The Journal

Caleb is really nice, he smells like Adam.

Tiffany is nice she reminds me of mummy.

I think....I'm okay?

The entry finished there. Jason scrambled around, finally finding Bertie's employment records, he scoured the page. The Circus, Jason had heard of it, some burlesque place in Knightsbridge which was rumoured to be a brothel, it had closed only a few months ago. Jason cursed as he gave himself a papercut trying to flick to the sixth entry, it read,

Everyone's nice here, I don't even remember what I did before. I'm having so much fun. Adam doesn't talk to me much anymore, he says I should be happy with my new friends but I just want to be with him.

Jason hastily flipped forward to the penultimate entry,

Ginger gave some pills and now I'm reeeeaaaallllyy happy!! It's better than the times I've taken too many cause I don't feel sick this time. HAHAHA

Ginger ran out of pills.

I asked Ginger for more pills, he said no.

I told him I wanted to take all the pills but he said I can't.

Why is he still here? There's always someone here.

The writing stopped but the passage was surrounded by dark pencil drawings of hideous monsters and bloodshot eyes. The final entry was dated, only a few months ago,

Everything is coming to an end. Everyone is so happy. I think I should go back to the doctor. Adam's gone.

Chapter three

It took Jason a long time to recover from his readings, he never had such a close look at such a disturbed mind. Realising the time, he organised himself to head back out to work, donning a thick coat in hopes of surviving the cold January weather. He was almost out the door when his phone went off. "Aoife," he answered on the first ring, nodding as his good friend rattled off what she had found.

As he made his way through London Jason tried to collect his thoughts, the attitude he had felt towards Bertie had diminished somewhat, but not entirely, he did indeed want to help the man, if it was possible, but he was also still cradling his anger from their last interaction.

Danny was already in Jason's office when he got there, spinning in the chair behind his desk. "Dan," Jason patted the boy's head and he removed his coat and sorted his bag.

"Jace!" the teenager whined, "I told you not to treat me like a kid," he rearranged his hair, straw-like from all the bleaching he had done to it.

"Sorry Dan, but if you don't get off my fucking chair I'll have to kill you," Jason grinned, his relationship with Danny had long since lost any professionalism and the two were now just a weird pair of friends. Danny stuck his tongue out, grabbing a chocolate bar out of Jason's snack drawer before bouncing over and settling on the sofa. "So," Jason also helped himself to a chocolate bar, "how's everything going?"

"Shit," was Dan's reply, playing with the many bracelets on his arms, "I went to see my dad last week."

"Oh, and?" Jason started organising his desk, grateful he could return home after his two appointments.

"He said to be careful" Danny scoffed, "that they don't like him there and I should take care of Ma and Emma," Dan's little sister was only nine, "like, why the fuck is it up to me?"

"Language," Jason chastised, a rule he didn't follow himself but felt he should implore, "so what about your course?"

"They said I'd hear back from them," Dan huffed, stretching out on the sofa.

"Fun," Jason sighed, also stretching before grabbing two bottles of water out the mini fridge and throwing one at his new friend.

"So," Danny waggled his eyebrows, "you got a date or some shit?"

"Language," Jason said, taking a long drink of water, "and what are you talking about?"

"You," Danny gestured, "normally you look sorta homeless but right now you've kinda got an Indiana Jones thing going on with the stubble and stuff, you're actually pretty hot huh?"

"Thanks, I really want to hear that from a kid," Jason rubbed his already scratchy jawline.

"So who is it?" Danny sauntered over, "oh my god, it's not me is it?"

"Fuck no," Jason deadpanned, he liked them young but Danny was very young, not to mention immature, "I just had the day off, thought I should sort myself out."

"Boring," Danny perched on the desk, still looking at Jason, "but really," he leaned in awkwardly close, too inexperienced to be remotely seductive, "you're pretty good looking huh? I could never tell cause normally you're all kinda," he made a general gesture towards Jason's face. Trying not to be offended, Jason laughed, not so gently pushing the teenage off his desk.

Danny wasn't wrong, Jason usually looked rough, he didn't care much for clothes, only shaved when he almost resembled a viking and often forgot to cut his hair. Pair that with the fact the he was slightly under height, lean, not muscular but thankfully not fat, and occasionally had to don some circa nineteen ninety eight reading glasses when his eyes were tired and it was amazing he ever pulled. When he did make an effort however, the result was immediate, his haircut revealing bright blue eyes, his square jaw now visible even under the stubble, his fitted shirt, whilst not bulging with muscle showed broad shoulders and a narrow waist.

Jason and Danny chilled for a while longer, until Jason practically pushed the young man out the door just before seven. He had barely tidied the chaos Danny had left behind when there was a knock, light but clear. Rolling his shoulders back and down, Jason answered, once again taking in the strange beauty of Bertie Price. Jason felt a tiny stab of joy at the little look of shock on Bertie's face, his eyes doing a slow scan on Jason's body before hitting the floor and pushing past him into the room.

They sat as they had sat before, this time Bertie nodded to the offer of coffee. "So," Jason kicked off, "I had a little look through your file," even with his back to Bertie he heard the shift in the leather as the man tensed. Finishing off the coffees, Jason took his seat again, perching his notes on his knee and taking a sip. "I was hoping today we could discuss a few things from your journal entries." At that, Bertie looked like he wanted to leave and fast, "I thought we could go through them one by one," Jason dragged out the sentence, eyes on Bertie's face. If what Aoife said was true, Jason's suspicions were correct. The other man took a long drink of coffee, "okay," he said finally, some of the lightness gone from his voice. "But," he suddenly spoke again, "for every question you ask me I get to ask you one back, okay?" Jason nodded, sighing, Bertie wasn't the first of his clients to bargain for information.

He thumbed through the journal, finding the first entry and looking to the notes he had made, "So your first entry is pretty self explanatory, was that written immediately after the accident?" he was easing Bertie in with a simple question, they both knew he wasn't referring to an accident but kept up the charade.

"Yes, I was in a coma for a few days, woke up, met your brother, and wrote that," he barely paused, "when did you lose your virginity?" Jason started, what an opener, but he should have expected Bertie to default to sex, it seemed to be his defence mechanism. The man was already more eloquent than Jason had ever seen him, his little act slightly shaken now. "When I was thirteen," Jason said nonchalantly, he didn't exaggerate, which allowed him another glint at Bertie's angry expression before it disappeared.

"Your second entry, was that made long after the first?"

"Two days later," Bertie's sweet, childlike voice was already darker than before, "I wanted to write but the nurse kept talking to me, kept telling me how 'brave' I was," he looked outright disgusted then. "Who did you lose it to?" Bertie ploughed on.

"My science teacher," Jason acknowledged Bertie's raised brow, "Mr. White," he added for clarity, Jason had never been with a woman. Taking in a brief moment of satisfaction at the surprise on Bertie's face, Jason went to the next journal entry, "this one here is a little more...umm.. Intense. Why did you want to die so badly?" Jason didn't bother to sound politically correct.

"To be with Adam," Bertie said simply, deliberately not exaggerating the same way Jason had done.

"Your stepbrother?"

"That's another question," Bertie's cute persona had all but disappeared now.

"I know," Jason leaned forward, watching the emotions flitting across the other man's face.

"Yes, my stepbrother, he died when I was fifteen," even Bertie's mask faltered then, sadness entering his voice.

"You loved him," Jason deliberately phrased it as a statement, not a question.

"Yes," Bertie answered anyway, "we loved each other," he added.

He sat very still for a moment but suddenly slipped back into his act, leaning back in his chair and playing with his hair, "so," that high pitched voice was back, "Mr. White huh? Who fucked who?" Jason's jaw clenched a little at that, he'd seen the question coming but he was still pissed he had to answer it.

"Both," he said finally, "he fucked me, then I fucked him," he didn't mention any details, the memories enough to have him clenching his fists. Bertie's interest piqued then and he also leaned forward, watching Jason's face intently, "consensual?" that single word sent a shudder through Jason's body. He hadn't been a big kid, always on the scrawny and short side, until finally growing a little his latter teen years. Disgusting, sweaty, fat, Mr. White probably spotted him a mile away, a desperate, socially inept gay kid who's only friend was his brother. He hadn't lied when he said he'd fucked Mr.White, he didn't mention it was almost ten years later in a back alley after he'd beaten the man half to death. "Sure," it was an obvious lie, but even mad-as-a-hatter Bertie seemed to allow it.

"Your fourth entry," Jason ushered the conversation on, "you talk about meeting a man named Tom, are you still friends now?" Bertie nodded, a genuine smile gracing his face, it lit him up like nothing else. Scrabbling around, the man took out his phone, scrolling for a while before handing it to Jason, showing a photo of a strikingly attractive young man with long black hair and huge blue eyes, two little beauty marks below one of them. "He was my boss, but now he lives with his partner, they're really sweet together," it was possibly the most coherent sentence Jason had ever heard the man say. Looking at the photo, Jason was concerned, this pretty young man seemed rather too similar to the police report of Adam Andrews, he was described as having long black hair and blue eyes, the only difference was that he was said to have olive skin from some Eastern European heritage. "Okay so, who was the kid you were in here with before?" Bertie's question was a surprise, how had he known about Danny?

"Oh er...client confidentiality but his name's Danny, his family's in a bit of a mess right now so he comes here for umm...guidance?" Jason couldn't really elaborate more than that, he and Danny basically just hung out like friends these days. Bertie nodded but his lips were pursed, almost like he was...jealous? The fuck?

"Okay so your next entry," Jason flipped through the journal, "you say you think you're okay, but then you also say you're having sex with what sounds like a lot of people?"

"Yeah," Bertie had a bemused smile now, "but it was for work so it was okay, I learnt how good sex can be you know?" his stupid fucking childish voice was back in full flow, sex was a subject he was far too comfortable with. "My turn," he sing songed, Jason's mind struggling to keep up with the constant change of pace, "who was the first guy you had a crush on?" Jason grimaced, this is really getting too close to home now.

"Brad Pitt," he lied, gathering his notes with shaky hands. He knows. "So this entry, where I can only assume you're high? You say someone always comes, could you elaborate?"

"Yeah," Bertie was smug now, almost lazy with his response, "tried to kill myself five times, but someone always saves me, annoying huh?" he gave no reprieve, "who was the first guy you had a crush on?"

Fuck.

Chapter four

Jason's laugh was metallic, "I already answered your question there buddy," he chuckled. Buddy? Am I a fucking cowboy? Standing, he began gathering his paperwork, looking at anything that wasn't Bertie. "No you didn't," Bertie's mask was officially off, on the floor and stomped on. Jason couldn't help but spin around at the low, precise voice with which he spoke, those beautiful eyes sharp with challenge, his smug little mouth set in a serious line. This is Bertie Price. Jason took him in for a moment, those slim rounded shoulders were back now, his eyes were bright with intelligence, that distracting tongue was still. If this is what it takes to get to the truth, I'll play ball.

Jason swallowed, preparing himself to say something he had never said to another person before, he double checked the locked door before sitting back down opposite the man he was supposed to council. Jason realised he was shaking, he could hear blood rushing in his ears, the enormity of his confession pressing into his body, almost pushing the words from his lungs. "It wasn't Brad Pitt," he finally said, aware that he was already too emotional, "it was my brother, Alexander." They sat in the silence those words had created. A few expressions crossed Bertie's face but he finally settled on schooled nonchalance. Jason on the other hand, was sweating, his leg bouncing up and down on the floor, his throat dry. He had never confessed to the raw, dirty, feelings he had once had for his brother. They may not have been biologically related, but Alexander had only ever acted as a wonderful sibling, it was Jason who had let himself fall, weak from almost two years of Mr. White's 'attentions', Jason had allowed himself to desire the only man who actually loved him. That was, until Alex had proposed to Lucy some six years earlier, the day Jason had buried his desires, his fantasies and his love, deep, deep, in the recesses of his mind.

"Just like me," Bertie finally stated, his voice even more serious.

"Yeah," Jason dragged his hand over his face, "and just like you I knew it was a bad idea. But unlike you, I've never acted on it."

"Do you wish you had?" Bertie suddenly sounded his age. Jason thought for a moment,

"No," he said finally, "when I see him with his wife and kids, I'm so fucking happy for him ," he was dimly aware of the tears rolling down his cheeks, "but it wasn't fun sharing a bedroom with the guy I was in love with for ten years I'll tell you that," he tried to lift the mood.

"Maybe it's a good thing you never told him," Bertie sounded wistful, "I told Adam and a year later he hung himself in our bedroom," his voice carried a cold kind of separation.

"Jesus Bertie, I am sorry. Did he say anything to you?"

"It was the guilt," there were tears in Bertie's eyes now, "he thought what we were doing was a sin, was unnatural," the tears didn't drop and somehow Bertie was suddenly back in control of his emotions. They sat in silence, both fully absorbing the situation.

"How did you know?" Jason finally said, "about me," he added.

"Hah," Bertie's laugh was soulless, "you're a complete dick to everyone except him. All your emotions are so fake, and when I saw you with him, you lit up like a Christmas tree." Jason couldn't help but agree with that, besides his parents, Alex and his family were the only people Jason could muster emotions for, he could be gentle with them, sweet with them even. Jason had given up the idea of relationships a long time ago, sex was now only for power and pleasure. Even Jason's friendship's were sparse, Aoife being more of a colleague than an actual friend. The only other person who had seemed to slip past his defences was Danny and now, perhaps Bertie.

"I'm that obvious huh?" he let out a small smile, which Bertie thankfully returned. "When did you see my brother and I together? You and I only met the other day?" he had said it to change the subject but Jason never could have expected Bertie's face to change as it did then. His mouth popped open, his pale cheeks flushed the most wonderful pink and his eyes momentarily filled with panic. "What?" he looked genuinely flustered.

"Well you talked about how I act around my brother so.." Jason suddenly felt awkward for some reason.

"Nope, I don't think I did," Bertie was standing now, gathering his belongings, "thank you for the session Mr. Turner I will be returning at the same time tomorrow and I bid you goodnight," in seconds Bertie was out the door, leaving behind an utterly baffled Jason.

The large hand that landed on Jason's shoulder scared the living daylights out of him, "woah chill, I didn't mean to scare you," Alex's smooth voice came from behind him.

"Sorry," Jason blinked, his eyes sore, just how long had he been staring at the empty corridor his charge had just exited down?

"What did you do to scare him off?" asked Alex, letting himself into Jason's office and grabbing the bottle of whiskey Jason hid in his filing cabinet.

"I have no idea," a still-dazed Jason followed his brother, accepting a drink and flopping down in the armchair Bertie had recently vacated. Alex chuckled, clapping Jason on the thigh before also sitting. Jason almost laughed, ten years ago that gesture alone would have had him rushing to the nearest toilets.

"Maybe he's just nervous," Alex said optimistically.

"Nervous?" Jason raised a brow, nervous didn't really seem to be in Bertie's repertoire.

"Well yeah," Alex downed the rest of his drink, making Jason feel emasculated enough to copy him, "what with him having a thing for you and all," Alex finished casually.

The fuck?

"What?" Jason bellowed, hastily pouring and downing another glass to help him digest the information, "since when?"

"Woah okay now," Alex removed the bottle of whiskey from the table between them, "for ages Jace, he and I used to have sessions after his accident and cause he never talked I would just ramble about you all the time." Jason couldn't help but blush a smidgen at that, "on one of a last sessions he confessed that he'd seen you around the office and few times and with the impression I'd given, he wanted to get to know you," Alex looked as relaxed as ever, not seeming to gauge the effect this was having on Jason.

He likes me.

I thought he wasn't your type?

Fuck types, Bertie Price is the most gorgeous creature I've ever seen.

Jason leapt up from his chair, pacing the room, both energized and mentally exhausted at the same time. He'd shared things with Bertie he'd never tell another human soul and it had actually felt okay. But did Jason like him? Of course you do. You're so far in fucking denial you're practically Peter the Apostle. It was true, he'd put his scarily strong attraction to Bertie down to his keenness to uncover the man's secrets. However, it wasn't as simple as all that, they both had issues, like issues issues.

"I thought that's why he wanted you to counsel him," Alex blathered on, unaware of the fact that Jason was still trying to reconstruct his mind where Alex had blown it.

"Shit," Jason slumped back down on his chair.

"What?"

"We didn't make another appointment," Jason gestured to his now-open calendar, there was no guarantee Bertie would come back. Alex shrugged, stranding and going to leave,

"I'm sure he'll make one at reception. Now," he pecked Jason on the top of the head, avoiding Jason's swipes, "I'm going home to my lovely wife for home lasagne and maybe a little dessert afterwards," he raised his brows.