The Struggle Ch. 05b

"And when would this have happened?"

"I'm almost certain in her early twenties. Her parents died when she was 20 years of age. She would have a period of grief, and in or right after that period she must have become exceptionally impressionable. She must have known someone who told her about the lifestyle, and she got curious. Something like that."

"That makes sense," Rob admitted.

"We mustn't forget that after her parents died, she was the heir to their fortune. She was under siege by 'admirers' ,read fortune seekers, and although she didn't tell me, she must have been hurt - a lot.

We all have our share of hurting," she was silent for a few moments. "I have never told you why I still am single, have I? I , too, was hurt. I was almost married and then I found out he was having an affair with my best friend. I presume you can imagine my pain. Thereafter I didn't date for a long time. Until I met a wonderful man - or better said - I thought he was a wonderful man. He kept me on at tight leash and because I already had had a bad experience, I used a detective agency to find out the truth about him. He appeared to be married, even had children! I, the psychiatrist, am a bad judge of character when love is around. So I gave up on men."

She took a large sip of her whiskey, and then another and another. She swallowed it all, clearly she needed it. Tears were forming in her eyes, and Rob knew it wasn't from the whiskey. "Another fill?" he asked.

"Yes, please."

Rob filled her glass, while Cathy wiped the tears from her face.

"Sorry about that. All those memories came back."

"We all have our share, like you said," Rob commented.

She watched his friendly face, tears were still forming in her eyes and then she kissed him tenderly. Rob felt her wet cheek against his and he kissed her back. He put one arm around her and pulled her towards him. Her head rested on his shoulder.

While they were sitting like that, Cathy went on with her story. "After these men, these bastards, I refused to have a serious relationship. I had dates, but only for the sex and then, after a couple of weekends, I let them know I had found 'somebody else'. It wasn't true, but I was just afraid to be hurt again, and before I would get too involved with a man again, I said goodbye."

"And when did you become a Mistress?"

"Funny. I never thought that I would become one. I always had a fantasy, of a man in chains, completely in my power, and I could do anything to him. Make him crawl to my feet, kiss my toes, and I would push him back with my heels, laughing, those kinds of things. And he would make me come, and again, and again. I had done some research about BDSM during my school years, and even wrote a dissertation about the subject. Of course female power stood central in my thesis." She chuckled. "You should have seen the faces of my professors when I presented and defended it."

"Thus, after you wrote about it, you became one?"

"Yes. I went to meetings, spoke to a lot of people and discovered that I really could fulfill my fantasy. That was a real revelation, mainly to myself. For a time I was really hooked. Later on it became boring. I wasn't really fulfilling my fantasy. You know, I discovered that my fantasy was not about just a man, but about the most important man in my life. The one to grow old with. Someone like you, Rob." She watched his face, when she said these words. "Could you be that man?"

Rob felt confused. "I.." he stuttered. "I'm married to Helena. She wants those things, too. You know, I would do all these things you described out of love, but not because I'm expected to do these things. There is a difference. I found this out about myself after I had my latest session with Michelle. Although I went along with her demands, it didn't do anything for me. I like her, but I don't love her. I do love Helena."

"And me?"

"I do love you, Cathy. I'll always have a special place for you in my heart. I think it's very well possible to love several persons, special persons, at the same time. I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to lose Helena, either."

Cathy sat right up. "Can you hear yourself speaking?"

"Ehh, yes. I know what you mean. But I never said that I didn't love her anymore. I do love her! That's why it hurts so much. I can't get rid of that vision in which she was jerking off that guy!"

"Rob! Look at me!" Cathy used her Mistress voice. It was a sharp, demanding voice. She knew she had to penetrate his mind, burn the vision out, make it appear in another kind of view.

"Helena loves you. She doesn't love that man. I won't go too far to presume she doesn't even know who he is, because he was an old friend, he and his wife, but there was no love involved. Not like she has with you, or me..."

She handed him his glass, and took her own. "Drink!" she commanded. They both took a firm sip, and put the glass down on the table.

"I won't say it's easy to forget, but take it from me: it didn't do anything for her. It was a reward, nothing more, nothing less. I've done it myself several times, as a Mistress. Do you think I was in love with all of them? Of course not. Don't forget it's a sexual game, but still a game. We Mistresses are aroused, yes, we reach a 'high' sometimes, but not often. The real 'high' we usually receive are only with the ones we really care for, like we had with you. I doubt that the scene did anything for her. It was probably more like a duty to her. She owned that space, right? She probably has to be there, her duty, imposed on herself. She has a good heart, and maybe some people take advantage of her. This could be such a case. She probably had promised to do a duo with Marion, and it happened that you were there. From what I heard from Helena is that it was a one-time occasion, usually she just talks to people, but once in a while she is acting as a Mistress. And she kept it a secret. Her oldest friend Elisa doesn't know anything about it, I'm sure. Elisa is enough a woman of the world and she would not have judged Helena, if she had known. I'm certain she didn't know, either."

Rob remembered the talk he had with Elisa. "So you have also spoken to her, at the wedding?"

"Yes. I wanted to know all about Helena and I took my chance by talking to some of her friends. Elisa was perfect, because she knew Helena the longest. Now of course it appears not the most accurate information..."

"She fooled everybody."

"Yes. It became a second nature for her. All these years she must have had a double-life, one for the outside world and one for her inner-circle of BDSM friends."

Rob just nodded.

"So long before she knew you, she was part of the BDSM community. I think what she was doing to that man was done without thinking. It was part of her life for such a long time. She is around 50 years old?"

"Yes."

"That means, presumably if we are making the correct conclusions, that she has been into BDSM for over 25 years. That is a very long time. And even if she hasn't, I would guess that she has been a Mistress for at least ten years or more. She didn't tell me that, you have to believe me, but that's what I assume."

"I think you are right. But what has that got to do with me?"

"Like I said: she did jerk that man off, right? I think it was second nature to her, that man did his utmost best to please her, and she gave him a hand job. No more, no less. Key word, without thinking."

"And now you are saying that I have to forgive her for that?"

"Yes. She does, however, have to make it right with you for not being completely honest from the start. I cannot make you feel better about that problem; I can't solve it either. I agree however with Helena, that you probably wouldn't have married her, knowing that she was/is a Mistress and that you would have to become her sub regularly. Would you?"

"No. Absolutely not. Not after what Jenny did to me. The moment she would have told me, the last thing she would have seen of me was a cloud of dust." He chuckled. Cathy grinned too.

"She should have told you after a while, when she and you felt really comfortable with each other. That is what she should have done."

"Should have, could have, but she didn't. And what's in it for you, Cathy?"

"For me? A promise given by you," she softly spoke, pulling up her black dress a bit.

Underneath she wore a black slip, the lace was showing and covered her long legs in dark hose and high heels. She was elegantly dressed, as always. Nothing too fancy, as Rob remembered, but tasteful. Like Helena, he mused. She played with his mind, he knew.

"How was she, after you spoke to her?" he asked; in spite of his anger he was worried about her.

Cathy immediately noticed his change in mood. "She is fine, under the circumstances. She admitted to me she had done you a wrong, by not telling you all. But she really is desperate, once again. In the short time you two have been together you surely have a lot of ups and downs." She sighed. "She told me that this time it's different. You were cool to her, and that is what she really feared. And that she is so very much afraid that you will leave her."

This analysis of feelings, both from him and Helena, was exactly the reason Rob feared Cathy's arrival from the start. Was she here to speak about and for Helena? Or was it to keep him to his promise, when he had been asked if he would give her a child - if possible? Probably both. He was confused when asked this question - to become a father - by Michelle, the morning before his wedding to Marion and Helena. He had considered it for a long time, because he knew neither Helena nor Marion could give him a child, but Cathy was still young enough, and they were very much attracted to each other. Helena had encouraged him to say yes, she wanted them to have a child and by making the same kind of arrangement as Marion had, they would be legally bound. He had promised to do so. That way Helena could have her 'own' child.

"She should be afraid. She is right. I have told her exactly that!"

"Rob, Helena and you are made for each other. I have seen a lot of couples in my practice, but never have I seen the love you guys have. That you even thought that she was committing adultery is preposterous; it's just not possible. I don't think she was a virgin when you met her, but I doubt that she had been with a man for at least 10 years. And I also truly believe that when she was doing the scene, she was just imagining it was you who she whipped."

"So much love for an imaginary me, that she jerks him off," he snapped.

"I understand completely that it was a shock to you: to see the woman you love the most, being with another man, kissing him and even using her hands to make him come, although they were gloved. I only can imagine the pain you felt, because I must admit, although I too was deceived, I never actually saw the adultery. I just found out about it. On the other hand you have witnessed something that could be called adultery, but it wasn't. It really wasn't. Not because I say so, but because it was part of a scene. But I understand you have to digest what you have seen; you have to give this a place in the relationship you have with Helena, and finally, you have to be the one to give her absolution. Nobody else can do that. Only you feel what you feel, I understand it, but I cannot make you feel better. I can explain it, still you won't feel better from that alone. It's a process." Rob tried to interfere during her monologue, but then decided to just let her speak. He knew she was right, but not in all the things. He then spoke.

"You cannot make me believe that the sex she has, is just with any man. I know her well, and she doesn't let just somebody lick her pussy or that she just wacks off anyone. It had to be someone special - and that is the point of my anger. She allows other men intimately in her life. That is what hurts me; that is what I do not understand. And that is what I see as a betrayal, her forsaking the vow she gave me and she lost my trust. And THAT I cannot forget, neither forgive, not right now....."

Cathy read between the lines, she recognized a lot of things: his love and therefore, his grief and his hurt. She kissed him on his lips. "Nobody licked her pussy. And try to forgive her. Let her pay for it, but don't give up on her. She is worth fighting for, you are both worth fighting for. After all your troubles you have had in the past, you can endure this. Helena is learning also. Like I told you: after she had met you, she hardly went to that place, and well, at least she said so, and I do believe her. Look how happy she is with you! This was an exception. Rob, she really never loved any other man, nor did she have intercourse. I truly believe her. She simply wasn't and isn't interested in other men. She has you!"

Cathy got emotional after her speech, again she had tears in her eyes.

"Does she know that you are here?"

"Yes, of course. She asked me to. And to remind you of the promise you made us."

Rob was shocked. "Under these circumstances, you want us, she wants us, to make a child?"

"Yes dear. I do so want to carry your child. We both want it, because it is the logical continuation of our family. We are still a family: you, Helena, Marion, me and our baby - if we are allowed to have one."

"So you really want to set this in motion?"

"Of course. Nothing really has changed. I want your child. You and I have no quarrel."

"No, we have not," Rob nodded.

"But we are not connected either," he went on. "What are your thoughts about that?"

"Well," Cathy answered, "The moment I'm expecting, we should make our relationship official, don't you think?"

"Why shouldn't I just divorce her and Marion, and start a family with you?"

"No! First of all, our marriage would be based on a lie. The grounds for divorce are not adultery. I've explained, and you agreed. You do however have to settle things, but not to seriously consider a divorce. If you would do that, I will reconsider my commitment to you. Secondly: I want the whole package. I want you, but Helena and Marion too. I admit, I have a kinky streak into me, I am bisexual and with this marriage I get everything. You may think of me being selfish; so be it. And lastly, if we would be together, just you and me, don't you think it would be a little bit boring? You have tasted another life. You will have to give that up. I think you can, for now. But in the long run? No, Rob, it is all, or nothing. For your and my sake."

Rob stood up, walked to the kitchen and refilled his glass of water. He swallowed half of it immediately and took the glass back to the living room. His mind worked at top speed. He knew Cathy was working on his conscience and he had to think things over.

When he came back into the room, he was almost shocked to see that Cathy had unpacked her bag and that she was sitting in a flimsy black nightgown. It did not cover the black merry widow she was wearing underneath with attached stockings.

"I was prepared to stay with you, Rob, and maybe start to fulfill the promise you made me. I want us to start making a baby."

"I see. Don't I have anything to say about this anymore?"

"No!" She laughed out loud. "You should have seen your face when you entered the room. I almost could read you: surprise, horniness and then suspicion. Just enjoy the ride Rob. Whatever happens: you and I will start making a new future. One thing though." She stood up and grabbed her purse out of her bag. She opened it and took out a small white box.

She went on her knees in front of Rob. Rob thought she wanted to give him a blowjob and said "Sorry. No blowjob. I want to make love to you, not just to have sex."

"I know. I want the same. Rob, give me your hand!" She was still on her knees and opened the box.

"Rob, I'm not old fashioned, I'm a modern woman who knows what she wants. From the first moment we met, I knew I wanted you. You asked me first and I said yes. But under the current circumstances I want to ask you again and now I want you to make up your mind: do you want to marry me?" She looked at him with a soft smile on her lips and took his hand. Rob looked down on her beautifully made-up face, her tiny nose, her ruby-red lips, her dark eyes and her long blond hair. She was stunning and she was asking him to marry her.

"I will marry you." He went down on his knees too and kissed her tenderly. "But I'm still married to Helena."

"And you will stay married to her. I want the same arrangement as Marion, the same rights and more: I want to be the mother of your child, our child."

He held her face between his hands and kissed her again. "So, you have thought this over. Does Helena know you want this?"

"Yes and no. I think she will totally agree with this. In fact, she will understand that this is an opportunity to reconcile with you."

"Hmm....does she." Rob was thinking and stood up. He helped Cathy to her feet as well and dragged her to the couch, where he took her onto his lap and started kissing again.

"Wait a moment Rob." Cathy still had the little box and opened it. She took out a golden ring. It was a ring like Marion had given him, with one green stone on it. The stone was inlaid in the golden ring, unlike women's rings, which usually have the stone on top.

"Do you like it?" she asked Rob, while putting the ring on his finger.

He was astonished at her gesture, she had just put her ring on his finger, she had asked him to marry her Suddenly all his objections against the scheme just melted away, in part because he realized that this had been planned by Cathy for a while. Cathy must have had this ring for a long time, it wasn't something you just buy on a whim. Now she was using this ring to persuade him to go back into the lives of Helena and Marion, she must have known that he could not resist her sincerity. Cathy had always treated him well, always stayed in the background and never asked for favors. The only thing she asked for was that she wanted to be officially connected to Helena and him, and that touched him in its sincerity.

"One more thing." Again, Cathy reached into her purse and took out two more rings. "I want you to wear these again. I want you to be aware that you are committed to two other women as well. You, too, made vows. I want you to promise to try to reconcile with Helena and to talk things over. There are issues between the two of you, but nothing worth the grief you both have by being apart. So let's make love tonight, but in a good mood. I want you to be mine, and it would please me even more if we are part of our family. Can you do that? Is it possible for you to try forgive her, and to reconcile?"

Reluctantly Rob took the rings from Cathy and shoved them on his other finger, the ring finger. The ring from Cathy was on his engagement finger.

"Hmm, I don't even like to wear rings, now I have three," he muttered.

Cathy just smiled. She knew she had won the first battle and removed some of his resistance.

"Do you mind if I tell Helena the good news?"

"What do you mean?"

"That we are officially engaged and that you accepted my marriage proposal."

"I did, didn't I?" He thought for a few moments. This devilish woman had put a spell on him. His defenses were completely gone. He looked at Cathy, who innocently watched his face. She could almost read him like a book. That is always the trouble with a psychiatrist as a friend, no, as future wife.

"Maybe I have second thoughts," he started. He didn't want to give in that easily. "You know, you can easily play with my feelings. You have to promise me that you will act as a normal person with me and not as a doctor. If I only even suspect you are using your skills to play with my mind, it will have consequences. Don't do that with me, Cathy, I beg you. I know you can't shut it off completely, but please be human with me."