There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 03

"Uncle Even that's gross."

"Delicious the point is you will never have to depend on anyone for anything ever again. You will never have to touch that money as long as I am alive. Let it sit there and grow. Now is the time for you to begin to grow also, and start behaving like a normal seventeen-year-old young woman. You just graduated high school, go have some fun."

"You don't want much from a girl who lost everything seven weeks ago, do you Uncle Even?"

"Beautiful girl, what I want is irrelevant. You should strive for what you want out of life. Besides dreaming about being sexually active one day, what else did you dream about being while you were stuck being a person you weren't?"

"I know you are going to continue using sexual innuendos in every sentence, until next Friday, so I am going to ignore them, because it is a sign of your diminishing mental capacity. However, while I was locked away I always remember with Doctor Werner von Braun said when he retired from NASA as far as our rockets are concerned. "We will never reach the stars if we continue using liquid to fuel our rockets." He said that almost 40 years ago and we are still using Liquid Hydrogen, with a Liquid Oxygen exciter. 40 years and not one-step forward in propulsion drive to get us off this planet. That's what I want to do. I want to change that."

"I think it was absolutely wonderful that you can keep thoughts of sex, and bouncing around on the moon going on in your head at the same time. It shows you that your teenage brain is functioning normally. All you have to do now is let one part of you catch up with the other."

"You make it sound so easy Uncle Even."

"That is the reason you are meeting Duncan in a safe atmosphere. He will not try anything and you can't relax, talk, and dance."

"I hope you are right, otherwise I am going to put him down."

"You are not going to give that boy a blow job on your first date."

She hit me in the chest with a right cross and I staggered backward.

"Uncle Even, you are disgraceful. I said I was going to put him down, not go down on him."

"It must be the battery in my hearing aid. My niece keeps telling me that I'm old and feeble."

"You're full of horse poop Uncle Even!"

"Damn, I was sure the pretzel jar was going to get another ten dollars out of that one."

"Someone once told me 'that in life, always expect the unexpected."

"Whoever it was sounds like a pretty smart fellow."

"He reminds me of it every day, hundreds of times a day."

"You better hang around this person, he really knows what he's talking about."

"I'm going to need an industrial size bullet to break open that old Windbag."

"You are supposed to be nice to the elderly, and the infirm."

"Stop it, Uncle Even, I'm running out of elderly jokes."

"Just think, after you go down on Duncan, you'll know more."

"I am not going down on Duncan. I said I was going to put him down."

"I wonder if my old camera still works?"

Delicious screamed, as I ran around the lab. She was right on my heels this time and there was no getting away from her this time. I did the only thing the smartest person in the room could do; I dropped a set of car keys on the floor. Two feet continued running as fast as they could, while the two other feet stopped instantly.

She yelled, "This doesn't mean you're getting away with anything Uncle Even. I will find a way. Retribution will be mine."

I got into my elevator, and started up to the main floor. I yelled, "Dummy, the quotation is, Vengeance is mine says the Lord."

Delicious screamed back at me, "It still means you are going to get your ass kicked Mister."

I was at the front door, on my way to my new car, and I yelled, "That's $10 please, I'm going for lunch. I'll see you later."

I didn't wait for reply. I punched the button on my remote to find out which Q7 was mine, and ran for it. I opened the door to get in, as Delicious ran out of the house.

I yelled, "Don't forget to lock up."

I smiled because her reply cost her thirty dollars. She turned, and walked back into the house. She walked out moments later, locked both deadbolts, and put the keys in her purse.

I backed out of my parking space and waited for her to pass me by. I knew she was livid, and I enjoyed that feeling greatly. Watching her grow up was going to be a pleasure.

She passed my open window with a sullen look on her face, and said as loud as she could, "I HATE CHEATERS."

I opened the first gate and started moving slowly towards it. As my open window faced hers I yelled, "Don't Forget, Give Duncan A Kiss For Me."

Her tires left rubber in reverse.

I smoothly moved my car in to the second gated area and closed the first. She was behind me, with her head out the window, advising me of the bones in my body that would remain unbroken. When she finished, the orbital bones of my eyes remained intact. Whoever taught her human physiology had done a very inclusive job.

I opened the front gate, and watched the posts descend into the ground. I attempted to miss the potholes, but was unsuccessful, as usual. I waited for her at the stop sign at Spring Gulch Road. She pulled up alongside she said, "I'm hungry, where are we going for lunch?"

She never ceases to amaze me. She could be angry with me for a dozen reasons, all of them vital to her interest. However, when she was hungry that was all that mattered. Everything else could be taken care of later. Her brain was now focused on one thing: FEED ME!

We had a sushi restaurant in Idaho Springs she liked a lot. However, every time she walked into the restaurant the chef had terror written all over his face. He became uncertain if he would have enough salmon remaining for his dinner patrons.

As my friends from the alphabet company promised, they called Saturday evening to check on her progress. After ten minutes of speaking to her on the phone they were satisfied that she was doing well.

When they spoke to me they asked if she would be ready for testing in three weeks. I told them honestly I was not sure, but to leave a space open for her just in case she was. Delicious was going to change the way they tested prospects and adjust scores when they finished with her.

They agreed to leave a space open.

*******************

Rod had to be at the Outpatient facility at 6:30 AM for his 8 AM procedure, which meant they had to leave home at 6 AM. Delicious decided to sleep over Tuesday evening, rather than get up at 5 o'clock Wednesday morning to go over to their house. She rang the doorbell and Rod opened the door and invited her in.

Delicious looked around and said, "It's me, Delicious, are you sure you want me to come in?"

Rod replied, "Get in this house before I send you for the operation in the morning."

"Rod, are they doing a sex change operation on both of us? If they are, I could really get to fuck you. (She made a mental note to put $10 into the pretzel jar)"

Rod screamed. "Rosalynn, she's not in the house yet, and she started in on me."

Rosalynn rushed to the front door, pushed Rod aside, and pulled Delicious in.

"What did my husband do to you this time?"

Delicious recounted the entire discourse between the two of them and Rosalynn laughed.

"Rod, when are you going to learn not to argue with her? If she were not going to be a scientist, she would be a better Debate instructor than I was. Just think about going up against her in a court of law. Any lawyer, not only you, but the best lawyers in the country, would leave the court screaming for help."

"Are you saying I was not a good courtroom attorney?"

"Absolutely not Rod and you have proved that time and time again when you have had to defend Even and his patents. You did not give the other attorneys a chance to breathe. I sat there and watched you, and you were brilliant. I am just saying that this young woman is at the top of any list, and she is only 17 this Friday."

Delicious asked, "Did my deranged uncle tell you what he did to me for this Friday?"

Rosalynn put her arms around the young girl and said, "Yes, he did. I am coming over Friday morning, and removing all sharp instruments from your house."

"Can we talk after you bring Rod home?"

"Absolutely, the doctors say he should be sleeping for several hours after he arrives back at the house."

"Good, I will have the kids run around all morning so they are exhausted, and need a nap. It will give us some time alone."

Concerned, Rod asked, "I might be able to stay up for a little while after we get home, would you like me to sit in to give you a man's point of view?"

Delicious replied, "Thanks Rod, but I think I'd like to talk to you after I speak to Duncan. Do you have anything Sunday afternoon? The computer is down all day, and normally I am free."

"I should be fine by Sunday, so I will take you to lunch, and we can talk."

**********

Rod and Rosalynn left a little early, but Delicious was at the door to wish him good luck.

Rod looked at her and grunted. Rosalynn smacked him on the back of his head and told him to be more polite to their guest.

"It's not you Delicious, and it's not the operation, which is nothing. I can't stand the thought of someone holding onto my dick and shaving my balls. It terrifies me."

In her normal jovial tone, Delicious said, "Don't worry about it Rod, after today your balls will be useless anyhow."

As Rod tried to reach for Delicious' throat, Rosalynn stepped between them. "You have no idea how wrong you are. After you are introduced to the pleasures of sex you will find that those two magic marbles are more than just baby makers. They make men and women reach heights of sexual pleasure you have yet to dream of, and I would miss them sorely if they disappeared."

Rod put his arms around his wife and hugged her.

Delicious looked at them and realized that they were both in agreement when it came to his testes. She said to them, "I'm sorry I said that. We have to talk, because I had no idea that they had any other purpose. I didn't realize they brought pleasure to the man or the woman. I just thought they were there to produce the sperm that was needed fertilize the ovum. I feel like an idiot."

Before Rod could say a word, Rosalynn elbowed him in the stomach, and he folded in half.

"Rosalynn that was not fair. She left herself wide open, and I was just about to run through it for a touchdown."

"Yes dear, I know. However, you would never hear the end of it, as you lost argument after argument with her, for the rest of your natural life."

"What makes you think I would lose all of them?"

"Rod, I have to take you to the Doctor for a procedure. I don't want you going there sulking. Just say goodbye and we will see you later."

Rod looked at her and said, "I will see you later Delicious. Let the kids sleep as late as they want."

As she was closing the front door Delicious said, "I got your back coach. Just remember what happened at school the last time."

Rosalynn gasped when she heard Delicious' remark, but said nothing.

Rod buckled himself into the car and said out loud, "I was never her coach at school."

Rosalynn put the car in year and headed for the hospital outpatient clinic leaving her husband to mull over Delicious' latest puzzle. She had to have her bladder checked, because if she started laughing, she would have to get herself to the bathroom very quickly.

***********

By 9 AM all the children were fed, washed, brushed, and dressed. Delicious said, "Colonel Jeffrey is everyone here?"

Jeffrey responded, "Yes General Delicious, everyone is accounted for."

"Good job Colonel. Do you remember the last time I said the next game would be more fun than the last one?"

"YES!"

"Okay, here's what we have to do. Your dad's having an operation right now. There is a certain area on his body were not allowed to touch until he gets better. For practice, I'm going to put it on me. There is one thing you can do that will make him laugh. Do you see these little white balls with the red marks?"

"YES!"

"You can throw these balls and hit the area inside the rectangular target. I'm going to give each of you a bag containing 6 balls. If your ball hits inside the target area you keep your score from 1 to 6. Do you understand?"

"YES!"

"Are we ready to practice?"

"Hell yes!"

"Who said that?

Little Rod raised his hand, "ME."

"I will talk to you about your language later. Each of you pick up your package of balls, and remember, when Colonel Jeffrey says, "Play Ball," you start throwing and only the hits inside the rectangle count."

Colonel Jeffrey, I am ready.

"Troop, Play Ball." Balls went everywhere except inside the rectangle. The barrage took less than 30 seconds to complete and when Delicious looked at her amassed Army they were all dejected.

She said, "Hey guys that was only the 1^st practice. We get to do it over and over again until your dad comes home. Pick up the balls and tell me when you're ready."

Happiness regained control over five little children and one-one year old, who had no conception of what was going on. He was eating one of the foam balls and enjoying it.

"Play Ball." Another barrage of balls was thrown with the same result. The kids practiced for half an hour, with Delicious telling them how wonderful they were getting at this game. Finally, after their last practice throws Delicious called them together. She told them their father was going to be so proud of them when he walked in the door and they greeted him this way. He would put on the funniest faces they had ever seen. She would take pictures so they could look at them and laugh at them forever and ever. The children were wild with enthusiasm.

At 10:45 AM Delicious heard the car drive up, and yelled, "Colonel Jeffrey get your army ready."

The children grabbed their bags and lined up in the hallway ready to take aim at their father.

Rosalynn walked in first and knew something was wrong. There was a rectangle suspended in the middle of the entryway 2 feet off the floor, and her children will lined up like soldiers again.

She looked at Delicious, shook her head. "Oh no, not again."

Rod walked took his first step into the house. He was confused by the rectangle but fear struck him when his eldest son yelled, "Play Ball!"

He saw five baseballs coming his way. He screamed, "No," as he danced around the area trying to avoid being hit by these deadly projectiles being thrown at his groin by his children. He fell to the floor and covered himself up into a prenatal position to avoid any further damage to his body.

When the barrage was over, his 3-year-old daughter, Lily, climbed onto his body, and asked him, "Daddy was it as much fun as General Delicious said it would be?"

Rod ruffled Lilies red hair, and asked her if she had fun.

"Oh yes daddy, we practiced and practiced to get it right just for you. We wanted you to be proud of us."

"I am very proud of all of you. You put a lot of effort into learning how to do that and you did it extremely well. I think I'll take you all out for ice cream later. How does that sound?"

"That sounds like fun daddy, not as much fun as throwing the balls at you, but ice cream is fun too."

Rod yelled, "It's a beautiful day outside, I want you all out there playing."

There was a mad rush out the back of the playroom door, and Rod attempted to stand up with Rosalynn's help.

"Where is she? I'm going to kill her. I think I opened my stitches."

Delicious yelled from the kitchen, "Don't be such a wuss. I'm making coffee. You must be hungry. What would you like for breakfast, before you go to bed?"

"Pancakes would be nice."

"How many would you like?"

"3 or 4 would be filling."

"Do you want jam, jelly, or maple syrup?

"Jam please."

"Coffee is ready, how do you take it?"

"Just a little cream please

Rosalynn walked into the kitchen. "Let me give you a hand."

Delicious replied, "Go sit by the window."

"Delicious, not again; one day he is going to kill you."

"No, he enjoys this as much as I do. Go sit by the window, now."

"Oh God, please protect my house."

"Coffee is on the table."

Rod walked into the kitchen sat down, patted Rosalynn on her knee, and thanked Delicious for making his breakfast.

Delicious was walking over with a plate in her hand, when Rod took his first sip of coffee. He spit it out all over the table.

Roz asked, "What was wrong with you?"

"It's filled with sugar."

Delicious responded, "Didn't you say you liked your coffee like you like your women: Hot, Light, and Sweet."

"No, I said I like mine with the little cream."

"I'm sorry Rod I can't help you with a little cum. That's your department, or was your department."

"I am not going to get into an argument with you over that statement, Delicious. May I have my breakfast please?"

"Sure." She handed him a plate with four eggs, sunny side up, 2 pieces of toast, with maple syrup, and a small bowl of instant grits.

She started backing away from the table as his eyes rose up to meet hers.

"What did I do in my life to deserve you in it? Is there something in my past that I did that was so terribly cruel that I have to be punished here on earth and in hell for eternity also."

"Do you want to tell him Roz or should I?"

Having no idea what Delicious was talking about Roz said, "He would never believe me, so you better tell him. I'm not sure how he's going to take it."

"Roz and I have talked this over and over, and I was not going to tell you, but I think it's better to have it out in the open between you and me. However, you must never tell my Uncle Even. Julius Mark is not my father. Your father raped my mother on the trip down to Cape Cod. He kept his head covered and only said a few words while he did it. My mother scratched him deeply along the collar of his shirt, and drew blood. He took her virginity on the train, and never looked back. My mother saw the scratch marks on his neck when she returned from Cape Cod and she told him about it. She couldn't tell Even because of you. It would've ruined your relationship with each other forever."

Rod sat there with his hands on his head, and a shocked expression on his face. He looked at Roz, back at Delicious and then back at his wife. When her lip twitched, the game was up.

He pounded his fist on the table, "I am going to kill you both. You had me hook, line, and sinker, you bitches. Am I truly that gullible? Do I have a sign on me saying 'Please Kick Me.' What is going on with me?"

"Rod can I tell you something, without you getting angry with me?"

"It would be a different way for us to start a conversation, wouldn't it?"

"You're a pussy cat."

He dropped his head onto the table smashing four sunny side up eggs, maple syrup in his eyes, and grits in his left ear.

Rosalynn reached for her cell phone and started taking pictures. She was laughing so hard she fell off her chair.

"Roz, I think we will talk later. Email me the pictures, I'm going home."

*****

Post Script: I'm sorry this took so long to get to print. I was in Baltimore talking to a publishing agent who is going to represent me in my quest to get my book published. She has been in the business for 37 years, and if she likes it, I believe my chances are good.