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"Hello"
"Yes, this is Carla Smith. Robert? Wait a second, I'll just check?"
She mouthed HOME to me. And I mouthed back NO.
"Actually Robert is not here. He must have left his cell phone here."
"Okay. Just a second. Can you tell me your name and your number again? I will take a note for Robby."
" S-A-R-A M-I-L-L-E-R. You are?.... his sister. Your number? ... old one."
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This is from the view of a depressed person, and you will find lots of details missing.
- COMMENTS
Foxterot7a11 months agoAs an avid reader of mutually consensual incestuous love stories, this is a unique story. I like indepth character development. I usually read more into the story than most people. I think about the psychological, emotional, and psychiatric ramifications/effects on the characters. I think about the character's self-assuredness, self-esteem, ego and id. Because this story involves someone who would be classified as "depressive borderline suicidal" I understand the lapses in mental process/storyline; however, sometime I can not adjust for nor fill in the mental/conservational gaps in this story. Regardless of the minor short falls, I can not wait to read the remaining chapters. 5 stars without reservations.
digdaddyrichabout 12 years agoSome of the language is not normally used in typical American language.
Like using the word in, (setting in the couch) instead of (setting on the couch). Both are correct, but using the word "in" in some instances is not normally used in the American language.
That's just one instance, and there were a lot of places an editor could help clean up.
I certainly hope that he don't throw away what he has with Carla because of his sister Sara, after all she dumped him 8 years ago, unless they get together with Carla, Jason. Then it would be Sara, Rob,Carla and Jason all having a love affair together.
I hope to see more soon.
Thanks for the read..
Anonymousabout 12 years agoPlease continue to write. You have a different approach that I think is worth developing. Please take the suggestions in the other comments in the spirit that most were given; as constructive criticism. It can be very upsetting at times, especially in the way the criticism is expressed.
I hope that you will be able to work through your story a few more times, adapting and improving your writing skills.
Good luck!
Anonymousabout 12 years agoI don't like to discourage but this story was impossible to read let alone enjoy. Please there are proof readers and editors available on this site so use them. I can see there is some talent so continue to write your stories just get the help you need. Just ignore the worst of the negative comments as these belong to people who won't even try to post a story of their own.
