Yearning Hearts Ch. 05

"Is it too much to ask for you to have a little bit of faith in me? I don't think I'm asking for much here, just a little bit" Jonathan asked as his face twisted in agony.

"Ethan I..." Thomas instantly felt his heart starting to race. He knew Jonathan would never lay a hand on him but it was definitely scary seeing him so angry.

"No! You don't trust me Thomas! It's obvious you never will so why are you here? Are you ready to knock me down some more? Maybe tell what a worthless piece of shit I am, is that it?" Thomas' eyes watered with sorrow for Jonathan. 'He looked so haunted and miserable. Did he make Jonathan like that? Did he really make Jonathan think all those things?'

"Of course not! I'm sorry I said those things to you Ethan but why am I the one being yelled at here? Your ex- lover was in your bed! How do you expect me to react to that? And I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that in front of him!" Thomas defended irritatingly as he struggled to keep his unshed tears at bay.

"How do I expect...? You're fucking unbelievable you know that? Did you even bother to ask me if I slept with him before you chose that as the last resort of what might've happened? No! Because to you that's all I'm good for, right?

You know, maybe you were right T. Maybe all there was between us was sex because every argument we've had since this all started has been about where my dick's been. Because I'm not capable of having any sort of encounter with another human being without wanting to fuck them right? So I guess I'm screwing Camila too. You wanna insult her next or do you wanna have another go at Jesse, which is it?"

It broke Thomas' heart at how much compassion Jonathan had for Jesse. He felt so unimportant, so unwanted, so neglected. Obviously Jesse was more important. That hurt more than anything, he couldn't hold it in any more, the tears just started rolling as he looked at Jonathan in disbelief.

"Ok I'm sorry if I accused without asking first but what would you have done if I opened the door and the first thing you saw is someone in my bed, where I spent the night? I know I'm not the best person sometimes but if you truly cared about me like you say, then you'd know that I act like that because... it terrifies me to lose you ok! That's my biggest fear, losing you." He stood up and walked over to where Jonathan stood wearing the same angered expression.

Finding out that you've been keeping Belle's true paternity from me honestly felt like the biggest betrayal. It hurt a lot, more than you'll ever know but that still doesn't come close to how I feel about you. I can't ever stop loving you, no matter what. " He stood up and walked over to where Jonathan whose angered expression seemed to soften a bit.

"I love you Ethan. I know I've put you through a lot in those months and I'm sorry. I don't think I could've stood aside and watch you with someone else, I couldn't. You were patient and you were more than understanding when you didn't have to be. You could've easily found someone else but you stayed with me and gave me what I needed anyway but I promise you baby, what we shared, wasn't just about sex. I'm sorry I made you believe that.

I don't deserve you but I can't let you go. Maybe you're better off without me but I'm selfish, I can't lose you, I need you. I can't live without you." He sniffled and wiped at his with the back of his hands then raked his hands through his hair. Jonathan's gaze was elsewhere but he didn't care, Jonathan was going to hear what he had to say.

"I don't know what it's gonna take for you to forgive everything I did to you but I'll do anything; I'll wait for you for as long as you need me to. I know how pathetic I sound begging you like this but I don't care. You're everything to me and I'm not leaving here without you." He reached out to touch Jonathan but he moved away before Thomas had a chance to. Thomas felt that to his very core. 'Was that how Jonathan had felt when he was the one telling him not to touch him?' He hoped not but he had no intention of going back on his word. He was willing to wait for Jonathan for as long as Jonathan needed him to.

"I can't do this right now. I need some time alone. I'm sure your room is in order but Camila will be here in a bit if you need anything else." Jonathan told him then walked over to the door where he held on to it. The last thing he wanted to do was leave Jonathan but Jonathan needed space, he had to give him that, at least for the time being until he cooled off.

"Ok, whatever you want. I love you." Thomas murmured when he approached the door but Jonathan still wouldn't look him in the eyes. As soon as he exited Jonathan closed the door but thankfully he didn't turn the lock. Thomas stood outside the door with his back leaned against it for quite some time trying to feel an inkling of connection with Jonathan. They were drifting farther and farther apart and that made him beyond terrified.

*********

An equally distraught Jonathan leaned back against the door totally oblivious that Thomas was doing the exact thing at that moment. He more than understood why Thomas would react that way once he saw Jesse in his bed but he was operating purely on impulse when Thomas started going off. He was so tired of trying to convince Thomas time and time again that he only loved him and only wanted him. It felt like his word no value anymore.

He couldn't believe he actually took off his shirt before answering the door. He knew Camila would have questions about the night before so he thought that if she saw him with no shirt on that she'd think something happened and leave him be. It was a stupid post drunken choice which he was now paying for.

'Thomas said he wanted to repair things but was that truly the smartest thing to do?' he had to wonder. Few days ago he was practically begging Thomas to forgive him and take him back but after that went down he had to wonder if they were truly meant to be together. What if they were better apart, better as just best friends and nothing more. He didn't know but one thing was for sure, he missed his best friend like crazy. Thomas was the guy he could rely on for anything. The one who was always there for him no matter what. The one who kept him grounded. He missed that. He missed when they could just be at ease with each other and just be.

Going out to the beach house seemed spontaneous at first, but he just wanted to go somewhere where he and Thomas were truly happy. If even not as lovers, they had created beautiful memories there as best friends. He didn't exactly hate the beach but it wasn't his favorite place either but Thomas loved it so it was all worth it.

*******

Instead of going to his room to catch some well needed sleep, he headed back downstairs with the intention of taking a walk on the beach but oh so suddenly he heard his stomach growling eagerly, reminding him of his forsaken hunger.

"Whoa," he murmured as he stopped mid-way to the side sliding doors and held his stomach. He didn't have much of an appetite for the past couple of days but appetite or not, he had to admit he had been neglecting his health far too much lately. That wasn't the way to solve his problems and he knew Jonathan hated it.

At first he attempted to make some cereal but his stomach needed real food, the constant growling said as much. "Come on Tommy, you can manage to make eggs without burning down the house right?" He urged himself as he scanned the stacked refrigerator.

A sudden stifled giggle startled him as he turned to set the tray of eggs, cheese, tomato, mayo and bread on the l-shaped island with breakfast bar. He was caught off guard at first but when he realized it was Camila, he let out a long relieved sigh and allowed himself to relax.

"Lo siento novio," the thirty odd year old Latina apologized gleefully as she rounded the corner to hug Thomas. Thomas immediate returned her smile as he met halfway and melted into her hug.

"¿Còmo has estado?" He asked while looking at her for any indication that he might've messed up the wording.

"Muy bien," she answered delightfully as she smiled and nodded her head approvingly.

"I learned that one just for you," he smiled broadly as he took a bag of groceries from her and placed it on the higher level of the breakfast bar.

"Well isn't that thoughtful of you...you were always my favorite," she teased then just casually started attending to Thomas' sandwich. "I love Jonathan but..." she paused then looked around and leaned in closer to him. "...he doesn't ever play with me like you do, you're more fun." She laughed loudly then cracked an egg in the already heated skillet.

He had forgotten how much fun Camila really was. She was thirty four, married and had two eight year old twin boys with her husband Carlos whom he and Jonathan had the pleasure of meeting some time ago. Though a grown woman, she was a very fun, charismatic and bubbly person who you couldn't help but feel at ease and happy around.

Thomas shrugged out of his cardigan, hung it on the back of the white upholstered leather back stool and sat at the breakfast bar where he leaned forward watching Camila do her thing. He didn't object to her making his breakfast because he knew she'd just argue until she got her way. That was an appreciable fault of hers, she loved taking care of people. Despite the countless times Jonathan has told her to take it easy and stop over working herself, she always shrugged it off.

After a while he just stopped because he realized that it was just her nature and there was no changing her. Not that he wasn't paying her immensely already, but he always made sure to reward her handsomely right before he left. She always protested of course, saying that she didn't do all those things for him so that he'd have no choice but to pay her more but Jonathan always assured her that that was his way of saying thank you for being so loyal and trustworthy. He knew he could leave any of his valuables there and not worry that something was going to happen to it when he got back. He really appreciated her.

"I know he's in a bad mood but he should've told me you were coming by, I could've done something special for you," she beamed when she returned from the sink with a washed tomato.

"You're sweet but..." he cleared his throat. "Ethan didn't know I was coming."

"Oh?"

"I kinda just wanted to surprise him." His expression must've shifted for a moment because he noticed her looking at him with a raised brow, obviously suspecting something was up. Oh shit, he knew he just opened a can of worms and knowing her, she wasn't going to let up until she got the truth out of him.

"Before, I thought you were just tired but it's definitely something else. Mr. grumpy has the same face for three days now. Tell me what's wrong Thomas." She told him as she placed the wedged sandwich before him.

********

"¡Oh Dios!" she gasped terrifyingly then rushed around to Thomas' side and hugged him. On account of not wanting Jonathan to hear any of it he was trying like hell to keep their conversation discreet and by God not start crying again. By the time he was finished, she was the one whose eyes were damped with tears. She looked sad for him but she also looked somewhat guilty, but why?

"No please don't cry Cam," he told her sympathetically then kissed her cheek. Unfortunately that didn't help because she still had that same distraught expression.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea when I told him to go out with Jesse, I'm so sorry mi amor." She apologized as she stared into his eyes regretfully.

"God no, don't be sorry Camila." She pulled her close and hugged her again. "He was sad and you were just trying to cheer him up, you're amazing and besides nothing even happened between them." At least not that he knew of. Jonathan expressed how he hated being accused but he never actually said he didn't do anything with Jesse. He hoped not but even if something did happen, it still wouldn't change how much he loved Jonathan.

*******

Nearly an hour later after he ate that delicious sandwich and convinced Camila not to say anything to Jonathan, he headed upstairs to his room and took a shower. After he finished scrubbing every inch of his body thoroughly, he let the warm water cascaded down his soapy frame while he scrubbed and massaged his hair and scalp.

What he wouldn't give to have Jonathan behind him touching, kissing and exploring every inch of his body. It was only three days ago that they had sex but that didn't really count being as it was selfishly instigated by him. He didn't want it to be like the other times; he had just wanted to get off. He missed those loving hands on him, those hypnotic eyes piercing his soul as Jonathan hovered over him, kissing and thrusting into him, making him peak like no one ever has.

It wasn't just sex between them but he wasn't going to deny that he wanted to jump Jonathan's bones every time he laid eyes on him. Jonathan just had that effect on him and he honestly wouldn't have it any other way. Even though he made it sound bad when he told Jonathan that, it was one of the things that made them so compatible. Jonathan loved sex; more like addicted to sex and Thomas always wanted it just as much, as long as it was with Jonathan.

Once satisfied that he was squeaky clean, he stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror. God he looked tired, he felt sleepy but unfortunately every time he laid down, he found it next to impossible to fully let himself relax.

He never really looked at himself as anything special but whenever Jonathan looked at him, he felt like the most beautiful, sexiest man on the planet. That was before though. Despite their little hot and heavy angry make out session earlier, that fire, want and desire for him no longer showed in Jonathan's eyes and that really bothered him.

Instead of applying a bit of wax in his hair like he usually did fresh out the shower, he decided against it. If he had to guess, Jonathan would probably be there for another three or four days, the air products could chill it for the next few days. He took one last look at himself and went into the bedroom to find some clothes.

*******

Instead of going back downstairs, Thomas found himself outside Jonathan's door wondering if he should go in, knock or just leave. He didn't know if Jonathan even wanted to see him or not but that was where he wanted to be, needed to be more than anything.

He carefully twisted the lock so that it made little a noise as possible and opened it. He was surprised to see Jonathan in bed sleeping especially when he knew he wasn't a day sleeper but he did look tired when he opened the door earlier.

Instead of turning around and leave the room he inched closer and closer as he watched Jonathan sleeping deeply and peacefully. Jonathan was laid out atop the sheets which to his surprise weren't the same ones he saw earlier. Obviously Jonathan changed them but did that mean something did happen between him and Jesse, Thomas had t wonder covetously but he had to remind himself once more that it didn't matter if something happened or not. The only thing that mattered was repairing their relationship, whatever it took.

As he stood there watching him, he envied Jonathan for being able to sleep so soundly, he needed that. As if testing his limit, he slowly eased and sat down on the edge of the bed then little by little he started crawling closer and closer to Jonathan until he was laying down facing Jonathan. He took a chance further and scooted closer and turned on his side so he could get a full view of Jonathan who was sprawled out on his back with his right hand under his head and his left leg bent at the knee.

Unlike earlier when he wore only a pair of black jeans, he was now sporting a pair of grey boxer briefs and he gave off a strong aroma of Axe soap from his hair and skin. He wish he could just lay on that strong hairy chest but he wasn't going to chance it, just being close to him was more than enough and before he knew it he too fell into a deep sleep.

********

When Jonathan opened his eyes an hour later he was shocked to say the least to see Thomas right there beside him curled up in a ball and hugging a pillow. "Shit," he murmured under his breath admiring the love of his life. He couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips as he watched Thomas adorable expression as he slept, dead to the world. The pillow hugging he found out about the first night Thomas slept in the apartment they shared together in college, he liked comfort.

He was happy that Thomas was eventually allowing himself some well deserved sleep. He could tell Thomas hadn't been getting any latterly, his eyes said as much. He always got like that when he was worried or upset; both were warranted give their current situation.

He slowly and carefully eased out of bed so that he didn't disturb Thomas then walked over to his closet for a blanket. He then gently threw the blanket over him letting his hand linger a bit longer than it should have on Thomas' hip. 'What was he doing there anyway?' he wondered.

A huge part of him was saying let him, he's better off without you and another voice was telling him, that was the worst thing he could ever do. He had no clue what they were doing but one thing he knew for sure was that, if there was an ultimate test that couples had to go through, they were surely going through it. Should it be like that? Was that nature's way of saying take a hint, you aren't meant to be, he didn't know but something had to change.

He slipped on a royal blue t-shirt and black and went downstairs for something to munch on, preferably pineapples. "Hey you alright?" He called out to Camila who was standing at the sink just staring down into it.

"Hmm?" She answered surprisingly then turned to look at the person she should be doing everything in her power to avoid. Thomas asked her not to say anything but she was concerned for the two of them. Had she known that they were an item before, she never would've called Jesse over much less suggested that they out together. She was mad at Jonathan for not saying anything but she had to keep her promise to Thomas.

"You're staring a hole into the sink,' he chuckled as he opened the fridge and reached for a bottled water. "Do we have any pineapples?" he asked scanning the shelves.

"The husband's driving me insane." She lied then walked over to the fridge and took out a plate of stew she brought for him the day before. "You should consider adding real food to your diet and some other fruits." She told him determinedly.

"Well I'm sure he didn't mean it... whatever he did." He laughed and moved out of her way so she could take out what she wanted. He didn't want any other fruit but something told him she wouldn't let up until he ate whatever she gave him. She was unbelievably bossy, just like another someone he knew.

"Mmm damn this is good. What is it?" He asked over a mouthful of heated stew.

She smiled broadly as she watched him put his fork down and use his fingers to take up a piece of meat. "Rabo Encendido. Don't ask me what it means."He looked up at her suspiciously then shrugged his shoulders and continued eating. "Where's Thomas?" She managed to sound enthused and not mad like she truly was.

"He's in my room sleeping," he mumbled. He was far too captivated by that plate of stew to tell Camila he didn't know that Thomas was coming as he was sure she may be into her feelings about that bit. He knew it was impolite to speak with food in your mouth but he didn't care. He hadn't eaten anything that good in a while.

"Really? That's good." She beamed but he was still oblivious, God help him. That made her happy, at least that meant that Thomas really had everything under control. However that didn't mean they couldn't use some more influence. "I know you said you don't want to go but I'm sure you'd feel better if Thomas came with you. So would you pleease, por favor?" She crossed her fingers hoping that Jonathan would agree to go to a family barbeque she was hosting the following day.