The Journal

"My mother died when I was twelve," he answered Lucy calmly, which was amazing considering he was clutching Jason's hand so tightly his nails had almost broken the skin.

"Oh my lad," Mum was immediately out of Mama's arms, sweeping Bertie into a hug, swamping him with her mass. Freezing for a moment, Bertie relaxed into her grip, his little hands clutching her shoulders. "I'm sorry babe," Lucy's voice disappeared up the stairs as Alex carted her off to bed, throwing Jason an apologetic look.

"Oh you sweet thing," Mum pulled out of the hug only to land a huge smooch on Bertie's cheek, "look at you, you're so tiny!" Jason shot his Mama a little look at that, left unattended Jason's mum was a feeder to the highest degree, it was a miracle the family wasn't twice their size.

"I've always been small," once again, everyone was surprised when Bertie spoke, his face had transformed a little in Mum's arms, a small smile dancing on his lips.

"Oh just look at you," Alison Turner swept in for another hug, practically suffocating Bertie in her breasts.

If the rest of the night did go well for Bertie, Jason would have to wait to find out. At eleven o'clock, a rather drunk Alex called Bertie a taxi, unaware of Jason's subtle hints that Bertie could stay in the guest room with him. Alas, both tipsy and bossy, Jason's family seemed blind to his annoyance when they neatly folded Bertie into the back of a black cab. Jason was only able to give the man a peck on the cheek before his rowdy brother tapped the cab's roof. A confused but slightly amused Bertie waved goodbye as he zoomed away, leaving a far-too-sober Jason to deal with the mess back at the house.

At the best of times, Jason wasn't renowned for his texting prowess, but by Thursday evening, he really regretted now having Bertie's contact information. He had it of course, but only on file and using that information to ask what the fuck kind of relationship the pair of them now had seemed unprofessional. Jason lounged on the sofa in his office, he was exhausted, having pushed through two procedures in one day in order to free up more of his evening in hope of meeting Bertie Price. Jesus Christ is this what it's like to actually like someone? Gross. Jason wanted to hate himself, jumping up at every noise, phoning reception to check for new appointments, but he couldn't help the bubbling feeling in his stomach at the idea of repeating the last moment he and Bertie had shared on the very same sofa. Jason sighed, sitting up and grabbing a bottle of water, he felt a little rough, but for once didn't actually look it. He wasn't sure when it had happened but he had recently taken to shaving on a daily basis, even going as far as to order some new clothes from some site Aoife had told him about. Why he was suddenly bothering with his appearance was a mystery.

Sorry, did you just say mystery? Are you a fucking idiot?

Jason groaned, checking his phone for the twentieth time in so many minutes. It was not a mystery, it was for Bertie fucking Price.

As soft as it was, the knock at the door almost made Jason jump out of his skin. He stood up too quickly, taking a second to steady himself before opening the door, trying to ignore the hope rising in his chest. The slight man before him looked as wonderful as ever. Bertie had cut his hair at some point, revealing a little more of his face and layering it so it twisted and flicked in all different directions, cute. He wore a huge parka jacket, the fluffy collar surrounding his delicate jawline, his feet were stuffed into a pair of furry boots and his hands were in a pair of mittens. Jason almost laughed, it was a bitterly cold day yes, but Bertie looked ready to trek to the South Pole. "Bertie," Jason felt his face make a genuine smile, letting the little eskimo into his office. Bertie flashed a little smile of his own, stepping into the warmth of the room and quickly removing his mittens and jacket, stripping down to his thick cream jumper. Alarmingly, Jason felt himself smiling again, grabbing his phone to turn up the room's heating even more, enjoying the way Bertie's cheeks were already flushed with the warmth.

"So," Jason spun his pen around in his hands, they had adopted their usual positions and as much as Jason wanted to talk, he begrudgingly reminded himself Bertie was there for a session. It seemed Jason wasn't the only one either, Bertie squirmed slightly in his chair, his eyes constantly flicking up and down, meeting Jason's gaze before darting away. "I'm sorry about Lucy," Jason finally said, in a vague attempt to break the mounting sexual tension.

"That's okay," Bertie didn't seem to bother with his act, seeming every bit the age he was.

"She was way out of line," Jason pushed, remembering the way Bertie's little body had shaken next to him at the dining table.

"She didn't know," Bertie gave another one of his little smiles, the fact that those smiles were becoming more frequent wasn't lost on either of them, "your mum is really nice."

"Hah," Jason couldn't help but bark a laugh, "are you sure? She nearly smothered you at one point there. She's not wrong that you're so small though," there was a moment of silence as Bertie watched Jason's eyes trace his body.

"I know," Bertie rasped a little, his face flushed, "I didn't grow very well," he added, clearing his throat. Jason nodded, mentally chastising himself for practically fucking Bertie with his eyes mid-session. "When I was younger and my mother was sick," Bertie continued, "I didn't really go out much, or eat a whole lot, my doctor thinks I might have restricted my growth a bit."

"Oh," that was enough to snap Jason out his his trace, he jotted down some notes, "you didn't go out much?" Bertie looked embarrassed,

"My mother was sick for six years, I decided I always wanted to be by her side. I hardly ate, barely saw the sun," he gestured to his pale complexion, "I practically forced her to let me homeschool," he shook his head, "she was so annoyed at that," a reminiscent smile grace his lips.

"How long did it stay like that?" Jason asked, concerned but happy Bertie seemed okay.

"I err..," Bertie looked uncomfortable now, his smile gone, "I developed agoraphobia," Bertie toyed with the sleeves of his jumper, "even after she died, I couldn't..."

"So how?" Jason gestured to Bertie, sitting in his chair having presumably walked through one of the world's busiest cities to get there.

"Adam," Bertie gave another smile.

Chapter seven

The session really begun after that, their thoughts far from the lust which had once filled the room. Bertie spoke of Adam, of how he had practically cured Bertie's agoraphobia, how it had created a bond between them so strong, it had become love without them even realizing. Jason tried not to feel jealous, he had no right, Bertie wasn't his and Adam wasn't even alive. Still, it grated on him slightly the way Bertie's face softened when he spoke of the man he clearly still loved. Jason couldn't pinpoint the moment the conversation shifted, when talk of first loves became talk of first blowjobs, when speak of kisses became an exchanging of encounters in clubs and alleys.

"He was awful," Jason laughed, "he called his cock Sir Reginald and kept saying 'Sir Reginald is very happy', whilst I was fucking him," Bertie snorted at that. They had both ended up on the sofa, Jason having raided his filing cabinet for the last of the whiskey, "then one day he brought a friend with him and I was super keen and then," Jason was already vibrating with laughter, almost unable to finish his story he was laughing so much, "they got out this bag full of medieval costumes," he squeaked out.

"No!" Bertie's eyes were saucers, tearful from their laughing.

"Yes! They said they were so happy I was one of them," Jason dissolved into laughter again.

"One of them meaning?"

"Fuck knows! I got out of there quick sharp," they chuckled again.

"I had a great blowjob the other day," Bertie said nonchalantly, sipping his whiskey. A spike of cold dread hit Jason's stomach, he wasn't sure why he had expected Bertie to be chaste for him but the fact that it galled him so much that he wasn't was worrying.

"Oh yeah?" Jason did his best to look casual.

"Yeah," Bertie's tongue did that amazing slithering thing, "but I felt really bad afterwards." Jason's heart soared at little, was he shit? Was I better? I bet I was better. "Why's that?" he took a lazy sip of whiskey.

"Turns out it was his birthday but he didn't tell me, should have been me blowing him really."

There was a moment of silence before Jason caught the smirk of Bertie's face, "you," Jason threatened, putting their drinks down before launching himself at Bertie's ribs, his fingers finding purchase, making Bertie dissolve into laughter. Of course he was ticklish, his little frame squirming side to side as he desperately batted Jason's hands away. "Do you submit?" Jason grinned, pinning Bertie with one hand whilst the other made it's was under his jumper.

"No way!" Bertie squeaked, weakly trying to pull Jason's hand away.

"Do you submit?" Jason's hand found bare skin, going to town on Bertie's ribs before giving him a second to answer. It was only when Bertie stopped laughing Jason even realised their position. Bertie was flat on his back on the sofa once more, Jason between his legs. Their faces were close, Jason could feel Bertie's heard thumping under his hand. He watched Bertie's adam's apple bob as he swallowed, his flushed face suddenly looking serious, "I submit," he said breathlessly.

With that, Jason closed the gap, bringing their lips together in an instant. Heat sparked between them but the kiss remained rather gentle, a caressing of lips and tongues. Jason's hand remained under Bertie's jumper, his fingers finding a nipple, flicking and pinching it, enjoying the way Bertie let out little pants into their kisses. Bertie's arms twined around Jason's neck, bringing their bodies, crotches included, closer together. Jason couldn't help but moan at the wonderful friction between them, pulling Bertie upright and crushing their bodies even closer together. Bertie sat on Jason's lap, his legs wrapped around Jason's waist, his weight barely noticeable. They pulled away from each other for a moment, both catching their breath, "I like kissing you," Bertie whispered, delicately dipping his head to trail tiny nips along Jason's jaw and neck. Jason didn't bother to mention how hypersensitive his neck seemed to be, his moans and whimpers making that painfully obvious. He ground their hips together, enjoying the way Bertie's kisses faltered when he found the right angle. "Bertie," Jason yelped, thrusting his hips up hard when a little pair of canines scraped his collar bone. Bertie finally bought his head up, not wearing a smirk like Jason would have expected, instead just looking genuinely happy.

"Do you like kissing me Jason?" Bertie fully participated in their grinding now, rolling his hips in the most sensual way. Jason nodded frantically, already too close to cumming and suddenly feeling very much like the younger of the pair of them. "I like kissing you," he panted, bringing their mouths back together to prove his point. When they parted, Bertie was already starting to shimmer down Jason's body, "I'll do it this time," he said, daintily tucking his hair behind one ear, "so sit back and relax." With that, he pushed Jason onto his back, looming over him, backlit so he glowed, looking almost like an angel.

Jason froze.

"This will feel good Jason," Bertie was kissing down his neck.

"Don't worry boy, I'll make it feel good."

"Just relax," Bertie was at Jason's jeans, fingers fiddling with the fly.

"Just lie on your back, Mr.White will take care of you."

"Jason? Are you okay?"

"Jason? It feels good right?"

"Hey! Jason?"

"You keep sayin no but this-

There was a loud thud when Bertie's body hit the floor. Jason was vaguely aware of his outstretched arms shaking in front of him, his whole body vibrating, his throat dry, his eyes welling with tears. "No," he croaked out, "I don't want to," he pulled in his limbs, gathering himself into a small ball on the sofa. Bertie seemed to recover quickly, by Jason's side in an instant. "Jason, it's okay," a tiny hand squeezed Jason's shoulder, it took him a moment to realise it was the delicate, pale little hand of Bertie, not the fat, hairy hand he had been expecting.

"Bertie?" Jason's limbs loosened themselves by the tiniest of measurements.

"Hello my love," Bertie said gently, somehow wrapping himself around Jason's bigger frame. Jason settled into his embrace, taking a moment to feel mortified. He was usually more careful not to let himself get pushed down like that but around Bertie, his thoughts were so changeable, so difficult to track and train.

They sat there for a long while, Jason gradually unfolding himself from the foetal position. Bertie eventually snuggling into Jason's arms, reversing their initial position. "Sorry about pushing you," Jason said into Bertie's hair, enjoying the way he could feel Bertie's even breath on his neck. Bertie snuggled closer, winding his legs around Jason's, "it's okay, I'll heal." Jason pulled away, horrified, "where did I hurt you?" his mind raced, he grabbed Bertie's wrists, pulling his arms around to try and spot any damage.

"I'm joking," Bertie gave one of his half smiles, using Jason's grip on his wrists to pull them even closer together, giving Jason a peck on the lips, "you're a shit doctor if you think you hurt me," he whispered into the little gap between them. Jason chuckled, enjoying the way it forced him to breath out some of the tension in his body. He worried for a moment that Bertie seemed far to chilled about their whole situation but reminded himself of all the conversations they had shared. Was there anything between them now? Jason felt he knew Bertie so well and yet he also knew nothing, what was his favourite food? What he a dog person or a cat person? Yes he knew Bertie's heart-wrenching secrets, but did that qualify him to be the man's lover?

Lover, do I want to be his lover?

Jason took a deep breath, maybe, if it's him, it might be okay. "Bertie," he whispered into the white blonde hair under his chin, "I like you, really like you."

Bertie's head shot up so fast he smacked Jason on the chin, adding to their battle scars for the night, "fuck," Jason cried, clutching his chin.

"Shit! Sorry!" Bertie flitted around like a little pixie, grabbing and cold bottle of water from the fridge and none-too-gently pressing it against Jason's chin.

"Jesus!" Jason shrieked at the contact, "wrap it in something would you?"

"Right!" a panicked Bertie fetched an old t-shirt from one of the desk drawers, wrapping the bottle before pressing it back again.

"Never join the medical industry," Jason frowned.

"Sorry," Bertie looked adorable, his honey eyes huge with concern, "you shocked me."

"Oh, well, shocking you wasn't my intention," Jason had felt quite confident in his confession until now.

"No no, not like that," Bertie panicked again, "I umm..I really like you too. Actually I was going to ask you out today," he blushed a little.

"Really?" Jason's jaw hurt when he tried to look shocked.

"Yeah, want to go out with me?"

Chapter eight

Given his history, it was understandable that Bertie wasn't exactly a font of knowledge when it came to dating. He had gone from agoraphobic to secret relationship to suicidal to sex worker, so asking for a normal first date was probably a little on the optimistic side. What Jason hadn't been expecting, was the other ten people that joined them on their 'date'.

Bertie was taking him to his friend Tom's production of We Will Rock You. Jason wasn't usually one for musicals but Bertie had done all the costumes and Jason was a huge Queen fan. They had met outside a theatre, which looked far too big considering it was supposed to be some local stage school production. "Jason," Bertie had waved from within a little circle of people, his usual mask firmly in place, his eyes alight with mischief. Honestly, Jason was a little miffed he wasn't going to spend his first date with the 'actual' Bertie, but fake Bertie looked mouthwatering in tight black trousers and a t-shirt that was more holes that shirt, so Jason let it go.

"Hey," Jason dipped down for a kiss, aware of the ripple of noises that went through their little crowd as he did so, "you look great," he kissed Bertie again. Bertie snuggled up to him like a cat, immediately slipping under Jason's coat and sapping as much warmth as possible. Jason caught Bertie's eyes dancing along his body, he raised a questioning brow. The clothes he had ordered had come and he was dressed in slightly more fitting jeans than normal, a grey waistcoat clinging to his tapered waist, his shirt a little more open but mostly concealed by the thick woolen coat he already loved like a child. Bertie gave the tiniest nod of approval before spinning Jason round to face the crowd of intimidatingly beautiful people he called friends. Jason felt like a newborn baby being passed around as he made his way through the group, shaking hand after hand. He met Bertie's friend Tom, the one from the photo, a gorgeous man who was also in charge of the show they were watching that night. His partner was Ambrose Lee, the fucking painter, a very smiley Irishman whose hands never seemed to leave his lover's body. Next was Rory, a redhead on turbocharge who immediately felt it was appropriate to kiss Jason's cheeks four times, his partner Leon was quiet but polite. Then there was Joe, a cute Californian surfer and one Jason would have definitely fucked if Bertie had not been in his life. It's like fucking mardi gras, Jason thought as he shook more hands, kissing the cheek of Tiffany, Bertie's pseudo mother, a pregnant little blonde woman. "Caleb?" Bertie asked, hugging Tiffany and letting her kiss his cheek.

"Working," she frowned, rubbing her belly.

Jason then met Darcy, who turned out to be Ambrose's brother, and his girlfriend Nadine, a rather lovely French woman. He was hoping he was done when a familiar voice boomed through the crowd, "Jason?"

"Jesus! Carl? What are you doing here?" Jason pulled the other man in for a hug, slapping him on the back, he hadn't seen Carl in years.

"We're here for the show of course, Mike shares a studio with Ambrose," Carl gestured to the man next to him, he was tall dark and handsome, he was also pouting rather obviously in Jason's direction. "Right, shit," Carl looked between the group, "Jason you've never met Michael, my husband," Carl said proudly.

"Husband?" Jason's mouth stretch into a huge grin, "when the fuck did you get married?" he asked Carl as he shook Michael's hand.

"Three years ago down in Brighton," Carl said cheekily, "do not tell your mother!" he added conspiratorially. A slight tightening on his arm made Jason remember Bertie was still firmly attached to him, his caramel eyes swimming with questions Jason knew he would ask under his current guise. "Carl's my cousin," he said to the general group, answering Bertie's silent question, "well, he's my brother's cousin umm...it's complicated, but yeah, cousins," he slapped Carl on the back again in an attempt to reassure both Michael and Bertie. They seemed to accept it, Carl chatting excitedly about how he and Jason had hung out and university together, lucky for both of them, he missed out the part where the two of them had been fuck buddies for over a year.

Amazingly, the show was actually great, even with the definitely underage Galileo Figaro staring a little too deeply into Jason's eyes when he sung. Despite this, Jason enjoyed himself, paying particular attention to the costumes he knew Bertie had made, they were stunning. Bertie's friends were also good fun, Tom disappeared early on to help backstage and Jason spending a lot of the night chatting to his partner Ambrose. Carl was on good form but went missing with Michael for the entire second half. Bertie was clingy and quiet but seemed happy, clapping frantically after the second encore, tears in his eyes.