Anna and the Librarian

I needed something more meaningful, something to help explain the two of us; me, the woman in my dream, and the connection between us both. Yes, that was it... relationships. I needed something to unlock my mental relationship with the image of Natalia, something which would help me understand what it was which kept me coming back to that same vision.

"Relationships," I whispered again, scanning down the list.

"Relationships?" came a familiar voice from behind, making me jump with surprise.

"Natalia!" I exclaimed, being so consumed in my decision making that I didn't hear her approach.

"What sort of relationship are you looking for?" Natalia added.

For a moment I froze. The one thing I didn't want to do was bump into the very woman who was causing my consternation, and here she was standing right behind me. What's more, here she was asking the very question I needed to find out an answer to. The best way was to play it cool.

"You know... boys... girls... that sort of relationship," I replied.

"I see," Natalia responded, that knowing look in her eye. "I would have thought a beautiful young woman like you had no problem with relationships."

I shook my head and smiled back at the librarian.

"Oh, no... it's not for me. It's for a friend. She's... well, she asked me for some advice, and I thought..." I tried to explain, before giving up.

From Natalia's expression, I wasn't sure she was buying my excuse of a justification. In fact, the more I continued, the deeper I was digging the hole I would eventually need to get out of.

"Well, Anna... I guess you'd best start in Health and Wellbeing. I'm sure there'll be something there for your friend."

I glanced at the library guide once more.

"This floor," Natalia added, "over towards the far wall. Let me show you."

"No... no... it's fine," I responded. "I'm not certain what I'm looking for, so don't want to take up your time."

"Well, if you're sure," Natalia responded. "Let me know though if you don't find what your friend is looking for."

"Thank you," I responded, hoping that was the end of the conversation.

"Oh, I nearly forgot," Natalia added. "Could your friend be pregnant or worried about her medical health? You'd be better going to the health centre rather than grabbing a book."

"Oh... no... it's nothing like that..." I quickly clarified. "Let me have a look. I'm sure I'll find something. Thank you for asking though. Thank you, Natalia."

"No worries. You know where I am if you need me," Natalia responded.

I heard the tap, tap, tap of heels, and turned around to see that Natalia was already heading off towards the front desk. Once more, just like the last time, I found myself standing there, watching. What I saw was the same sharply dressed dominance of an older woman striding off into the distance.

What I didn't see was the knowing smile on Natalia's face as she understood exactly what I had been asking for. Friend? What friend?

Moments later I was browsing the shelves, not realising quite how many different topics came under the blanket banner of wellbeing. Luckily for me, the books were arranged by topic with neatly printed labels promoting the various themes. Now all I needed to do was choose something appropriate then get the hell out of there. For sure I didn't want to be seen with such tomes under my arm.

I'd stayed away from the more explicit books which came under the banner of sex education. It wasn't like I wanted to know how to do it--I had a good idea already and anything extra could come later--but more about what my emotions were telling me. Putting those on one side, there wasn't a lot else. There were some on mental health, but even though the recurrent image of the librarian was plaguing my mind, I was sure an answer wasn't going to be forthcoming in one of those books

I moved quickly through the psychology section too, all of these being way too heavy for what I had in mind. There were a few on general relationships, but these seemed to focus on nothing more than the boy meets girl expectation. Whilst they were the most appropriate for a young woman starting to discover love, I needed something to deal with the now, and not what I expected was going to be the future.

I needed something different, something to challenge the stereotype, something to set myself back on the expected path. I needed... yes... I moved down a shelf to the section labelled LGBT. They weren't the types of books I would have gone for but could be perfect, if only to convince me that my mind was indeed playing games with me. Surely it was better to dispel the idea of being attracted to another woman, rather than try to convince myself I needed a man.

I glanced around to both sides, making sure nobody was watching, then crouched down. Quickly I scanned across the various titles, looking for something I thought would give me the answer I wanted.

Imagine my surprise when one, metaphorically speaking, jumped off the shelf and into my hands. I don't know why, but I was drawn towards the slim volume like a moth might be drawn to a flame. I pulled the book off the shelf and stared at the title; Blue is the Warmest Colour. The blue reference was obvious from the half-naked young woman on the front cover with her shockingly coloured hair. I glanced at the back cover and read the blurb; it portrayed itself as being a tender, bittersweet graphic novel about the magic of love, lesbian love.

It wasn't what I had in mind as this was fiction, whereas I lived a life of fact. That said, somehow, I knew this was the one. If I was going to dispel the whole idea that I had feelings for another woman, then what better way than to read about women finding love, lesbian love. I would soon realise that I held no common feelings, and that would be that.

Quickly I grabbed another book, a full colour guide to yoga techniques for relaxation. It was a random choice, but big enough to hide my actual choice underneath, just in case I bumped into anyone I knew. With books in hand, I headed off towards the front desk.

My heart sank when I noticed Natalia standing by the self-checkout machines. I had hoped to sneak out without being seen again. This time I got lucky. A call from one side dragged Natalia away, and quickly I grabbed the chance to check the books out and slip them into my bag. Job done, I turned to head for the door.

"Anna?" Natalia asked, as I walked past.

I could hardly ignore her, could I? That would be downright rude, and I wasn't here to be rude. I just didn't want the awkwardness of having to explain myself.

"I just thought I would ask. Did you find what you were looking for? You know, for your friend," Natalia asked.

"Errrm... I... I guess so," I responded, wanting to get away as quick as I could.

"Good then," Natalia continued.

"Well, I'd better be getting back. Show her what I've got," I added.

"Yes, of course," Natalia nodded in agreement. "Oh, and if your friend doesn't find the answers she needs, bring her into the library to look for herself. Failing that, tell her to come and have a chat. Maybe I could help."

As she spoke, Natalia held out a hand, took mine in hers, and smiled. My heart was racing once more. I glanced up into Natalia's face. She was a most dominant woman... a most... I swallowed before thinking it... a most attractive woman... and I was just a confused young woman letting my mind run away with emotions.

She did have such nice hands though, and I really liked her the touch of her soft skin against mine.

I swallowed again, forcing myself back to reality. That wouldn't be necessary, would it? Surely not. Surely, I wouldn't be coming back to talk to Natalia, to ask for help in understanding what was making me feel this way. I already knew I wasn't that way inclined. It was just my hormones getting out of control, causing my mind to start playing games with me. The book concealed in my bag would be all I needed to convince myself it was nothing more than that.

"I'm sure she'll be fine but, thank you Natalia, I'll let her know," I responded, smiling back at the librarian.

"Better be going," I added, pulling my hand away from hers, then heading off into the fresh air outside.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Seven

My third year -- a couple of weeks later

Did I get answers?

Much as I wanted to convince myself to do so, I couldn't put the book down. Over the next couple of weeks, I must have read it cover to cover at least three times, and always with the same reaction.

Did I get the answers I wanted?

I got an answer for sure, and it wasn't the one I expected. I was intrigued rather than being repulsed. There was something about the two women, about the way they found unexpected love, about how they found happiness together, even if it wasn't long lived.

I was now more confused than ever. It was only a book, only a story, yet I found myself drawn into the lives of those characters on the page. I shouldn't have done. I wanted to dispel the feelings I now had, as I knew they were wrong. I knew they were not mine.

The only problem was... I couldn't.

Somehow, that librarian had gotten into my mind, and I couldn't get rid of her, or was it that I didn't want to get rid of her. It was like... like... like Natalia had a hold on my heart, pulling me closer and closer towards her.

I kept telling myself the same things... it was wrong... it was not normal... it was not what I wanted. It didn't work. Every time I saw her... every time I spoke to her... every time I thought about her... it was like there was a magnetism between us, some unseen attraction between the two of us, and I had to admit that I could do little to resist her dominant charm.

I needed to do something, but I really didn't know what was for the best. I was in denial, yet all I could do was sit there reading the library book, over and over again.

Then the unthinkable happened.

Saturday evening and I had a few hours to myself, or so I thought. Abi and Rich had gone out; something about a rugby club bash. I knew they wouldn't be back for ages, so I settled myself downstairs rather than retiring to my room. I poured myself a glass of wine, leaving the rest of the bottle close by, then grabbed the book. By now I was close to knowing the story word for word. It didn't stop me reading it for what must have been the fourth time. I was so engrossed, that I never even heard the front door open and close, until it was too late.

"Hey, Anna," Abi announced her arrival.

I jumped out of my skin, dropping the book on the floor as I turned my head towards the doorway and caught sight of my housemate. She wasn't meant to be back for hours. Then another thought crossed my mind. If Abi was back, surely Rich was close behind. I tried as best I could with one foot, to nudge the book under the sofa. There was no way I could have them seeing what I was reading.

"Abi!" I exclaimed. "What are you doing back so soon? And... where's Rich?"

"Oh... you know how these things go... they start off all friendly, then as the beer flows, they get a bit rowdy, then... well, that's my cue to make a swift exit. Rich is still there. I don't envy his head come morning," Abi started, before pausing as she caught sight of the bottle on the side.

"Wine?" Abi asked. "Got enough for two?"

"Of course," I responded, pouring a glass, and handing it to Abi.

For a moment I relaxed. Maybe, I had gotten away with it. All Abi was interested in was the wine. I watched as she put her glass down on a small next to an armchair. Then, instead of sitting down herself, Abi got onto to her knees.

"I think you dropped something, Anna," Abi announced, reaching towards the sofa.

I glanced down and yes, pointing out for all to see was one corner of the library book. There was nothing I could do. I could hardly deny that I had dropped it and tried to push it under the sofa, could I? I held my breath and waited, hoping Abi would just pick it up and hand it back, without anything said.

Much to my disappointment, she didn't.

"What you reading?" Abi asked, taking a seat. She gulped a large mouthful of wine, then turned her attention to the cover of the book.

I sat there, wishing the sofa would open up and swallow me whole. I really didn't know how Abi was going to react, and I so didn't want an open conversation about it. If I confided in Abi, I'd be confiding in Rich, and if I confided in Rich, I'd most likely be confiding in the rest of the rugby team.

"It's not what it looks like," I responded, trying to deflect any attack from Abi.

"Looks like?" Abi asked.

"I mean... I'm not..." I struggled to articulate what I wanted to say.

"You're not reading the book?" Abi suggested, a smile on her face.

I was taken aback. I thought she would be straight in for the jugular. Look at the ammunition she had. First was the way they teased me in the library, and now she had caught me reading a book about nothing more than lesbian love. God, I was so embarrassed. How was I going to get out of this one?

"No... yes... I mean... I'm not... I don't... I want..." I continued, never managing more than a couple of words before switching tack.

"Another glass of wine, I think," Abi added, walking over to the table, and filling my glass again, before sitting back down.

To my surprise, Abi didn't return to her armchair, but sat on the sofa at the side of me.

"What you want... what you are... it really doesn't matter... if you are happy. What's more, it's really none of my business, unless you want to talk about it," Abi said.

For a moment I froze. I so wasn't expecting this kind of response from the usually ebullient young woman. I wanted to talk, yet still I worried about her boyfriend. What happened next was like Abi could read my mind.

"And don't worry about Rich. I won't tell him anything. You have my word," Abi added, placing her hand on top of mine.

I welled up, a tear coming to my eye as emotions took over. Why was she being so nice? I gulped my own wine down, trying as best I could to compose myself.

"I don't... don't... know what I want," I explained, expecting Abi to start suggesting answers. She didn't, so I continued. "I never wanted to feel like this. It just... happened."

"In the library?" Abi asked, her voice so gentle, so comforting.

"You knew about the library?" I asked.

Abi smiled before responding further.

"I wouldn't go as far as saying I knew, but I did suspect. Am I right? Do you like her... the librarian... did you call her Natalie?"

"Natalia," I corrected. "Yes... well... no... well... oh, Abi, I don't know what to think," I replied, a tear running down my cheek. "I just want to be in a relationship... like you and Rich... just normal."

"Shhh," Abi replied, gently wiping away my tear. "Normal... if you ask me, normal is just whatever makes you happy... for me it's Rich, and if for you it is another woman then that's equally as normal. Is that what you want, Anna?"

"That's just it. I don't know. She makes me feel different. I can't tell you what it is, but I feel it inside, deep inside."

"So, what's stopping you, Anna?" Abi asked.

"Well... what if... if it's not what I want... if it's not what she wants... if I am misreading Natalia... if I'm just letting my emotions rule my mind?"

"Have you spoken to Natalia? Have you explained how you feel?" Abi asked.

"No... not really," I answered. "I can't, can I?"

"Oh Anna, of course you can, and I reckon it's the first thing you need to do. Now, come here my darling little Anna... and no more of this talk about not being normal."

Abi held out her arms, and I slumped into them. I closed my eyes as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Would it help if I came with you?" Abi whispered.

I don't know why, but my answer was affirmative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Eight

My third year -- the following Friday, lunchtime between lectures

What the hell had I done? I was a bag of nerves as we walked towards the library. My heart was racing. My mind was consumed with every negative question I could think of.

What if she wasn't there?

What if she didn't want the same?

What if I didn't want it, after all?

What if I made a fool of myself?

What if...

What if...

"I think we should go back," I whispered to Abi.

"Nonsense," she replied, holding the door open for me. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you want an answer, then you need to ask a question."

"I don't know, Abi," I retorted.

"Do you want an answer?" Abi asked, knowing the question was a rhetorical one.

"Errm... yes... but isn't there another way?" I asked.

"Nope. Now come on. Let's start by checking that book back in."

I glanced around, looking towards the front desk. Natalia was nowhere to be seen. I relaxed a little. I had been right; Natalia wasn't here today. I could go home without having to ask the question, without having to get the answer I feared. Which answer did I fear? Even now I wasn't totally sure if I feared an acceptance or a rejection.

I could come back another day.

It was as I checked the book in, that I heard a most familiar voice once more.

"Back again, Anna?"

It was Natalia. I turned towards her and smiled.

"Just returning the book," I commented.

"And how was it? Did it help your friend?" Natalia asked.

"Oh yes. She said it was incredibly good," I replied.

"And... is she here?" came yet another question.

"She was," I replied, my gaze heading off towards where Abi had been standing, a matter of minutes ago.

At first, I couldn't see hide nor hair of my housemate, then finally I caught site of her, sitting at one of the tables in the coffee lounge. I stared towards her, wondering just how she could leave me like this.

She must have seen me, as Abi smiled, then nodded her head. I saw Abi mouth something towards me but didn't quite catch it. Abi repeated the same. This time I was certain. She was mouthing the words 'go on.'

"Well, you tell her... if she needs to talk about things... anything at all... then the offer's still there," Natalia added, placing her hand on my shoulder.

My heart was still racing. I looked into Natalia's eyes. God, why did she make me feel this way? For what seemed like an eternity I just stood there, staring at Natalia, trying to compose myself. When finally, I responded, there was a nervous tone to my response.

"I think she might," I replied.

"Well, Anna. I tell you what. Why don't you tell your friend to come to the library half an hour before we close? I'll make sure I'm still around."

"What... here?" I asked, inadvertently dropping the 'my friend' pretence.

From the smile on her face, Natalia noticed at once.

"Don't worry," Natalia added. "Tell your friend to come up to the reading room on the second floor. We'll be private up there."

"Tonight?" I asked.

"Tonight," Natalia replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd better get back to work, but I'll see your friend later."

"Thank you," I responded, but Natalia was already on her way.

Moments later I was sitting in the coffee lounge with Abi. Had the nerves gone? Not really, but they were now nerves fuelled equally by excitement as much by fear. Okay, so Natalia hadn't exactly professed to liking me, and I still wasn't totally sure she was what I wanted, but she most definitely hadn't poured cold water on me.

"Come on then," Abi suggested, an excitement in her tone, "tell me all about it. Did you ask her? What did she say?"

For a moment I froze, unable to respond.

"Tell me you did," Abi added.

Again, I didn't say anything.

"Oh, Anna," Abi continued. "Do you want me to go ask--"

"No... no..." I responded. "I didn't ask her... yet. She said to come back just before they close. She said it would be quieter."