There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 03

"You slip sometimes too."

"You do not slip. You use it as a normal part of your speech pattern. You will cease and desist immediately. You are getting paid to work and you will get punished for not speaking properly. I have to change you from the rebellious teenager your mother needed you to be, into a young woman of breeding. I have to break a habit that has been a part of your nature for many years. If I have to, I will have Roz tutor you in the English language, and believe me that woman knows the English language. You should see her in action, with Rod. She corrects his legal terminology. He never gets angry with her; because he knows she is correct. She gets a kick out of it, when she sees his face turns red."

"Can I speak to Roz about this?"

"Go right ahead, because I have already spoken to her about you."

"I should have kicked you before we got home."

"Do you remember what I said to you when we first met? You said, 'You were going to hit me. I told you to go ahead, because I was going to hit you in return. You replied I wouldn't hit a girl. I said, 'Do you want to bet?' You must remember, little one, my shoes are bigger than yours, and I weigh seventy pounds more than you do. I will hurt you, more than you will hurt me."

"Uncle Even, the first time I saw you I thought you were a nerd. I'm beginning to think that you are a vindictive nerd. You are just angry with me, because I blew up three years of your work."

"You are incorrect, my niece. I believe that was one of the proudest days of my life. It showed me that my sister was as smart as I knew she was, and she taught you very well. I told peach, pear, apple, and grape that you were something very, very special. Since that day you have proven me correct. Now all you have to do is learn to speak properly among your peers, speak Mandarin Chinese in two weeks, and then we can get on with your testing. You are going to blow the testing average out of the water. They are going to need to develop a new scale, when you get done testing."

"How am I supposed to stay angry with you Uncle Even, when you say such nice things about me?"

"We will see how nice you think I am, when you are typing out my work, and learning Mandarin Chinese at the same time."

"Uncle Even that's a fucking impossibility, it just can't be done."

I got up from my chair and went into the pantry. I took out an empty pretzel canister and put it in the center of the table. I looked at my niece and said, "Starting tomorrow, that will be ten dollars young lady."

"I'm sure you told Rod about this already."

"Would I do something like that to you?"

"You bet your ass you would."

"That would be another ten dollars young lady."

"Ten dollars for saying the word ass; I could've been talking about a donkey."

"In that case, use the word donkey, or mule, those would be acceptable."

"Uncle Even how would you like your computer, broiled or sunny side up?"

"You wouldn't hurt that computer if I tied you to the ceiling fan and hit the on switch. You love it as much as I do. As a matter of fact, my dear lady, you get angry with it because you are finding it too slow."

"I never said that with you around."

"If the door to the basement is open, your voice travels to the attic when you yell. When you say to the computer, "What are you doing, carrying a cement truck with you," some people laugh."

I called IBM to see if there was anything in the works to make it go faster. The head of IBM's systems department said they haven't learned how to break the speed of light yet, but they are working on it. I think he was messing with me."

Delicious smiled, "Give me a year uncle, I'll figure it out."

"Heck, I thought you would do it in six months."

Delicious closed the distance between us, and hugged me. "Uncle Even, I have a feeling you better start paying me in ten dollar bills. Mom started teaching me to talk like this when I was twelve. I'll be seventeen in two weeks; it won't be easy to break that habit."

"I could always buy a stun gun, and zap your behind every time you say a bad word."

"Thank you Uncle Even, but I think ten dollars per word will be less painful in the long run."

"I could have Rod come over, and give him the gun. He would be delighted to inflict punishment upon your person. It might even go off accidentally a dozen or more times."

"Rod will never come near me again, after he comes home from the vasectomy. His children will have him running for Utah."

"What is it with you and Rod? Roz told me he is like the brother you never had."

"It could be, or it could be because he is so easy. I have never seen anyone walk into so many traps without seeing them first. Can you imagine him seeing me in the jury pool and him without any more peremptory exemptions? He would die."

"Come here Delicious, let me check your head for horns."

"There are none. I have had more fun in the last few weeks thanks to you, Rod and Roz then I've had in the last five years. I don't know if I will ever be able to repay that debt."

"Family does not have debts with one another. That's why they call us a family. Let's go downstairs and get some work done."

"You think you are so smooth Uncle Even. You are trying to make me forget what happened today. I know what happened. I felt your love for my mother. I will never let her go, but I know she is loved, safe, and at piece with us."

"Little girl, don't start me crying. I have been very good today. If I start crying now, I won't be able to stop."

"They say that crying is good for the soul. Why do you have to hold it in?"

"I didn't do enough in my sister's lifetime to deserve to cry after she died. She deserved much better than she got in life. I stood around with everything, and I deserted her when she needed me the most. I will never forgive myself for that error in judgment."

"My mom kept saying no to every one of your offers Uncle Even. What else were you supposed to do?"

"I could have gone up to your father, offered him $10 million to divorce your mother. If he wanted $50 million I could have given it to him, as long as he would have let her go. I just didn't do enough to help your mother. I was too stupid, and too afraid to go against her will. I didn't understand with all your father's girlfriends, and all his philandering, why he didn't leave her. It was like he lived just to torment her. I could've taken care of that in one of many ways, and I didn't do any of them."

**********

For the first time, Delicious opened the security gates, and let postal worker drive up to the front of the house. She signed for the express mail delivery. As the truck exited she closed both gates. Since the package was addressed to her she opened it, and watched as her GED diploma, and Colorado driver's license slid on to the counter. She screamed so loud the house shook to its foundation.

It was only 9:15 AM, but she charged up the stairs and into my bedroom. She rolled up my shades, and opened my blinds, letting the dazzling morning sunshine into my room. She screamed, and jumped on my bed, "Uncle Even get up, I fucking graduated high school."

I had been up for a short time, because of her initial scream. I was unhappy when she let the light into my room. But when she jumped onto my bed and used that word I smiled.

"Congratulations you darling girl, and high school graduate, it will cost you ten for that word. You can come back up here after you put it into the jar."

"God dammit Even, don't you realize how great this is?"

"Yes I do you wonderful little person, that will cost you another ten dollars. Would you like to go for thirty dollars?"

"You are not playing fair Uncle Even. This is the best news I have ever received, and you are punishing me for it."

"If you listened to what I said, you would know you are wrong. I congratulated you for graduating high school. I told you it was a wonderful thing. I punished you for using foul language. I warned you about that yesterday. Would you like to continue using foul language or would you like to act like a young lady is supposed to act?"

"I am going to take a shower Uncle Even. I am going to scream, curse, bitch, and use every foul and disgusting word I know, while you can't hear me. I will also get clean, while the water is running. I will make sure not to leave any hot water for you. I hope you freeze."

"I had hoped you would remember that I have an unlimited supply of hot water."

"Oh fuck, you get the hot water from the spring."

"Guess what Delicious, you did it again. That will be thirty dollars into the container; would you like to go for forty dollars?"

"I'm going to take a shower now. I don't like you, I don't like your rules, I don't like your inferences, and I don't like your computer. I will fix it myself."

"Don't you dare play with my computer." He was talking to dead air, because she was out of the room before he finished his sentence.

I decided I could play this game too. I hopped out of bed, went to my desk, and got out my miniature recorder. I listened for the shower to start, pressed record, and left it by her bathroom door. I walked to the basement, and went to the pipes that fed the hot water systems. I closed both the main and auxiliary hot water feeds. I knew it would take about one minute for the systems to purge itself of hot water, so I leisurely walked up the stairs, stood by the stairwell that led to the second floor, and waited. Thank goodness for the tape recorder, because I could not possibly count all the invectives that came out of her mouth in the next minute. I don't believe ninety percent of them are in Webster's Collegiate Dictionary.

"Uncle Even, you no good cock sucking, ass hole licking, corn holing bastard. Your ass is mine."

I won't bore you with the rest of her tirade because it went on until she opened the bathroom door, with only a towel wrapped around her, and soap in her hair. She saw me standing at the bottom of the stairwell, holding my sides, and laughing hysterically. She was not amused.

"You know this means war you prick. I couldn't get the soap out of my eyes the water was so fucking cold."

I said, "I am going to turn the hot water on so you can finish your shower. Then I'm going to tabulate all of the inappropriate words you used during your tirade. I believe you are going to be using next weeks' salary to feed the pretzel jar."

Delicious' face was scarlet. "If you know how to do it Uncle Even; go fuck yourself."

"Niece Delicious, I believe you just started on the following weeks' salary."

"I'm not going anywhere, are you?"

"If you tell that to Rod, he will die of depression."

"I'll find Rosalynn a good Jewish boy, and get him clipped before she gets in bed with him. She doesn't need any more children."

"You are going to cause Father McAuley a heart attack. First Rosalynn marries a Methodist, and now you're going to have her marry a Jewish boy. McAuley is going to think she's anti-Catholic men."

"Do you think Rosalynn's mother would have missed her only daughters' wedding, if she had not been ordered to her husband? Mother's and a daughter's are attached at the hip. She would have been there if she had to walk."

"Finish your shower; you're dripping on my hardwood floors."

"Who gives rats..."

I applauded as she held back from the use of an inappropriate word.

I could see her fuming at me from twenty feet above.

"If I had a baseball, softball, tennis ball, basketball, or anything round Uncle Even, your ears would be ringing right now."

"I didn't know you liked playing sports. I can send you the YMCA camp in town. You can play with the other little children."

That did it, and I knew it would.

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

I stuck my head around the corner, and looked up at her. "Oh, you like riding horses also?"

Something happened upstairs, I could see it in her body language. "I am such a fucking idiot. You played me, and I fell for it. I don't like you Uncle Even. You had me act like Rod, while you played me. You goaded me, and made me fall into every trap I laid for him. As I got more and more angry, I made more mistakes and fell into more traps. Very cute you monster; you are smarter than that dumb computer downstairs."

"It took you long enough to realize what I was doing. How did it feel being on the other side?"

"Okay, it was not fun. Are you ordering me to ease up on him?"

"I hope never to have to order you to do anything. I want you to use your own good judgment. You have to learn where to draw the line between having fun, and being offensive. I don't believe you've crossed that line yet, but I don't want you to either. Would you please finish your shower, and put some clothes on, that towel is getting shorter than your miniskirt."

"Well one thing you know for sure, there is nothing underneath the towel. You will never know for sure if there was anything underneath the miniskirt."

"I don't care either way; I don't want to see what's under there."

"Mom used to say, 'If you've seen one you've seen them all."

"As you know I saw your mother's, so I don't have to see yours, or anyone else's."

*********

The new bedroom set arrived Thursday afternoon, and by the time Delicious had the men set the bedroom up the way she wanted it, they moved it seven times. As they left his house, Even tipped the men handsomely. He told them the story about her buying the furniture. After hearing the story, the furniture men wished him luck with her living in his house.

As soon as the front gates were closed, Delicious called out, "Uncle Even could you come up here for a moment?"

I walked into her bedroom and it looked absolutely idyllic. The furniture fit perfectly. It blended into the room perfectly, and from the bed skirt, sheet set, comforter, and duvet everything she picked out was magnificent. Unfortunately, I am a man, and I made a man's mistake; I told her how gorgeous it was.

She cried out, "It's so ordinary."

"What do you mean it's ordinary? I have never seen anything more perfect for a teenager in my entire life."

"How many teenage girls' rooms have you been in? This looks like a bedroom for a forty-year-old spinster. I'm going to have to return everything and start all over again."

I don't know why, but suddenly I felt like a fish with a hook protruding from its mouth, and a young woman named Delicious was holding a string ready to set it in my jaw. I decided to play along.

"Since you're not happy, and your happiness is the only thing I care about, let's wrap everything up as carefully as possible. We will start making the returns with the things that you purchased here in Idaho Springs. I will call the furniture company tomorrow and make arrangements for them to come back Monday to pick up the furniture. Our new cars are due here the same day, and we can take one of them for a ride into Denver Tuesday. We can make some returns while we are there. We can look for a new bedroom set, and stop at Wendy's for lunch. How does that sound?

"How did you know Uncle Even? What gave it away?"

"You played your cards to soon my dear. Not enough time had passed between my gambit and yours. This room is too perfect for you not to like it. I wouldn't care if it were for an eighty-year-old teenager or for a rambunctious soon to be seventeen-year-old. You did a magnificent job, and you should be proud of yourself. If you fail at math, you could always become an interior designer."

"Thank you, Uncle; it's always nice to know I have a second career to fall back on."

"You also have a third career to fall back on. You are extraordinarily beautiful young woman, and you could become a model; as long as they start from the neck down."

I ran out of her room, down the two flights of stairs into the lab. She was about twenty feet behind me, because she started throwing pillows and knickknacks at me first. I still had to work on her language skills, but that would come with time.

By the time she reached me, 'Big Even' was running at full speed, and I was pointing at her position.

"You cheat to get an advantage every time we argue Uncle Even."

I laughed at her, "I have to cheat, because my niece tells me I am becoming old and feeble."

"Wrong; you are old and feeble."

"I'm having trouble remembering how much I pay you per hour, because I am old and feeble. Was it fifteen dollars an hour or ten dollars an hour?"

"It is five dollars per hour Uncle Even. However, there is a new way to tell time. It is called, "Delicious Time." Every dash is a mini. Five minis equal in increment. There are twelve increments in each circumference of the clock. This makes my base rate of pay, without bonuses, or over time, $60 per circumnavigation of the clock."

She looked at me with an evil grin on her face.

I had an equally huge grin on my mind. She had taken my reduction in her salary in stride. Without batting an eyelash, she turned my reduction in her salary, and given herself a race of $20 per hour.

I laughed. "Delicious if you were my sister, I would be all over you now, tickling you without mercy. That was a wonderful piece of work, and you did it without breaking a sweat. I am extremely proud of you."

"Can I take my money out of the jar now?"

"No you cannot. You know the rules, and I expect to be a rich man next Thursday morning at breakfast."

"Would you like to add another $100 to that bet?"

"What is it with you and your $100 bets?"

"I don't know, but I haven't lost a $100 bet yet."

"Well, there's always a first time, and this is going to be it. I will put my $100 underneath the pretzel jar tonight. I expect to see yours there by morning."

"Why, I'm good for it; I'm gainfully employed."

"Have you called to find out the price of your automobile insurance? Have you seen the price of gasoline, oil changes, and putting air into your tires?"

"They do not charge you for putting air into your tires."

"They don't? Every time I bring my car in to be serviced, the charge me."

"That's because you are fucking idiot."

"I got you again little girl. That'll be ten dollars please."

"I don't like you Uncle Even."

"If you would keep up with the times Niece Delicious, the reason they charge me for putting air in the tires. It's not air; its nitrogen. It's colder than air, and it's lighter than air, and it makes your tires run cooler and last longer."

"How was I supposed to know that; I don't own a car?"

"I will teach you everything you ever wanted to know about automobiles when they get here."

"Can I just read the owner's manual, please?"

"That's what I normally do. I just thought we could do it together."

"You are some piece of work Even."

"Yes, I know."

***************

9. Tricks and Road Trips

By Sunday morning Delicious was writing out little pieces of paper with the number ten on them in exchange for $10 bills. She would have to repay the pretzel jar when she got paid. It was to the point she was mumbling to herself every time she did it. She even put paper in the jar when she slipped in private as a matter of pride. She would look at me with hate and her eyes, look at the $100 bills sitting under the jar, turn, scream, and walk away.

Today was not a workday for us. Sunday I downloaded everything from the computer, put it on magnetic disks, and stored them in a vault. Delicious was so bored she did not know what to do with herself, until I received a phone call on my cell. When I hung up I looked at her and said, "You won't be bored for long. My friends have sent you your Chinese lessons. You will be tested every Saturday at 6 PM. Each session is marked, no excuses will be accepted. Also, there will be no falloff in your work for me, or your pay will be reduced."