Unwelcome

I kept her hand in mine, but I turned toward her more and told her, "I loved having you with me and my arm around you. I loved it when you stood in front of me and I held you against me, and when you weren't there I was glancing around looking for you."

"Ben damn it, I love you. There, I've said it. I love you and I've loved you since before that damn party. Why do you think I drove all the way to the farm by myself, just to see the barn? You were there and I just couldn't stand to stay home knowing I could be there, and just maybe have some time with you outside of the office. I wasn't determined to drape myself over you and to dominate you every minute that you didn't have your arms around Ellie, but that's what I did. Then after Ellie died, I suffered with you and worried about you, but being the selfish person that I obviously am, part of what I suffered was because you had to suffer through the grieving process, so again I couldn't be with you. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was dying inside. Oh, and in Miami, you told me you loved me, and I almost fainted. See how irrational and self centered I've become? You loved Ellie, and you said that to me meaning as a friend. I can't be around you and want you to care for me when I can hardly stand myself."

I meant to be soft and reassuring, but my voice rose and I told her, "Jenny, take a breath and get real. You see yourself as some evil doing force. Bull shit. I was right there with you every step of the way. I wanted my arms around you at the party. I wanted to have you in front of me so I could explore your breasts and between your legs. I wanted you right there with me, and when you weren't I worried about you. If you weren't encouraging things to happen, I was. Damn it woman, both of us screwed up more than once, but don't think for a minute that Ellie was suffering because of what you and I were doing. She and I talked about that as well as about me screwing Anita and a whole host of other things. Our lives were changing so fast that we were struggling to keep up. Ellie was so upset by what happened at the party that she was determined to build our new place with our new loft, and have another of those hell raising parties. Does that sound like somebody that was struggling with you and me? Damn it Jenny, I've been worried about you and I've missed you so damn much. Now why can't we just start fresh? I still love Ellie and I always will, but she's not with us anymore. Because I still love her, doesn't mean I don't have the capacity to ever love again. I have plenty of room in my heart for you Jenny. I just need time and you need to accept the fact that we can't change the past no matter what. Give me a chance Jenny. Give us a chance." Then I softened my voice and told her, "Give me the chance; a little time, to love you honey. I didn't say I loved you just because I liked how that sounded. Yes, I said that as a friend, but you know there was more to it than just that. Had Ellie lived, I would have had a problem to deal with...you. I had a very unhealthy need to be with you."

If nothing else, I got her to stop beating herself up. She looked at me and then down, but neither of us spoke as I scrambled to think of something more to say to ease her burden of guilt. I put her face between my hands and looked into her eyes, and then kissed her softly before I almost whispered, "Please Jenny, we have nothing to lose by picking up the pieces and building a new life for us. I do know you love me because you've proven it to me in many ways. Would it help you if I told you all of my sins both before and after Ellie died?"

"No, that isn't necessary Ben." She leaned into me and my arms went around her again as she told me, "Ben, I love you so much and I've cried myself to sleep thinking about you. Do you think you could love me, knowing that I've handled myself so poorly?"

"Of course, because I don't see you that way. I could slap your ass for running away from me, but I do understand why you did that. Just promise me you'll never ever do that again. Promise me that you'll never leave me without giving us a chance to work things out."

"Ben, think hard about this, because if I set my emotions free, you might get sick of me. You might not be prepared for how much I love you. This has to be all or nothing."

"Then it's all. Nothing just isn't an option for us Jenny. Neither of us can promise the future, but we can promise to give all of ourselves to each other, and to give what we have for each other time to grow and blossom into what we both want so much."

"I'll never try to come between you and the love you still hold for Ellie. Whatever you have that holds memories of her you should keep and revere."

"Like the throne?"

Jenny finally smiled and said, "Yes, that's a perfect example."

"Then I'd like to ask a favor of you."

"What's that?"

"Let's start with talking about what your feelings are about having a new loft."

Our crisis was past because she smiled and kissed me before she said, "What's to talk about, you want it and I'd love to see that happen."

"Even knowing what could possibly happen in that loft?"

"Either know that, or perhaps looking forward to that would be more accurate."

"Then the next thing is, will you help me with the creation of that home and loft?"

"I'd be terribly hurt if I was left out of that."

"Then I'll tell my architect to get back to that as fast as he can. Oh, one bad bit of news maybe. That one piece of property was sold, so unless we start the process of searching all over again, we'd be looking at that house I showed you."

"Ellie's favorite right?"

"That's right."

"Ben, I think that would be perfect."

"Then you and I need to contact Exeter Realty and look at that again. We have to hurry if we're going to have our new home in time for a summer party."

"We...our home?"

"Are you going to make me beg?"

"Let's be clear about this. You're talking about me living here...with you, as in all the time."

I got down on my knees, and asked her, "Please?"

"Ben, we just got past a very serious point in our lives, isn't this rushing things a bit?"

"It's up to you, but if you aren't so damn important to me, then why have I struggled and worried about you, and almost ran into the women's restroom to catch you? Just be prepared that when the day comes that I tell you that I love you totally, I'm going to mean that and you'll be stuck with me forever."

"Oh, I think I can deal with that hon, but remember, that means I'll be here every night and every weekend. We'll see each other at our best and worst and you can be sure that we'll argue about something once in awhile."

"I know."

"Okay, then what do I do with my furniture?"

"Put it in storage with the things from the farm."

She smiled and said, "Like the throne."

"Yep."

"When?"

"What's wrong with tomorrow? What's wrong with right now?"

"It's Sunday night and I need a few days to pack. How about next weekend?"

"That's too far away, but okay."

"I'm still very worried that you're rushing into something that maybe you haven't thought through."

"I've had weeks...months to think about this honey, so don't try to talk me out of this."

"Oh, I'm not doing that. Oh no, you've stuck your neck in the noose now and there's no taking it off."

The only thing I'm interested in taking is your clothes off and you to my bed."

Chapter Fifty Eight

I would never admit it to anybody, but Monday I felt like Ellie was looking down and smiling at me, and I could feel her approval of what Jenny and I were getting into. Then late in the day I looked straight ahead and said, "Ellie I just wish you were here to help me now." Then I felt like a fool for talking to the walls and pretended that hadn't happened.

Word about Jenny living with me reached our friends in and around Hendersonville, as well as our friends in Sparta, including Pat and Corey. Because of that, not long after I'd had my chat with Ellie that Pam called. "Sorry to call you at work Ben, this is Pam."

"Nice to hear from you, how are you and Corey doing?"

"Picking up the pieces, but Corey is in Taiwan for a couple more days. I'm in Nashville actually and wondered if you were going to be busy this evening. I'd like to buy you and Jenny dinner if you're available."

"I am available and it would be great to see you, but I'll have to call her.."

"If I don't get lost I'll be at your place at six."

"Great, and call me if you become directionally challenged."

"I love how your mind works sweetheart, but I also have some news to share with you. See you soon."

To me, news from Sparta couldn't be a good thing. In fact about the last really good thing to come to me from that town was Ellie. Well and the farm, until that whole thing went to hell.

Then Jenny popped into my thoughts so I called her, and told her, "I'll keep this brief hon. Pam is in the area and wants to have dinner with us. She says she has news to share and will be at our place at six."

"That can't be good news then."

"My thoughts exactly. I told her yes, but if you can't make it I'll call her."

"If I'm not there go without me, but I think I will be."

"Okay, but either way I'll see you this evening."

"Love you."

Jenny did make it home, and because I didn't know Pam well enough to know how she would be, with Jenny by my side, I could relax.

As soon as the two women met, Pam put her arms around Jenny and surprised her with a slightly lingering and tender kiss. As Pam continued the embrace, Jenny's arms stayed around Pam's waist as Jenny said, "Ben has told me about meeting you and Corey."

"Really? Did he tell you everything?" and with their lips still close, Jenny smiled and said, "Oh yes, everything."

"Congratulations by the way. After Ellie was murdered, my heart cried for Ben, but now I can be happy for both of you." Pam finally relinquished her hold on Jenny and embraced and kissed me, only that kiss lasted a little longer and I was sure was a little more impressive as we tasted each other. "It's so good to see you again Ben, and you still look fabulous."

"Thank you, and I must say, you look even sexier than the last time I saw you."

She smiled at Jenny, and then looking back at me she smiled sexily and said, "I love your lies," before she released her hold on me.

"Pam, does Corey have to go to Taiwan often?"

"Once a year or so. It isn't necessary that he do that, but he thinks it's good business to let them see the owner of the company once in awhile. He's in textiles among other things."

"Oh," I said and smiled. "So have you had guests in to see the farm?"

Pam smiled and said, "You mean the loft, and yes we finally did. We wanted to wait so they could see it when we had a party, but with so much going on, we gave up on that idea and just had some friends in. We still had a great time though."

"I have a feeling that you always have a great time."

"I do try. Let's go to dinner and I'll tell you the latest from Sparta."

Pam was on her best behavior for the rest of the evening, and the three of us had a very pleasant time over drinks. It was while we sipped and waited for our meal that Pam said, "Okay, here's the latest chapter in this unbelievable mess from Sparta. It was on the news this morning that Noah has been released pending further investigation."

"What the hell?" I said in surprise, and Jenny leaned toward Pam so she wouldn't miss a word. "They were pretty careful with their words, but in essence, Marlin, Noah's son has been arrested for aiding and abetting. It would seem that Noah was ready to take the punishment for what Marlin did, as in burying the bodies. Noah spun the story well enough because Marlin had told his father the whole story. I guess his devoted son was quite willing to let his father take the wrap for what he, Marlin, had done."

Jenny was staring at Pam as she said, "So Noah knew about the murders and the bodies being buried and everything?"

"Everything, but only after the fact. They aren't saying how they figured that out, but one might guess that Noah didn't get a fact or two quite straight when he talked to the police the second or third time, or however many times they talked to him."

"They just keep adding bits and pieces to that mess. When will it just be put to rest?"

"That's what Corey and I want to know. We're leery of doing any landscape improvements because we can just see them rip up a new patio or dig up lawn." Then looking at me she added, "I'm surprised they didn't rip out the new driveway that you put in." Unfortunately, that would not be the last time we talked about the farm drama.

As soon as Pam left after dropping us off, Jenny went to the phone and I heard her say, "Hi Mary, this is Jenny and I'm sorry it's so late, but I have a question."

Then she walked away so I couldn't even hear her side of the conversation. But minutes later Jenny came over and dropped onto the sofa next to me and my arm went around her. "Ben, did you notice how Pam kissed me when she got here?"

"Oh, indeed I did. I wondered what you thought about that."

"I don't know what to think about it, and especially so because I didn't know her before tonight. That's why I called Mary, because she and Pam have been together quite a few times."

"And what did Mary have to offer?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you could help me to understand that comment."

"Well, I mean her answer was a little vague. Something like, 'Oh I know what you mean,' or 'yes she is very affectionate.' But it was like she was saying more without saying it. You know the inflection or the tone of voice."

"Do you think Mary and Pam are spending quality time together?"

"I have to wonder."

"Wait. Mary was here that time and...I asked her if she was seeing anybody or something like that, and she was a little ambiguous. Like a, sort of seeing somebody, answer. So what do you think now? I mean about that lingering kiss you gave each other."

"Now wait, she kissed me. I was flustered so I just went along with it."

"Oh," and I smiled at her.

"Ben, now stop that."

"But she does know how to kiss, and she seems to have a lot of passion."

"I refuse to rise to your bait," and she smiled and got up and walked away.

Chapter Fifty Nine

Jenny and I got married in our condo on the third of March, with just Ted and Dee standing up with us, but we were postponing any celebrating until we were in our new house. Everything was falling into place and our lives were becoming like so many other couples, working, seeing friends and enjoying live.

Then one Wednesday afternoon, on the way home from the office, I stopped at a Publix for a few things as I often did, but as I picked over the fresh fruit, I felt someone looking at me. I picked up another tomato to check it, but then I looked to my right and there she stood. An average looking woman of average size and appearance, and mousy brown hair in slight disarray. But it was her look, or maybe it was her eyes and smile that captured me. I smiled at her and then she said, "I'm sorry for staring, but I was certain that I knew you from somewhere and I was digging through my mind trying to put it together."

With curiosity tugging at me I asked her, "Did you have any success?"

"I did. I saw you and your wife...oh god, I'm so sorry, I just remembered that your wife..."

"Thank you, but that's okay."

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"As you can imagine, that was a very hard time for me."

"Of course it was. I was so focused on your story as it replayed in my mind, and then of course the segment where we saw how you transformed the barn loft. I fell in love with what you did."

"Thank you again."

"Mr....oh damn, I was sure I'd never forget your name."

"Ben. Ben Whitehead."

"Thank you, I'm Frieda Mason. Would you by any chance have time for a quick cup of coffee?"

I consulted my watch as I tried to decide how to handle the situation. I was eager to get home, and yet she tugged at me in some curious way, so I told her, "Sure, if I can't spare fifteen minutes my life is too complicated."

We retraced our steps to the deli area, got cups of too strong coffee and settled at a table. "Ben...is it okay to..."

"Of course."

"Ben, where did you find the inspiration to...the creativity to do what you did."

"Well I had a lot of help from Ellie, my fiancée."

"Oh damn, I'm doing it again. Yes, of course you did."

"But to answer your question the best I can, things...ideas just kept popping into my mind. I'd think of something and that would spawn another idea. Ellie would seem to do much the same, like we'd been planning that project for years. Ideas still come to my mind in fact."

"Oh, and ideas came to my mind too as I watched the news that night. What a fun place to bring friends to I'm sure."

"Sadly, we had to sell it though. That was our plan all along, but we didn't expect to become so attached to it. We're...I'm married now. My wife and I are building our home, and it's going to look a lot like that old barn does."

"Oh, I'm so happy for you, but at the same time I'm so envious. Did you at least have a chance to enjoy it before you sold it?"

"We had a fantastic Halloween party, with about...I think it was twenty guests."

"I'm glad."

Her damn eyes were a cool blue gray, and she was crawling inside of me as she leaned over the table slightly as she talked. Neither of us paid a lot of attention to our coffee, and she was almost constantly touching my hand as she talked, and then would withdraw her hand again. The din of the shoppers and the metal grocery carts; conversations going on not far from us that drifted over us and then faded away a moment later...all of that was going on, but I was barely aware of them. Frieda's voice on the other hand was hauntingly soft and sweet. I had no idea of the time as we continued to talk about the farm, and the more we talked, the more I opened up to her. "Ben, I can only imagine how much your Ellie loved it there and didn't want to leave."

"It's funny that you mention that, because she did love it there, but...this is one of those things that is almost impossible to explain and have it make sense."

"Give me chance Ben. You'll find I'm very open minded and perceptive," and her warm soft hand was on mine again. I couldn't even decide what her age might be. Forty? That didn't fit her, but neither did younger or older. I gave up on the exercise and pushed ahead.

"Ellie developed a fear of that farm."

"And she was murdered, so she sensed something bad."

"Well it was that I'm sure, but...Frieda, before, during and after that party, things happened that many of us had never experienced before. Things that..."

She wrapped me in her smile and my eyes watched her lips as she said, "You're being so delicate, but you needn't be. Twenty and more adults in a very adult environment at a Halloween party with sexy costumes. Yes, I do understand because I've been there myself."

As my mouth moved and I stared into her, I opened up and told her things that I wouldn't share with some friends. "I'm sorry Frieda, I don't mean to offend you. I can't believe that I'm telling so many very personal details."

This time it was both of her hands on mine as she told me, "Oh Ben, you're not offending me at all. I understand what you're saying. It was an amazing and exciting time without a doubt, but at the same time it became very worrisome for her, and possibly for some of the others."

"It scared her, because she was seeing a side of herself that she didn't know existed."

"I can only imagine."

"She was a very strong woman, but at the same time so very sensitive and maybe even fragile."

"Fragile doesn't come to my mind at all. Sensitive, by all means though I'm sure."