The Struggle Ch. 05b

Reluctantly Helena said ,"he saw me, and Marion. We did a scene on a couple we both know pretty well. Normally, I don't do anything intimate, but then..." She hesitated, as Helena suspected that Cathy would be very angry, too. She sighed. "Afterwards, I gave the man a hand job, while Marion did the same for his wife. I do that very rarely, but sometimes, when a sub behaves very bravely... but as you can guess, Rob was present. He was there with Michelle, to get acquainted with people like him and to other people in the 'scene'."

"Yes, yes," Cathy said impatiently, "and then?"

"So he saw my hand job, he saw me kissing that man, too,, again, I thought he was brave and deserved it."

"And Rob saw that, too?"

"I guess. The next moment a girl came to us, and handed Marion and me our wedding rings. At first I had no idea what to do, I was still a bit high from the scene, and then it dawned on me: I had been given Rob's wedding ring. He was there, he had seen me!"

"And?"

"He is gone. He took his old belongings with him. He left all the things I have given him behind and now he is back at his old house."

"Did you speak with him afterwards?"

"Just now. He offered me one talk, and we just had it. I'm losing him, I know it!" She clenched her hands and her tears flowed freely. "You know, he is now just acting coldly towards me, as if I'm not even worth the anger."

Cathy felt her tears burning her eyes, too. But she had to know more. "What did you tell him? What excuse did you use?"

"I told him that I was a Mistress from before the time Rob and I had met, and that I didn't dare to tell him, because he wouldn't go into a relationship with me, not after what Jenny did to him. That was the truth!"

"You what? This is new! So you were not a novice Mistress. This explains a lot..."

"What do you mean?" Helena asked "Had you no idea?"

"No, absolutely not! This explains why you and Marion knew each other. And you knew Michelle also? Probably from this... Factory? That's what you call the building where these gatherings take place?"

Helena nodded.

"What a mess. You deceived me all along. I'm not that good as a psychiatrist, am I? You must have laughed with Marion, about keeping me in the dark like this. And I suppose now I have to clear up the mess you have caused, making Rob understand what it means, that doing a scene, that it isn't a relationship, not even really sex, just a release of the built-up tension. And of course to make him understand why you were not telling him the truth. But what arguments can I use that you not already have told him? That you are sorry? Christ!"

Cathy sat down on her own patient's couch and started to think. She looked at Helena, who looked back at her, full of confidence that Cathy perhaps knew a way out of this, to convince Rob to come back.

"You know, with this lying of yours, I might never have a child with him. He will be blaming me, too. He will never believe that I knew nothing of this factory of yours! Damn. Damn. Damn!!" Cathy was furious, and had lost all her professional detachment, this was personal.

"Is there anything else I need to know? Another secret? You have to be completely honest with me - and to Rob. No more skeletons in the closet!"

"No. Even Sylvia knew nothing. I always told Sylvia that the factory was a meeting place for the rich and that we held meetings there from time to time. She knew of course that the place is mine. Maybe Sylvia can back you up when telling Rob that only a very few knew of that place and what was going on there. And you must believe me, it was a rare thing that he saw. Usually I just talk to people there, very rarely do I use the whip even. The playing with the two subs together with Marion was a promise made a long time ago. I won't say I didn't act as a Mistress at the Factory from time to time, but when I got involved with Rob, I didn't have the 'need' anymore, or hardly any."

"One thing at a time. Thus only Marion and Michelle know about that place, besides you?"

"Yes."

"And your tasks there. Mainly in the Administration?"

"Yes."

"So while you are there, you don't do 'scenes' or play with people?"

"Sometimes. Maybe once or twice a year. People, friends, ask me to scene, and sometimes I give in."

"And yet you tell me 'you don't have the need'?"

"Hardly. Not since we have been together, Rob, Marion, you and Kim. I was satisfied."

"Mmm. Maybe. Of course, you will have to crawl through the mud with Rob . I can promise nothing, I simply can't make it better than it is on my own. Your only hope is that he can forgive you."

"Please! I'll do anything! Just bring him back!"

"I'm not finished with you yet! I need some more background information!" Cathy started walking up and down her room, and she was in deep thought. Helena sat on an uncomfortable wooden chair, and Cathy indicated to her to sit down on the couch. A bit strangely, Helena looked at her, and then she understood that from now on that while she was here, Cathy would treat her as a patient, a sick patient. In spite of her despair over losing Rob, her face became red out of shame.

Cathy looked down at her, she was angry. It wasn't very professional to be angry, but this problem was personal, she too was be affected by Helena's behavior. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became.

"Have you any idea what you have done? You have put everything at stake. Your marriage, our friendship, Rob's mental health, and all of the others who are involved with you, you stupid cunt!" Cathy was very rude now, unprofessional even, but she couldn't help herself. She was only human, too. "Why on earth were you not honest; with me at least? I could have helped prepare Rob for the truth, to save you and me a lot of pain and sorrow. You asked me to test him, to find out his deepest thoughts, but what you should have done is to tell me the truth, from the very start! You have no idea how pissed off I am. Sure, 'dear Cathy' will of course fix find you a solution? What if there isn't a solution? What if the damage is too much and he cannot be healed?" Cathy just kept on walking in her study, looking out of the window now and then, then back to Helena, and so forth.

"Maybe I can't really blame you, since you are used to people who bow to your will. If people don't do as you ask, you just fire them, I suppose? Helena, you can't treat people who are close to you like that. You have to understand, that you hurt people, really hurt them. You have lived a very long time by yourself, and I presume, that you didn't like a lot of them, the people you had to work with? All those normal people, with their wives or husbands, and the kids, in their pretty homes, those cozy places to which you had no admittance. You didn't lead a normal life, in fact, it's a surprise that you are the caring woman you became after all. No, you are a victim, too. I am sorry that I was so harsh with you,,," Cathy excused her rude behavior with this, her last words said softly and with compassion.

"No, you were right to be angry with me." Helena said with a sigh.

"You know that you should be a patient as well? Your youth was screwed up, you managed to deal with that; and somehow despite your past you finally found someone who you love unconditionally. At the same time you knew that he would step out of your life should he know all, unless he could be filled in, step by step."

"Yes. You are right."

"So why didn't you tell me?"

"I was too ashamed."

"Of what? The high and almighty Helena de V. falls from her pedestal? Sorry, Helena, I've had a lot of people on my couch and I don't really care what they are or what they do. I'm just listening, helping them to move on with their life and to give them a push in the right direction. That I would have done with you too! Now it seems it's too late. Instead of helping you, I have to help Rob. Do you understand he is the victim once again? First with Jenny, and now with you? Damnit. Damnit!!"

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know how to handle it."

"You knew to find me when you needed me to play with Rob's mind."

"Again, I'm so sorry," Helena said, obviously sensing Cathy's rage.

"So tell me, why did you go to that club? You just told me, the need to go there was gone. You had Rob, Marion, even Kim and me."

"First of all, usually I went there for business reasons, not personal." Helena became defensive. She used to go there to handle problems, not for her own reasons. "Sorry Cathy, it was just another business to me. Sometimes problems occur, and you have to find a solution. That had nothing to do with me as Mistress."

"If you were so afraid of Rob finding out that you were a Mistress, why take the risk? Was it, because you were proud of yourself? The high and mighty 'black Mistress'?"

"Yes, I guess so."

"You guess? I'm pretty sure. You like to have men crawl at your feet. In moments like these, you seem to forget all. I imagine you have trouble seeing what is real and what is in your mind. You are the owner of several businesses AND you own the Factory. Everybody is your employee, or in case of the factory, a sub or maybe a Mistress like you, but you still own the place, so they are still of a lower species," Cathy didn't wait for an answer to her gybe

"I think I am starting to understand it all. Rob is also one of your subs, so, in fact, his feelings don't really matter, do they?"

"No! that is not true! I love him with the whole of my heart."

"I'm not talking about what you are saying or doing consciously. I'm talking about your unconscious behavior. Therein lies the problem!" With the last words Cathy was obviously thinking, deeply

Helena had no answer for this.

"One more question Helena: how long have you been in the scene?"

"For over 25 years."

"You really have made a fool out of me, I could have never guessed!"

"I have a last request, more a remark. I feel bad in asking, but I know there has to be a way to have him come back. Please remind him of having a baby with you. I know it's not fair to put that out there as a tactic, but in love and war everything is allowed, and I'm desperate!"

With some disgust Cathy looked at Helena, who had brought them into this mess in the first place.

"I want to tell you something to consider. After that awful thing Jenny did to him, in my opinion he should have visited a psychiatrist right away, to help him heal from Jenny's betrayal. The one thing he needed above all was to build up his trust, yet time after time you have breached that, undermined it..... I really think he was doing fine, was starting to recover, and once again you made it all come back! I suppose I will speak to him and try to figure out how to repair the damage, once again. Because you have damaged him, again, be sure of that!"

Helena didn't dare to look in Cathy's eyes. She knew she was right. The relationship she had with Rob was built on top of the betrayal by Jenny, and unintentionally she had done the exact same thing. Not a betrayal, directly, but not being truthful, either. Again he had to face something that somebody, namely she herself, had kept hidden from him. How could he ever trust her again?

"Right. Go home and await my phone call. It may take some time, maybe days. I promise nothing, I'll do my best. After all, I'm part of this family too, and I have been just as hurt by your stupidity!"

Helena left her office, shaken, after giving her the rings she was given back by Rob. She still had tears in her eyes and a lot of things to think about, but still she was a bit relieved and had some hope. She knew she had put her future with Rob in Cathy's hands, she just hoped that the well wasn't poisoned for all time.

Her driver, who saw her coming to the limo, offered his arm to support her, and helped her into the backseat. She looked bad, she had black streaks on her face, from tears filled with black eye-shadow. He knew better than to give her any commentary, anything else other than giving her a handkerchief he couldn't do. Then he drove her home.

Cathy cancelled all her appointments, for this day and the weekend. Necessity knows no law. She knew she had to be near him, to talk a lot and to ask for forgiveness for Helena's sake. And hers, she mused. The anger came back to her in an instant. So stupid! So very stupid!

Freedom?

The rest of the afternoon went by in a blur. He couldn't relax, the words Helena put in his mind were thought about over and over again. It was true she hadn't really committed adultery, even he had to admit that. In her role as Goddess, Mistress or whatever, she had let those men perform certain duties to worship her and to give her pleasure. It was not that she loved them, they probably were almost without a face to her, just a man who did his best to please her. But it should be HIM pleasing her, not them. She should have just asked him for any worship she needed. It was unfair. It was a violation of the vows they made at the wedding. His head overflowed with thoughts and emotions. He kept thinking about a solution to this mess. He just needed time. He wasn't really free - he didn't have his freedom - the freedom he wanted was not just a physical one. Even though Helena wasn't around, she haunted his dreams and his thoughts.

Again and again he saw her kiss that guy and then that horrible thing she did. She had betrayed him! Then a vision of Jenny and Marion came back into his memory, where he was bound and they were mocking him with the large dildo. Not her, not Helena. She was always his anchor while having those troubled visions, and now the vision came back, and she had even become part of it!

The breakthrough came that evening after Helena's visit. Again the door-bell rang. Rob didn't expect anyone; suspiciously he opened the door. It was Cathy, he hadn't even thought of her these past hours.

"Hi," she greeted him, and kissed him on his mouth.

A bit surprised he kissed her back. He took her coat and asked her to sit. She sat on the couch.

"What do you want to drink?" he asked her.

"Water is fine." He took a glass of water, too, as he expected some serious talking. He suspected that Cathy was here on behalf of Helena.

"I didn't expect you here, this late. However, I did expect you to show up at some point. You are supposed to convince me to come back, I suppose?" he asked softly, with some sadness it in his eyes.

"Yes, but not just like that. I'm here to bring some light to this mess. You know, I'm a victim, too, as much as you."

Surprised, he looked at her.

"First of all, and you have to believe me about this, this afternoon I heard for the first time about the Factory."

"That must be the name of the place where Michelle brought me," Rob answered.

"Yes. Only Marion, Michelle and Helena knew what this place was. Helena told me that even Sylvia knew nothing about that place. She knew of its existence, but not the purpose. I also was informed by Helena about her being a Mistress, which she was long before she met you. I have to admit, I was more than a bit surprised. Now that I think back, I must admit, I had my suspicions, but I always figured that she was a fast learner, and under the guidance of Marion she had accomplished a lot in a very short time. I should have known better." She was mad at herself and it showed.

Rob saw that Cathy wasn't acting, he read her facial expressions when she told him about Helena's secret past and saw the anger.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"To prove my point that I am a victim, too, and that I am not exactly thrilled with Helena's behavior towards you and I both."

Of course she was referring to their upcoming marriage, and to have a child with him. Rob saw the sadness on her face as well as anger. "I think I need something stronger than water," he remarked. "You, too?"

"Only if you let me stay the night," Cathy answered with a faint smile. "I just want to hold you, I think I am as lost and upset as you must be, this is a big deal."

Rob filled two glasses with scotch whiskey, he knew that Cathy liked it as well. Then he sat next to her, placing the glasses in front of them, after having a sip. 'Dutch courage' he thought. 'What now?'

"Cathy. Helena has really hurt me this time. I don't think even you can fix it. It's really between me and her. I don't even want to talk about Marion, she played her part too, she had kept her mouth quiet all this time about what Helena was, their relationship. I thought she loved me as well." He had tears in his eyes. Both of his wives had betrayed him, fooled him, lied to him. Anger rose again, but the hand of Cathy which she placed on his arm, gave him some comfort, and he became a bit more relaxed.

"I know, Rob. I know." She looked him straight in his eyes. "Let me make some things clear, if you don't mind. I'm not here to defend Helena or Marion for not telling you what they should have done from the start. They have to ask your forgiveness for this and apologize. But I'm here to give you some background on Helena. I'm assuming things here, Helena didn't tell me everything. But like you I have spoken to Elisa, Helena's girlfriend from her early youth. I know of her lonely youth, the love she didn't receive from her parents and their early death. Helena, too, was a victim. This afternoon I was told by her that she had been a Mistress for a long time. She didn't exactly say for how long, but she said she was in the 'scene' for over 25 years."

Rob was shocked when he heard that, but decided to let it pass. One year, ten years, 25? What difference does it make? She had lied to him.

Cathy sipped her glass of whiskey. She let her words sink into his mind. Rob was looking at her. He knew that the psychiatrist Cathy was speaking, not his friend Cathy. In the hours before she came to his place, Cathy had made her own conclusions, based on her knowledge of Helena, her behavior and from what she had heard from others. Things fell into place.

"Rob, I'm almost convinced that Helena was once a sub. Maybe even a painslut. I think she became part of the BDSM community originally because they gave her attention. I believe she had friends in the scene, not uncommon for the society in which she resided. I truly believe she was a sub at first, and later she developed as a Mistress. But the part I'm interested in is, why did she join the community?"

Rob shrugged his shoulders, he had an idea, but Cathy was the expert.

"Because any attention she got, even negative, was positive in her eyes. She was always neglected, and we hear a lot about abused children these days. Helena was abused, too, by her parents; not sexually, not physically, but they were mentally very cruel to her, extremely cruel. Try to imagine what it is to grow up in a house, with everything that you want, but without motherly love. It is almost unimaginable, but her mother was more interested in parties, going out and living the life that SHE wanted, than to take care of her child. Oh, she was taken care of, by nannies and so on. But always second-hand love."

Cathy paused for a moment. Rob's eyes now had tears in it. He thought of a neglected child. In his mind he had a vision of a little girl in a large playroom, sitting on a hobbyhorse, back and forth, back and forth, crying for her mum, who never came...

"I believe she was drawn into that playground, just for a try, enjoyed a scene and was comforted afterwards. I think that she felt for the first time in her life that she had found something that made her feel 'loved'. A strange love, from strangers, but a young woman, who always was neglected, had found a way to even have a sexual release, without being drawn towards a marriage. For Helena it was the perfect solution. Mind you, these are my thoughts. I can be completely wrong, but based on what I've seen..."