Anna and the Librarian

"And will you? Will you come back, Anna?"

"I'll think about it," I responded, this time intentionally trying to get a reaction.

The look on Abi's face said it all. She was somewhere between screaming at me and storming out in disgust. I didn't let her.

"Yes, Abi... yes... I'm going to come back... I'm going to talk to Natalia about how I feel... I just hope... well, what if she isn't..."

"Well... at least you'll know... and then you can decide... but first... coffee or chocolate... brownie or cookie?" Abi asked.

I laughed. Abi was right. What was there to be afraid of? I would get an answer, and once I had that, I could worry about what it meant.

Oh god, how had I got myself into this position?

Oh god, how was I going to get out of it?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nine

My third year -- the same Friday, in the evening before the library closed

That evening, I headed back to the library alone. It was now or never. I so wanted to understand why the librarian had such an effect on me. What did it mean? Why was I feeling this way? Was the feeling mutual? What was next?

As Natalia had said, it was much quieter as I slipped inside. I walked straight past the board which announced that the library would be closing in thirty minutes and headed up to the second floor.

The reading room was tucked off to one side, down a small corridor. I stood in front of the heavy wooden door, staring at the sign affixed at eye level. It was one of those sliding signs, set surprisingly to show that the room was in use. What was I to do? I was sure Natalia had said to come up to the second floor reading room rather than the equivalent on the ground or first floor.

Had I been wrong?

Had she led me on a wild goose chase, getting her kicks out of my emotional naivety?

My hand was trembling as I lifted it up and knocked. Knocked? It was more like a gentle tap, barely loud enough to register a sound. I waited, but nobody came. I knocked a second time, this time loud enough to be heard. Once more there was no reply.

Well, if there was no reply, then for sure the room wasn't in use. I guessed the sign must have been left set to in use, from some earlier event. Was that it? Was I too early? Natalia had said just before closing, but had she meant five minutes as against thirty?

I wanted to be positive, to think it was just a matter of timing, but immediately my self-doubt came to the fore. I had been made a fool of, brought here with no intention of being met by my librarian. In my mind I could already see her having a laugh at my expense. Why had I let myself be led along like this?

My mind told me to turn and leave before I got too hurt, but my heart... my heart urged me on. If I was here, then should I at least look inside? Maybe I hadn't been heard. My heart won this battle. What harm could it do?

Slowly I pushed at the heavy door and peered through the opening.

"Natalia," I whispered.

There was no reply. For a moment I stood there. I was disappointed to be led up the garden path, but now I was here I was intrigued as to just what this reading room looked like. I'd never been here before, and probably wouldn't be here again, so surely it wasn't a big deal if I had a poke around.

I pushed harder at the heavy door, and it swung open. It was like opening the door on an Aladdin's Cave, the reading room being full of treasures, albeit in a most literary way. Unlike the modernity of the library, this was a blast from a bygone age, heavy panelled walls, floor to ceiling matching bookcases, and a huge circular wooden table which King Arthur and his Knights would have been proud of. A dozen or so chairs sat, spaced out, around the table. To complete the room, there were three more modern, yet sympathetically styled sofas, one along each wall other than where I had just opened the door.

I walked inside; my gaze immediately taken by the collection of books lining the shelves. You could see why this was the reading room. Given the age of most of these tomes, there was no way they were going to be leant out. I sauntered around the room, catching sight of authors I knew and many I didn't. It was one book though, this one lying on the table itself, which finally grabbed my attention.

It was a book I recognised.

It was a book I had read several times.

It was, what I now termed, my book.

There sitting on the edge of the large wooden table was Blue is the Warmest Colour. I stared at it. Surely this couldn't be coincidence. I couldn't help myself but flick through the pages, searching for the section where the two lovers met for the first time. Oh yes, this book was part of the reason I was here tonight. The only problem was that the other part was nowhere to be seen.

How long had I been?

I was so engrossed in the graphic imagery, that I lost track of time. Was it seconds, was it minutes? I knew I should have been out of there--students weren't allowed in the reading room without a member of staff--but I just got immersed in what I was reading, and time flew. It was the creak of the door opening once more which took me by surprise. I jumped when I heard a woman's voice.

"Anna! What, are you doing here?" Natalia exclaimed.

Natalia sounded surprised, but it was more for effect. Inside, Natalia wasn't surprised at all. She had already guessed there would be no friend. More so, she had always hoped it would be Anna who came to talk.

I didn't need to turn around to know who it was, but I found myself doing just that, spinning around to face Natalia, a look of embarrassment on my face. What was I embarrassed about? That I had been caught, or that I was about to share my emotions with another woman, and to be honest little more than a stranger at that.

"I'm sorry, Natalia," I apologised without thinking.

"Sorry about what?" Natalia added.

"About..." my voice tailed off as I realised. She wasn't upset that I had come inside without being accompanied, and without permission.

Natalia walked straight towards me, and I could do nothing but stare. Her short black skirt came down to mid-thigh. Her legs, perfectly shaped from the angle of stiletto heels, were clad in patterned nylons, a diamond repeat running up then disappearing tantalisingly beneath the skirt. Then there was the blouse. This one wasn't so tight fitting. There was no shadow of a bra to be seen, but what it lacked in impact, the blouse made up for in pure opulence. I wanted to reach out and run my hands over the deep red satin, to feel the cool smoothness beneath my fingers.

I was fixed to the spot.

Already I was breathing fast.

There was a dryness in my mouth.

My pulse was racing, and I couldn't contain the tremble in my slight frame. As I watched the dominant librarian get closer and closer, I now doubted that I could go through with it.

"I meant... well... I thought I was meeting your friend," Natalia added.

"Errm... well... actually..." I struggled to articulate what I wanted to say.

"There isn't a friend, is there Anna?" Natalia responded on my behalf, her voice taking on a soft caring tone. She already knew the answer to the question.

Sheepishly, I shook my head.

"Come and sit down," Natalia continued.

I pulled one of the wooden chairs out from under the table, turned it around and was about to sit down when Natalia suggested something different.

"Somewhere comfier, I think," Natalia added, holding her hand out towards me.

I reached forward and let her take my hand in hers.

"God, Anna... what's wrong?" Natalia asked. "You're shaking."

"I'm... I'm..." I stuttered.

"Later," Natalia responded. "Come with me."

I followed Natalia, just the few steps towards one of the sofas. She sat at one end, and I positioned myself at the other, both of us half turned towards each other. It was true. I was shaking, but that was only half the story. All Natalia had done was lead me over to a sofa, little more than a few feet, but I was feeling it again, those same strange feelings I felt every time I met this dominant librarian.

That's why I was here, to understand those feelings and what they meant. The only question was how to ask.

"Do you want a drink?" Natalia asked.

"No... no..." I responded. "I'm fine. Just a little... errrm... nervous."

"Nervous?" Natalia replied, a touch of uncertainty in her voice. "Do I make you nervous?"

I tried to smile, to defuse an awkward moment. For sure I felt nervous, but not in the way Natalia imagined. It was nothing to do with being with her. It was nothing to do with her dominant persona. If truth be known, it was her presence, her confidence, her ability to command a situation which drew me towards Natalia.

"You know... before... how you said we could talk?" I asked.

"Of course," Natalia replied.

"Does that mean we can talk about anything?" I asked.

"Anything," came the response.

"And you don't mind if I'm just being silly?" I added.

"Nothing's silly, Anna. Ask away. I'm all yours," Natalia reassured me.

My heart skipped a beat when she mentioned about being all mine. Is that really what I wanted? Did I want Natalia to be mine... or was it more that I wanted to be hers? God, I still didn't know what I wanted.

"Natalia... do you ever... have you ever... this is so weird."

"Go on," Natalia encouraged me. "I'm listening."

She took hold of my hand once more, and I relaxed a little. I just didn't know how to put into words what I wanted to ask. I knew these feelings were wrong, so wrong, yet my heart was pounding, and I had those butterflies in my stomach once more.

"Do you ever have feelings, Natalia?"

Natalia smiled. Yes, of course she had feelings, and now she had a feeling that the conversation may just be heading where she hoped it would. Natalia knew better though than to push, but more to let Anna take it as quickly or as slowly as she wanted to,

"I'm sorry," I added. "Everyone has feelings, but I mean feelings like... well... feelings which you know are wrong... but feelings which seem so good... feelings which seem so right. Do you have feelings like that, Natalia?"

"Are these feelings for somebody rather than about something?" Natalia asked.

"Yes... sorry... yes. That's what I need to ask about," I replied.

"What's wrong about having feelings for somebody? We all need somebody," Natalia responded, at the same time closing the gap between us on the sofa. "I know I do."

"But that's it. That's what's so wrong, but feels so right," I added.

"Is that why you wanted the book?" Natalia asked. "To try and explain these feelings, or even to justify the same feelings?"

"Yes," I responded, sheepishly. "I needed to know... to know why I felt this way... every time I saw her... every time I spoke to her... every time she touched me. Have you ever felt this way, Natalia? Have you ever had feelings for another woman?"

By now, Natalia was sitting right at my side. She still clasped my hand in hers.

I looked deep into Natalia's eyes, my breathing faster than ever as I waited for a response. I'd been as direct as I dare, yet vague enough to give me a way out just in case I had misread the librarian.

For a moment, there was stillness. Nobody moved. Nobody said anything. The only sound was that of my nervous breathing as I waited for a reaction.

"Oh Anna," Natalia responded, smiling as she squeezed my hand gently. "Of course... and it's not wrong at all."

"It's not?"

"Not at all... what's wrong is hiding behind your feelings. If your heart tells you they are right, then do something about them," Natalia added.

"But... what if I am wrong? What if my heart is wrong? What if she doesn't want the same? What if--" I started to question.

It was Natalia who interrupted, cutting me off mid flow, with her own flurry of questions.

"What if you do nothing? Then you would never know. Now, are you going to ask her, or am I going to have to do the asking for you?"

I was confused. What did she mean by asking on my behalf? I sat there, mulling over Natalia's last question. As I did, I watched Natalia loosen her tied up hair. With a shake of her head, the dominance of that sharp bun started to disappear. Natalia ran her hands up through her long locks, loosening the natural wave and letting them fall back against her shoulders.

My heart skipped a beat.

God, Natalia was so beautiful.

I wanted to ask, but still I was afraid of the response.

Natalia wasn't afraid at all, but her question didn't come in words. She slipped off her glasses, then in slow motion, inched forward towards me.

I gasped as our lips touched.

It was a soft touch. It was a warm touch. It was a fleeting touch. No sooner had I felt her lips brush up against mine, than Natalia pulled back. I just stared at her, wondering if she had really done what she had.

It was Natalia who broke the silence.

"Would you like me to ask her again?" she whispered.

My heart was racing. Not only had Natalia kissed me, but now she was seeking permission to do it again. Was this my answer? What if I had misunderstood? Did I need to be asked again? How was I going to answer without sounding too eager? It was like Natalia had turned on the tap, and all I could feel were my emotions flooding out.

"Did you just kiss me?" I asked.

"I did," Natalia responded, holding my hand firmly in hers and bringing it up to her chest. "And now I'm asking if you'd like me to kiss you again?"

I had expected an answer in the form of a yes or a no. I hadn't come prepared for the directness that was Natalia, but for sure there was no ambiguity in her response, and none in the way I answered her last question.

"Yes please," I responded. "I think that would be a good idea... just to make sure I wasn't mistaken."

Natalia wasn't going to turn down an invitation. It wasn't just Anna who had feelings for another woman. Natalia did too. The only difference was that this dominant looking librarian had known who she was, and what she wanted, for many years.

She'd had lovers before, but still Natalia searched for the one true love, the one she would consider inviting into her life. You see, Natalia had another secret. Her preference towards the fairer sex was not shared openly, and neither was her tendency towards a certain lifestyle, especially when it came to physical relationships. What you saw was what you got with Natalia. She dressed dominantly. She oozed confidence and control. She had that commanding presence. The problem for Natalia, was not one of knowing what she wanted, but more of finding somebody who wanted the same.

Natalia swept her long hair back over her shoulders, then once again leaned forward. As she did, in her heart, she hoped Anna could be the one. Natalia couldn't get Anna out of her mind. She was so beautiful. She was so innocent. She was so passive, in a delightful obedient sort of way. She was so... oh, god, Natalia hoped Anna was so like-minded.

The first contact had taken more courage than Natalia had expected. How to break the ice without being too obvious. What followed though was much quicker than she expected. She hadn't banked on that chance opportunity at the end of the holidays, nor on the way Anna couldn't take her eyes off the librarian. That sealed it for Natalia. She had a good idea what Anna wanted. It was just a case of letting Anna find out the same for herself, and now... now it was time to allow Anna to do just that.

Natalia's pulse was racing just as fast as Anna's heart was pounding. She'd been here before and knew not to rush things. They had plenty of time to understand each other, to find out if their needs were similar, if their desires were... what was the word... compatible?

Natalia moved ever closer to me, and as she did, I closed my eyes. I waited to feel her lips press once more against mine. It was a matter of seconds but felt like it would never happen. When it did, the touch was so gentle. I couldn't believe how soft Natalia's lips were, how smooth against my own, how sensual her every touch. A warmth flooded my body and, for the first time in my life, I imagined it was love that I was feeling.

There was no fleeting caress this time. Natalia pressed her mouth against mine, massaging every inch of my soft lips in the most sensual of kisses. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer into her. I could feel the plumpness of Natalia's breasts as her chest pushed against mine. Already I could feel a tingle of excitement inside. Without hesitation, I responded to her every touch, my passion increasing the longer we embraced.

There was a new sensation, a firmness up against my lips as Natalia reached out slightly with her tongue. She ran the tip along the length of my lips, probing away where they joined, seeking an opportunity to dip inside. By now my mind was awash with arousal. Any nerves had vanished, and I just wanted more... I just...

I gasped under my breath. No sooner had I parted my lips... no sooner had I given Natalia an opening, than I felt the tip of her tongue ease inside. I gasped once more as our tongues touched, a sense of electricity passing through me.

The more we kissed, the more I relaxed.

The more I relaxed, the more I wanted her.

The more I wanted her, the more I felt my arousal stir.

There we sat, for what seemed an eternity, locked in that simple embrace. Even with my eyes closed, I could see Natalia. It was the Natalia who had appeared in my earlier dream, the Natalia who had taken a hold on my heart.

I could feel the tingle in my lips.

I could feel a soft ache of desire down below.

In that moment I was surer than ever before. Natalia was the one I wanted. Being together with this older woman seemed so natural, so wonderful, so enlightening. Still though I had a question in my mind... a question which I didn't know how to answer. What would it be like? What would it be like to go further... to... and that was the strangest thing. I wanted to make love to Natalia, but how could we? It wasn't like she could impale me with her long hard shaft, was it?

I was confused, yet at the same time I wasn't.

I knew what I wanted next, but I didn't know how to get it.

I knew what Natalia wanted, but I didn't know how to give it to her.

Would she be patient? Could she help me understand?

I reached out with my hand, placing it up against Natalia's satin blouse. Slowly I ran my fingers across her full mound, feeling the soft flesh hidden inside.

My heart sank.

As I plucked up courage to move forward, Natalia pulled away. She broke the kiss, leaving me wanting for more. I started to protest, but Natalia simply brought a finger to my lips urging me not to continue.

"Not now," Natalia spoke, her voice in that soft caring tone reminiscent of the very first time we met. "Now, it is desire filling your mind, urging you on, and when desire fills your mind then all semblance of rationality goes out of the window."

"But... I want..." I tried once more to protest.

"If you want, then you will get, but I want you to go away, to let the passions die down. Only then should you ask yourself again... is it truly what you want? Only then, with a clear mind, will you know that this is what you have been looking for," Natalia spoke to me in that clear, direct tone.

"But... I know it is--"

"Let's not get carried away, Anna," Natalia interrupted once more. "I really like you, Anna. I want to love you, Anna, but I need you to know it is what you want and not just a reaction to youthful hormones bubbling over. I couldn't live with myself if you walked away from here regretting what you had done. So, please, take some time, and come back when you have your answer."

What Natalia was saying made sense, yet still I found it hard to hide my disappointment.