Transformations Ch. 05

Simone saw what she was doing, so she stood up and walked to the centre of the concourse. And called out. "Zoe! It's me, Simone. I'm over here."

Zoe looked in her direction and smiled. And ran to her, flinging her arms around her friend.

"Hi, I'm Zoe! Have you been here long?"

Simone burst out laughing, tears freely trickling out the corners of her eyes. They proudly strode out of the station, hand in hand.

And that was how they met for the first time.

**

Another month passed and Zoe and Simone kept up their online relationship, but now they texted too and spoke on the phone at least once every day and always last thing at night, before bed.

Since meeting Simone in the flesh, Zoe had really fallen for her. But she had become so anxious too. She wanted her, but she had a secret and didn't want to scare her away. All she could think was, what if she changed back, one way or the other and Simone couldn't accept her anymore, for being what she was. She just didn't want to lose her.

But they were going to meet again. Simone was coming to see Zoe and she was going to meet her mother.

Zoe was waiting at the station and leapt into Simone's arms the second she got off the train.

"God, I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Zoe. I can't believe it's been a month already."

"I know, crazy isn't it!"

Zoe took Simone shopping in town first, checking out clothes in the boutiques and department stores, grabbing coffee together, sharing a cake. Then at lunch time, Mrs. Aames came and met the two girls.

"Hello, Zoe's told me so much about you."

"It's very nice to meet you, Mrs. Aames."

"Oh, Sandy, please."

"Sandy." Simone smiled.

"Zoe darling, could you nip over to the coffee stand and get me a takeaway?"

Zoe was puzzled, but went and stood in line for a coffee about ten yards away.

Mrs. Aames had deliberately sent her daughter away so she could have a moment alone with Simone.

"Simone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't know what you did for my daughter, but since she returned from meeting you that day, there's new life in her. She was receding from life and I was so desperately worried for her. But after meeting you, I got my little girl back." A genuine tear ran down Mrs. Aames' cheek. "And I just know I have you to thank for that."

Simone was overcome with emotion and had to dab away at her own tears.

"Zoe is so lucky to have you, Sandy. An understanding mother to love her so unconditionally. I wish, I wish my mother was like you."

"Mum... coffee!" Zoe returned holding a cardboard cup, with a puzzled expression on her face. What was so important that she had to have coffee all of a sudden?

"Thank you dear."

They sat down on a nearby bench and the three of them chatted away for a little while, then Mrs. Aames had to make her way back to work. "See you girls tonight. I've booked a table at Chez Henri for seven."

"Seven? Who else is coming?" Simone asked, uncertain whether she would be comfortable with that many people.

Zoe smiled. "No silly! Seven o'clock!"

Simone realised and began to blush. Mrs. Aames walked up to Simone, put her arms around her and gave her back a quick rub. "I wouldn't do that to you darling. It's bad enough just meeting the mother!"

Simone began to jiggle in Mrs. Aames' embrace and when she pulled away, both had a warm smile and a look of mutual appreciation.

"You're Mum is so nice, Zoe."

"She's the best."

"I wish my mother was... was even one quarter the person your mother is."

"Why? Don't... I'm sorry, it's not my place."

"No. I'd like to tell you Zoe, if only so you know what it could be like. Can we go somewhere?"

There was a park in the city centre that Zoe sometimes went to. It was pretty and semi secluded. Flowers and green lawns, scattered with wooden benches. Office loners would go eat their lunches there. But it was nearing two and only a few remained.

"Zoe, there's so much love between you and your mother. My mother and I barely speak. My father and I never speak. He disowned me."

"What? No!"

Simone put one hand on Zoe's and squeezed it, nodding, then proceeded to tell Zoe her life story.

"The first time I tried on my mother's clothes, I was just a kid. It wasn't sexual or fetishistic, how could it be? I didn't know about those things. I was just naturally drawn to them. I thought they were so pretty, my Mum was so elegant. I worshipped her. I was her little boy and she loved me so very much. We were always so very close. When I was young. I didn't wear her panties or her bras or anything. I didn't even know about sex or masturbation. I just wanted to look pretty like my Mum.

"Then when I hit puberty, I didn't know what I was supposed to be. I didn't hang out with boys all that much, but I found that even though I did hang out with the girls, I was never really on the inside of any of their groups.

"Boys used to make fun of me, but, I didn't let it bother me. I found myself attracted to a few of them. There was one boy in my class who had this peculiar thing, that when he laughed, he would touch you, put his hand on your arm. I fell in love with him, but I kept it secret, I didn't say anything. I didn't know it was alright to be gay. It was school, school is cruel. Be gay, it gets worse. That's just the reality.

"And it wasn't like I didn't like girls, because I did. I mean I was attracted to them too. There was this one girl who I was in love with the whole time I was in school. She was so pretty, but I was so shy around her, couldn't even speak to her, which was SO odd for me, because I spoke to girls more than I spoke to boys. Just not her.

"So I wasn't concerned because, I might not be gay, I might be fine, I might be just... something in between. But I was damned if I was going to be bullied for something I might not even be, so I used to stare at this girl in class a lot and then look away when she caught me. I would write her name in ink on my hand.Sally.

"And then, as the years went by and I got older, sometimes I would have the house all to myself. I'd be home alone, with time to spare. And I'd go into my mother's closet and just touch her clothes with my fingers, feel the silks and satins, wools and cottons. Nylons, I loved the nylons. I used to hold them to my cheek and just imagine being a girl. I think, in my heart of hearts, that's when I knew. I felt like a girl inside. Like it was what I should have been born.

"I'd read an article about how male and female brains actually looked different, under autopsy. You could place the two brains side by side and say that one's male and that one belongs to a female. But the article was about transgender people and how their brains looked like those of the opposite sex. That someone born male, yet who felt female, that person's brain was indistinguishable from an actual female brain. And I wanted someone to operate on me, take my skull apart and tell me I was female. I wanted it so much and I believed it so strongly. I just wanted to be able to tell other people that I only had the wrong body, I had the right brain.

"How I used to come home at night and fantasize that everything was sorted. I'd had to go into hospital for something and during tests, they'd scanned my brain and seen that it was female and told my parents and told the school. And all the other kids had been given notes to hand into their parents saying that Simon Edwards wasn't a boy. He had a girl's brain and from now on, he was going to come to school as a girl. Oh Zoe, it was such a fantasy of mine. I longed for it, I really did.

"And then on bath nights, the laundry hamper was in the bathroom. I would run the bath and lock the door and go in the hamper and root around for my mother's dirty clothes. Clothes that weren't really dirty, but had my mother's smell on them. I would pick them out and try them on. I didn't even put on her underwear, I just liked to dress in my mother's blouses, do up the buttons on the other side, put on her skirts, which by then, actually fitted me nicely. I would stand in the full length bathroom mirror and just twirl around to my heart's content. She even kept some of her makeup in there and I would put on some of her lipstick and try out her eye shadow and mascara.

"And then when the bath was run and up to the top, I'd strip out of her clothes and line them up on the floor next to the bath, just lie them down flat so they were in the right place and looked like a person. And I'd feel all over my body with my hands while I imagined myself in them. After that, I never thought of girls or boys much when I masturbated. I almost always thought of dressing myself up in my Mum's clothes and being a girl underneath.

"And then one day, in the bathroom, Mum was gathering up the laundry, separating it all into piles in preparation to take down to the washing machine in the kitchen. I was just rounding the top of the stairs when she saw me and I saw her. She was sniffing her clothes, taking deep breaths of them. Blouse. Skirt. Even inhaling her bra and panties which I hadn't worn. She had such a look of bewilderment on her face. And then she looked right into my eyes and stopped me dead in my tracks.

"And I knew she knew. She didn't say anything, she was my mother, she loved me and she would never embarrass me. But in that moment, I knew she knew that I was trying them on. And I stopped. Just like that. Never tried them on again, never went in her closet.

"But after that, there was always a slight edge between us. It was like she distrusted me. And rightly so, I couldn't blame her for that. And it upset me. It upset me because I was the one to hurt our relationship. She still loved me and doted on me, but we both knew, there was just something that we couldn't speak of.

"But then there was this thing that had started happening at school. People were talking and playground banter had spilled over into our parents' realm. Some people had been saying some things about me, whispers, about how I would get erections sometimes in the showers after Games. I did, it was true. But my cock was so small, it made me feel less bashful if there was a bit of length in it, that other's could see.

"Nobody had even spoken to me about sex and I just didn't see erections in front of other men as being a big no-no. But my father wasn't so understanding and took me aside one day.I want to know if you're gay, he said. Just like that, out of the blue.I don't know, Dad, maybe.

"I'm not having a gay son, he said, very matter-of-factly.You sort yourself out boy, or there'll be hell to pay.

"I was eighteen and in my last year of school. My Dad had just threatened me. And I couldn't even turn to my Mum..."

Simone broke down in tears and could no longer speak. She just began sobbing. Zoe was having to fight to hold back her own tears, but didn't hesitate to wrap her arms tightly around Simone.

Calming down, Simone brushed away her tears and composed herself once more. Taking a deep breath, she continued.

"I always got on so well with my Dad. He knew I was never into kicking a ball around. That kind of stuff just didn't matter to him. He always looked out for me, he had this instinctive way of just knowing when I was feeling awkward or uptight and he'd drop whatever he was doing and come play with me. Entertain me, no matter anyone else. I was more important. I was his son.

"But faced with me not being his son, but a... poofter in his eyes, he couldn't take that. He couldn't accept that. He wouldn't accept that. Never. He made it clear. I was not allowed to be gay and have him as my father.

"But I didn't feel gay. I just felt like I should be a woman. And a woman fancying a guy is not gay. It's not.

"So that's when I came out and said it all. Mum and Dad were in the living room. I went through my Mum's wardrobe and picked out an outfit. I put it on, I even went to the bathroom and put on her make up. And I stood at the top of the stairs for what must have been nearly an hour. I was trembling so much, knowing at any moment, one of them could come up the stairs and see me.

"But that was what I wanted too. I wanted them tosee me. Really see me, for who I was... inside.

"In the end, I just did it. I couldn't stand there anymore just shaking the way that I was. I put one foot on the next step, thinking I'm going to get half way down, turn around, run back up and take everything off and just be who they wanted me to be. A normal kid. A boy.

"But I didn't stop half way, I just kept on going. With each step, I just got stronger, empowered. I was more certain than ever in my life, that this was me, the true me.

"I stepped into the living room and just looked at them. They were both watching the TV in the dark and hadn't even seen me.Mum... Dad, I said. They turned to look at me and I don't think they could quite make me out, because it was dark in the living room except for the TV and the hallway was lit behind me. So I switched on the light, the switch was right by the side of me.

"I never heard my Dad swear in front of me, not ever. In that one moment he saw me and saw what I was wearing..."

She started crying again and Zoe wrapped her arm around her waist and squeezed hold of her.

"In that one moment, he more than made up for it. I'd never heard such filth. Such angry, vile filth, oh God Zoe, it was awful..."

Zoe was crying as much as Simone, couldn't stop herself.

"He was my Dad, Zoe. My kind, loving Dad. And then he wasn't. It was like he died, like I lost him, though in some ways it was worse. If he died as the Dad I'd always known and loved, I'd be sad, but I'd know that I loved him and he loved me. Doing what he did, hurt so much, hurt me so much. And now, he doesn't love me and I don't love him.

"It was so awkward, because I was living at home. I was still in school and my Mum wouldn't let him throw me out of the house, though I know it was what he wanted. So he ignored me. I would go to him some days and beg, or just cry.Please Daddy, love me, I would say. But he'd just get up and leave the room without even looking at me.

"But it was all out in the open now. Everyone knew. It had got around. Everyone in my family knew, cousins, uncles, aunts. People in our street, local shops. Everyone at school, teachers, pupils. They would call me names. So there was no stopping me at that point. I had nothing to lose.

"I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in Charing Cross. And for the first time Zoe, the very first time, there were people who understood me and didn't judge. They supported me, they were there for me every step of the way and I met others just like me, so many of whom had a story just like mine.

"I had a couple appointments, blood tests, a physical, but they started me on the hormones pretty quickly. I had electrolysis and so many people were willing to help me feminise myself and provide support. I knew I had done the right thing because for the first time Zoe, I wasn't living a lie."

"Oh Simone, you poor thing. I feel so desperately for you. All alone, losing your Mum and Dad like that."

"I didn't lose my mother. She was still talking to me, but quietly, behind my father's back. She would give me money and write me letters. I was living in a flat then, school was over and I was doing what they call areal life test, living 24/7 as a woman. They said that I'd need to before I could have surgery, but honestly, I wasn't thinking of surgery, not then. I just wanted to be true to myself.

"And Mum would call me when my father was out and I'd go over and see her. And she'd hold me in her arms and tell me how much she loved me."

"But, I thought you said..."

"That came later Zoe. About a year later. It was Dad's fiftieth birthday and they were having a party. The whole family. About twenty people. Mum invited me, said she'd make sure everything was fine. I walked in, dressed as a woman. And this was the first time that any of them, besides my parents had seen me dressed as a woman. Mum's brother, Dad's sister, their families, my cousins.

"The whole room went silent. And my father looked at me, for the first time since, he looked me in the eye. But he wasn't my father, there was no love in his eyes for me, only absolute disdain. He told me to get the fuck out of his house and never to come back.

"My mother yelled at him and said I was her son and she didn't want to lose me. He gave her an ultimatum. Him. Or me. She looked in my eyes, tears running. And she just mouthed the words,I'm sorry to me. And that was the day I knew where I stood. I was on my own.

"She still writes, we talk occasionally. But she didn't choose me. And I'm reminded of that every time I hear from her. She didn't choose me, Zoe. My own Mum, she didn't choose me."

"Well I choose you, Simone," Zoe said, crying her little heart out. "I choose you."

By now, it was Zoe who was the more upset of the two and it was Simone's turn to comfort Zoe.

A meal out that night was just what they needed. Mrs. Aames paid for everything and Simone stayed the night, sharing Zoe's bed, the two sleeping side by side and talking well into the night, two girlfriends, two best friends.

Not a day went by that they didn't talk and not a week went by without a visit, from one to the other.

**

And then the day came. It crept up on her, she hadn't realised. It was one year, to the day, since her incident. That day with Michael, with Michelle. One whole year she had been trapped in between.

It was a day of acceptance for her. If this was how she would have to live her life, then so be it. Her mother loved her, Simone loved her and she loved both of them and had no cause to be sad or ungrateful. Life could be so much worse than what she had. She had love, real genuine love.

And she was going to do something about it.

"Simone, we've known each other for a while now and there's something I've been meaning to say to you."

"Zoe?"

Zoe smiled.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"No. No Simone, what I'm saying is, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you and I want to be with you." Zoe's heart was pounding. "And I hope you want the same."

"Zoe... I... I don't know what to say."

"Say yes."

"Zoe... it's not that I don't love you. I do, God knows I do. But..."

"You're not in love with me?"

"No."

"Oh."

"No. No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is... no, that's not it."

"Then what is it?"

"Oh Zoe. You're such an angel. And you can do so much better than me. I'm... look at me, I'm..."

"Do you love me Simone, do you love me like I love you?"

"How do you love me Zoe?"

"Simone, when I'm with you, the world becomes small. I stop being afraid of it, because you are like this brilliant ray of sunshine, just shining on me, that shows me the way and keeps me warm. I'm never alone when you're with me. My heart flies, it sings, it soars, whenever you're near. You're the most beautiful woman I know, the most special in every way imaginable and I don't want to spend another day, another second without you knowing how I feel about you. Because every day I wake up, you are the first thought on my mind, you're the last one at night and you're pretty much every one in between. In the simplest way I can say it Simone... you make me happy."

Simone stared at Zoe, not knowing how to respond.

"Say something..."

Still she could not react, so Zoe stepped towards her and on tip toes, she leaned in to kiss Simone on the lips for the first time. Her lips lingered for a few seconds, then she stepped back from Simone, waiting for her to respond in some way.

When no reaction came from her, Zoe turned to leave.

"Zoe..." Simone rushed after Zoe, caught hold of her arm, spun her around and kissed her with all her might, pushing Zoe back and back and back until she bumped into the wall.