?" She asked innocently.

"Cut the shit, Jenny. I know you're a smart girl. Don't play dumb. Is this what you do to all the guys that your mom dates?" He asked incredulously. "You're graduating this year. You'll probably move out and start your own life. What will she have left? Why shouldn't she have a chance to be happy? She loves you. Maybe she's a little misguided at times but that's because you don't talk to each other anymore."

Jenny actually felt bad. Mr. Anderson had called her out from the get-go. That had never happened with the other guys in her mom's life. This was the problem she had when she found out they were spending time together. She liked him. He really didn't treat her like a little kid.