The Diary

"Hey neighbor!"

John turned around to see Heather Mills pull up in her car with the passenger window rolled down. "Hi, Heather. How are you?"

"Good. Thanks. Just getting back from the grocery store. There aren't enough hours in the day." She chirped. "I heard you're the star of the prom committee."

"Yeah. I wanted it to be really special. But Callie said she isn't going to prom now. And I'm stuck building an enchanted forest." He sighed.

"Uh oh. Boy trouble?"

"Jason Sanders or something. And he's spreading rumors about her now. It's her birthday today and she's hiding in her bedroom crying. I need the single dad's handbook on handling teen girl problems."

"Oh. It's Jason Saunders and he's an asshole. It's better if she's not involved with him." She stated disdainfully. "Callie is a good girl. She'll be fine. Let her cry it out and she'll forget all about him in no time. I've got to get my groceries inside. It's good to see you."

John paused for a moment and then made a tentative suggestion. "Do you want to join me for dinner? I was making a birthday meal for Callie, but she'll be hiding in her room for the rest of the night. It's just gonna go to waste. And I could use the company." He held up his glass. "Drinking is encouraged."

Heather laughed at the last comment. "Sure. I'd like that. Let me get this stuff in the fridge and I'll come over."

******

Callie sat on the floor with her legs crossed as she pressed the brass button on the latch and listened to the pop as it released. She lifted the lid back and stared with tears in her eyes at her mother's things. She lifted a worn sweatshirt and held it up to her nose smelling it. It smelled just like her. She pulled out a few shoe boxes. The first box was filled with photos of her mom when she was a kid. Callie laughed and sniffled as she rifled through them. She set them aside and continued pulling out clothes—a short denim skirt, a vintage Nirvana t-shirt, a thin cashmere v-neck sweater and more.

Callie set everything out on the floor. She opened the shoe boxes—Jimmy Choo, Prada, Manolo Blanhik. She could remember her parents going out to business dinners and events and her mom dressing up fancy. Callie always thought she looked like a princess. She found the jewelry box near the bottom of the trunk. She opened it and pulled out her mom's wedding and engagement rings. She lifted the diamond heart necklace and brushed her thumb along it. It brought back memories.

She reached back in the trunk and pulled out a copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass. She opened the front cover and saw the inscription on the inside.

Callie, I hope you can find some insights in this book. It was one of my favorites. Life is wonderful and filled with beauty. May you learn to enjoy it and live every day to its fullest.

Love, Mom

"The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse."

- Walt Whitman

The tears ran down Callie's cheeks as she read and reread the words. She flipped through pages of the book and startled slightly when two envelopes fell from within. She picked them up and looked at her mother's handwriting on the front of each-one addressed to her and the other to John. Her envelope was unsealed and she reached in and tugged out a handwritten letter.

Callie Hope Anderson,

I'm not sure what to write to you that will make up for all the things I'm going to miss. I'm sorry that I won't be there when you need me the most. I'm sorry that I can't see you grow up and become a beautiful woman. You have brought such joy to my life. I pray that you don't resent me or my illness. I pray that you don't resent your father after I'm gone. You added such richness to our lives and he loves you unconditionally.

Please don't put me on a pedestal. I'm not going to be there when you make mistakes and feel remorse. I don't want you to think that I would have been disappointed. I want you to know that I made a ton of mistakes. I've had so many days when I was too scared or embarrassed to get out of bed in the morning. Don't let those days suck the joy from your life. The world will still spin and life will go on. One day you will look back and laugh about it. Life is funny that way. Sometimes our most embarrassing moments become our favorite stories.

Have the courage to admit when you're wrong. Everyone in life makes bad decisions, and so few people can admit they made a misjudgment or a mistake. You may not always like being the better person, but others will respect you for it. Your integrity is something you can control and no one can take that away from you.

Always focus on the good in others. Your friends and family will be your greatest achievement. They will share in your joy and pain and give meaning to all you accomplish. I promise you will fight and bicker with even your best friends. Don't let little arguments ruin great friendships.

Be vulnerable. Nothing is scarier than sharing your hopes and dreams and fears with someone. You will have a handful of truly close people in your life. Let them know you.

Break the rules. Life can be serious and sometimes you need to feel free. Have a little fun. Be crazy. Just remember not to hurt anyone in the process.

Be open to love. You will have your heart broken. I want you to know that it will mend. Don't be afraid of getting hurt. Love with your whole heart. One day you will find someone that loves you back with their whole heart. It's the most precious feeling in the world. All of the heartbreaks leading up to that moment will feel inconsequential.

I've left you some things. Pictures of me from childhood so you can remember that I was young once too. My favorite book of poetry so you can learn to love the world through someone else's eyes. Shoes and purses and jewelry because you're a girl and girls love these things. I left my favorite perfume because you used to say it smelled like home. I left you my favorite lipstick and makeup because I'll never have the chance to buy those things for you. Remember that these are just things. They're disposable. Don't place too much importance on them. The most important thing I left you was all the love in my heart. Carry it with you always and take comfort in it.

Love,

Mom

Callie clutched the note to her chest and fell backward onto the carpet. The tears poured from her eyes, but she was laughing. It was the perfect gift for her birthday. It was the first time she thought about her mom where she wasn't overwhelmed with sadness. It was almost as good as having her there.

Callie thought about the prom and Jason Saunders and it really didn't bother her anymore. Jason Saunders wasn't going to ruin her prom. Neither was Kelly Costas. She wasn't even angry with them anymore. It wasn't worth the trouble.

******

Heather Mills leaned back in a patio chair sipping her wine. She was already a bit tipsy. John noticed that she had changed out of the clothes she had on in the car earlier. Her thick blonde hair hung down her back. Her blouse revealed her ample cleavage. She was relaxed and John appreciated how easy it was to talk with her. It was a rarity in the world of competitive parenting.

"I can't remember the last time I ate something so good." Heather proclaimed. "It was surprisingly gourmet."

"Wait... are you saying you assumed I couldn't cook?" John teased.

"Not like that. What was that again?"

"It's Callie's favorite. Pan seared pork chops with a cherry compote and lemon risotto."

"Really?" She joked. "Because that's what parents whip up for dinner?"

"She was just ten... well almost eleven I guess... when we moved out here from the city after Sarah passed." John leaned across the table and topped off Heather's wine glass. "Our life was turned upside down. New house. New people. No mom. I didn't have a job set up yet. And I couldn't even cook rice. Eggs and cereal was about the best I could do. So I signed myself up for cooking classes. You know the ones where they baby step you through the basics. I really liked it. Not just that I could connect with Callie through food, but it gave me something to take my mind off of Sarah. I kept going to the more advanced classes. It suited me."

"Do you still miss her?" Heather asked.

John took a long sip from his glass. "Sure I do. It doesn't hurt like it used to, but I'll always miss her."

Heather felt like she was being intrusive so she tried to change the subject. "I've lived across from you for what? Eight years? I don't think you've ever invited me over before."

"I've never cooked for anyone besides Callie." John replied. "Everything has been about her. I can't even believe she's eighteen now."

"But you've been out on dates before, right?"

"Nope."

"Never?" She was astounded by his admission.

"I guess I didn't want to be that guy that had a bunch of random women in his life. What kind of example is that for my daughter? I didn't want her to think I replaced her mom."

"Do you know what the women at school call you?" John shrugged liked he didn't know. "Hot dad. Mr. Mom. Most eligible father. Mr. Perfect. You're on the fucking prom committee, the PTA, the arts council, and every other committee. Even the married women salivate over you. It's like you're the sensitive, involved father who's good at everything. You have an amazing kid. You make a decent living for yourself judging by the house and car and everything. It doesn't make sense that you're single."

"Is that what you think of me?" John asked.

"I'm a realist. You watched me go through my divorce. It was messy as hell. God knows what you overheard coming out of our house. If you were interested in me you would've made a move."

"You didn't answer my question."

Heather blushed a little. "Do you have any idea how many dates I've been on in the last four years? I'm forty-two, John. The dating pool is bleak... even worse for single moms. I think you have no idea how perfect you seem to a woman in my situation." She paused for a moment. "Or how perfect I think you are despite my situation. You had the love of your life, John. That doesn't mean you can't love again. It doesn't mean you're replacing her."

John smiled. "I'm glad you came by tonight. I needed this. Maybe I do spend too much time cooped up by myself. I've forgotten what it's like to enjoy a meal with a beautiful woman."

******

Callie stood in the kitchen listening to their conversation through the door. It never really occurred to her how much her father sacrificed on her behalf. She thought back on the last few years and smiled. He really had been attentive and loving. Even tonight when he mentioned sex, he wasn't overbearing about it. Had he really be faithful to her mother all these years? It was both a beautiful gesture and a sad one.

She looked at the letter in her hand with his name written across it. How could she give it to him now? It didn't seem right disturbing their conversation with a memory of her mom. He must have forgotten it was in the trunk. She tiptoed back through the dining room and upstairs to her bedroom. She sat on the bed and reread the letter from her mom. It seemed strange that her dad hadn't mentioned it. Maybe he wanted her to be surprised when she found it in the book. Maybe he forgot it was in there. She wondered if it was possible that he didn't know it existed.

Callie fiddled with the one addressed to him. So many questions swirled around in her head. What were her final words to him? Did she give her dad the same kind of advice? Did she profess her love? Mostly she wanted to see the words, her mom's words in her mom's handwriting. Would it be a betrayal of privacy? The back of it was unsealed just like hers. Callie reached in and pulled out the folded paper.

John,

I've started writing this letter so many times. What do I write to the man I love that he doesn't already know? Should I say that I love you? Those words never seemed powerful enough for the feelings I have for you. You consume me. You make me whole. You are my sun. My life revolved around you and I basked in the love you had for me. I loved you with every fiber of my being. You know that already.

This letter isn't for my husband. This letter is for you, Sir. It's for the other part of you that opened me up and exposed me. It's for the part of you that patiently bent me to your will. You changed me and made me recognize a side of myself that I didn't know was there. You made me feel more alive than I ever felt in my life.

You always treated me well. You satisfied me like no one else. I loved how soft and caring you were with me. I loved the dominant side too. I spent entire days thinking of ways to anger you and stoke that need to punish me. I sat at home nervously anticipating your arrival and wondering what I might be forced to endure. The anticipation made me wet with need.

Sir, I could spend a lifetime describing how I loved submitting to you. I don't have much time left now. I'm sorry that I've left you so soon. I'm leaving you a special gift. The night we met I wrote about it in a diary. I'm not sure what compelled me. I think I knew that night that you would change my life. I've kept that diary and continued to add to it as often as possible. I wanted to document every thought and feeling that I had. It's our story through my eyes and I've left it for you. It's better than a letter. It's every hope and prayer and tear I shed in our beautiful life together. It's the story of us.

I've saved so many things that had importance to our life. When that pipe burst at our old condo in Hoboken and ruined your computer, I secretly took it to a guy that could recover the files on the hard drive. You should have seen the way he looked at me. You would have liked it. You always thought those things were lost forever. I kept them for you.

My one request is that you keep this trunk. I know how much you hate it. I want it to be a reminder of me. You always wanted to know where I got it. When I was six years old I saw it at a garage sale with my mom. I'm not sure why I liked it so much. It had a small lock on the front and I begged her to buy it for me so I could keep things inside and lock it up. It was my own private space. When I got home I discovered the false bottom inside and the hidden compartment underneath. I lost the key a long time ago, but this trunk has hidden my secrets since I was a child. You're the only one to know. I hope you enjoy my hidden treasure.

It is very important to me that you find someone new. I've never doubted your love for me, but you're young with a long life ahead. Please don't mourn me forever. I would never want you to deny your needs. You can't deny that part of yourself. I want to find another lucky girl to dominate and fuck... or maybe you should find more than one. You have my permission to be the naughty man I fell in love with. It's important to me. I'm going to miss that delicious cock. Let someone else enjoy it now.

Forever yours,

Your devoted slut wife

Callie sat on her bed with her mouth hanging open in shock. Who is this woman? It didn't make sense. She had a lot of memories of her mother, but none that helped make sense of this letter. And who was the man downstairs? Her father had been nothing but an attentive parent that took care of her. Was she to believe that he was some sexual deviant? She felt suddenly dizzy like the life she knew wasn't what she thought.

It occurred to her that her dad never knew about the letters. He had no idea what the trunk contained. She stared down at her mother's things strewn across the floor. Then she stood up and walked over and looked into the empty trunk. She placed her hand inside and then looked at the outside trying to judge how far her hand went down. There appeared to be a gap in the bottom. She pressed on the inside trying to find a way to open it. Her finger searched the edges looking for a loop or pull. As she pressed on the back edge, the front edge lifted just enough to get her fingernail underneath and remove the false bottom.

Callie looked shell shocked as she stared at the trove of items. She pulled out a stack of journals. Each was filled with page after page of handwritten entries. She reached back in and removed a thin padded bondage collar. Callie was filled with fascination. She pulled out a Hitachi plugin vibrator, a butt plug, a USB key and then a big fat dildo. Each item seemed stranger than the last. She found a pack of matches from The Bubble Lounge with a lewd message written on the inside. She didn't want to go through everything now. She placed it all back inside except for the first journal, the USB key and the vibrator. She capped the hidden compartment and then stuffed the rest of everything on top.

******

John set a second bottle of wine on the table outside. "But I thought Jenny was such a nice girl. She can't be that much trouble." He stated.

"Ha! That's funny. Jenny turned fifteen and I lost control of her. The divorce fucked her up pretty bad. At sixteen I put her on birth control just to be safe. She'd pretty much stopped talking to me and I was the enemy. One second you're a loving parent with a nice little girl and then you realize she's the spawn of the devil. It didn't help that she got my genes for these." Heather squeezed her enormous tits together. "They attract trouble."

"I had no idea. She's so pleasant when I see her out. She always waves and says hi to me."

"We barely talk anymore."

"Are you worried about her getting into drugs or worse?"

"I've got a handle on it now." Heather replied.

"How?"

"Is this going to stay between us?" She asked.

"Sure. It doesn't leave this table."

"I cloned her cell phone." Heather said with an amused smile. "Anything she does on that phone I can see."

"You didn't!"

"Desperate times, John. Technology sucks for parents. You gotta fight fire with fire. She also friended Nash Beaumant on Facebook."

"Who's that?"

"It's no one. I made him up and posted some pictures of a shirtless twenty year old with six pack abs. I mean she thinks Nash is in a band and goes to community college... but it was really just so I could get into her Facebook account. She has the privacy settings locked down."

"Really? That's the name you came up with? Nash Beaumant? What is this Days Of Our Lives?" John laughed. "You're horrible!"

Heather took another sip from her wine glass. It was going straight to her head. "Maybe. Or maybe I'm just a good parent in the digital age. I didn't even tell you about the keystroke software I loaded on her computer. I learned all the sneaky tricks."

"It's like the East German stasi in your house. Big brother is watching." John teased.

"Don't make fun. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. You're getting me drunk." Heather feigned helplessness. "I get loose lips."

"I'm just teasing you. It is getting late though. I'm a bit tired."

"Oh, okay. I didn't mean to overstay my welcome." She said standing up. "Thank you for the amazing meal. And the wine. I had a good time."

"So did I." John said as he walked her back toward the front door. "I'll turn on the walkway lights. Is that going to be good enough or should I walk you home?"

"Such a gentleman." Heather noted. "I'm okay. It's just across the street." She stepped toward the door and then quickly turned around. Her face close to his. "John? Would you like to do this again? I mean I'd like to do this again if you would." She felt nervous suggesting it. "We could call it a date next time."

"Maybe we should just call it dinner." John replied. "I'm not sure you want to get involved with me. I'm not as perfect as you think."