The Girl Of My Dreams

I smiled, inside and out. "Of course, Kate!" I didn't even have to think about it. For some reason I was thrilled to have a way to keep in contact with her. And felt even better when she reached over and gave my arm a little squeeze of thanks.

"You know, you're becoming my hero, Robbie. I don't know what would have happened to me without you. And it seems you have the solution for all my problems."

I felt myself flush just a little. "I was just in the right place at the right time. Or maybe it was the wrong place ... for both of us. And anyway, don't forget you helped me make it through the night as much as I helped you. Can you imagine having endure that alone? But I'm really glad it was you."

Silence. Then very softly, "Me too."

There was no doubt, we'd become friends, even though we still hardly knew each other. We had a good time on the trip home, chatting about things big and little, slowly learning a little more about each other. There was one thing in my mind that I tried to push aside, but it kept coming back. Finally I blurted it out, trying to be as casual as I could.

"Kate, don't you have a boyfriend or someone else close that helps you out sometimes? You sound like you're really on your own." And I was holding my breath, waiting for the answer.

This time, a long silence. And then a sigh. "Robbie, I did have a boyfriend for a little while when I was in college. Or at least a guy I dated. And we were kind of serious for a while." Another long pause, then she said softly, "I'm not a virgin."

At that I couldn't help glancing over at her. And I saw a very serious face looking back at me, perhaps trying to judge my reaction. I tried hard not to show anything visible. The fact is, I was amazed she told me that, but it didn't bother me. She wasn't a kid and that's more or less normal these days. Even though I'd managed to make it through college as a virgin. In fact, my Katie was the only woman I'd ever been with.

The silence was heavy for a moment, but then she went on, "But I'm a gymnast, I started in in junior high school. I guess they chose me because even then I was so tiny and thin. But I liked it and I got pretty good on the scholastic level. In fact, I got a scholarship to be on the gymnastics team in college. But I found out then that compared to some of the others I wasn't that outstanding. A lot of the girls were as good or better than me. I didn't even get to perform in a lot of the competitions."

"But I always traveled with the team, and we were away a lot, on the road. Plus, I was really serious about my courses. I've wanted to be in the field I'm in now since I can remember, and it takes a lot of work, it's very competitive. So that didn't leave much time for the boyfriend, and eventually he lost interest and found someone else more available."

"I was a little upset for a while, but it didn't really bother me long. I realized we didn't have any deep feelings for each other, and in some ways it was a relief. I had plenty to do to keep me busy and I didn't need the distraction. And I graduated third in my class and got into grad school. And because of that I have my job now, and I love it!"

When I looked over again I saw a big smile, and I had no doubt that was true. She had managed to get out something very personal, and I sensed she cared about my reaction.

And deep down I felt relief, knowing she wasn't attached.

She told me she had an older sister in New York that she talked to but didn't see very often. And her parents had retired when she got out of grad school and moved to Arizona. They'd helped with her education till then, but anything more she'd have to do by herself. So yes, she really was alone.

Again, I had a reaction I wasn't prepared for and really didn't understand. I was proud of her! She was obviously very smart, and was willing to work very hard to achieve her goals. In fact, I suspected she was way smarter than I am.

I told her what I could about myself, but there really wasn't much to tell. I'd done okay in college but nothing special. And I got into insurance because in Connecticut, that's what people do. But I worked in Information Technology ... computers, and really had no interest in insurance. And I was now a supervisor of a programming section.

Since she already knew about Katie I told her how we met. And how happy we'd been and how wonderful she was. Even that was more than I'd told anyone else, and I felt a little uneasy about that, but of course I said nothing about Katie's background, something I had sworn to her would never matter or be a part of our lives.

When I started talking about my wife I was afraid I'd lose it again and didn't intend to say much. But as I went on I realized I actually felt better, remembering how good it was between us, and it seemed important that Kate understand about that part of my life. I closed the subject by saying, "Those were the most wonderful years of my life, and even though it's painful now thinking about it I'd never give up a second of them."

This time, she didn't hesitate for a second. She grabbed my arm with both hands and pressed her cheek against my shoulder. "Oh Robbie, that's so incredibly sad! It's not fair that something so wonderful could be snatched away in a second by some idiot!" And I heard a sniff.

And when I glanced down she was looking up at me, her eyes full of tears.

"Thank you," I said softly. "But I know that I've already had more pleasure and happiness in my life than many people do in a whole lifetime. Now it's my job to treasure those memories and go on with living. I know it's what she wants me to do."

And suddenly I pulled the car to the right as fast as I could and slowed to a stop on the shoulder of the interstate. And then I lost it. Because I knew that what I'd just said was true. And even though I realized it on some level when her image spoke to me, it was only now that I fully understood that's what she meant. And I also knew, she was there with me, every second. I'd never be without her love and guidance. I could feel it then.

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, terrified that it would upset Kate, maybe make her think I was a weirdo. But I couldn't help it. And suddenly I felt her arm around my shoulders, holding me. And the other hand was on my arm, holding on as she pressed tightly against me. "I'm sorry!" I managed to blurt out.

"NO, NO!" she almost shouted. And I could tell from the sound of her voice that she was crying too. "I'm so glad you could share this with me Robbie! You need to let it out! Keeping it to yourself and holding it in has only made it worse. I'll listen to anything you need to say, and don't worry. I can only think better of you for it. After all, your marriage had two partners. And I know you made her life just as wonderful as she made yours! It's okay, baby. Really, it's okay!"

Her use of such a personal word touched me a little. The only other one that had ever called me that was my Katie. But I knew it wasn't a term of endearment but simply one of tenderness, as a woman might use with a child. And I knew she felt my loss and my need. And her hand gently massaging my shoulders only re-enforced the message.

I took a deep breath. "Kate, there's something else I'd like to tell you. I never thought I'd mention this to anyone and I hope it doesn't make you think I'm strange or still not recovered after my loss. But it completes the story, and I think you should know it." And I proceeded to tell her what happened to me when Katie died. About the hospital and the vision, and, especially how Katie spoke to me, just once. And saved my life!

I wasn't sure why but I was terrified! I was sure she would be put off, not wanting to have to deal with me. But when I looked at her she had tears in her eyes. "Oh Rob, that's so beautiful! Even if no else believes it I can see it's so real to you it just has to be true! And I believe it! Your love was so strong and deep that somehow she was still with you!"

With a big gasp I sat up and grabbed another napkin to wipe my eyes. But suddenly I realized I didn't feel sad any more, I felt almost refreshed, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And I even managed a tiny smile as I turned to look at her. And when I saw her tear-stained face manage a smile back I found another napkin and wiped it dry.

"Kate, I'm sorry you have to handle this, but I think you've done more for me today than I've possibly done for you." And the most wonderful thing happened. She pushed up out of her seat, put her arms around my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek.

We started out again in silence, but my mind was whirling. I felt a sense of euphoria and I wasn't sure why. But I was still little afraid that my overflowing emotions might have scared her away. Because now, I realized that she mattered to me. But her hand was still gripping my arm, reassuring.

We were close to home and we began to chat again. I made sure she still wanted a ride to work and we agreed on the time, easy because of her flexible hours. And when she gave me directions to her apartment I realized that we really only lived two miles apart. I carried her skis, which we'd stowed in my rooftop ski pod, in for her. I really didn't want to leave her, even though I knew I'd see her again before long. And I began to think she felt the same way, because she kept finding one more thing to mention and some items she wanted to show me. But we both needed a chance to shower and change. And we both needed to get some rest very badly, so the time came when I had to go.

How or why it happened I still don't know. Before I could turn to leave I looked down at her. And she looked up at me with a big smile, waiting. And we kissed. On the lips. A long, tender, gentle kiss of friendship. Perhaps more?

I didn't want to let her go, but when we finally forced our lips apart she still had a big smile, a shine in her eyes. "Go along now, Rob, I'll see you in the morning!"

From the time I left until I finally managed to fall asleep my mind was churning. I could not deny there was something between us. I felt it for sure, and I sensed it in everything she said and did. But how could I possibly care about someone else on any level so soon after I'd lost my dear Katie. I still had an open wound and I wasn't sure it could ever heal. But for the first time since that awful day there was just a tiny bit of joy in my heart.

I got there a few minutes early, but before I could even shut off the car she came running out, and as she bounced into the front seat I got a wonderful smile. Which probably matched my Cheshire Cat grin. The only problem with our ride to work was that even with the traffic jam, it wasn't long enough. And before she got out of the car she took my hand for just a moment and squeezed. I don't think she planned it. It happened.

And when I pulled up in the afternoon she was on the curb, waiting for me in the cold. She asked me to make a quick stop at a drug store for her, so she could pick up a prescription. And then I took the wrong route out of the city, knowing we'd get stuck in the traffic, thinking it would give me a little more time with her. I hoped she wouldn't notice, but when I looked over at her she giggled. And just reached over and touched my hand. But she didn't say a word.

It took a while to get up the courage, but I finally asked her, "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

Instantly, "Of course, Rob, I'd love to!" And the whole car glowed with her smile.

We didn't go anyplace fancy, just a little mom and pop Italian restaurant near my house. But the food there is exceptional and the atmosphere is dark and quiet. Candles on the tables. And when I asked if she'd like something to drink she thought perhaps a little wine. We let the waiter pick something out for us and he brought a house favorite. It was wonderful and we finished the bottle.

When I took her home we both had a mellow glow and she asked me in. There was just one dim lamp in the corner of the room, and when we sat on the couch it was behind us. And in the comfortable darkness I couldn't escape the feeling of familiarity. "Kate, do you know what this reminds me of?"

A long silence as she sat smiling up at me. "Of course. Our night together in the car. But thank god it's warm!" I felt her hand on mine. That was warm too. "But I'll never forget it Rob. I'm glad it happened." And she waited patiently until she felt my lips on hers.

After a few seconds I lifted my head, hoping she liked it as much as I did, and afraid I was pushing her too fast. But our lips were like magnets, and in seconds they met again. And as we turned towards each other our arms just slid into place. I was shaking. So was she. And yet I was amazed how calm I felt, it seemed so natural. And how wonderful her tiny sigh of pleasure sounded.

This time it was minutes before the kiss ended, and when she silently laid her head against my chest my arms just held her tight. We spent an hour on the couch, almost never speaking, our lips almost never far apart. It was like we were getting to know each other physically, our lips meeting and saying hello and her body carefully molding to mine. Even though we'd spent hours in the car, pressed against each other, this was totally different.

And somehow, it seemed, our psyches were kissing too, learning what each other felt and getting in tune. Only then did my tongue shyly slide along her lips, just once, before they parted just enough to allow the tip to enter. It was met by hers, barely touching. And we shuddered, then moaned softly, in unison. It was the relief of our pent-up emotions and desire.

After a brief moment to catch our breath our lips joined again, this time unrestrained, grinding, nibbling, sucking, while our tongues played, dueled, in her mouth then in mine. And her body was grinding against mine as my arms squeezed tighter and tighter.

At last she pulled her lips away from mine and she was panting, Chest heaving. And when I looked down her eyes were wet and shining, but she had a look that bordered on fear. She said, in a faint whisper, "Rob, perhaps you should go?"

I knew it wasn't a request. It was a plea, for me to be stronger than she was able. Neither of us wanted this to end. But it was the right thing. Perhaps this was a beginning. But it was certainly not the end. And I admired her courage in saying it. I couldn't have.

I loosened my grip but still held her as I softly kissed her lips, her forehead, her cheeks, eyelids, chin. It took minutes, but I finally whispered, "You're right, Kate, I don't want to move from here, but I should go. We shouldn't rush. And you know I'll count the minutes till I'm with you again."

When I began to push away and up her arms clung, like she didn't want to let me go. But I used my last ounce of inner strength to force myself away. I bent over and kissed her once more, then moved towards the door. But she gave a little squeal, as though in pain, and got up behind me, then rushed over and wrapped her arms around me, head against my chest. And it was my turn to whimper.

She looked up with me, her eyes pleading. "You know you don't have to go. You can stay. Rob ..." And there were tears. But it was the unfinished statement that terrified me. I was so afraid of what she might say next.

And I was even more afraid of what was going through my head. I knew what I felt. But something deep inside was insisting that it was wrong, too soon, and demeaning what Katie and I had had. I had barely met this woman. How could I possibly have such thoughts? How could she? I needed time. And a clear head. What I was most afraid of was ruining something wonderful.

Gently I pulled away from the arms that surrounded me. "Kate, I would give anything to stay here with you now. But I think this is more important than just a night. And I'll see you very soon again, in the morning. Please, let's keep whatever is happening between us until we both can be certain it's right."

"You're right, Rob, I know it. I just hate it. Be early tomorrow. And come get me. Rob I ..." If she'd said it I couldn't have fought any longer.

But I kissed her one final time, holding her like a flower, then turned and almost ran out the door.

I had tears in my eyes just driving home. I was afraid I'd hurt her by leaving. But I was so afraid that if I'd stayed I would have hurt us both much more. I spent the rest of the evening with emotions raging. I felt so guilty. Dirty! I was about to demean all that the love between Katie and I had meant. Somehow I knew she was there. Watching. She would know. And I felt that if her presence left me I would die. And that's what I would deserve.

But I knew almost from that first night in the car there was something between me and Kate. Now it was undeniable. Perhaps it made no sense but it was there. Maybe I could be strong enough to resist it, but I couldn't make it go away. And what about her. She obviously felt it too. And I certainly hadn't tried to discourage her. If I withdrew now she would be hurt doubly, because of her feelings and the way I treated her. No matter what I did it might be wrong.

I went to bed around midnight and before long my pillow was wet with tears. I tossed and turned and swore at myself and the world and fate. But around three, from exhaustion, I fell asleep. And I dreamed again. Of Katie. My Katie. It happened a lot. Sometimes it was what kept me going. But around 5 I woke with a start, eyes wide open. Like most dreams it was fading fast. But I knew this one had been different. Not about our wonderful times together. She was there, sort of in a mist, and she just turned to face me, smiling. A wonderful smile almost like when I was in the hospital. But the words that woke me so suddenly were ringing in my ears.

"Robbie, Do it for me." Just as before. There was a long pause and she began to fade into the mist. But then, "She's the one." And the vision winked out like a light bulb as I startled awake.

In my entire life I never cried so loud and long. The pillow was crunched up into a little soaking wet ball in my arms. She had made sure I would have no doubt. It was what she wanted. Perhaps she'd planned everything.

I cannot describe what I felt. Once again it boiled down to Knowledge. My course was set and nothing could change it unless Kate somehow rejected me. And I KNEW she would not.

When I left to go to her I was almost bubbling over with joy. I had a little bag I tossed into the back with a change of clothes. I know it sounds presumptuous, but I never gave it a second thought.

When I walked up to her door in the morning I didn't have to ring, it opened for me. And that wonderful smile, mixed with just a hint of apprehension, greeted me. I was afraid she might have second thoughts, especially after I'd refused her invitation and left her. But when I took her in my arms the worry vanished and she looked just like I did, full of joy.

We were almost late for work, but we made it. Of course, we kissed and held each other. Nothing needed to be said about how we felt. But still, she had something she just had to tell me. She'd had a dream too. And she could still remember it, vividly.

I was in it. And there was a woman, a beautiful woman. Voluptuous, with strawberry blonde hair. Holding me. But the other woman kissed me, then opened her arms, and I turned and walked towards Kate. And the other woman, still smiling, started to drift away, fading into the background. But at the last moment she called out in a soft loving voice, "Care for him." And she was gone.

I had never even described Katie to her. I was almost crying but I asked her, "Do you know what time it was?"

"About five. Why?"

I couldn't tell her about my dream; what Katie said to me. Perhaps someday, but not then. She didn't need to know yet. And it would only be pressure on her. We'd see what life had in store. Instead, I cried, and she understood. She knew what she'd seen as well as I did. And she cried with me.