Want B, Take B, Have B

My eyes immediately pop open at the sound of my alarm clock going off.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I can't believe it's 9am already. I feel like I only just shut my eyes five minutes ago.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Ok ok! I'm up! I'm up!" I said aloud to my alarm clock having already grown tired of hearing it.

I hit the button on the top of it to turn it off and once it is off I lay back and look up at the ceiling and the first thought that goes through my head is.

I wonder if Faith is awake yet.

The moment that thought goes through my head I immediately wish it hadn't. I already spent almost all of last night thinking about her and I wanted to spend at least 24 hours NOT thinking about Faith, or Cordelia, or this whole messed up situation.

I was hoping that maybe after a 24 hour break I would have a clear enough head in order for me to deal with and solve this situation involving the three of us. Well involving me and Faith, although I still have to deal with Cordelia like I told Faith I was going too.

Despite the length of time I spent thinking about both issues last night I wasn't able to resolve either one of them. I don't know what I am going to do about Faith and I don't know what I am going to do about Cordelia. All I know is that I have to sort this out.

I think I should try and solve the Faith issue first since it is obvious that despite my intentions not to think about her today she is obviously still on my mind.

Maybe in solving the Faith issue I can also solve the Cordelia issue.

It's funny I haven't thought about somebody immediately after waking up since.......... of course the reason why I thought about that person was because.......... and that isn't what made me think about Faith.......... even though.......... but that doesn't mean anything.......... it can't. I can't!

Get up and get a shower Buffy.

I mentally tell myself as I get out of bed and quickly make my way to the bathroom.

Once I reach it I knock on the door to see if my mom is in there however no answer comes from inside the bathroom.

I knock again a little bit louder just to make sure.

"Mom." I called out.

However still no answer comes from inside and so I open the door and enter the bathroom shutting and locking the door behind me.

Once the door is shut and locked I immediately begin to get undressed wanting or rather needing to get these thoughts out of my head.

As soon as I am completely naked I turn on the shower and once it is hot enough I get in under the nozzle and allow the water to cover me hoping that it will somehow help to wash away the thoughts that I am having.

Unfortunately it doesn't, but it does have a soothing effect which allows me to concentrate on one pacific thought at a time.

Now.......... last time I.......... felt this way about someone.......... I thought about him almost constantly. Thinking about him almost always made me feel good no matter how bad I was feeling. All I had to do was think about him and I instantly felt better. Now Faith has been the first and last thing on my mind.......... a couple of times.......... but she hasn't been.......... I mean there have been times when I've gone to sleep thinking about.......... ok maybe not but there have been times when I have woken up and thought about.......... oh my god.......... no.......... no.......... there have to have been times when I have gone to sleep or woken up thinking about something other than her..........for some reason I just can't remember what those things were or when I thought about them. I can't think about this right now. I should still do what I planned last night. I know what I'll do. After I have had my shower I'll call Willow and see if she is free to spend the day with me. Yes, spending time with Willow will help me to not think about Faith for a while.

So with my plan set I focus on my shower and once I am showered and dry I put on my favourite casual clothes and call Willow. First we plan out the things we are going to do and then arrange to meet after I have had breakfast.

Once I've had breakfast I head out and off to meet with Willow both confident and determined that this is going to help me to not think about Faith.

***

Well, so much for the Willow idea.

Despite my best efforts and how hard I tried Faith kept popping into my head.

The whole time we were out, whenever there was a gap in the conversation, or whenever Willow left me alone to go and change either into one of the outfits we where trying on in one of the shops we went in or when she went to the bathroom, just before we went into see a movie, not to mention during the actual movie, I kept thinking about my fellow slayer.

And with thoughts of her came the thoughts I was having this morning.

Actually they where the whole reason why I tried not to think about Faith, because I knew if I thought about her I would think about them.

Heck even after me and Willow ended our day out together I did everything within my power to NOT think about Faith.

I played some music.......... tried to read a book.......... watched TV.......... tried doing some homework.......... practiced out in the garden something I have never done before. I even tried meditating because Giles once told me that would help me to clear my mind. He always was a terrible liar. It got to the point where I was so desperate to try and not think about Faith that I even came out to patrol early.

My mom asked me why I was going out so early and I told her it was because slaying had been down a lot lately and that normally low slayage means something big on the horizon. No doubt I've caused her to worry about me more than she already does when I go out. I couldn't help it though I just needed to get out here.

I hoped and prayed to the powers that there would be some action to take my mind off of Faith but thus far I haven't ran into one damn vampire.

It's kinda funny in a weird way because if I wasn't so concerned with Faith I would probably be worrying about the lack of slayage.

I'm sure Giles will be when I tell him.

With nothing to distract me I guess I should try and think of a way to deal with this situation because it's obviously driving me crazy.

Clearing my head I thought about Faith, how she had been the first thing on my mind in the morning when I had woken up lately.......... and the last thing I had thought about at night before I had fallen asleep.......... and everything else in between.

Sometimes when I've thought about Faith in the mornings.......... I've been hoping that I would see her.......... or I've been looking forward to seeing her.......... an whenever I have been down.......... thinking of her has always made me feel better.

Thinking about her actually makes me feel..........good. I feel good when I think about Faith.

I've thought about Faith..........every morning and night........... and whenever I think about her it makes me feel good. But that doesn't mean I feel the same way about her as I did...........

It has to be physical. I mean she's an attractive girl..........woman. No. I think.......... I want to be with her.......... but it's more than sexual. It's more than just a attraction. I don't just want to be with Faith sexually. I think.......... I think maybe.......... I might like to start.......... at least try.......... and start.......... dating her.

God I really need to think about this and make sure that this is how I feel.

I continue walking figuring that I have patrolled enough for one night and so I start to head home. However I stop as something that Faith said to me last night plays over and over in the back of my mind, that being that I should think about what I really want and come back when I'm ready to stop making excuses for what I feel and have some real fun.

I realise that is exacterly what I would do if I went home right now. I would think about it some more. What I have just realised. I am sure I would think about it some more. But then after having thought about it some more I would then start to think of 'reasons' why it couldn't happen. 'Reasons' why I couldn't be with Faith in that way.

Then I would start to think about what some of those 'reasons' would be. The 'reasons' would be things like, it's not normal, it's not right, it would be weird, I'm a girl and she's a girl, it just wouldn't work, etc.

Then I would start to make 'reasons' why me and Faith together wouldn't work and I would convince myself that these are real reasons why me and Faith being together couldn't happen when deep down I would know just like I know now that they are not real reasons they are excuses.

Well I am not making excuses anymore.

I want her.

I want to be with her.

If I go back home now I'll probably talk myself out of wanting her, and I don't want that.

So I start walking more purposefully than before only now I am not heading for home I'm heading for Faith's determined to tell her exacterly how I feel about her.

***

Well here I am again. Standing in front of Faith's motel room door. An all of that confidence that I had earlier has just gone right out of me.

I can't back out now, I just can't, I tell myself not sure if I am trying to regain some of the confidence I had earlier or if I am just trying to stop myself from turning and running all the way home.

Right now that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Turning and running. I mean Faith hasn't seen me. Her window blinds aren't drawn like they where last time I was here but still she hasn't seen me. At least I don't think she has. Then again I didn't look in and see if she was there. Maybe she isn't there..........maybe she's out..........on patrol.........or maybe she's..........at the bronze.......... or maybe she's..........

Ok, need to calm down and concentrate. All I'm doing is just making excuses not to go through with this again.

I take a deep breath despite the courage having gone I still feel a determination to go through with this and at the same time my desire to leave is just as strong as my determination.

Why not check. Just check and make sure she is in........... if she is. Then do it.......... If she isn't..........

I try and stop myself from thinking about if Faith isn't in due to the fact I am sure that if I leave here now I will convince myself not to come back and that's not what I really want.

Still wanting to check I look through her blinds to see if she is in.

She is, but she's lying on her bed so she can't see me, so I could still leave if I want...........

No, I have to do this.

Taking a deep breath I walk round and knock on her door and she answers it.

"Hey B." Faith said, "Come in."

I frown slightly at how quickly she answered the door but I quickly shrugged it off as she allowed me to enter.

"We need to talk." I said once I was far enough inside the motel.

"We don't need to talk." Faith said as she shuts the door, "But if you wanna talk, talk."

I try and think of the best way to tell Faith what I want to tell her and after a minute or two of not being able to come up with anything good I decide to simply come right out and say it.

"You were right." I told her which causes Faith to smile.

"About what B?" She asked me.

Does she really have to make me say it?

"I'm feeling confused." I said, "I'm thinking all these things.......... feeling all these things and it's scary.......... and it's not scary.......... which is worse somehow.......... I need to be.......... less confused.......... I don't want to bury what I'm feeling..........and I can't live feeling so confused so.......... I'm willing to try letting you take my confusion away."

"I'm honoured." Faith said with an ear to ear smile on her face which makes me feel as though she isn't taking this seriously.

Either that or she just wants us to get past the talking.

I blink and as I do I see Faith take a step towards me.

"But only if you agree not to tell anyone about this." I blurted out quickly.

I do want to be with her, and I want to be ok about people knowing about me being with her, it's just, everything's happening so fast and its very overwhelming, and, and, I'm still worried about becoming a story she laughs about later.

"I promise." Faith said causing me to re-focus my attention on her as I see her take another step making me even more nervous than I already am.

"And this is a one-time thing. Just like it was with Cordy. After this we just pretend it never happened and move on." I added quickly, doing my best to try and make it seem like that is definatly what I want when it is anything but.

I don't want this to be a one-time thing, I want this to be the start of something, but even though I want to tell her that, I can't. I'm too afraid of her laughing and telling me she isn't a relationship person, which she isn't. This is crazy, I know she's not a relationship person, she always made that very clear, so what was I expecting? For her to suddenly just change her whole philosophy for me? Am I really that deluded?

This was a bad idea. I can't tell her how I really feel, but I can't leave either. She's getting closer and closer and if she kisses me I'm not going to be able to stop her, I'm not going to want to stop her. I'll let her do whatever she wants to me and I'll become just another notch on her bed post.

I don't want that, I don't want to be just a notch, but as she slowly closes in until our lips are practically touching I know that's what I'm seconds away from becoming, just another notch. Oh how I don't want to be just another notch.

"One more thing." I said in a whisper, needing to say this more than anything I have told her so far.

Faith simply looks at me however she doesn't say anything so I take her silence as her waiting for me to say what I have to say.

"Promise me I'm not going to be just another notch on your bed post." I said, desperate for her to make this promise despite what I said earlier.

"You could never be just a notch." Faith said in the same husky voice she used earlier as she leans in towards me.

I swallow hard, wanting to smile because of what Faith has just said, but what she has just said combined with my own hormones overrule my desire to smile, other more pressing desires taking over my body as I lean forward, Faith doing the same as our lips meet for our first kiss.

The moment they do I throw every fibre of my being into the kiss, a kiss I had been trying to tell myself I didn't want for too long.

I think I take Faith by surprise with my eagerness. I'm kind of surprising myself too because I'm actually being very forceful, even more than her, which is kind of shocking. And I'm not just being forceful with my mouth and lips but with my hands which eagerly explore Faith's body. My suddenly adventurous hands seem to have no problem running up and down her perfect figure, my tongue fiercely battling with hers, a battle which I'm actually winning.

All of a sudden I feel Faith gently pushing me backwards. I know where she wants us to go so I immediately start to move backwards with her not wanting to break the kiss for anything, not even air.

As we continue on our journey towards the bed I can feel the backs of my legs hitting something, causing me a small amount of pain however I don't care, Faith's lips are too distracting to care.

Finally we reach the bed and as soon as we do I feel Faith's hands on me but they aren't on me for long as she pushes me backwards and I fall backwards onto the bed however as soon as I am down Faith practically dives or jumps on top of me knocking the wind out of me but not enough for me to break the kiss.

Nothing on god's green earth is going to make me break this kiss.

Evidently Faith can't say the same as all too soon for me she breaks the kiss but almost as soon as she does she immediately uses that hot mouth of her's and attacks another part of my body.

My neck.

She starts to kiss and suck and even bite my neck with a desire and a want and a passion I have never experienced before not even with Angel.

Either by accident or whatever Faith finds one of my weak spots my pulse point and as soon as she finds that I can't help but to moan in response.

I close my eyes and allow the feelings that I am feeling to wash over me and as they do I say a little prayer.

God please make this night last for as long as possible. Make time go as slow as you can. And above all else don't let anything interrupt this.

After having said the prayer in my head I feel Faith stop and remove her mouth from my pulse point which causes me to open my eyes and look at her.

I should have added that he couldn't make Faith stop what she was doing.

I mentally tell myself as I wait to see what has caused Faith to stop hoping as crazy as it may sound that she hasn't changed her mind.

"If you want me to stop, I'll stop." Faith said suddenly.

I look at Faith unable to believe what she has just said.

Is she teasing me or being serious, I wonder to myself unable to believe what she has just said for a whole number of reasons, none of which matter, the bottom line is I don't want this or her to stop. Not trusting myself with words right now I smile at her in response and then Faith smiles back at me, a smile that soon turns into a wicked grin which I can't help but find sexy.

"Now." Faith said as she continued to grin like a chesire cat, "Let's get these clothes off you."

I watch and wait as Faith reaches for the bottom of my top and slowly begins to move it up my body with her thumbs while her fingers and the palms of her hands run over my skin so softly.

"Arms up B." She said in a husky tone of voice.

I do as she says, lifting my arms up next to my head allowing Faith to take my top completely off of me. Once it is off of me she simply tosses it to the floor.

"Now." Faith said causing me to turn my attention from my now dis-guarded top on the floor to her, "You take my top off."

I slowly move my eyes down to Faith's top, reach up and take the bottom of her top into my hands but then stop and decide to use the same tactic Faith used on me and so I sit up forcing Faith to quickly re-position herself so that she is sitting with her legs either side of mine. I then using my thumbs begin to lift Faith's top up her body allowing my fingers and the palms of my hands to run over Faith's smooth, soft, well toned and tanned skin just like she did to me. Faith smiles as she looks at me and I look up at her and watch as she without a word lifts her arms up so that I can take her top completely off and I toss her top to the floor along with mine.

"Right." Faith said causing me to look at her, "Now for your bra."

I continue to look at Faith waiting for her to make a move, however she doesn't she simply looks back at me which leads me to wonder if she is waiting for me to make a move.

"Faith..." I start however almost as soon as the first syllable of her name is out of my mouth Faith puts one of her fingers to my lips.

"Shhh." She said simply and with that she leans forward and replaces her finger with her lips which I don't mind at all as I return her kiss which this time is soft and gentle and like the first kiss over way too soon for my liking.

Once Faith is back where she started she lifts up her right hand to reveal a bra and as I look at it I suddenly realise that it's mine as I look down and see that my breasts are no longer covered.

I look back at Faith impressed and amazed that she was able to distract me so easily and also able to remove my bra without me feeling anything.

Faith tosses my bra to the floor to join the rest of our clothes.

Once Faith has turned back around to face me while I am tempted to use the same tactic she used once again I decide to use a different tactic. And so with my slayer speed I reach around Faith's waist unclasp her bra and pull back all within the blink of an eye or at the very least all within at least a minute.